Godly relationship struggle.. advise plz

i've been together with my gf for a little less than a couple years now. i am 27 and our relationship is pretty serious. the problem is.. sex.
coming into our relationship.. neither of us were virgins. though we made a commitment to keep sex out of our relationship, having tasted the forbidden fruit, we broke quite early. now, it's very hard to abstain. for one.. we're in a long distance relationship. she's in boston and i'm in the bay area.. so when we do see each other.. it's very very hard not to.

i don't know.. i read alot of sites.. on Godly relationships.. and though most all of them differ in opinion and advice in one way or another, they are all unanimously consistent with ----> don't have premarital sex period.

these sites tell us how we can avoid not having premarital sex for the first time and stuff but, i have yet to come across reading material that says to me.. "okay, you've sinned. you're hooked in sin. these are steps you need to take to get out."

it's my conscience that bothers me. going against the Holy Spirit tears me apart. it's.. knowing she's coming into town for the weekend and anticipating and premeditating sin.. i gave up trying to convince myself that i'll stop myself because.. when i'm with her.. in that moment.. all reasoning and logic just flies out the window and i get consumed with lust.. everytime without fail.

i WANT to please God. i WANT to have a Godly relationship. but i also WANT to make love to her. so.. i try praying about it but i realize that i do not WANT to stop WANTING to make love with her. this is really getting to me cuz it's getting in the way with my walk with God. basically.. i put lovemaking above God in my priority and i don't know how to change that..

i'm struggling. and i hope you realize that my struggle is genuine.

marriage is not an option.. yet. and many people like to use unwanted consequences such as unwanted pregnancies.. diseases.. to make people think twice about sex but that stuff doesn't phase me at all. i was in the christianity and sexuality? section of this forum and that definitely did not help. some posts almost convinced me that premarital sex is quite beneficial in an amusing way. any advise would be greatly appreciated.

thanks in advance...

Man. It would be a hugely bad idea to have a kid right now. Think of it that way. That would create a titanic mess considering you live so far from each other. The thought of having a kid always straightened me up.

You can't unring a bell. Barring a miracle, you are going to have sex with this woman until you break up, one of you becomes unable to have sex, or one of you dies. Realistically you can choose to live in sin as you are, get married, or break up. If you think she is 'the one' why not marry her?

You say marriage isn't an option yet...why is that?

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Peace,
-M-

"I have put the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalm 16:8

Psychologically convince yourself that you're proving your love to her moreso by stopping your "acts" together then by continuing in them. Here's why......stopping will bring you closer to God. And when anyone's brought closer to God, we're brought farther away from this world and ultimately made into better men and women. So you are becoming a better man for her, a Godly man for her, which shows your love for her far more then the act of making love does, IMO. And if you're not convinced of that argument.......here's my reasoning. Characteristics of a Godly man lead to eternal things, they will give you wisdom and strength when your relationship/marraige is in trouble (which will happen), they will be there 50 years from now when the sex isn't there. You will still have reasons to love eachother. You will also be doing this not only to prove your love to her, but to prove your love for God. You can do this.......pray that you'll be filled with the Holy Spirit when she comes over, talk to her about it so she can be prepared to restrain as well, and the Holy Spirit will give you the power to refrain.



I said a prayer for you just now.

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"For attractive lips speak words of kindness, for lovely eyes seek out the good in people, for a slim figure share your food with the hungry. The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes because that is the doorway to her heart the place where love resides."
-Audrey Hepburn

I'm not sure I agree with everything desi said, but I can appreciate his thoughts and your concerns. I would schedule lots of activities in public places (going to shows, walks, any sports you can play, etc.). Even if you think she's the one, don't jump into marriage. Your thoughts are consumed with sex, and not about how you two would work together as a couple. You need to find lots of activities that test how you can solve problems together. Are you respectful of each other? Do you at least listen to each others thoughts and opinions? Are you willing to let her have her way if you can tell she really wants something and it's not that big a deal to you? Will she let you have your way if she can see it's a big issue for you? All these things you won't be able to sort out when you're infatuated or consumed with thoughts about sex.

It does scare me when some people say "If you can't abstain from sex, why not just get married?" Often those who do marry for that reason discover the real answers to my previous questions and discover they can't stand each other and have a miserable marriage. Believe me on that.
God speed to you.
Enslow

Pray, pray and pray some more. Are you involved with a church? With a men's group? I'd try to find one. Then pray some more. Ask your girlfriend to pray also.
Godspeed,
Enslow

Hi Soberingup:

I remember reading a few pages out of a book, I think by Robbie Castleman (not sure if she wrote for Intervarsity Press)...in which there was an anecdote about a engaged couple who were serious Christians, but got involved sexually before the wedding. I don't remember all the suggestions that were outlined for this couple, unfortunately. But from what I remember, I believe that they went to get outside help (a person who counselled them, accountability partner, people who prayed for them, etc.) and made sure that they were never alone at each other's place unless there was someone else there to make a third (like a chaperon). They also deliberately outlined specific boundaries/limits/activities that they would/wouldn't do...but I can't recall the particulars at the moment. I *might* post again if I can find the book in my church's library tomorrow (if it's not signed out, and if it hasn't gone missing).

Maybe you might have to restrict your meetings with your girlfriend in public places where things are not so private for the time being...and have some sort of deliberate, thought out plan to not have sex.

You might also need to consider the possibility that another poster mentioned...about breaking it off entirely with your girlfriend (which seems to be something that you don't really want to do at this time).

I was wondering, too, like a couple others, about why marriage at this time isn't an option for you right now?

Anyways, I'll try to post again tomorrow...at least with the name of the book.

ebd

I'll make this short and sweet. Read Hebrews 12:1-3 and think about it. Basically, cast anything that hinders us aside, and focus on Christ. Therefore, do anything you need to make that possible. If you have to cast your relationship aside to fix your eyes on Jesus, so be it. It's tough, but you won't regret it in the end.

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thanks for all your concerns..
marriage isn't an option because we are not yet financially stable. we're both in graduate school and our parents and loans are paying the way. i can not consider marriage until we have the financial means for supporting ourselves. can't rely on parents for that... we'll be graduating in a year or maybe two so.. i'd rather not jump into marriage until we have ourselves established.

what all you guys said make sense.. desi's comment that basically tells me that i'm just screwed probably makes the most sense to me right now.. but i guess.. and i feared.. that what it all comes down to is.. i just have to force myself to stop.
as for getting involved with church? gosh.. i can't even think it with this hypocrisy in my head.. this sucks.

btw thanks so much LifeInYou and all others that may have remembered me in your prayers.