Joy from the Hands of God

Yasha · #**441** 17th December 2009, 09:12 PM

There are those among us who seem to wear the stripes of those who go beside, before or above them. They are the truly silent longsufferers garnered at saffron's pace. They learn, of necessity, those things which most of us whine and rail over in fellowship, because they have none, and the walls make poor company. They mark paths crawling through the rest of us, paths untrodden in some years by their kind, trails, grown over with phat trappings and abundance. They come with promise and hearts rich with life... they slink away in tatters under the misfortune and penalty due others, sad and without the energy to fuss or gain notice. THESE are those for whom You have come, the innocents, long beaten and lost to the sins of poor authorities gone astray. They writhe unmarked, in dark and hollow recesses, numbering the lines in the wallpaper patterns as friends. The children of the broken, passed legacies of tears and dust. Their faces shown as ours did once, in the years of wonder and discovery, long past traded for the wisdom of darkness' treasures or the whirlwind of its spectres.

The best of THESE are overcomers, whose hearts are softened in the blows dealt them.

The worst of THESE are warring's cunning strategists.

They are the produce of the unbridled, born to break the chain or to share it. Their compass is their passion or their God. Their furnace is their appetite's just government or its quenchless lusts.

From all of THESE come those embittered, mara to poison the earth, awash with decisions fueled by unreconciled pain's unleashing...

From all of THESE come the strongest, born to overcome, with strength tempered in the fury of the anvil's license.

They are MY family. They are the wheat and the tares. Who is darnel ? Who the future harvest ? Are you fair judge of that which lies within ? Do you feel worthy to know the yieldedness of your weakest brother from the pride of your saintliest one ? Can you tell the vessel from the corpse ?

Thank YOU, Jesus. Thank You for being the Judge who knows the value of the unrecognized from the folly of the infamous... we tend to gravitate, too often, to the polished charm of a brother over the clumsy suffering of a saint. Help me to FIND You in all manner of men. Because within the chrysalis of each butterfly, their seethes an unlovely business, that You see fit to shelter from our eyes. Some chrysalises are transparent beyond modest courtesies, burdening awareness' boundaries with invasion.

Be glorified in those prayers answered. Be they here, to be witnessed... or beyond, to be finished in the halls of Your Kingdom. You answer EVERY prayer. Not all are finished in our view, not all are completed in our reach... not all are formed in our image... ALL ARE FINISHED and PERFECTED and RAISED to Your sight, with Your embrace and through Your image... in Your time. Do we EVER really know what goes on in the chrysalis of a spirit, a heart, a mind ?

Bless those whom I have raised in prayer as entrusted to Your care. Bless them as finished in faith. Be THE God. Take the tongue, the imaginations and the tribulations of MY pain from all equations and replace them with Yours. The loudest of the unruly MAY just be overtaken with yieldedness, under the heaviest of burdens, in a deathroll on display; the most unlovely, enroute to the highest flight of restoration.

Your final hours were unlovely, unjust and unrecognized, Jesus, by many. A vessel or a corpse ?

Matthew 13:24-30 (New American Standard Bible)

Tares among Wheat

24 Jesus presented another parable to them, saying, "The kingdom of heaven may be compared to a man who sowed good seed in his field.
25 "But while his men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat, and went away.
26 "But when the wheat sprouted and bore grain, then the tares became evident also.
27 "The slaves of the landowner came and said to him, 'Sir, did you not sow good seed in your field? How then does it have tares?'
28 "And he said to them, 'An enemy has done this!' The slaves said to him, 'Do you want us, then, to go and gather them up?'
29 "But he said, 'No; for while you are gathering up the tares, you may uproot the wheat with them.
30 'Allow both to grow together until the harvest; and in the time of the harvest I will say to the reapers, "First gather up the tares and bind them in bundles to burn them up; but gather the wheat into my barn."'"

Footnotes:
Matthew 13:25 Or darnel, a weed resembling wheat

Cross references:
Matthew 13:24 : Matt 13:31, 33, 45, 47; 18:23; 20:1; 22:2; 25:1; Mark 4:26-30; Luke 13:18, 20

Matthew 13:30 : Matt 3:12

Yasha · #**442** 20th December 2009, 09:55 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ToxT3zaXL74

"Again" ~ Tapping the Vein ~

Some lovers, Jesus, they thrive on a complex drama of warring. They grow infamous in the battling and speak of their cunning. They speak of their mistreatment of another during painful passages of loving as others speak of the strategies on a basketball court. There is no valuing of the peace and beauty in the silent grace of teamplay, the rythmn of joy. A slamdunk of unkindness, a pass-off of rejection through a sympathizer, a tale of offensive strategy culling tears ... these are the hissing produce of their 'loving,' while someone dies.

Someone special, gracious and bursting with life's TRUEST fruit, love for all, dies on the gaming field of the 'warring love,' neglected and unattended, benched in the fray. Uncalled to raise up in defense, skills of gaming refused for decades or meant for others, shunned in the huddles and given NO OPPORTUNITY to show love's valuable fruit of simplicity, discarded, 'Anointed' and 'Gifted' expire into the background. What imbalance on the team raises the aggressor above the prize ? What member's weakness allows the offense to remain undefended ? Which valuable teammate falls to the bully ? Which surrendered, undefended ? Which was fouled ?

I surrender mine, Jesus. I leave this court to Your prowess, as Master. I know no play to make or boundary to exceed... I am fallen to my knees, side-lined, clutching You.

Be my offense, defense and Guardian against the fray. Love me in Your simplicity while they bench You. You won't lose me. I'll sit this one out with You. While they war in pride, I'll hold the Prize on the bench, for Eternity if need be.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnwliozCBPs

"Andromeda & the Milky Way" ~ Me'shell Ndegeocello ~

...Comes a drummer boy, too.... for You, MY King...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsJ_E7ft0LM

andromeda & the milky way

Yasha · #**443** 21st December 2009, 10:44 AM

Late on the new avatar, Jesus. Lost grampyM last week, feeling blue ! grammyR went home to You just last Christmas.... feeling very blue...

Hubbs is a mess. Very emotional and not very nice, either. He gets so awful in the mouth when he is in pain. Makes it triple-y hard for me. It doesn't feel like Christmas to me, now, at all. Already had given up all the trappings to fund the trip to India, which is in jeopardy, now. Can I really go off and be 3rd-World-missionary in the midst of all this.... my health is struggling from all the stress and pressures of these days, now. I might just be a damper and a burden to the team, now. Hubbs needs me here, too. All this estate stuff to care for...

Going into prayertime now, Jesus. Speak to my heart MOST clearly of Your will for me in this time. Go, don't go? Really important decisions effecting others.... need to be made and not put off. Help me in Your special way, Jesus. BE my EVERYTHING, like You always are anyway. Be MY GOD. Heal our sad Christmas with surprises of joy, for Your Glory. Amen

new avatar, today.

Yasha · #**444** 26th December 2009, 07:53 PM

You know, Jesus, Christmas was more painful and hope-drained than ever this year. Thanks for our daughter's sweet nature that gets so easily into her Father's heart. She's been a repeated blessing in this family loss, to both of us. She's so like him and having a woman around for these last two difficult Christmases has been a blessing to ME. I spent so many years with two warring men, Hubbs and Teknon, that I grew punch-drunk in the consistency of their male posturing with one another. CPrincess disarms her Father and champions his heart with respect and honoring long absent in her brother's ways.

I never know where You will send the Spirit in from. CPrincess has been growing more and more interested in learning of You, Jesus. Thank You for that, too. Twice in recent weeks she has asked me to talk more about You with her. The words sound so wonderful to me. I never really thought about hearing them.... and there they were. Anoint me in Your Spirit to usher her toward YOU through Your Spirit's manifestations in her's, as You will it.

Thanks for faithful family members and friends, Jesus. There have been a few cousins, neighbors and friends who have REALLY been there in this grieving. There have been a few who are surprisingly, and not so surprisingly, callous. I marvel at the cold actions and inactions of some. I guess I have been callous to some in past years when I was less aware of such grief and its personal cost. We learn these lessons best through experience. I'm sure I have been insensitive, too. Then, as I did so in ignorance, I believe so are some of these and render forgiveness as due, for Your glory, as I too have needed it.

Thanks for friends who have invited us to share their Christmas celebrations when we weren't able to be hosting this year. We have really been blessed with the invites, enough to keep us preoccupied from the grieving for hours at a time. Thanks, Jesus.

I think the India trip is going to be shelved until next year's journey. I have lost heart for leaving home and family now. I keep waiting for some fresh wind to bolster Your Spirit through me to return the peace and fortitude to continue, and it hasn't come. It's only been two weeks since the loss of grampyM, so I guess that's 'normal,' but I don't have time left to wait for Your Wind to animate me anew any longer. The trip is close at hand. I am so overwhelmed and fallen in this loss, in renewed angry encounters with Teknon as he grieves, in the obligations for caring for the house and in estate settling.... I feel I will truly be an imposition to the team. I could do the 'tough-it-out-soldier-up' thing, like so many in ministry tout as 'the Way' that they muscle through, but ONLY IF YOU do the animating.... and You haven't. I'm taking that as Your answer to my prayers for decision. I am not in this for MY glory, but for Your's. What glory would there be in me 'soldiering-up' in the flesh. I'll be a tender-as-in-raw-hearted member of the team with too much sadness, a failing sense-of-humor and a lot of tissues, whose heart is left at home. That's not fair to anybody. I've even been struggling with being mad at You for allowing so many obstacles to be in my way, so often, Jesus. Please forgive me in this inclination. I wonder often WHY You are so hard on me, even though Your Hand on me is FAR FAR EASIER than the Father's Hand was on Your incarnation. I have to BELIEVE that You have incorporated ALL this into Your perfect will for my walk in You. I don't believe ANYTHING is outside Your awareness here. I keep remembering Your consistent "WAIT" answers to my prayers about joining the team. I remember the sense that I was waiting FOR SOMEONE. I don't know.... It all changed when Hubbs insisted that I use the Christmas money to fund the trip. I thought, "Well the means are THERE, now." Was I over-anxious to blow past the "WAIT?" DID You try to stop my inclusion on the team ? I sure AM trying to DO Your will, not just talk about it. That much I KNOW you know. I NEED to regain the marker of Your perfect peace in the midst of the storms. In these tearings of balancing between grief and stewardship on behalf of grampyM and the obligations to this trip and team, the marker of PEACE has been unattainable. I can't be split between two 'houses.'

I gotta trust that You foresaw all these events and wanted to somehow pre-prepare me for next year's trip, or equip me in some way through my associations with the team, or leave me state-side as a VERY INVESTED prayer partner for the team, or something that I can't guess. You DID give me the foresight to secure trip cancellation insurance... none of the other team members did that ! I DID do that because grampyM was 78 and MamaM is 90... It's a long established habit of travel for me. I just didn't know at the time that this may have been a foreknowledge or Your Spirit's wisdom for me.

We did cancel Christmas to fund the trip, Hubb's idea. I learned I DO NOT ENJOY cancelling Christmas so fully. The Christmases we've cancelled in the past have never been so full in scope. We've always STILL had family dinner, service people gifting and Christmas cards... this year was vacuous of all trappings, save decorations and WeePup's present. I don't LIKE Christmas without giving.... it sucks. Yes, worship is GOOD, but I worship You every day all year. Giving has always been heightened and as generous as we could be for Christmas. It IS CHRISTMAS to me. Yes, giving our Christmas to serve the dalit children is giving, granted... Christmas feels wrong though... maybe its the grieving that has eclipsed it... maybe the anger of Teknon... maybe I'm too bound by the traditions of men...

Whatever the lessons meant to be gleaned here.... I PRAY WITH ALL MY HEART, that they NOT be lost ! Please teach me, through Your Spirit, the purpose of these days that they be not forsaken, for Your glory. AMEN

15,000 12/25

Yasha · #**445** 29th December 2009, 07:50 PM

Oh, yeah, new avatar AGAIN on the 26th. This one is perfectest ! It is winter, and it is shiny and lit like You, while the black backdrop is perfect for the mourning for papaM. ... and, snowfall ? It's just strewn with silent peace. Thanks, Jesus, for stearing me towards it. I can be the biggest flake, too.

There was a flicker of Light today, Jesus. I felt like I would die of disappointment if I pondered what was just given up in the India trip another moment when I got home from work.... MISSIONS at the house of a friend !!!! The dalit children who would have been sooooo appreciative of ANY kindness.... a dream come true at my fingertips.... but, without Your Spirit to bolster mine .... eh. Flat as a pancake. Only the charm of the project can even stir a thing in me above this grieving and demands. A fragile stir, even.

So, I began to live with the cancelation of a whole year's focal point... in silence, alone with You and the echoes of the criticizers-to-be... I was sad, and driven, all day... weird. I already informed the two trip leaders as step one. I am keeping the decision to myself, except for them and Hubbs, until I learn to live with it for a few days. So many people were praying for the trip. YOU, of course had the final say. I told Hubbs he couldn't respond until I asked him, I needed to hear You first. I needed to hear from YOU what YOU wanted. Hubbs voice can be too strong, sometimes. His words CAN drown Your's out... and sometimes, he's wrong, sometimes I am, too. Today, I asked him... he's noticeably 'lighter-of-foot' today. He said, "Any answer is good enough for me. If that's what God says, that's it, right?!" He didn't want to be the reason I canceled, so I didn't let him be. Seeing his demeanor in his knowing now that I am not going says more to me than anything. I don't even think he realizes the ways that our conversations about people, dynamics and details center him. I can tell that the complexity of dealing with these current days of grief with me remaining beside him, now that I have begun the withdrawal from the project, is a comfort to him. It's all over him. He LOVES that I would set aside a dream of mine for You, and for his sake. He's all lit up, tonight.

Thanks, Jesus. He would never have asked. He would have worried that I would blame him for the cancelation, but I can see that he is comforted. He really was taking a huge step in allowing me to go without him, anyway. We haven't been apart in 21 years. He risks all I am to him by letting me trapse off to another country and leaving him here. _I_ really kept thinking that I won't have ANYONE to keep my feet on the ground, or watch my back, without him along. I wanted him to join me... so did PastorP. We both prayed about that for half the year. It was HIS idea to give up the Christmas fund to make it possible for me to go, after all. He would have been stressed, but let me go, still, if You had said to. He IS learning to follow Your lead, really. What a blessing that is. How many husbands CAN take second place to You. I wonder if he is the 'SOMEONE' I am waiting for. It is a three year project. I hope to be with the team for the next trip... maybe he'll come, too. Though, I still want to go with or without him.

Unexpected little turn of events to witness his renewed footing in not having to let me go right now. hmmmm.... didn't see that coming, really. We ARE married, aren't we Jesus?

I just wanna hurry past THESE sometimes, don't I ? But THESE, they are my family, they are my Body in You... ordained to be my lacking's strengths and anxious heart's rest... I really am not whole without THESE. We are a family of flakes and misfits... and, I am comfier here now than I am among my Dad's family. They don't even 'get' THESE people.

hmmmm... unexpected, yep.

Thanks for my Hubbs. He's quite something, all told. He's been doing a tremendous job in passing out gifts, mementos, to relatives and friends from the house of grampyM and mamaRue. I've been quite proud of him. Let's celebrate new peace today, Jesus. amen

Matthew 11:30
Amplified Bible

For My yoke is wholesome (useful, good--not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing, but comfortable, gracious, and pleasant), and My burden is light and easy to be borne.

Yasha · #**446** 3rd January 2010, 11:20 AM

Thanks for chatting me up this morning. Sometimes, I would rather talk to You than ANY OTHER on the planet, most times, actually. I wonder about the many who DON'T have that to say. What DO they do with themselves? There is no respite in this din apart from You.

Thanks for busying Hubbs downstairs for a few hours. His voice can drown Your's out, often. He still doesn't manifest You so very well. What manner of damage is done a boy who grows into a man who doesn't manifest You very easily or often? He baffles me, CONSTANTLY. Still, I love him unquestionably, unconditionally, thanks to You through me toward him, sooo... surrender, I do.

Surviving the grieving... it's been 3 weeks now since PapaM died. We cry alot. This weekend, we were supposed to attend a formal wedding on New Year's Eve... one of Hubb's friends. Big shindig, 200 guests in an antique, 3 story, Arts building in the center of the posh district... got all fussied up and dressed with 4 hours of primping, bathing, etc. AND THEN, we sat down and cried in our fancy clothes and couldn't go out the door to be 'merry' with the newlyweds, afterall. The present is still sitting on the dining table, wrapped and sparkley. hmm. Joy.

Joy in listening, to the grief, pain, and emotions of loss instead of the crowd who say that we need to get up and get on with it. Thanks for giving us each other to cling to. We have had a rough go of it these past few years. So many who aren't in rough patches are needless company for us. We only taint their joy and feel forsaken in their lack of recognition of our pain. Some seasons are meant for sorrow and for healing.

Spent the next day, New Year's day, watching two of my all time favorite tear-jerkers, "Love Actually" and "What Dreams May Come." Both movies I've watched at LEAST a dozen times each. Always do I see them in new light through new passages in life beside You, Jesus.

Memorable quotes for:
Love Actually (2003) More at IMDb »
Sam: I know I should be thinking about Mum all the time, and I am. But the truth is, I'm in love and I was before she died, and there's nothing I can do about it.
Daniel: [laughs] Aren't you a bit young to be in love?
Sam: No.
Daniel: Oh, well, okay... right. Well, I mean, I'm a little relieved.
Sam: Why?
Daniel: Well, because I thought it would be something worse.
Sam: [incredulous] Worse than the total agony of being in love?
Daniel: Oh. No, you're right. Yeah, total agony.

Memorable quotes for:
What Dreams May Come (1998) More at IMDb »
Chris Nielsen: That's when I realized I'm part of the problem. Not because I remind you. But because I couldn't join you. So I left you alone. Don't give up, okay?

Chris Nielsen: Is that a kind of occupational hazard of soul mates ? One's not much without the other ?

Both of these films are healing to me. Both, create rememberance in me for love as a verb. Both are human to a fault. Both are utterly comforting. I cried in them both, while I upgraded the computer with Windows 7. Thanks, Jesus.

Then, Last night, me and Hubbs saw a delightful 'dark' heartfelt performance by Jeff Goldblum in "Adam Resurrected." Wow. I actually rented it because one of my dear dear friends is attending his acting school in Hollywood and has told me a few things of his nature off-camera. I wanted to see his newer work. NOT at all disappointed ! A deeply moving portrayal of the road home. As one who has come back from being 'gone' myself, wow... nicely done.

Memorable quotes for:
Adam Resurrected (2008) More at IMDb »
[last lines]
Adam Stein: I live in a lovely valley, but the heights are gone forever. There are no more frightful deserts, and I no longer leap into the fire, I am afraid I will get burned. Sanity is pleasant and calm, but there is no greatness, no true joy, nor the awful sorrow that slashes the heart.

David: I thought you left me.
Adam Stein: I was here all the time.
David: You went away...
David: I'm back.

And, I realized, Jesus.... this is ME. I have been to the frightful deserts, I have leapt into the fires, I have known the heights...

and there it lay... full out before me.... after insanity and its complex score of emotional textures, only You and TRUE love, make sanity a bearable alternative. The only viable 'edge' on this Rock is the precipice of love's sacrifice.

Memorable quotes for:
Equilibrium (2002) More at IMDb »
John Preston: What's the point of your existence?
Mary: To feel. 'Cause you've never done it, you can never know it. But it's as vital as breath. And without it, without love, without anger, without sorrow, breath is just a clock... ticking.

What if the fruit of self-control is not in controlling our emotional palette, but in the loss of our fear of its range... in our eventual understanding that true love can never BE extinguished by emotions, only eclipsed? That PERMISSION, for emotions' transient expression to manifest and pass on through, is the only way to retain the fluid motion of love's breath in our walk. IS IT NOT the very attempt to control our heart's true experience that causes us to close off, abandon and break ? In passing THROUGH and LEAPING INTO the fires, we finally find there is LIFE AFTER EVERYTHING when Your love rules the days from within us. My God is bigger than my lowest low, and bigger still; bigger than my anything.

I miss listening to my Teknon. I miss listening with my eyes and my spirit to Your manifestation FOR ME through him. He has been lost to the illusion of self-control as a definition, instead of as a fruit ONLY BORNE in Your Spirit's fires manifest. He's lost HIS OWN PERMISSION to be transient through emotions, like anger, sorrow and grief... he's waiting to perfect himself... we wait for him to learn that he can't... ever... ONLY You can. He's already perfect to me. I miss listening to him with Your eyes and Your Spirit, Jesus. Free him, please, he's bound us all up so tightly. I keep realizing more and more, that I believe that if I learn to listen to You more closely every hour, that one day You will usher me back into his presence to see that unique piece of You that he manifests for me. I miss listening to him. So did PapaM. He was sad about Teknon's absence, too. This Christmas, they were both gone, one to death, one to anger that is bigger than his God... both gone. Two too many were stolen away. I'm listening for the loves of each to be manifest anew in others that You give me, Jesus. This is all that makes sanity bearable to me. None will ever be quite the same, yet, I've seen You echoe one's spirit in another that You bring me.

There remains one joy always, listening for You, Jesus. Listening to You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q8K1g-bqUZ4

"Falling Free" ~ David Gray ~

Yasha · #**447** 5th January 2010, 10:56 PM

the idolatry of human affections....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-Ey7MQDN9A

"The Gift" ~ Seether ~

You know, Jesus, I keep thinking of the feeling that I have to live with when I love someone younger in You or less awakened to who You are, recently. I keep thinking about the fear or suspicion that surrounds the expression of the presence of Your Spirit's fruit through me by such ones.... their fear of the gifts You give them through me. I note the reactions that I receive more and more these past few years. It's kind of a kalidescope of different colors.

Some people are so hard, cold and bitter that they just blatantly can't stand the 'smell of You' in the air when I'm my happiest and fullest in You. These are the same ones who swear I'm a manipulator or a con, trying to orchestrate some self-serving plot when I am kind to them or stand up for a belief with words or actions.

And there are those who seem to bear Your gifts given, in acceptance with joy, only later to ridicule and shed doubt on the offering and the motives that surely MUST accompany such a thing.

Then there are those who treasure the gifts that come through me of You while in dire need of them, only to turn full about and grow wickedly unkind to create a new space between us once their need has passed. These are weak in their ability to maintain focus on You now or ever. They are the ones of whom it is said, "you follow me because I feed you, not because you love Me." I know You know of this, because it is You in me that gets this treatment. It was You in this world that received this treatment when incarnate. It is You in me that waits so patiently to be recognized and be freed. It is ONLY You in me that can endure the lack of recognition.

And THERE it lays again. Do we want loves and peaces and joys and kindnesses from those who have been driven to grant us these as a duty fulfilled ? DO we want to be told of our beauty by a well-coached parrot or by a surrendered heart, one trained in years of experience in that "greatness'' that comes of voluntary devotion, surrender and connected commitment ? Would we rather be hollowly loved by one duty-bound under our position's merit or by one wholly bound by love's shimmering laces woven through our flaws ?

_I_ know that I prefer that someone choose me, time after time, day after day, in growing surrender to the knowledge that there is no struggle and no reaching that is too large, in their gathered awareness of the futility of seperating from me, yielded. Does ANYONE believe in the eternity of love anymore? I am given love by You for someone and they either can't receive it cause it's too big for them, or receive it and remain a taker for way too long in it, or put me on a pedestal that they built that I don't belong on, or grow very frustrated in their inability to return Your love to me... So few love with Your love Jesus. So few know You well enough to recognize and embody it. It leaves those of us that You use highly taxed and rarely reciprocated. Things fall apart. People can't do crash courses in You to try to amp up or something into someone who You can use just because they want to. It takes years to learn yieldness to You, Jesus. It's never ending, learning You. The older I get in You, the lonelier it gets. I keep being in peer relationships with Pastors and stuff. When I was among the missionaries going to India, before PapaM died, I felt You in everyone there. Such sweetness in that fellowship. PastorP, WOW !! He's been gone a month already. I miss him. He did You for me like few EVER have. I get lots of disconnect from those I love for You. They don't get You, and therefore me, often. I don't WANT to learn of the sabatoge that disconnects people once 'blood brothers' (or is that brothers in the Blood?) So often I am forced to let go of people, lately. I guess this is HOW You are teaching me to overcome the human affections that have held me tight for so many years, and rocked my world when disappointing.:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oq6DG-Sm2zU

"Shackled" ~ Vertical Horizon

In becoming evermore unshackled and delivered in You over time, I realize that I grow more and more reverant and covetous of Your company, in tandem. A by-product of the ongong freeing from these human shortcomings that bind me ....is a deepening love and gratitude for You, my Liberator and Redeemer. Learning to know Your voice and hear from Your word FOR ME is healing me. I look around me at the things that have bound me over time and I see that I am freed anytime I want to ACCEPT YOUR PLAN AND PURPOSE for my walk in You. As soon as I acknowledge the ever-present hand of my King on all-things-me, I am aware that You allow and aportion for my good ALWAYS. Those things that pass away, those things that are never in reach, they are not meant to be. At least not now or not yet. Accepting Your withholding or withdrawal of blessings and relationships as Your idea, frees me to trust You. Knowing that the complexity of some days is so over-my-head, that I could drown in them... I profit from surrender to Your Spirit's omniscient comforting power manifest. It's a hard-won surrender.

Yet, all this aside... If I don't love You, then I don't. Such freedom as this is free indeed. I love You because I have chosen to after You have chosen to. So far, this love outlasts, and places You above, all else. This is interesting to me. You, unseen, are more a motivation for growing loyalty and loving than any human. YOU, YOU are THE END I introduce my jailers to. You are their End and my beginning. Thanks for that, Jesus.

I am often less than 'well' in my spirit. You persist. I am retaking way too many tests, I believe. At least in the 'School of the Spirit' I can keep retaking tests until I pass. Kind of like video games. Keep fighting the obstacles until you beat the dungeon master. And in every new level, there are new and more cunning devils. Though, I honestly THANK YOU for bringing a sense of humor into my understanding of my pathetic resistances to Your processes with me and with those I love. It's getting easier to draw apart in You when I can't locate You in another. It's getting easier and more awesome to be me when I can locate You in them.

Shackled and freely bound inside Your able embrace, and reaching to receive the gift that You give me with grace. Watching for You, endlessly. Surrendered and gifted... in acceptance... You anoint my hours with love so real it pales all challengers. Hugs, BE. Just BE.

Yasha · #**448** 10th January 2010, 08:12 PM

Jesus, Thanks for giving us snow, the bubble tub in 16 degrees, a girlfriend to workout with by home's cozy fire, the wood for that fire, Calvin & Hobbes for keepin' it real...and then....

Friday when I got home from work Hubbs was out hunting. I prayed to You to please reward him for his diligent vigil every afternoon in the freezing cold and parade a fat juicy deer right into his path while I was feeding the animals. Not 3 minutes later I hear, BOOM BOOOM. I look out the window, and there he goes, off tracking something. Out of sight. A few minutes later he calls me to come and pick him up at the neighbors around the corner, and please bring the large piece of cardboard to lay under his deer to protect the inside of his jeep. HE GOT ONE !! He tracked his prey into their land. WOW ! You did EXACTLY as I asked and blessed Hubbs with an exciting kill that he had to track through the woods and snow. He was so pumped. Smiling ear to ear. Showing off his knives and guns and cocky as I've ever seen him, later after gutting and hanging it. THANK YOU, JESUS. That was so awesome. Almost an instant answer to that prayer. Hubbs is sooooo happy. That's cool of You. Hubb's second deer of the season, this weekend. Our freezer is burpin' ! Thanks Jesus for the fruit of our land for our warmth and for our table. You da Bomb ! Thank You, we LOVE all that You are to us. Please raise Your angel armies to continually surround GR all round, above and beneath. Guard our home and land with the seal of Your Favor and the Spirit of Praise, thanksgiving and worship. Settle Your goodness in our borders for Your HONOR. Empower us with Your Spirit's propogation toward yield for Your Glory. Amen.

Originally Posted by Genesis 27:3

Today's New International Version (TNIV)

View commentary related to this passage
3 Now then, get your equipment—your quiver and bow—and go out to the open country to hunt some wild game for me.

Yasha · #**449** 11th January 2010, 10:00 PM

hmm. Just another day at GR full of blessings. YOU are so awesome. Hubbs got ANOTHER DEER today. That's the Hat Trick.... THREE. No more permits. All done. Now the freezer isn't just burpin', it's bustin' seams. THANK YOU SAVIOR AND PROVIDER. Another exciting tracking event for Hubbs. Both this weekend's shots were far. NOW there are TWO deer hanging out back. Wow. This feels so right. It feels like GR was made for such provision through Your grace. hmm.

Didn't expect to know this joy in having a man to hunt for ME. My Dad always brought home game for our meals. Hubbs just started hunting again last year when PapaM was getting too old to do it. Hubbs didn't get one last year. This year, though, there is only one sadness. PapaM isn't here to be proud of Hubbs. PapaM taught Hubbs all he knows of hunting. HE would be real proud of Hubbs this season. THREE deer. Plenty for sharing. That's the way You DO IT, Lord. Enough for us and enough to share.

Bless my Hubbs who has done right by us all tonight. Hug him deep within and grant him peace and sweet dreams, for Your glory. AMen.

Acts 4:32

The Message
The whole congregation of believers was united as one—one heart, one mind! They didn't even claim ownership of their own possessions. No one said, "That's mine; you can't have it." They shared everything. The apostles gave powerful witness to the resurrection of the Master Jesus, and grace was on all of them.
Acts 4:31-33

Yasha · #**450** 12th January 2010, 10:46 PM

TODAY, me and Hubbs have been in covenant with You for 21 years, Jesus. WOW.

21 years ! ... and they ALL said we wouldn't last. I thought that too, sometimes. Those first 15 years were NOT PRETTY. The years of disillusionment. We ALL think we actually married that fantasy person we think we knew on our wedding day. Few survive the years of disillusionment when we discover that we actually married a whole nother person than we thought we did.

and, THAT Jesus, is where You come in. You are the THIRD PARTY in that covenant. You are the only of the three of us who is sane, some days.

Thanks for being all that we can't be for each other. Thanks for being the love that binds us through every storm. Thanks for being a whole lot stronger, smarter and steadier than we are alone. THANKS for making it possible at all for us to walk this stuff out. SOMEBODY's got to be the example of how this stuff works. So many who have gone before us have quit, cut and run. Maybe it was Your strength to reach in and get Hubbs to actually reveal his heart that was the difference that You made this time around for him. I have no strength for being in this crazy self-sacrificial bond, many days. I have even less strength for breaking it. At least I believe in staying. I don't even believe in leaving. It's a ride alright. Hubbs and me, we have scorched the hide off of many in our passions and outlasted every other combination we ever attempted in this lifepartner thing. I can't even imagine leaving him behind, ever. He's so many many things to me. Besides Hubbs, only Teknon has ever evoked-invoked the loyalty of eternity in me, except of course YOU. You are the basis and the glue for it all. You are the King of my King. The King of everything.

Thanks for blessing us with continual, however painful, growth. I am trusting, Jesus. I am trusting. Trusting and succeeding... thanks to You. You have always been here. ALWAYS. You have never, nor would You ever, leave me behind. You are the ultimate of bonders and covenant makers. You are the definition of HERE FOREVER. Thanks. Thanks for building that quality into my former-fight-and-flight Hubbs. I don't even think he knows that he has grown beyond his own ability to run away. His threats now, if they come, are as hollow as they could be. One day, I may call him on one of them when he's mad, just so he could see for himself that he CAN'T RUN anymore, YOU've transformed him. He's new in You. He's a covenant keeper, just like me now. You win. Hah !!! Took long enough.

Bless Your heart for loving him so well that You're healing the wounds of abandonment and abuse in him. They were once so deep and weeping. GAWD I met him in JUNE 1982, he was living in a little cottage, alone, and I babysat his son (Teknon) who was there for a weekend visit cause Hubb's cousin asked me to! ( I was staying at her farm recouperating from an auto accident, probably getting on her nerves underfoot.) Now, he's a builder not a runner. That in itself is a miracle so long in coming, that I barely remember the old Hubbs, like a distant fuzzy teardrop. DO YOU KNOW THAT I KNOW HOW FEW WOMEN CAN SURVIVE THIS TRANSFORMATION BESIDE THEIR MAN WHILE HE UNDERGOES IT !?! Only in You did the transformation happen and the fortitude to never leave him behind come... ONLY IN YOU, Jesus. I always knew You would win, but I grew mighty weary... and here, 21 years later, I have one of the best hubbs of all. You did that ! THANK YOU JESUS.

Malachi 2:13 The Message

13-15 And here's a second offense: You fill the place of worship with your whining and sniveling because you don't get what you want from God. Do you know why? Simple. Because God was there as a witness when you spoke your marriage vows to your young bride, and now you've broken those vows, broken the faith-bond with your vowed companion, your covenant wife. God, not you, made marriage. His Spirit inhabits even the smallest details of marriage. And what does he want from marriage? Children of God, that's what. So guard the spirit of marriage within you. Don't cheat on your spouse.
16 "I hate divorce," says the God of Israel. God-of-the-Angel-Armies says, "I hate the violent dismembering of the 'one flesh' of marriage." So watch yourselves. Don't let your guard down. Don't cheat.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQE4iYjCf98

"After the World" ~ Disciple ~

Lord Jesus, forgive us all for the violence done to the 'one flesh' of marriage in my generation. We have ravaged this bond as a disposable lease or deeded property to sell. I am less ignorant than I once was of the price we pay with the children that come from these violent dismemberings. I live with the consequences everyday of the choices of those before me. I watch the sad grief of disharmony and disunity and abandonments' fee on those left torn in two. Hubbs and all his sisters, his Moms and Dads are some, Teknon and his Mom and Stepdad, another, and CPrincess, her X, and her Mom and Stepdad, another... so much sadness and unglued seams needing mending. Too big a job for anyone but You, Jesus. We are trusting YOU to mend the broken places and shine Your Glory through the splitting scars left unglued. We are so typical a family in this nation. We NEED Your hand of mercy and of grace, for Your Glory. amen. I'm the only one neither a child of divorce or ever divorced... I feel ALL their pain and grieve these everyday. What has become of a Nation of covenant breakers ? Will You heal us all. Transform us into those who live and teach and lead in covenant keeping... do for all what you have been doing for Hubbs, Jesus. Raise up Your army of covenant keepers... circumcised in heart and spirit... chasing ever after Your favor and Your Glory, for the edification of all. AMEN.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sn5JBzTm_F4

"Miracle" ~ Vertical Horizon ~

Manifest some miracles, Jesus, for those who LOVE You ! Strengthen Your children from all roads to share their miracles with those who need them most. Help us know that we MAY BE the only church that other person ever sees. Help us to BE Your temples with hands and feet, bent on service. AMEN.