The worst mistake you could make is to fight this alone.
If you have any kind of support ministry in your church, you should sign up for it. I am currently doing that in order to deal with some personal issues in my life, and believe me, there is no way in the world that I could have dealt with them alone.
I found the book. It's called, "True Love in a World of False Hope: Sex, Romance & Real People", by Robbie Castleman. It was published in 1996 by Intervarsity Press. The ISBN is 0-8308-1958-4 .
The relevant chapter is Chapter 9, pages 110-122.
I skimmed the chapter over...it builds on some guidelines that were detailed in another chapter...basically to keep all four feet on the floor when you're together, don't take your clothes off, and no erotic fondling (she also recommends avoiding French kissing and she explains her view on this).
Anyways, in the chapter that discussed the couple that got involved sexually before marriage, she suggests the following:
-redefine the relationship boundaries clearly
-identify tempting situations, attitudes, and attire/clothing
-evaluate other factors such as time, talk, and touch
-establish an accountability resource with a counselor, friend, parent, or pastor to encourage your efforts and obedience to God. Choose a person who exercises both truth and grace in the repentance and restoration process
-set specific rules of conduct. Let the person who is weaker in an area to set the limits for conduct accordingly.
I hope that this is enough of a summary to give you an idea of some things that you may wish to consider.
The problem is that you have been dating for years. That is WAAAAY too long. If you cannot control yourself, then be a man and break up with her, since you are so afraid of marriage. The bible says that it is better to marry than to burn with passion (1 Corinthains 7:9).
Forget that establishment and financial junk, just get married. Live in your parents basement if you must. Switch schools if you must. Do what it takes, and make it happen. But do not live in sin any longer, you know how much it is killing you. Right?
It is better to marry than to burn, remember that.
__________________ Psalm 40: 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
I can relate to your situation. I am 26 and have been in a similar situation. I believe that you have already heard all you need to hear. The fact that
you realize you are going against the Holy Spirit is good and bad. You acknowledge it but you don't seem to be making moves to change it. The Holy Spirit dwells in us so therefore you are having an inner struggle and until you make a decision (for our God) that you will die daily in order to stop living in the flesh and allowing the flesh to guide your actions, you will not meet your full potential. God has great plans for you. If you and your girl are meant to be, you will make it without having to sin. Also, because you love each other, you should be considerate of each others salvation.
We don't have to be hooked in sin because Jesus provided our way out when He was sacrificed on the Cross. He is our anchor!
You're searching for an answer you're never going to find on any website. The answer is in your spirit. You will have to move in the spirit, pray, fast, and make a decision that Jesus did not die in vain. You were not given this life to do as 'you' would with it but to do what God has ordained for you.
Lastly, the want to make love is a natural thing, God gave that as a gift to MARRIED couples. Because the 'world' decided it was OK to do outside of marriage, making love has become somewhat distorted.
There's no greater love than the love of the Lord!
Originally Posted by soberingup
i've been together with my gf for a little less than a couple years now. i am 27 and our relationship is pretty serious. the problem is.. sex.
coming into our relationship.. neither of us were virgins. though we made a commitment to keep sex out of our relationship, having tasted the forbidden fruit, we broke quite early. now, it's very hard to abstain. for one.. we're in a long distance relationship. she's in boston and i'm in the bay area.. so when we do see each other.. it's very very hard not to.
i don't know.. i read alot of sites.. on Godly relationships.. and though most all of them differ in opinion and advice in one way or another, they are all unanimously consistent with ----> don't have premarital sex period.
these sites tell us how we can avoid not having premarital sex for the first time and stuff but, i have yet to come across reading material that says to me.. "okay, you've sinned. you're hooked in sin. these are steps you need to take to get out."
it's my conscience that bothers me. going against the Holy Spirit tears me apart. it's.. knowing she's coming into town for the weekend and anticipating and premeditating sin.. i gave up trying to convince myself that i'll stop myself because.. when i'm with her.. in that moment.. all reasoning and logic just flies out the window and i get consumed with lust.. everytime without fail.
i WANT to please God. i WANT to have a Godly relationship. but i also WANT to make love to her. so.. i try praying about it but i realize that i do not WANT to stop WANTING to make love with her. this is really getting to me cuz it's getting in the way with my walk with God. basically.. i put lovemaking above God in my priority and i don't know how to change that..
i'm struggling. and i hope you realize that my struggle is genuine.
marriage is not an option.. yet. and many people like to use unwanted consequences such as unwanted pregnancies.. diseases.. to make people think twice about sex but that stuff doesn't phase me at all. i was in the christianity and sexuality? section of this forum and that definitely did not help. some posts almost convinced me that premarital sex is quite beneficial in an amusing way. any advise would be greatly appreciated.
My dear friend in Christ, my wife and I were faced with this very problem 9 years ago. Christ tells us that, as men, we are the "Spiritual” leaders of our relationships. You are responsible for where you lead her. It was very difficult to lead my wife -then girlfriend -GODS way because she was a new Christian and took my leadership as a direct rejection. OUR RELATIONSHIP W/ Christ IS ONE WHERE HE ENCOURAGES US TO "TRUST AND RELY ON Him". When you guys are weak, GOD EXPECTS YOU to come immediately to Him to ask for strength to resist these temptations. Our obedience lead to the greatest BLESSING WE COULD EVER IMAGINE. Our 6-year-old DAUGHTER Jessica who is now my wife’s best friend. She was concieved on our wedding night. Ask GOD for help being obedient. Obedience leads to blessings.
I can relate to your situation. I am 26 and have been in a similar situation. I believe that you have already heard all you need to hear. The fact that
you realize you are going against the Holy Spirit is good and bad. You acknowledge it but you don't seem to be making moves to change it. The Holy Spirit dwells in us so therefore you are having an inner struggle and until you make a decision (for our God) that you will die daily in order to stop living in the flesh and allowing the flesh to guide your actions, you will not meet your full potential. God has great plans for you. If you and your girl are meant to be, you will make it without having to sin. Also, because you love each other, you should be considerate of each others salvation.
We don't have to be hooked in sin because Jesus provided our way out when He was sacrificed on the Cross. He is our anchor!
You're searching for an answer you're never going to find on any website. The answer is in your spirit. You will have to move in the spirit, pray, fast, and make a decision that Jesus did not die in vain. You were not given this life to do as 'you' would with it but to do what God has ordained for you.
Lastly, the want to make love is a natural thing, God gave that as a gift to MARRIED couples. Because the 'world' decided it was OK to do outside of marriage, making love has become somewhat distorted.
There's no greater love than the love of the Lord!
Amen, amen, and AMEN!!!! Put yourself in the lead, as the man, and stop sinning. If you love her, you want her as close to GOD as possible...not you. Good luck, Soberingup. God bless you.
__________________
I take up compassion and surrender my excuses. I stand against injustice and commit to live out simple acts of God's love. I refuse to do nothing. This is my resolve. I AM THE LOVE REVOLUTION.
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Jesus, I plead Your blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America. Amen.
Tough situation, soberingup. I have a few questions:
1. Have you talked to her about this?
2. Does she have the same convictions about God and premarital sex?
3. Have you talked to a pastor about this?
I had a friend in a similar situation a while back. He asked me to hold him accountable, but no matter what we tried, he could not stop having sex with her. It became a major stumbling block in his relationship with God. Eventially, I (along with some other Christian brothers who sincerely cared about him), counseled him to break up with her. He didn't, and she ended up pregnant. Then they broke up and he now has a newborn child in another state.
Without knowing much about you situation, I recommend that you break up with her. I also wouldn't date unless you're able to get married. (I'm not saying this is the right path for everyone, but if you have a problem with premarital sex, I would avoid relationships if you can't marry).
thanks for all your concerns..
marriage isn't an option because we are not yet financially stable. we're both in graduate school and our parents and loans are paying the way. i can not consider marriage until we have the financial means for supporting ourselves. can't rely on parents for that... we'll be graduating in a year or maybe two so.. i'd rather not jump into marriage until we have ourselves established.
Then how can you think of having sex with someone when you're not financially stable--if that's the excuse you're using for not getting married. Because no matter how much protection you use, you're always taking a risk of getting preggers. Are you financially ready for that. Thinking about a crying kid at 2am in the morning can put a damper on any sex-drive you have what so ever.
Basically, if you're stating you're not financially able to get married, then you're not finanically able to have sex.**
**Disclaimer--not meaning that it's okay to have sex outside of marriage if you're financially stable. Just making a point.
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