I haven't made any friends since I've moved out here, and I feel so lonely. If somebody talks to me, or tries to befriend me, I feel as if it is out of pity, and then I just give up on talking to them.
My family has such high expectations for me. I am unable to get a B in school without getting in some amount of trouble. I work my hardest, but what if I can't be all they expect me to be? I am letting them down academically, and I know I'm never going to hear the end of it, but I also know that my education is important to me, and if I screw that up, then what?
Since my parents divorce, we haven't gone to church much. I feel so distant from God right now, and I know that has a huge impact on the rest of my life, so from there, I just feel doomed. I know that you don't need to go to church to find God, but doing things here on my own just don't seem to be working well at all.
Everybody always sees me as happy and joyful, smiling at all times. Well, that's peachy, I put forth a good front, but it's what you don't see that's killing me. I am just dying inside, and I don't know what to do. I don't really know anyone who can be honest with...I would like to be honest about these things to a few people, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Forgive me...I know you know who you are, and you will always mean the world to me.
Life just sucks right now, it really does. I am depressed, but I can't go to see a therapist. Heck, my parents wouldn't take me to a doctor if I was on my deathbed. I've made some stupid decisions related to depression, and I don't want to make the stupidest one of them all.
I don't know what to do. I've argued with myself for so long. I am begging for help, this is horrible...I'm going to regret even writing this, and I'm crying as I do so. Please, please, help me...
Have you tried talking to the Christians at school? You should go ahead and force yourself to talk to people, its the only way to make friends. You don't look disfigured so you should fit in fine after you pick out a friendly looking person and say "Hi, my name is ---, I'm new here. What's fun to do after schoo?l; where is the best place to shop? etc..." If you are particularly shy pick out a nerd and ask them. They'll be happy just to talk to a pretty girl. Then you can work your way up the food chain.
God loves you madly, and He is in control. I think I can sympathize at least a little with some of the pain you are dealing with. My parents were divorced about 2 years ago, and it's been very rough at times.
I'm also now adjusting to college life, and it can be quite lonely for the first month or so. I cried one night last week, and that doesn't happen too often.
I don't really know what to say, so I'll just try to comment piece by piece on some of the things you said.
As far as people trying to befriend you, I know it's tough, but I would say give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it is out of pity, but it is just as likely not out of pity. Maybe they are just smart enough to recognize a lonely person and realize that person needs companionship, and they are graciously willing to offer themselves for that. Even if it is out of pity, give them a chance. They cared enough to talk to you in the first place.
This I am drawing from my own personal experience. Because of the pain I've been through in some situations, from watching my parents divorce, from my first serious relationship going bad, I've kind of gradually built a wall around myself. I've often blocked out friendship and intimacy that people are offering me simply because I am afraid of more pain. I sometimes feel so disconnected that I feel I am looking at other people through a glass wall. Just pray to God that through your pain, He will give you the courage to open up your soul to potential friends. Just be more reckless in loving people. It can make a huge difference
It all goes back to the basic, God-designed human need for intimacy. We need to know other people and we have a need for people to know us, really know us, the good and the bad, inside and out. We can't glide through life just saying hi to people. God knows this. When He created man, He immediately saw that it was not good for man to be alone. Just pray for God to send you a friend or friends, and pray for the courage to be able to open up and befriend those people yourself. Trust me, ALOT of other people out there are lonely as well. You have to get out there and talk to them, don't let yourself be isolated because of fear and pain
Satan wants you to be lonely, and he wants you to even think that you are alone in your loneliness but it's not true. ALOT of other people out there know the same pain and can relate, even if you don't feel like it, so give them a chance.
Satan's job would be really easy if he could just get all the people who claim to be Christians not to talk to anybody else. In Jesus, you have power, and you have freedom, which makes you dangerous to Satan's plans. He knows the chains you can break in other people's lives if you get to know them. He knows that when a soldier/disciple of Christ gets loose, he can keep far less people in bondage.
In other words, Satan knows you are a threat to him, and he wants to shut you up. Don't give him the satisfaction
Again, I know it's tough. I've sometimes been in the awkward situation of really wanting someone to talk to, while at the same time, being disgusted by the thought of talking to someone. Why? Because I felt absolutely no one could relate. Lately though, I've found that it just isn't true. People CAN relate, and other lonely people out there WANT desperately to know you. You are a valuable person, especially in God's eyes. And remember most of all, that God knows you inside and out and loves you as you are. Also, Jesus knows, more than any of us, what it is like to be lonely, so rest in that, and hand it all over to Him. Getting to know God is the most important part of dealing with loneliness. Humans are built to be satisfied in Him. Nothing else works. We have a God-shaped vacuum inside of us. We are made for Him.
That leads us to the next thing I wanted to talk about. I also know what it's like to be a Christian and stay away from church for a long time. It's so easy to get out of the habit of going. I too realized that you don't inherently need church to be able to have God, but I've also realized from personal experience.... that it REALLY, REALLY, REALLY helps.
I don't necessarily NEED church, but the church services really help me feel God's presence, and I find that when I stop going for a long time, I get more lonely and I put aside less time to spend with God in my daily life. Add to that all the other people there to talk to that can encourage you and pray for you. There are also things you can get involved in at church with helping others. If you and a group of people are working towards a certain goal, you can get really close to those people in a very short amount of time. Also, I've occasionally had trouble getting rides to church, so if that happens to be one of your troubles as well, I understand too, just pray that God provides a way to get there.
That's also something to consider in other parts of life. School, work, etc. Find a group you can get involved in where you can work towards a goal together, even if it's not an important goal, whether it be working at McDonald's, playing in a band, playing sports, going on a mission, ANYTHING, even if it's really small. That helps, you build strong relationships, and you feel useful, needed, and wanted.
Also, you said you did a good job putting up a happy front. I've done the same thing quite often, even today I did it. Remember that maybe the other people you see that are happy and joyful could very well be putting up a front too. Our society tells us to do that, and our human nature can sometimes tell us to do that. However, no one is perfect, and there is alot of pain out there. Pray for God to guide you to the other hurting people out there.
As far as being pressured to excel in school . . . that I can't really relate to. I will try to think of more to say later, but for now, remember that it doesn't matter to God if you aren't perfect in school, and you only have to live up to His standards. He loves you no matter what. And just pray that your parents will understand as well, and that your relationships with them can grow. Be willing to open up, love, and forgive, and pray that you can do that.
I will try to say more later. Hang in there, you aren't alone. Not even here If you have any troubles I can help you with, just say so. I know what it's like needing someone to be honest with. I'm looking for the same thing now. That person/people is out there, pray about it. Something that helps me is writing letters to people. If there is someone you know that you think could understand but if you are too afraid to be honest with them directly, write a letter to them. Even if you don't give it to them, which I've done sometimes, a couple weeks ago actually, just writing the letter can help alot.
Always remember, you are useful, wanted, and needed by God. He wants you to know that He loves you. REALLY, He does, He is cheering for you.
Hello Marie!
You have some lovely replies here already showing you, you are not alone! As a member of the Body of Christ you are loved deeply. You are 'royalty in training' for we are heirs through Jesus! One thing I have found that helps defeat depression is to step outside of yourself for a while and look with compassion at another. There are so many out there hurting in ways that you can understand and relate to that would be ministered to by YOUR unique gifts and talents. When we help others it is the most rapid way to gain our own blessing we have been seeking.
At times like these I would throw myself into my work if ministry opportunity was not available. As for grades, do your best and don't worry beyond that. You have a unique destiny planned for you by Our Precious Lord and HE knows the path, all you have to do is do your best and try to follow His leading, that alone makes you a stunning success story!
If you need a private ear, feel free to PM me. Be blessed dear child and know you are indeed loved!
~DJ
Everything will get better. Just step outside of your comfort zone a little bit to make friends, what Sean said seemed to hit the nail on the head about this topic. Obiviously you are a wonderful person with a great heart.
I know it seems like everything is collapsing around you right now, but you can't fully appreciate the good things in life without the bad. Divorce is always a sticky issue, it broke my heart when my parents divorced. I still do not agree with their decision and I still hate the fact that it happened, but it wasn't my decision, my parents had grown so far apart the gap that was inbetween the two couldn't be filled mutually. But, don't let the divorce distance you from church. The church should feel like home to you, a refuge away from the world, I know your having problems there as well with your youth group. Have you thought about going to the older adult class instead, to me these people have wisdom beyond measure and their love is unconditional. Talk to them let them help you.
Let your parents know about the unwanted pressure they are giving you at school. You know you have tried your best, if you accept it, your parents should too.
No matter what saddness comes your way look ahead at the bigger picture, your are becoming a stronger person from your adversities.
Hey keep running, its a stress reliever! Just clear your mind and enjoy the scenery. And if you feel you still have some anger inside of you grab a pillow draw and ugly face on it and go Rocky Balboa (sp?) on it. Guess what? The pillow will still love you after you beat it up, it has no feelings!
God always loves us. Have you tried getting back into church regulalry? This would be the first step. It sounds like your realationship with God needs worked on first. Go to church, read your bible everday, and pray as much and can. When you read, don't just read anything. Research the things that are troubling you in your life right now. Research depression, loneliness... all those things. If you seek God's answers you will find them.
I have been where you are. Then one day, I realized that God want's to be my top prioprity, he wants to be my one true love in my life. God doensn't like riding in the back seat.
I believe, if you put God first and seek him with all your heart. Then he will supply the other needs in your life... such as Good Christian friends.
I know it's tough, but trust in God, and one day the clouds will part, and the sun will shine.
__________________ "These Things I Have Spoken Unto You
That In Me Ye Might Have Peace. In the World Ye Shall
Have Tribulation, But Be Of Good Cheer; I Have Overcome
The World" -- John 16:33
Sean, your reply to Marie was very good. I too struggle a lot with this, and it is very hard for me to get out there and make connections and get involved. I know what its like feeling like you can't relate to others and to feel lonely like that, and it is one of the worst feelings cause you feel like no one can relate. I understand that feeling very well.
I think Sean has a point that there are many others out there who feel similar and are also isolated and struggle with the same things, and how good it is to band together so you don't have to go through it alone. Perfect example: I have this horrid fear of vomiting, and for most of my life I thought I was alone in this and I was the only one. Come to find out I do some searching around, and there is a forum with tons of people who are the same way!! That was unspeakably amazing that I found others. But this just goes to show that chances are is that there are others out there who are in desperate need of people who will understand and that somewhere on this earth are others who feel the same and struggle the same. Okay, well now I am going to go and eat my own words, lol.
I can't say I know exactly what you're gong through but I can identify with some of what you're going through. About 3 months ago I also felt "stuck" in my life, and I know that doesn't even seem close to the word to how you are feeling. I also tried to do the "happy, joyful" cover, (but now that I am able to talk with my friends about it I wasn't very good at it. I did try to take the stupidist of stupid ways to get out of it and we all know what I am talking about, I did try to kill myself, luckily I don't think God wanted me to go, and I'm sure he doesn't want you to either. As far as your parents go, really, you shouldn't live YOUR life to satisfy other people. My Mom and best friend have both had this problem, living as well as they could just to have their parents tell they were proud of them. My Mom is now 50 some and it still hasn't happened even though in my eyes and most others she is the most amazing person ever. My point is, you may never live up to your parents expectations, you only need to live up to your own. I personally don't believe in organized religion, or to an extent I suppose. I also felt the need to go to church and praise God, and find some closness to him because I haven't in as long as I can remember, so much that for awhile I just gave up on praying. Lately, I've slowly been working my way into praying although I haven't felt his love I think it may take a little more than what I've put out. I've been going to this youth church Sunday nights sparaticly and it does feel good. I went to this thing, I'm not exactly sure what to call it but it's called Choices and it's 5 days long. I went to this a few weeks after I tried to kill myself, my Mom was talking and looking for people I could go see znd talk to and she came across this. She asked me about this and at this point I just didn't have the strength to argue or say no and I new aswell as everyone else I needed help. At this time I had tried to kill myself, it didn't work but after I still felt like I wanted to be dead, I was completely stuck and didn't think there was anywhere I could go from there, I was living but inside I was dead. I would have tried to kill myself again but I'm a quadrapalegic (gimp in a wheelchair, heh) and it took me months to come up with this plan and new there was no other plans, seriously, thank God. Anyways this Choices thing, 5 days long, the first 2 days are hell mainly because it makes you face everything you don't want to. But than come out a much stronger person. It teaches you to face your inner faces, like saying "these people are just befrending you because they pity you", you tell yourself to shut the help, give them a chance type thing. I rally can't explain it very well, but as much as you may not believe you can change that much in 5 days, I came out a completely different person. Much stronger than I was. But my point, if youwant info on it I can find some and send it to you. It costs but it's totally worth it if you have the money and if you don't they do sponsor people. And it's all over the place, more in the U.S. than in Canada, shoot I'm not sure where you're from, but anyways it's an option. I don't know how much this helps but hopefully it does a little. I'll pray for you though, I have my list of people and things I need to pray for and I'll add you. For as much as I do pray hopefully it will help and God will hear. I'm sure he already has.
It really means a lot to me that this many people have responded, I love ya'll
What do you do when everything that ever meant anything to you in your life just falls away?? If I died tomorrow, I honestly don't think anyone would care.
I am suffering.
Grrr....how I would love to just talk to anyone right now...I don't see that any of you guys are online. Hmm......I have to get off of the computer. Pray for me guys....please, pray for me...................................................
Saving myself from me........ 
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