Temper tantrums...ugh! Sometimes age appropriate behavior drives me bonkers. Any advice?
What is "age appropriate behavior?"
How old is your child? Does your child throw temper tantrums?
__________________ "Apart from an acknowledgment of God's absolute, all encompassing sovereignty, there can be no true thanksgiving, praise, or childlike dependence upon Him. What a gracious thing that He has opened our eyes to behold with wonder His works. As John the Baptist said, a man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. How gracious He has been to us!" - One of my beloved brothers in the Lord Jesus
How old is your child? Does your child throw temper tantrums?
She is 2.
Yes, sometimes she throws temper tantrums. It is not as bad as it used to be since she started talking more. My docotor has told me that children in this age group sometimes display this behavior and it is totally normal. "Age appropriate behavior" was also a phrase she used to describe the phenomenon. Her advice was to ignore the behavior and eventually it would go away as my child got older. I have tried this and it does not work at all for my daughter. If I ignore her tantrum she is moody and acts this way all day long! I have recently began using time-outs as a coping device for her and myself. A cooling down period. This I have found is somewhat successful, but rather difficult to inforce in public places.
My son turns 2 on the 25th. It's a great age. It's so fun to watch them discovering the world around them and learning to interact with it.
My docotor has told me that children in this age group sometimes display this behavior and it is totally normal. "Age appropriate behavior" was also a phrase she used to describe the phenomenon. Her advice was to ignore the behavior and eventually it would go away as my child got older.
I'm not a doctor but I am a parent of three who looks to the Word for advice on biblically based child training. Let me tell you a little something about doctors who say "Ignore it. It will go away." First, they are not advising you to handle it in a biblically based way. That whole "Ignore it" method is a completely unbiblical, secular way of dealing with INappropriate behavior. The "ignore it" crowd are closely grouped with the "you just wait" crowd. The "you just wait" crowd are the people who say, "You have very well behaved children, but you just wait." They say this because they do not raise their children according to biblical principals so their own children are not well behaved and instead of looking at the source of their problem, i.e., the method of they employ in child rearing, they pin the blame on the child's age and call it "age appropriate behavior."
Let me describe for you, in case you haven't already realized it, the natural instincts of a child. Me, me, me. That's what they're concerned with. Children, by nature, are selfish and could care less whether they break the rules. Do you know what happens if you don't actively correct that behavior? They grow into selfish adults who could care less whether they break the rules. This selfishness is inherent and is not a "phenomenon." It is natural alright. It is naturally in need of correction.
Children are quite smart. Many people overlook opportunities to train their children because they assume that their child will "grow out of" that behavior pattern or they believe that an unacceptable behavior should just be overlooked because of the child's age. Nothing could be further from the truth. Let me assure you that if you do not correct it, it will get worse, not better.
There is something very important that you should understand about people in general, and children specifically. If you don't correct a certain behavior you are still teaching them. You are just teaching them that a certain behavior will be tolerated.
I have tried this and it does not work at all for my daughter. If I ignore her tantrum she is moody and acts this way all day long!
Don't let it get you down. You're daughter isn't different. That is exactly how 99.9% of kids are. It is their natural response to life to push the envelope until they find out what the bounderies are. Children like bounderies. Have you ever met a child who didn't have any rules to follow? As they grow older they think their parents don't care enough about them to discipline them. I knew a lady who once said, "I love my children too much to discipline them." WRONG. She loved herself too much to discipline them. She didn't like the way it made her feel to have to be the parent so she tried to bribe, cajole, threaten, and scream her kids into doing what she said. My own wife often comments on how well the kids listen to me and how happy they seem to obey me. This took time. It took consistancy. My children are not afraid of me but they do respect my authority. I was given that authority by God. That you don't earn. The personal respect, i.e., your children looking up to you as a godly, respectful, caring parent, is something you earn. The difference between me and my wife (she is getting better) is that she gives them a bunch of chances or she does the "1...2...3" thing. You know what my children, to include my 2 year old have learned? They've learned that they get a bunch of chances and they only have to obey when mom does the "1...2...3" thing. Do you know what they do if I'm in the room? They obey right away. Do you think that's coincidence? Of course not. I ask my children to do something, but I do it in a way that shows that I expect them to do it. If they don't do it they get their behinds smacked. Then I ask them again to do it. They don't get chances. I expect them to obey and have worked towards them learning that. You know how many times I had to spank my oldest son, he's 7, in the last year? About 5. Believe me, it's not that he grew out of being selfish and self-centered. I got him out of that.
I have recently began using time-outs as a coping device for her and myself. A cooling down period. This I have found is somewhat successful, but rather difficult to inforce in public places.
Time outs are fine but they cannot be what you use to deal with willfully rebellious behavior. When children are openly defiant they are testing you to see who's will is going to win out. If your children learn that you won't discipline them in public, which takes them about 2 seconds to learn, then they will constantly act out in public because they know they can get away with it. I live in the liberal state of California where public physical discipline of your own children is an arrestable offense. My children don't push the envelope at home or in public because they know that, if necessary, I will take them to a private place and spank them.
You also need to make a distinction between dealing with willful rebellion and punishment. Spanking is not a punishment. It should be used for one purpose, and one purpose only. That purpose is to deal with willful rebellion. I'll give you an example. Let's say that you tell your daughter not to touch the knick-knacks you have on the shelves. Once you have determined that she knows she's not supposed to touch them, which is normally indicated by the "deer in the head light" look when you catch her touching them, you need to understand that if she does it again she is willfully rebelling. IOW, she is ignoring the rule. It doesn't matter that she forgets. Children forget. That doesn't mean that she is not ignoring the rule. So, the way you'd deal with that is to spank her on the backside a couple of times, firmly so that she feels it but not too hard and then put her in time out. The spanking deals with her willful rebellion and the time out deals with her breaking of the rules.
There is so much more to this that I'd love to share with you but I'm not sure if you want me to continue.
One last piece of advice. Be consistant. It may seem like you are doing nothing all day except dealing with your child's rebellion but it will get easier.
Let me know if you want me to continue.
God bless
__________________ "Apart from an acknowledgment of God's absolute, all encompassing sovereignty, there can be no true thanksgiving, praise, or childlike dependence upon Him. What a gracious thing that He has opened our eyes to behold with wonder His works. As John the Baptist said, a man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. How gracious He has been to us!" - One of my beloved brothers in the Lord Jesus
My son turns 2 on the 25th. It's a great age. It's so fun to watch them discovering the world around them and learning to interact with it.
Oh I entirely agree with this. Watching them learn is exciting. She makes me laugh every single day.
Originally Posted by Refermationist
I'm not a doctor but I am a parent of three who looks to the Word for advice on biblically based child training. Let me tell you a little something about doctors who say "Ignore it. It will go away." First, they are not advising you to handle it in a biblically based way. That whole "Ignore it" method is a completely unbiblical, secular way of dealing with INappropriate behavior. The "ignore it" crowd are closely grouped with the "you just wait" crowd. The "you just wait" crowd are the people who say, "You have very well behaved children, but you just wait." They say this because they do not raise their children according to biblical principals so their own children are not well behaved and instead of looking at the source of their problem, i.e., the method of they employ in child rearing, they pin the blame on the child's age and call it "age appropriate behavior."
I agree with this also. I have found out what happens if you ignore inappropriate behavior. It stresses me out as well as my child. I too find this as a scapegoat.
Originally Posted by Reformationist
There is something very important that you should understand about people in general, and children specifically. If you don't correct a certain behavior you are still teaching them. You are just teaching them that a certain behavior will be tolerated.
I think that ignoring behavior is not only teaching them but is also condoning inappropriate behavior. My doctor also said that a child at this age sometimes will hit other children. She says not exactly because this is what's taught at home, but because children are self-centerd.(the me,me,me) Her reasoning for ignoring this behavior was that if the behavior received no attention from the parent then the child would eventually stop. I also have a 5 month old infant. I cannot wait for eventually. This is unacceptable.
Originally Posted by Reformationist
Time outs are fine but they cannot be what you use to deal with willfully rebellious behavior. When children are openly defiant they are testing you to see who's will is going to win out. If your children learn that you won't discipline them in public, which takes them about 2 seconds to learn, then they will constantly act out in public because they know they can get away with it. I live in the liberal state of California where public physical discipline of your own children is an arrestable offense. My children don't push the envelope at home or in public because they know that, if necessary, I will take them to a private place and spank them.
Public discipline of one's children is an arrestable offense in the state of Maryland as well. I fully unserstand that some parents do abuse their children. We all have heard horror stories, and been sickened by the details. One lady that I know had her children (4) taken out of her home for the offense of spanking one of them. Her child is a teen (13 at the time) and she snuck out with a guy of 21. She was using drugs and drinking. When the child returned to the house, her mother was waiting. She discovered what happened and spanked her. This is not to say that the mother left bruises on her anywhere; she simply spanked her child and rendered grounding for 3 weeks. The child was infuriated with her mother and used the system of Social Services to be removed from the home. She did not wish to follow the rules of the home and thought she would escape discipline. In this process the social workers also removed the rest of the children for their protection from the home. In the end the mother received the three other children back when she was cleared of abuse. The oldest was able to decide where she would live. The mother has been instructed not to spank her other children; the consequences would be more souvier since she now has a record of incedince. IMO this is a ridiculos and gross overbearing use of power by the child protection agency. It ripped the lives of the children and mother to bits. And now her children run her life and use the system to avoid discipline from their mother.
Originally Posted by Reformationist
You also need to make a distinction between dealing with willful rebellion and punishment. Spanking is not a punishment. It should be used for one purpose, and one purpose only. That purpose is to deal with willful rebellion. I'll give you an example. Let's say that you tell your daughter not to touch the knick-knacks you have on the shelves. Once you have determined that she knows she's not supposed to touch them, which is normally indicated by the "deer in the head light" look when you catch her touching them, you need to understand that if she does it again she is willfully rebelling. IOW, she is ignoring the rule. It doesn't matter that she forgets. Children forget. That doesn't mean that she is not ignoring the rule. So, the way you'd deal with that is to spank her on the backside a couple of times, firmly so that she feels it but not too hard and then put her in time out. The spanking deals with her willful rebellion and the time out deals with her breaking of the rules.
Unfortunately, in our home I am the one who takes on the responsibility of disciplining our oldest daughter. My husband used to say that he loved her too much to discipline her or correct her behavior. He said he couln't stand to see her upset with him. We had arguments over this several times (not in front of her). Finally I said fine, but do not complain when she doesn't listen to you. I am a stay at home mom, but I do things sometimes to get away from the house. A change of scenery and adult interaction. I love my job, but I need some time for myself also. This of course means that daddy would stay home with the kids when I would go. He realized that ignoring her behavior was like a ticking time bomb. He has recently began to discipline, but she hardly listens. She does on the other hand listen pretty well to me, and he gets upset over this. (As I said the tantrum throwing is diminishing, but it still happens.) Or when she is acting up in front of him when I am in another room he will ignore her behavior, and wait for me to deal with it. I try to be consistant and yet he doesn't help to back it up.
Last edited by water_ripple; 10th September 2003 at 03:19 PM.
My doctor also said that a child at this age sometimes will hit other children. She says not exactly because this is what's taught at home, but because children are self-centerd.(the me,me,me) Her reasoning for ignoring this behavior was that if the behavior received no attention from the parent then the child would eventually stop.
Umm...I don't mean to be too forward but it sounds to me like you need to find a new doctor. Is this just a pediatrician or does she provide some type of counseling service?
One lady that I know had her children (4) taken out of her home for the offense of spanking one of them. Her child is a teen (13 at the time) and she snuck out with a guy of 21. She was using drugs and drinking. When the child returned to the house, her mother was waiting. She discovered what happened and spanked her. This is not to say that the mother left bruises on her anywhere; she simply spanked her child and rendered grounding for 3 weeks. The child was infuriated with her mother and used the system of Social Services to be removed from the home. She did not wish to follow the rules of the home and thought she would escape discipline. In this process the social workers also removed the rest of the children for their protection from the home. In the end the mother received the three other children back when she was cleared of abuse. The oldest was able to decide where she would live. The mother has been instructed not to spank her other children; the consequences would be more souvier since she now has a record of incedince. IMO this is a ridiculos and gross overbearing use of power by the child protection agency. It ripped the lives of the children and mother to bits. And now her children run her life and use the system to avoid discipline from their mother.
As sad and frustrating as this story is, and as much as I love my kids, if I had to choose between raising them in a godly, authoritative manner and them not living with me, well, as my momma used to say, "Don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya."
Unfortunately, in our home I am the one who takes on the responsibility of disciplining our oldest daughter. My husband used to say that he loved her too much to discipline her or correct her behavior. He said he couln't stand to see her upset with him. We had arguments over this several times (not in front of her). Finally I said fine, but do not complain when she doesn't listen to you. I am a stay at home mom, but I do things sometimes to get away from the house. A change of scenery and adult interaction. I love my job, but I need some time for myself also. This of course means that daddy would stay home with the kids when I would go. He realized that ignoring her behavior was like a ticking time bomb. He has recently began to discipline, but she hardly listens. She does on the other hand listen pretty well to me, and he gets upset over this. (As I said the tantrum throwing is diminishing, but it still happens.) Or when she is acting up in front of him when I am in another room he will ignore her behavior, and wait for me to deal with it. I try to be consistant and yet he doesn't help to back it up.
It sounds to me like your husband needs to start getting counseled by a good, biblically based counselor on the responsibilities of being a husband and father.
If I may, I'd like to suggest a book for you to read.
I read it and though I didn't agree with every single thing the author said I think it was the best parenting book I've ever read, and I've read quite a few. Anyway, the name of the book is What the Bible Says About Child Training, by J. Richard Fugate. It is an excellent book.
As a matter of fact, I think I'm going to reread it.
God bless
__________________ "Apart from an acknowledgment of God's absolute, all encompassing sovereignty, there can be no true thanksgiving, praise, or childlike dependence upon Him. What a gracious thing that He has opened our eyes to behold with wonder His works. As John the Baptist said, a man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. How gracious He has been to us!" - One of my beloved brothers in the Lord Jesus
Umm...I don't mean to be too forward but it sounds to me like you need to find a new doctor. Is this just a pediatrician or does she provide some type of counseling service?
Pediatrician. She offered advice without me having to ask. Isn't this ironic?(haha) Unfortunately, we live on a limited income and live in a very small town. Changing doctors is difficult. The insurace only covers certain doctors. I have decided to ignore her advice, but it does get on my nerves.
Originally Posted by Reformationist
As sad and frustrating as this story is, and as much as I love my kids, if I had to choose between raising them in a godly, authoritative manner and them not living with me, well, as my momma used to say, "Don't let the door knob hit ya where the good Lord split ya."
I agree, but as I said it is difficult when one does the disciplining and one is aloof.
What the Bible Says About Child Training, by J. Richard Fugate.
Thanx a bunch for the advice and recommending a book. I greatly appreciate. =)
I tried this on my youngest--in the privacy of our home. She decided she wanted to throw a temper tantrum about something. I watched for a minute or two and then said:
"You call that a tantrum? Let me show you one" I proceeded to get on the floor and kick and scream like she had been doing--only louder! She never threw another tantrum.
__________________
Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona
I tried this on my youngest--in the privacy of our home. She decided she wanted to throw a temper tantrum about something. I watched for a minute or two and then said:
"You call that a tantrum? Let me show you one" I proceeded to get on the floor and kick and scream like she had been doing--only louder! She never threw another tantrum.
__________________ "Apart from an acknowledgment of God's absolute, all encompassing sovereignty, there can be no true thanksgiving, praise, or childlike dependence upon Him. What a gracious thing that He has opened our eyes to behold with wonder His works. As John the Baptist said, a man can receive nothing except it be given him from heaven. How gracious He has been to us!" - One of my beloved brothers in the Lord Jesus
Uh, yeah, a friend wants to know. 
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