I want to know about YOUR difficult times...and how you survived.

therebelprophet · #61 26th April 2007, 09:19 PM

Originally Posted by Shazamataz

The Lord, our Father, deserves all our praise. All our hearts, all our souls, our everything. We are often too busy holding onto our dreams. I refused to give up a dream for so long... a dream of a marriage partner I had. This man is so very, very dear to me, and I wanted to marry him for so long, even after we broke up. I didn't want to give it the Father because I was scared He would take the dream away. What I couldn't see was that HE KNOWS BEST!!! All I could see was losing my precious little dream... And what resulted was the biggest faith struggle I'd ever experienced. I wanted to die. But He wouldn't let me. He wouldn't let me drown in the pain. How did I survive? I didn't. God made me survive. He gave me certain Christian friends to support me and not give up on me or judge me. In particular He gave me a friend I hadn't see in months to mentor me and work through the issues from the breakup and also from the faith struggles.

God has shown His love through these acts of not abandoning me and supporting me through His children. I feel like I've walked through fire, and come out on the other side refined into a different woman. I see Him moulding me in wife material. Mother material. Any other material He wants me to be. God is good. God is faithful. God is my King. It took me a long time to get back to this place where I could believe these things again. I think I'm finally ready for what God has in store for my life.

I encourage you all to never give up. Keep praying even when you feel nothing. Find close friends to share your struggles... after all they're probably struggling too. God WILL bring you through the tunnel of darkness.

Shazmataz -

So what was the outcome? I have been struggling with a marginally similar situation for 4 1/2 years. It has been my defining struggle and it has almost killed me on several occasions. The guy...what happened? Did you win? Or was your dream not to be had?

I've had my dreams dashed so many times, I don't even know why I bother to make up new ones. It carries with it a certain sense of futility. Will He? Can I? I don't know. I'm tired of uncertainty. I'm tired of "just trust God". I DO trust Him, but not nearly as completely as He deserves...or even nearly as completely as I know I'm capable of. It seems that most days I putter along in my own strength, not willing to give up what I DO have only to get even less in return. I know that (eventually...someday...perhaps in a few years or whenever) it will all come back to me and then some, but the closer it is to me, the harder it is to give up. Some things I have no faith for anymore and have resigned myself to only wondering about them, half-hoping that I will get what I desire...or even what God has promised me (or what I thought He had promised me).

What good does it do to struggle against the darkness if you get the nagging feeling that even God is against you? How can you possibly succeed if you are being fought by the Almighty? I used to think that I knew God, that we were truly intimate...but now I realize that we are as far apart as the east is from the west and I cannot bridge that gap with any amount of bible reading, prayer, or church attendance. It will take Him coming to me, not because I'm too proud, but because I'm too weak, too fearful, too discouraged, too disappointed, and too tired.

I don't want to be a heathen. I want to be a Christian. I'm just not sure what that means anymore.

Lisa0315 · #62 26th April 2007, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

Shazmataz -

So what was the outcome? I have been struggling with a marginally similar situation for 4 1/2 years. It has been my defining struggle and it has almost killed me on several occasions. The guy...what happened? Did you win? Or was your dream not to be had?

I've had my dreams dashed so many times, I don't even know why I bother to make up new ones. It carries with it a certain sense of futility. Will He? Can I? I don't know. I'm tired of uncertainty. I'm tired of "just trust God". I DO trust Him, but not nearly as completely as He deserves...or even nearly as completely as I know I'm capable of. It seems that most days I putter along in my own strength, not willing to give up what I DO have only to get even less in return. I know that (eventually...someday...perhaps in a few years or whenever) it will all come back to me and then some, but the closer it is to me, the harder it is to give up. Some things I have no faith for anymore and have resigned myself to only wondering about them, half-hoping that I will get what I desire...or even what God has promised me (or what I thought He had promised me).

What good does it do to struggle against the darkness if you get the nagging feeling that even God is against you? How can you possibly succeed if you are being fought by the Almighty? I used to think that I knew God, that we were truly intimate...but now I realize that we are as far apart as the east is from the west and I cannot bridge that gap with any amount of bible reading, prayer, or church attendance. It will take Him coming to me, not because I'm too proud, but because I'm too weak, too fearful, too discouraged, too disappointed, and too tired.

I don't want to be a heathen. I want to be a Christian. I'm just not sure what that means anymore.

Don't you see? In your own words, you tell what the problem is. You no longer trust God, and you give your service, but unwillingly. The problem is in your heart and the bitterness there. You must first give over this bitterness to the Lord, and accept that what will be, will be. You are responsible for your walk. God has already done more than He should have for each of us. He is not gone. He is right there waiting on you to reach out to Him, but He will accept nothing except your ALL. God does nothing half-way and He accepts no half-measures either. You know this. You just need a reminder.

Here is my suggestion, another one. Get on your knees and surrender the good, the bad, the ugly, your whole entire will. Pray for forgiveness. (I know you are doing that already) Praise God. If you cannot do it on your knees, write a letter to God and tell Him all the things you are Thankful for. Serve God. Serve others. Keep your eyes on the cross instead of all the things you think you should have, but don't.

Lisa

therebelprophet · #63 26th April 2007, 09:38 PM

Originally Posted by Lisa0315

Don't you see? In your own words, you tell what the problem is. You no longer trust God, and you give your service, but unwillingly. The problem is in your heart and the bitterness there. You must first give over this bitterness to the Lord, and accept that what will be, will be. You are responsible for your walk. God has already done more than He should have for each of us. He is not gone. He is right there waiting on you to reach out to Him, but He will accept nothing except your ALL. God does nothing half-way and He accepts no half-measures either. You know this. You just need a reminder.

Here is my suggestion, another one. Get on your knees and surrender the good, the bad, the ugly, your whole entire will. Pray for forgiveness. (I know you are doing that already) Praise God. If you cannot do it on your knees, write a letter to God and tell Him all the things you are Thankful for. Serve God. Serve others. Keep your eyes on the cross instead of all the things you think you should have, but don't.

Lisa

Lisa -

It's not bitterness...

. It's more like when a kid is learning to ride a bike and just can't seem to get it down. Eventually, after falling and failing more times than he can count, he gives up and in his crestfallen state, he goes to his room to cry because he's just not good enough, he just can't get it right, and no matter how hard he tries, he still fails. His parents love him and they want to see him succeed, I mean, after all, it's just a bicycle, right? But he will not be moved. His feelings are hurt, his ego is damaged, and until he is ready to try again, all bicycle lessons are cancelled until further notice.

In a nutshell, that's me. I've warred valiantly for many different things in many different seasons, struggle after struggle, fight after fight, and I've won a few small victories for myself and some larger ones for others, but my biggest possible victories have been miserable failures...unwarranted failures, like God said, "I know it looks like you're gonna win, but not this time! This is going to be a character building experience...deal with it." And then I end up with a face full of dirt and sod and people wonder why I just can't seem to convert, why I go from job to job, why my life is a wreck. I can't win, even if I do everything right. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...so why bother?

***Added after Original Posting**
Please don't think that I'm blaming God. We're on good terms. I'm just not ready to make the next step because I do have a small idea of what it will mean for me as far as life changes and such are concerned. The above analogy still stands, though, and until I am ready, I will not, cannot move from this place.

Lisa0315 · #64 26th April 2007, 09:43 PM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

Lisa -

It's not bitterness... . It's more like when a kid is learning to ride a bike and just can't seem to get it down. Eventually, after falling and failing more times than he can count, he gives up and in his crestfallen state, he goes to his room to cry because he's just not good enough, he just can't get it right, and no matter how hard he tries, he still fails. His parents love him and they want to see him succeed, I mean, after all, it's just a bicycle, right? But he will not be moved. His feelings are hurt, his ego is damaged, and until he is ready to try again, all bicycle lessons are cancelled until further notice.

In a nutshell, that's me. I've warred valiantly for many different things in many different seasons, struggle after struggle, fight after fight, and I've won a few small victories for myself and some larger ones for others, but my biggest possible victories have been miserable failures...unwarranted failures, like God said, "I know it looks like you're gonna win, but not this time! This is going to be a character building experience...deal with it." And then I end up with a face full of dirt and sod and people wonder why I just can't seem to convert, why I go from job to job, why my life is a wreck. I can't win, even if I do everything right. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't...so why bother?

You are 24 years old. You have your whole life ahead of you. This will pass. I apologize for misreading you on this.

Charles Stanley had a wonderful sermon about the different stages in a Christian's life. One of them was (if I remember correctly) Frustrated Failures...You are actually experiencing growing pains. It means YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT. All you have to do is hang in there. Just hang in there.

I will see if I cannot find a link to that sermon. I think it will help you alot. I know it did me, and it came on the radio just when I was where you are at right now.

Lisa

Lisa0315 · #65 26th April 2007, 09:46 PM

I found it!!!

http://ww2.intouch.org/site/c.dhKHIX...o_Archives.htm

Drop down box is February 2006. It is the first two sermons, dated February 1 and 2. They are called The Stages of Our Christian Life.

Lisa

abigale · #66 26th April 2007, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

***Added after Original Posting**
Please don't think that I'm blaming God. We're on good terms. I'm just not ready to make the next step because I do have a small idea of what it will mean for me as far as life changes and such are concerned. The above analogy still stands, though, and until I am ready, I will not, cannot move from this place.

And so you made your chose.

Shazamataz · #67 27th April 2007, 12:04 AM

Originally Posted by therebelprophet

Shazmataz -

So what was the outcome? I have been struggling with a marginally similar situation for 4 1/2 years. It has been my defining struggle and it has almost killed me on several occasions. The guy...what happened? Did you win? Or was your dream not to be had?

I've had my dreams dashed so many times, I don't even know why I bother to make up new ones. It carries with it a certain sense of futility. Will He? Can I? I don't know. I'm tired of uncertainty. I'm tired of "just trust God". I DO trust Him, but not nearly as completely as He deserves...or even nearly as completely as I know I'm capable of. It seems that most days I putter along in my own strength, not willing to give up what I DO have only to get even less in return. I know that (eventually...someday...perhaps in a few years or whenever) it will all come back to me and then some, but the closer it is to me, the harder it is to give up. Some things I have no faith for anymore and have resigned myself to only wondering about them, half-hoping that I will get what I desire...or even what God has promised me (or what I thought He had promised me).

What good does it do to struggle against the darkness if you get the nagging feeling that even God is against you? How can you possibly succeed if you are being fought by the Almighty? I used to think that I knew God, that we were truly intimate...but now I realize that we are as far apart as the east is from the west and I cannot bridge that gap with any amount of bible reading, prayer, or church attendance. It will take Him coming to me, not because I'm too proud, but because I'm too weak, too fearful, too discouraged, too disappointed, and too tired.

I don't want to be a heathen. I want to be a Christian. I'm just not sure what that means anymore.

Rebel Prophet -
The outcome? No, my dream has not come true. Not yet anyway. I finally gave the dream up to the Father and left in His capable hands. I don't know if it will come true and I will marry that man or if God has someone EVEN GREATER in store for me. Either way, I will marry God's man, be it that man or someone I have not yet met.

Did I win? Well, I don't consider it winning. Its not about me and my desires, my wants. I WANT to marry this man, but what does GOD WANT in my life? Its not about winning or losing, its about obedience to the Father and trusting (yes, there's that word again) His sovereignty.

All of what you said reminds me so much of the many thoughts and questions that went around my head in the many months of my struggle. Hoping God will maybe give me my desires and what about that promise I thought He'd given me? I guess the defining moment for me was when I finally realised that I don't know what God has in store for me. I can pretend to know all I like, it won't change the truth, that only HE knows who I'm going to marry, how many children I'll have, whether I'll actually get into the music degree at uni and whether my dream of being a music teacher will come true, whether my dreams of being in ministries will come true... and HE truly knows whats best for me. I THINK I know whats best for me, but truly, HE knows better. And once I realised that, it was much easier to give up my dreams, altho the music dreams I am still figuring out.

I thought God had abandoned me for several months. But that was a lie. You feel that He is against you. That is a lie. You cannot fight the darkness by your own strength and power. You can only fight it by HIS divine power which has given us everything we need for life (2 Peter 1:3 in my own words)

Yes, you are weak. I am weak. But HE is STRONG.Its not enought to know that strength or power. We must actually use it for our struggles. Truly, the one thing that made a huge difference in overcoming the struggles was a very dear friend who has been mentoring me over the last 6 weeks or so. God used her to speak to my heart in such a way... no-one one else could have spoken to me like that. God used her to change the darkness into light.

Your hurts and disappointments should not go unheard. Speak to someone about them. Find a friend who will truly encourage you in the Lord. There is nothing greater than a friend who encourages in the Lord.

Don't ever give up. It will be worth every second of the pain when you come out on the other side

therebelprophet · #68 27th April 2007, 03:39 AM

At what point do you disqualify yourself? Is there such a thing as a "point of no return"?

I have been swinging back and forth like a pendulum for nearly five years now. FIVE YEARS! It's been the same struggle, just different scenes, different acts. Same players (mostly) and the same situations (mostly). In a nutshell, I met a girl, great Christian girl, and a year after I met her (which would be four years ago), she became a lesbian and has been one ever since. The kicker is that she has never completely exited my life, as in, she's come and gone and when she's gone it's like she is only "waiting in the wings". The other total mindjob is that about two weeks after I met her, God (allegedly) told me that she was my wife.

I have told God on several occasions that I would rather be crazy than continue in this truly insane venture, but all indicators say that He is telling me to persist, to stay in faith, to run my race...and that victory is just over the next hill. Funny thing about hills though, they rarely ever stand alone. So I get to that hill and He says it's the next one and then the next one...could just be me misinterpreting, but in spite of that, things have worked out too perfectly and too much in agreement with what God has told me for this situation to be anything other than God's plan for me (and for her).

So, understandably so, I feel like my life is on hold. It's as if no matter how hard I try to get past where I am right now, and have been for the last few years, God will hold me back because I'm "not ready yet".

I can count every friend I've had for a year or more on one hand, at least the ones who I still call on a regular basis, the ones who know what's going on in my life right now. It's so lonely here. You never really get used to it. Especially when you've been promised someone who might as well exist only in your imagination. Friends are few and far between, church is more and more boring with each passing Sunday...and I'm gonna stop complaining now. Sorry

.

From everything that I've read, this is something that I have to look forward to for pretty much the rest of my life. My particular role is going to be laced with frustration, estrangement from my peers, and a deep-seated sense of disjointedness, like I just don't fit in anywhere. But I can't go back. You can never go back...not even if you want to. Man I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed now...

Shazamataz · #69 27th April 2007, 05:31 AM

Rebel Prophet -
My heart breaks for you. While I do not understand all the pain of your situation, I do understand some of it. You see, that man I was talking about earlier, the one I wanted (and still do want) to marry, I was sure God told me 2 years ago that he is the man I should marry. What came after that was a whole lot of ups and downs, pain and joy, broken hearts and joyful hearts, tears and ecstatic smiles. Obviously I am not with him now, and believe me, if I could be, I would. It is very difficult to go on in life when you're sure God promised you someone whom you love very much, but He seems to be taking His time. And the people around you just don't understand.

BUT if you sense Him saying to persist... then persist! Ignore the people who don't understand (which is often easier said than done, I know that from experience!!)

The road is narrow, and it is hard. But the Father is there walking beside us.

I have one question for you. You say your life is "on hold". Is this place you're in a place where God is thriving in your life? Or is this situation holding you back from God?

I desire, with all my heart, to marry that man I talked about. I have been sure for 2 years that that is God's plan for my life. But continually dwelling on that point has been holding me back from God. I had to learn to move on, understanding that I wasn't neccessarily moving for good, as in I could come back to him if God allows that, but also not putting a condition on the moving on. By that I mean, not saying: "God, I'll move on, but only if I can come back". You have to believe that God knows what is best for you, and learn to trust Him, that He will give you everything you need like it says in 2 Peter 1:3.

Only you can reach these places in your life. Again, I encourage you to find a close friend you can share these struggles with. Someone who will encourage you in the Lord. Work thru these things with them. Its important. And ask God where He wants you RIGHT NOW

abigale · #70 27th April 2007, 05:44 AM

If you were involved sexually with her God wouldn't be lying when He said that already she's your wife. If you read the bible closely that's what it says. You might need a divorce from her(?)
Because of the same face different name, it sounds like a lesson hasn't been learned that God keeps trying to make you learn before you can move on. Keep staying tuned to what He's trying to say and be willing to follow Him where He leads.
You said your afraid of where He'll lead and I can understand that since it's usually not a life of ease. He gives hard lessons but really it's worse to be stuck in the first one.
I don't want to say I think greed is a motivator for you, but ambition/greed is really a type of fear in action, and not trusting in Him to give you what is better for you than you can give yourself.
You sound a bit angry at God too for not doing what you tell Him to do about fulfilling your wishes. Well, maybe you've already used up your three wishes (bad joke)
Keep trying to walk in the way that you know He's given for you, whatever measure, His will, not yours. Give Him your time and attention. He won't let you down unless you turn your back on Him. And , maybe years later, when you turn back to Him, you'll see He;s still standing there waiting.