Joy from the Hands of God

Shachah · #**421** 26th October 2009, 08:30 PM

So, Friday we did a sleep-over.

It was fun, Jesus. Hubbs is really good at the GranPappy thing.
They were so cute together. Lots of giggles and Grampy lessons and snuggling with the pigboy, Boo.

THIS is the star of the day:

Sorry, so far You have been shown up by a hunk of metal. He did know who You were in the pictures, though.

Thanks for WeePup, Jesus. Help us to do right by him, for Your Glory. I'm not so sure I even known how. I USED to think I did, I don't think that anymore. Love is something I don't want to share, anymore. I've lost heart. You haven't protected me very well. I guess You think this pain is best for me. It just makes my heart shake. It's easy to love superficially... I'm afraid that's about all I got left, now. No more bonding love for me, at least for a while. So, thanks for WeePup. He doesn't replace Teknon, no one could - that's like losing a limb, but he does take my mind off the tears for a few hours.

Hubbs says he doesn't see You protect me, or answer my prayers, much. I tried to fight him on that. I gave him a few current examples of Your goodness toward me. Frankly, though, the Truth is: I've simply learned to live with less and less and be contented in it. Honestly, You really DON'T show me any great favor, not since You healed my brain damage. The healing was more than enough for a lifetime, clearly. Not like it matters, I'm all YOURS'. I don't have anywhere else to go. I really don't expect things to go my way, though. You have spent a long time teaching me that I can't have what I want. Not yet, anyway. I am not sure why ? Doesn't really fit with the 'abundance' thing. I ask for really decent stuff, I think. Like love and a baby and a reconciliation with Teknon, for a few things... too late for the baby.... Hubbs is learning how to love me better everyday ... Teknon... well, I've been forced to learn to be denied even mere kindness from that one. It doesn't effect the love that You give me for him. I just recognize that he doesn't return that love with anything that I recognize as You... It's not easy to understand. His love was once more like Your's than anyone I had ever met. I was so fooled by him... whatever.

I still believe that You are working all things together for good. I guess I don't know what I don't know that You have spared me from, actually, huh ? I may have had scoods of favor and protection, but You accomplished it so effortlessly that I didn't even know it. Why I trust You to be accomplishing the best for me is really about the pure reality of what I was before You healed me. I can't really expect anyone else to understand that. They would have had to once be as bad off as I had been to understand how YOU are all there is to me. Hubbs may NEVER get that.

I' m gonna try to be a step-grammy to my grandson. He has two real grammies. They are the ones that actually raised his parents. My step-daughter is special to me, but, she like Teknon was raised by another woman. One very unlike me, just as Teknon's Mom is very different from me. These 'kids' were developed by women I don't even know. I have lost any illusion that I am anything to them at all. I'm just the person who has more of their Dad than they do. If anything, that sets me up as a target for jealousy. I'm really done believing to be anything more. Teknon has proven I was just for using. CPrincess doesn't seem like she would ever do that to me. But, neither did he for so many years. I put my whole heart out there. That was probably ill advised... It got tromped on. It might have helped us both if You had prepared me for this through some other experience. I am awfully grown to be learning about betrayal for the first time, don't You think ?

SO, even though WeePup SEEMS like a beautiful, fun, lovable child, YOU know the whole story to the end. I am ASKING this time that YOU PLEASE PROTECT ME, for Your Glory. You are all I have to ask, Jesus. You KNOW how innocently and deeply I put myself out there for Teknon. I DON'T want to ever hurt like this again. I'm really afraid, now. My heart shakes all the time. I know that sounds weak and fearful. That's because I AM... I didn't know enough to ask You for this with Teknon. I learned. Please hear my prayer. If You wanted to keep me from having kids, then help me not to try to be a Mom to anymore children that You never intended me to have, PLEASE. Obviously, You do give me access through marriage, yet it is a powerless position that I occupy. ONLY in YOUR ANOINTING OF ME will I ever be of any use. To me, this ALL feels like the WRONG direction to be going ! I spent a lifetime learning to become more open and trusting. This feels like closing and distrust. I have been resisting the feeling of "sinful error" in this family for years. The woundedness of willful ignorance has cost this group the breath and function of family for generations. Their wounded version of family is riddled with the striving disunity of sins unchecked... I HATE IT ! Building a Body, FAMILY, does not happen in this mode... IT HAPPENS in the opposite, yieldedness. None-the-less, I quit. YOU fix it. I am done with it. No love COULD be stronger than the one You give me for Teknon and Hubbs. Neither has borne much fruit for You. Hubbs still speaks in ways that turn my stomach, too often... and about You, sometimes, to boot. HOW COULD HE !?! Teknon, he became unkindness manifest. He used to hear SO WELL !!!! At least it can be said that Hubbs really hasn't learned to hear, yet.

Originally Posted by THE NORMAL CHRISTIAN LIFE ~ Watchman Nee ~ pp91-92

The vessel through which the Lord Jesus can reveal Himself in this generation is not the
individual but the Body. “God hath dealt to each man a measure of faith” (12:3), but alone in
isolation man can never fulfill God’s purpose. It requires a complete Body to attain to the stature
of Christ and to display His glory. Oh that we might really see this!
So Romans 12:3-6 draws from the figure of the human body the lesson of our inter-dependence.
Individual Christians are not the Body but are members of the Body, and in a human body “all the
members have not the same office”. The ear must not imagine itself to be an eye. No amount of
prayer will give sight to the ear—but the whole body can see through the eye. So (speaking
figuratively) I may have only the gift of hearing, but I can see through others who have the gift of
sight; or, perhaps I can walk but cannot work, so I receive help from the hands. An all-too-common
attitude to the things of the Lord is that, ‘What I know, I know; and what I don’t know, I don’t
know, and can do quite well without.’ But in Christ, the things we do not know others do, and we
may know them and enter into the enjoyment of them through others.

Let me stress that this is not just a comfortable thought. It is a vital factor in the life of God’s
people. We cannot get along without one another. That is why fellowship in prayer is so important.
Prayer together brings in the help of the Body, as must be clear from Matthew 18:19,20. Trusting
the Lord by myself may not be enough. I must trust Him with others. I must learn to pray ”Our
Father...” on the basis of oneness with the Body, for without the help of the Body I cannot get
through. In the sphere of service this is even more apparent. Alone I cannot serve the Lord effectively,
and He will spare no pains to teach me this. He will bring things to an end, allowing doors to close
and leaving me ineffectively knocking my head against a blank wall until I realize that I need the
help of the Body as well as of the Lord. For the life of Christ is the life of the Body, and His gifts
are given to us for work that builds up the Body.

The Body is not an illustration but a fact. The Bible does not just say that the Church is
like a body, but that it is the Body of Christ. “We, who are many, are one body in Christ, and severally

members one of another.” All the members together are one Body, for all share His life—as though
He were Himself distributed among His members. I was once with a group of Chinese believers
who found it very hard to understand how the Body could be one when they were all separate
individual men and women who made it up. One Sunday I was about to break the bread at the
Lord’s table and I asked them to look very carefully at the loaf before I broke it. Then, after it had

been distributed and eaten, I pointed out that though it was inside all of them it was still one loaf—not
many. The loaf was divided, but Christ is not divided even in the sense in which that loaf was. He

is still one Spirit in us, and we are all one in Him.

This is the very opposite of man’s condition by nature. In Adam I have the life of Adam, but
that is essentially individual. There is no union, no fellowship in sin, but only self-interest and
distrust of others. As I go on with the Lord I soon discover, not only that the problem of sin and of
my natural strength has to be dealt with, but that there is also a further problem created by my
‘individual’ life, the life that is sufficient in itself and does not recognize its need for and union in
the Body. I may have got over the problems of sin and the flesh, and yet still be a confirmed

individualist. I want holiness and victory and fruitfulness for myself personally and apart, albeit

p.91

The Normal Christian Life ~ Watchman Nee

from the purest motives. but such an attitude ignores the Body, and so cannot provide God with
satisfaction. he must deal with me therefore in this matter also, or I shall remain in conflict with
His ends. God does not blame me for being an individual, but for my individualism. His greatest
problem is not the outward divisions and denominations that divide His Church but our own
individualistic hearts.
...
P.92

SHOW ME HOW TO LOVE WEEPUP A NEW WAY, for Your Glory. A way that You give me and a way that protects me, too, from the ugly things he may be taught by people raising him that are not anything like me. In the spirit of the "Transformers," transform me into someone with armor designed by YOU from now on. I'm asking... You said I should ASK for the things I want and need.

I want to reflect YOUR LOVE to anyone who needs it. NOW, more recently, I want You to share me with people who ALSO reflect YOUR LOVE... not lust, not usuary, not love the world's way... JUST Your's. Thanks for the few You have sent. Praise and glory to You for that answer to prayer.

Philippians 4:7
Amplified Bible And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

YouTube - Linkin Park - Reanimation - P5hng Me A*wy - Mike Shinoda Feat Stephen Richards

"P5hng Me A*Wy" ~ Linkin Park - Reanimation"
WARNING" Dark graphic video, 'fighting with flesh' not for squeamish

Shachah · #**422** 27th October 2009, 07:08 PM

Yesterday was a bit morose... searching for joy... here's a real intact joy for You, Jesus.

One of my new, and quickly becoming valued, teachers had this to say in his message...

The moon has no light of it's own. It reflects the light of the sun during hours when the sun can not be seen. It lights up the darkness and turns the tides.

I added:

It inspires love and romance and sheds a beauty on the face of the Earth that's hard to compare. Guides travelers and brings a peaceful glow over a silent night.

Simply glorious in illustration...

Help me to reflect You, shed Your beauty and peace, and turn the tides in the darkest skies, Jesus, for Your Glory manifest.

Shachah · #**423** 28th October 2009, 08:58 PM

Do I or don't I join the missions team this trip ?

It's down to the wire, time to lay some cash on the line.... we are to install a fresh water source to supply the orphanage with Living Waters for the World. It's a 3 year project. Water installation first, then goverment of the water source and sharing with surrounding needs, as well as education ! It sounds like, on face value, a whole lot more fruitful endeavor than praying over Teknon. However, YOU KNOW the ramifications of each. Ramifications that I don't presume to encompass... lead me in YOUR will for all GOOD to be manifest. I am so enlivened by the idea of going to produce tangible fruit, that I fear to overlook Your greatest purpose for me.

Be the Omniscient One that can guide me like none other ever could. I have been planning for a year. I want, however, to do ONLY THAT WHICH PLEASES YOUR HEART, glorifies You and edifies me and, even Teknon. Thanks for my supportive and servile Hubbs. I love YOU too much to let adventure or loyalty mar the outcome that YOU most deserve.

Hugs to the TRUTH being borne in my prayer requests, for Your glory alone. AMEN

Shachah · #**424** 29th October 2009, 09:37 PM

Jesus, I DID what You pushed me to do... I did it AGAIN ! I keep going again and again and again, trying to power through to the result that gets kissed by Your Spirit manifest. I am resolved in having done what You called me to do. It is now released into Your ABLE and STRONG hands, for Your Glory.

"Maybe in the Spring... I'm busy."

YouTube - Default - I Can't Win

"You Can't Win" ~ Default ~

Don’t you throw your life away,
Just wait until another day
Don’t you throw your life away,
Cause baby I can feel it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r62_2E3Ep0g

"Smack" ~ 3 Doors Down ~

Okay, of that, if it is Your will for it all, fine. I hope it's not too late. I WANT to do as You ask. I can only do MY portion. The rest is up to You to inspire or manifest. Thanks for the peace of today. All was SOOOOO resolved in me until the very end. The end was only a reminder of the original call, reiterated, as yet unfulfilled. KNOW the willingness of my heart to complete it. Grant me true tenderness and kind gentleness in the ministration of that day. BLESS the offering that I made. Be faithful to multiply and manifest YOUR perfect fruit.

The freedom of having accomplished the task to the best of my ability really freed me to enjoy the afternoon with Hubbs. He was so there with me, and I with him. He endures so much in sharing me with You, Jesus. Few would, none, as far as I can see. Bless Him in his willingness to minister endlessly to me and Your calls on me. I pray that You would soon answer his heart's desire to form a more intimate communication with You, for Your glory. It would be so much easier on me, I think. Maybe not. If he were to have more solid word from You, he may become combative toward mine from You. I GUESS that You would make them coincide, huh?

Boy, wouldn't THAT be a flip-side... Sha having to deal with a Hubby hooked in to You, Jesus, in a hearing way. Go ahead, DO IT for him. That would be so cool. Take the burden from my shoulders alone. WOW. An UMBRELLA of authority in You. What would THAT be like ? AS INTENDED ! That's what that would be like. Sheeze, I could be the fragile female follower for a change, wouldn't that be cool. I DOOOO see You beginning that transition in him. He has grown ever more solid in doctrine and position. It HAS been 20+ years of church and teaching.... time to step the UP, eh? So, his challenges are more than most who haven't suffered abuse at the hand of an earthly Father.... BE HIS GOD AND FATHER, Jesus. Raise the mantle to his grasp... ASAP. amen. Teknon needs You to, more than I do. I bet I will have a hard time stepping back. Challenge me. DO IT, for Your glory. amen.

YouTube - Foo Fighters - Free Me

"Free Me" ~ Foo Fighters ~

Shachah · #**425** 31st October 2009, 11:11 AM

I CRIED for hours at work today. I can't believe I DID that. Right on the workroom floor, too. I was being as quiet as I could, silent really, as the tears rolled one after another down my face. I tried numerous times to stop myself with pep-talks. Nothing. My boss came to me and asked if I needed to talk three times. I finally responded the third time, still crying. I apologized and said that, " I can't believe I am being so queer. (GREAT professional terminology at my Fortune 500 company job, don't Ya think, Jesus?) I hadn't realized I had invested so much into that kid. I am gonna MISS HIM ! It's like losing one of your kids !"

He said, " I know. I have been a Father to bigGunzMan many times over the years, too. You're not mad at me are you?"

"Hell, no." I said. "It's not your fault." He was being very thoughtful putting up with me and my nature. Thanks for him, Jesus. I have been blessed with good bosses for the last few years. So blessed. A true first in my lifetime, too.

It's like You put the lights out, Jesus. My Teknon2. My bigGunzMan, oh how am I gonna go on loving my days without him? He got layed off!!!!

I really think if it were up to me, I would have picked him as the very LAST management to lay off. He complimented my style the very best of all. But, it's not up to me, is it? Work force reduction.... recession... we are down to less than 40 from 200 employees.

BigGunzMan.... wow. I have never seen such a manifestation of Your grace and solid, teachable, growing, self-awareness in ANY other in all my days. What a great friend, gentlemen, prayer partner and love-r. I didn't know how much I had fallen in love with him, until he was snatched from me. At our workplace, being a secure gov't facility, when you are laid off, they take your badge and you can't come back in to say goodbye or anything. I saw him for a few hours in the morning, and POOF! he was gone. I was inconsolable for the entire day.

Until I got home. Hubb's was great ! He has grown so much in his awareness of who I am and how deeply I love Your kids. He has been listening to me discover and brag about bigGunzMan to others for the past 4 years. He heard the love in there. When I said, " I can't believe I did it again ! I fell in love with another one." He said, "What do you mean ? I have been listening to you falling in love with who he is for the past few years."

"I'm like dying. He is everything I only WISH Teknon could be. I think I love him even MORE than Teknon, these past three years, if that were possible. (It's not really, it's just been an acceptable, growing, reciprocal love in You, Jesus.) Probably feels like more than Teknon because he loves me back and he's so full of Jesus, like Teknon once was. And, I haven't been tormented with his absence. It feels like somebody put the lights out ! The world seems so dark. He's been there every day ! This is gonna take awhile to get over." I keep busting into tears.

Oh my GOD ! You took him away. We promised we would always tell each other first if we were ever quitting. He still hasn't been to GR. He is supposed to come and see the deer ! He made me laugh one day when he asked me, "Are you afraid to live in the woods? If I saw a deer I would like run or something !" I rolled on the floor over that one. He's from the city all his life. He so doesn't get it. I said, " I have neighbors ! There are deer in my yard every day ! Mostly, I have to fight them all year for my flowers."

We kept promising a visit with his boys. A neighbor offered him to fish in her pond, too. OH MY GAWD! The years slipped by... he's gone ! I GOTTA get him up here, now. Please, help me to coax him up for a bonfire or something, for Your Glory. AMEN.

BLESS MY BIGgUNZmAN, Jesus.
Heal his heart, that surely broke, too.
I LOVE him, in You.
He is a treasure.

OPEN NEW DOORS FOR HIM. !!

Found this when looking for a deer picture. It's FUNNY.
It's called "RedNeck doorbell"
You got some silly children, Jesus.

Shachah · #**426** 3rd November 2009, 11:48 PM

the pillars are calling me away, again, Jesus. I can't find You here, anymore... It's time to move, I think. No loves to light me... no You to right me, here. IS that You calling me to go across the globe to BE.

I'm finding every reason to be gone
There's nothing here to hold on to
Could i hold you?

Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading away
Am i gone?
Calling out somebody save me i feel like i'm fading

YouTube - Sara Bareilles City

"City Lights" ~ Sara Barielles ~

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Sing how far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love
Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

YouTube - Sara Bareilles"Many the Miles"

"Many the Miles" ~ Sara Barielles ~

Shachah · #**427** 5th November 2009, 10:52 PM

I am here... happy scared. I am involved, NOW ! I seek to be here, all the time, but here is exhausting and I know I have to pace myself. Every time the anointing comes on my life and things begin to sum up, I am most struck by the apprehension that remembers the way Your Spirit's motion in my days taxes me. I am suddenly convicted of the excersize routine that I have been slacking on for a few weeks. I am suddenly aware of less than peak eating habits.

I never know how long Your motion or demands on me may last. I always know, though, that the anointing is a physical, mental and circumstantial taxation. I remember when I was younger, I used to cry after every time I felt Your Spirit make use of my life. WHY? Because the attack was that regular and predicatable. I would always have so much opposition following Your anointing. It was predictable and nearly guaranteed.

I still get the apprehension. I do not like the track record of opposition that follows usefulness. I WANT to be more stable and contented in the outworking of Your Will in my walk, BUT.... I DO get fragile and anxious. I hate that anticipatory angst, Jesus.

So, here we are again. You keep telling me to ask for those things that I want in Your Name, and I will receive them. I'm not used to having these kind of answered prayers. You KNOW THAT. I expect hardship and trials to follow me, almost like I were some kind of pivotal player in Your plans, that needs attacking in the enemy's eyes. Though I know we ALL are of some significance, I don't have an inflated perception of my importance, I don't think. What I have is a feeling that I get HIGHLY too much opposition to go with the disproportionate lack of greatness that I embody. So, I am asking....

PLEASE show me Your will in all these things. Grow me into YOUR peace manifest. I can't do much without you, if anything.... I NEED EVERY BITTY BIT OF YOUR GRACE AND MERCY MANIFEST in this new venture, Jesus. I am so stepping up here, and I need to learn much... to speak less and to listen MOST... Please grant me YOUR grace and peace.

PLEASE cover my life in the Blood Covering of Your righteousness, Jesus. I am so ASKING, now. Please, protect, provide and bolster me in the courage of Your Spirit manifest. I grow soft and truly fragile in the comfort zone of my own realm, in You. When You ask me to step out and be of greater use, I get NUTZ. I act like You are boundaried to blessing me only in familiar routines and environs. I need to see road rules applied, for Your Glory, Jesus.

I have in front of me the opportunity of a lifetime... and _I_ want You to supply me with the courage, strength, faith and goodness, to draw me THROUGH to the breaking of the wire, in YOU, Jesus.

BE WITH ME .

Hugs, Sha

Shachah · #**428** 7th November 2009, 11:21 AM

Well, I'm IN. I had the most horrendously taxing and anxious week, just past. WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT, Jesus ? Can't there just BE a time when the outworking of Your Will in my life is accompanied with restful peace ? You always allow so much STUFF to come against me. I get all hunkered down and even more determined when You allow it to become a battle. Is THAT why You do it ? I don't want to always have to be so tough. Where is the gentle, sheltered, peaceful envelope of Your angel's cradlings when You are asking me to break into new placements and usefulnesses.... ( is that a word?)

Sometimes, I think You have made me to go through the hard roads on everything! Whining here, I know, yet I would LIKE THE BLESSED PEACE OF GOD MANIFEST a whole lot more often. You said ASK, so I am asking. Could You please teach me of the sheltering aspect of Your Body's delegation of duties AND BURDENS this time ? I want to feel safe and embraced for a change. Leadership. I don't know that I am one, a leader. I DO feel like I am always out front somehow, though. I would love to follow someone who follows YOU and takes some of the shrapnel of breaking through, this time. Can that be ? I am going to a 3rd world country, following this Pillar of Cloud. This team is old and established. I am the NEW KID. I want to follow. I want to be sheltered this trip, please. I want to observe and learn and be the relatively insignificant player that I believe I am, anyway. I want to be mentored. Is that what You want? Can I finally lay back and learn from my betters ? PLEASE !

INDIA. here I come ! Oh my GAWD. It's like happening. REALLY. To ME, man. I am feeling completely inadequate and wholly insane. What, but You, could have inspired this madness, Jesus? I am going to a 3rd World country to help install a clean water system in an orphanage... the orphanage of a friend ! You made me the friend of an orphanage founder, for the past 4 years ! You brought this man, not only into my walk, but into my friendship ! How do You DO THAT, Jesus !?! We planned me joining him there BEFORE You joined us with the clean water team. You completely re-arranged and re-structured the whole trip. NOW I have 9 traveling companions !!! How do You do that !?!

I can barely imagine the JOY that is welling up in him, Jesus. He came here to get his Masters in Divinity, 9 years ago. He leaves his wife to run the orphanage for 90% of those years. NEXT YEAR he comes back with 10 Americans bringing clean water !!! HOW did You allow me to get involved in THIS beautiful joy, Jesus. I LOVE YOU FOR ALLOWING ME THIS PRIVILEGE !

THANK YOU !!!

~ Winged Heart ~ Robert Donaghey http://www.artisticgenius.com/

Shachah · #**429** 10th November 2009, 09:52 PM

Jesus, I can't really tell you how very much I appreciate the new focus of the trip to India. It is having that motivating and edifying effect that Your Hand on my days always has. I am growing driven. Driven right through the depressed thoughts of Teknon that have created so much gravity in my world these last 3 months. I was way better in the early year than I've been more recently. I am too distracted by the apparent loss of him, too often. I just wanna go to sleep and be gone, a lot. I will not accept that he has become so ugly and hateful. I am NOT convinced that he can act like that. Each day I twist my heart around it all anew and STILL I can't grasp it. What did he do ? SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY ? He seems so completely transformed from someone that once loved me so well. HOW does that occur !?! I have believed, until now, that life makes sense. Evil in, evil out. Love in, love out.... but, it didn't happen, Jesus !!!!

More than anything, I can't believe that YOU allowed us to be destroyed !!! Where were You when we were being destroyed ? How COULD You allow that !?! I cry all the time, almost continuously, ceaselessly, on the inside. I could pause at ANY TIME, ANY DAY, and cry if I allowed it. What possible purpose could there be to this tragic ugly loss ? I keep busy as much as possible so that I don't crumble into tears. ALL the time, Hubbs says, "What is THAT face?" He knows already. He tries to bring me back from falling into it. He succeeds alot.

Hubbs has grown hateful toward Teknon for what he has done toward me, toward us all. His increasingly thin love for his own son has grown even more thin. I have to admit, I have barely smiled a real smile in 7 years. Teknon, may be being a truer version of himself than he's ever been, for all I know. The one who loved so well and displayed so much kindness, long ago, may have been the deception. That's what Hubbs says. I just CAN'T BELIEVE THAT. Hubbs says that he was just using us. CPrincess doesn't speak well of her brother, either. No one does. It's their pain talking. Only my heart believes, Jesus. I STILL BELIVE IN HIM. Is that of You, or am I just in deep deep denial ? The lines of hope and faith are very blurry. Your Hand hasn't moved in him for soooooooooooooooooo long, that we have witnessed. He is unkind and bitter, by his own admission.

It is possible for two men to never grow a bond. Some men are so different, and Your purpose for them so askew, that there can just be no bond. Since there barely ever was a bond between Hubbs and Teknon, maybe there never will be... I know Hubbs WANTS one, but he can't get UNDER Teknon and Teknon WON'T get under him.

This does not account for the utter 360 that Teknon has done with me. He does not share ANY love with me at all. He never lasts in loving beyond his own needs fulfilled, anymore. In fact, he is purposely hurtful and unkind toward me. HOW IS THAT JUST, Jesus ? You know the love that You give me for him. It is so real. It suffers so much for his company in loving. These days, I know WHY You were crying FOR ME on that cross, in that dream... What justice is there in being me in this story ? When do I ever get mine ? Where's the deliverance, the answer, Your Hand at work... I just can't find it.... I can usually find it in EVEYTHING !

Maybe I already got it. Maybe my wonderful childhood was all I was meant to get. I'm always trying to get back there, to the loving that was real.... It made me who I am. It still sustains me. Losing bigGunzMan's reliable love from my days has compounded the pain, too. Maybe You could send another, soon. SOMEONE TRUE, please. They are TOO RARE !!!! Do I NEED to wait a long time for another, or could You answer this prayer fast ?

YouTube - Incubus - Love Hurts

"Love Hurts" ~ Incubus ~

Tonight we drink to youth
And holding fast to truth
(I don't want to lose what I had as a boy.)
My heart still has a beat
But love is now a feat.
(As common as a cold day in LA.)
Sometimes when I'm alone, I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

I'm fettered and abused,
I stand naked and accused
(Should I surface this one man submarine?)
I only want the truth
So tonight we drink to youth!
(I'll never lose what I had as a boy.)
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing?

Love hurts...
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive.
Love sings,
When it transcends the bad things.
Have a heart and try me,
'cause without love I won't survive.

THANKS FOR INDIA !!!! I really needed it to breathe new life into me, Jesus. You knew that. Taking me on the road away from the death of THESE... just for a break... a break WITH YOU AND YOUR'S. There's no love here anymore... only Hubbs... he'll be fine til I get back. Teknon has grown to be the worst of them all. He is ugly. How did that happen to him? Where were You? Why did You let him fall so deep into his own selfishness ? He's nothing like me anymore... nothing like You !

Humpty Dumpty sat on his walls,
Humpty Dumpty had some great falls,
All the King's horses and all the King's men,
COULDN'T put Humpty together again.
BUT THE KING COULD..... IF He would.

Shachah · #**430** 11th November 2009, 10:57 PM

Today was a little twilight zoney for me, Jesus. it seems that there is rarely ever a day without distraction, again.... WHY so acute ? Now, I guess I am concerned that I am gonna go across the globe without resolution or closure. You know, I don't hate Teknon.... but I SURELY hate his ignorance, arrogance and selfishness. Please break him of this cold and unkind treatment. I don't want to pray blessings on him, Jesus. I don't want to pray against your purposes in breaking him.

Into YOUR ABLE HANDS I render his spirit, to mold and shape and break as You see fit.

I'm just grateful for a warm, cozy, paid for bed to slumber in. Thanks for that. ..... of, yeah, and thanks for ALL the times that I realize my spirit singing in the background of my mind.... or saying poems or nursery rhymes or whatever cool words that You give it to speak. It utterly surprises me what it sings and when, Jesus. THAT'S delightful. I KNOW that sounds sssoooo crazy to the uninitiated. You KNOW what I am refering to, Lord. Thanks for that. Hubbs says his spirit doesn't do that.... I think that is a terrible shame.

Hallelujah for praise and thanksgiving, amen.

FREE ME, for your Glory manifest.

YouTube - Red- Gave It All Away

"Gave It All Away" ~ Red ~