My wife and all eight of my children were killed by someone I thought was my friend. I knew he was depressed, but I never saw any signs of psychosis in him. Then suddenly it all fell apart. I can't get into detail about how I was tied up and forced to watch or how it only took about twenty minutes for everyone I loved to die. I wish I could because there's so much that is wrong about all of that. But I can't. Nor can I describe my hysteria when the police showed up in time to save me... and no one else.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
Jesus is with you. Jesus is left.
I can't imagine what its like. I know that I need my family. Hold onto God. I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and it makes me want to do something. I wish that I could've done something.
It's not wrong to remember or to want them to be there.
I don't know how long it will take for you to be able to wake up and want to do things again. I don't know if the pain will ever go away. But I do know that if you trust Jesus, He will be your support.
Talk to God.
__________________
Tell me God isn't real, and I'll tell you a story.
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"You Christians look after a document containing enough dynamite to blow all civilization to pieces, turn the world upside-down, and bring peace to a battle-torn planet. But you treat it as though it is nothing more than a piece of good literature." -Ghandi
My wife and all eight of my children were killed by someone I thought was my friend. I knew he was depressed, but I never saw any signs of psychosis in him. Then suddenly it all fell apart. I can't get into detail about how I was tied up and forced to watch or how it only took about twenty minutes for everyone I loved to die. I wish I could because there's so much that is wrong about all of that. But I can't. Nor can I describe my hysteria when the police showed up in time to save me... and no one else.
It was, needless to say, the coldest December ever.
Now everything is numb. Everything is cold and numb, empty. Devoid of meaning, life is now a series of motions I do simply because the motions take my mind off the fact that everything has come crashing down. Nothing is left for me. Every day is a struggle.
I come home and Kisa, my wife, isn't there to tell me I have a smudge on my suit. The kids aren't there anymore; no Konna and Danni to tell me about their day in preschool, no fighting between Allan and Thom and Jhon to break up. No Sabriel and Tybriel to shout out their newest learned word or get into the cabinets behind my and Kisa's back. And like clockwork, the second Kisa wasn't looking, Ro would wake up and scream like a little, girly banshee.
I moved into an apartment to get away from the memories, but some days I still feel like I expect them all to be there, like I'll wake up and this will be a horrible dream and the kids will be there to wake me up in the most irritating fashion imaginable.
I barely have the strength to face the day. Nothing has meaning without them. I no longer find anything funny or smile. What's wrong with me? So many times I dream nightmares, Konna and Danni screaming for my help; Kisa screaming 'Not my children!'; Ro looking at me with her mother's eyes as... I can't feel anything after seeing these things. I cannot feel, I cannot do anything but the simple motions of living, and I cannot even be depressed because I'm too broken.
Everything is meaningless now. I am a logical person. I know, logically, Kisa would never have wanted me to be this withdrawn. I know I should make some effort to heal. But I'm devoid of energy and motivation to do anything more than work, drink, sleep, and repeat as the days march by without distinction from one another.
I think I may have lost my sanity. And I can't even care because nothing matters because Kisa, Konna, Danni, Allan, Thom, Jhon, Sabriel, Tybriel, and Ro aren't here with me and without them life is a chore.
Hello,
You suffered a terrible loss and I am truly sorry. All I can say is take things very slow. I suffered a loss recently that shook all the faith I had left in me. Therefore, I am treading lightly when it comes to church, the bible, or God in general. My point is, I will not jump in all at once but take baby steps back to God (since I don't consider myself to have abandoned salvation). Don't let anyone push you too far because it could backfire. When you are ready, you should also seek professional help to deal with the crisis you went through.
Aww that is so sad l wouldn't blame you to feel the way you feel it hurts maybe you should seek a counsellor or you should go to support groups. You will meet lots of great people there l bet you. People dealing with simlar problems. I'm so so sorry you went through that is so sad. Just remember take it one day at a time and l'm sure when the time is right you will feel a lot better. It just takes time hun l hope you feel better
God bless you
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"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
Through Teen Challenge, God delivered me from self-injury and depression, and taught me how to forgive my father for the sexual abuse in my past. Jesus saved my life! There is hope! To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
I am wordless to help you. I cannot even imagine your pain orJ how you deal with it but I am glad you are here. I would echo the others about church and go to one where you do not know anyone. Jesus will welcome you no matter what church it is.You could also try a group for women who are dealing with difficult situations instead of a grief support group. I have attended sexual abuse support groups and domestic abuse support groups and they were invaluable to me.
i understand how you feel i lost 2 kids i still struggle with the pain and itsbeen over 20 yrs ago it still seems like yesterday... smeone who hasnt been throug the experience dont understand, theysay to move on put it behind you, its easy to say tht whn ure not the one going through it. i cant say things wll get bette.... it never did for me... i never healed from the loss... mabey you can wll find away to heal.... may god go with you.... somethings well ever understand in this life.... until we met him and he will tell us why... until then hes there for you with arms open saying come.
You have every right to grieve.. and you need a shoulder to cry on.. get one.. find a friend you can trust.. a pastor.. but find one.
__________________ Since the Torah is a finite book expressing the will of an infinite God, many lessons must be derivable from each passage from all the infinite angles.
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