My wife and all eight of my children were killed by someone I thought was my friend. I knew he was depressed, but I never saw any signs of psychosis in him. Then suddenly it all fell apart. I can't get into detail about how I was tied up and forced to watch or how it only took about twenty minutes for everyone I loved to die. I wish I could because there's so much that is wrong about all of that. But I can't. Nor can I describe my hysteria when the police showed up in time to save me... and no one else.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
grieving each person seprately and all together as your family, must be a great burden. how hurtful. how very traumatic. i'm sure what you are going through is a process. the process of grief and trauma. bless your heart. and your heart is going through a great deal. when you are grieving, what do you do to give it an outlett and meaning? some people make memory books, art, or write. do you have support from your community? ~ love and prayers, dee
grieving each person seprately and all together as your family, must be a great burden. how hurtful. how very traumatic. i'm sure what you are going through is a process. the process of grief and trauma. bless your heart. and your heart is going through a great deal. when you are grieving, what do you do to give it an outlett and meaning? some people make memory books, art, or write. do you have support from your community? ~ love and prayers, dee
I really don't have support from anyone which is why I came here. I just don't know what to do. Nothing... feels right. I have a photo album of them, but I can't even look at it. I know this probably sounds illogical, but it almost feels like it physically hurts me to look at what I lost.
I moved to a different town, different community, after what happened. No one around me knows what happened. It's better that way. That way no one will be needlessly pitying me at work or anywhere else. I know if they knew, they'd ask questions, and as childish and sentimental as this will sound, if I have to talk out loud about what happened, I'll cry. And I can't take that. My heart can't take it anymore...
System, I would really encourage you to start attending church again and to find a local grief support group.
I am very glad that you came here but it can not replace getting help that is face to face with people who get to really know you and can interact with you.
__________________
"You ask, will the heterodox be saved... Why do you worry about them? They have a Saviour Who desires the salvation of every human being. He will take care of them. You and I should not be burdened with such a concern. Study yourself and your own sins..." (St. Theophan)
St. Isaac of Syria (7th century): "Someone who is considered among men to be zealous for truth has not yet learnt what truth is really like: once he has truly learnt it, he will cease from zealousness on its behalf."
System, I would really encourage you to start attending church again and to find a local grief support group.
I am very glad that you came here but it can not replace getting help that is face to face with people who get to really know you and can interact with you.
...I can't go to church. I can't face people, people who will ask questions I can't answer. I try and I lose my nerve every time. I can't go, I can't take how it reminds me of everything that happened. It's like all the wounds are reopened when I so much as look at a church. And it hurts. It hurts like hell.
And a local grief support group? I couldn't possibly. I can't even manage to talk about what happened out loud without breaking down and crying like a baby. I couldn't bear to cry and weep in front of total or near total strangers. I have some pride left, you know. Not a lot. But there's enough there that I wish to retain some dignity.
System, try going to a different church the you normally go to, and just be there for the worship and the bible reading and the prayers, etc.
Instead of a support group, call and ask the people who run those grief groups if they could help you find someone to meet with one on one.
You need real life help through this, not just internet help.
__________________
"You ask, will the heterodox be saved... Why do you worry about them? They have a Saviour Who desires the salvation of every human being. He will take care of them. You and I should not be burdened with such a concern. Study yourself and your own sins..." (St. Theophan)
St. Isaac of Syria (7th century): "Someone who is considered among men to be zealous for truth has not yet learnt what truth is really like: once he has truly learnt it, he will cease from zealousness on its behalf."
System, try going to a different church the you normally go to, and just be there for the worship and the bible reading and the prayers, etc.
Instead of a support group, call and ask the people who run those grief groups if they could help you find someone to meet with one on one.
You need real life help through this, not just internet help.
I never went to a church in the first place. The day - literally, THE DAY - after I found Christ, everything... happened. And since I've never been to any church it makes it that much worse because dear Lord, I don't know anything about church at all and I would feel absolutely stupid compared to everyone else, not to mention incredibly awkward.
...That sounds like a valid idea, I'll try that one. I can handle one on one type support. That is much, much more logical.
Don't push me here. It took months to get up the courage to seek Internet help as it is. Give me a break. I am not someone who likes to discuss my feelings in any way, shape, or form, and something this personal took everything I had to talk about here.
Can I ... I hate to deal with this because anything I say could well be so pedantic and stupid, but maybe a certain book of the Bible would be helpful? You're young in faith, and I feel deeply for that. My immersion in my situation was very slow by comparison. And yours was all at once.
Me, I had to read the book of Job over and over again in my worst times. Sometimes I obsessed over it. And it's long, and some of it seems downright purposeless when I read it first. It cut so deeply. And the book is different people giving what sounds like good advice -- long-winded advice -- and then God Himself slamming all but one into the pavement in the end.
But at risk of being condemned by my own advice ... maybe Job could help come alongside you. This is horrific and I feel as if nothing I say can help ease this. I can't say I've seen worse. Because I haven't.
I wish I could just help more, but these electronic connections don't have arms to embrace, or tears to cry with you.
My wife and all eight of my children were killed by someone I thought was my friend. I knew he was depressed, but I never saw any signs of psychosis in him. Then suddenly it all fell apart. I can't get into detail about how I was tied up and forced to watch or how it only took about twenty minutes for everyone I loved to die. I wish I could because there's so much that is wrong about all of that. But I can't. Nor can I describe my hysteria when the police showed up in time to save me... and no one else.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
How are you SD?
__________________ "Never refuse a gift from a child"
when you are grieving, what do you do to give it an outlett and meaning? some people make memory books, art, or write. do you have support from your community? ~ love and prayers, dee 
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