The ramblings of a Texas girl

TexasBluebonnet · #41 20th December 2007, 03:17 PM

I had a dream last night. I dreamed I had a baby. It was the most beautiful little girl I'd ever seen. She was perfect. I think anyway. Her mouth was a little bow, and her head was so round and her complexion was peaches and cream. She looked at me with these big, beautiful eyes. I don't remember all of it, or what else I may have dreamed but I do remember that she was hungry and I put my pinkie in her mouth. I've never done that before but in my dream she really latched on. It felt so real and she had a lot of strength. I woke up and thought about that dream for most of today. It really did feel real. I was kind of sad to wake up. It was the kind of dream that you want to re-live over and over. I don't know if I'll ever have a baby. In fact, I probably won't, but it was a nice dream anyway.

TexasBluebonnet · #42 25th December 2007, 11:50 PM

I had a really nice Christmas. Not the usual that my family does but it was still fun. Normally, we wake up, open gifts, have breakfast and then load up the car to go to Plano. Well...not this year. It was all the same except for going to my aunt's. My aunt moved back to Oklahoma and her daughter and son-in-law went up to see her. It was strange, kind of sad, but I'm not complaining. In fact, that's part of my new years resolutions. To learn to adapt. Roll with the punches. Go with the flow. I hope. I guess we're starting a new tradition here. I just wish that we could have all been together today. I missed in particular the ride over because we always played the radio and listened to the all day marathon of Christmas music. That and it's always fun to go over there. Or it was anyway. But I had a great day. I got a new laptop and in order to find it my family sent me on a scavenger hunt that took us to Best Buy and Blockbuster in my pajama's, robe, and slippers with no make-up and un-brushed hair. But I loved it. I had so much fun. I didn't care. It's one of those days where everything is calm, and peaceful, and happy. I really had a great day and I'm happy with everything I got today.

TexasBluebonnet · #43 27th December 2007, 11:00 AM

I'm so glad that Christmas is over. I love Christmas, but really I hate the rush, the frantic-ness of it. It seems worse this year to me. I feel like life can get back to normal now. I'm working, I'm writting again, I'm back to my old schedule once more and it feels good. I wish I had have been able to enjoy Christmas more. I just wish that I could have more "Christmas spirit", but it was so hard this year. This is the first Christmas since my good friend died. It'll be a year in a couple of months and I guess reflecting on those I've lost, just makes it a little harder. That, and I think the older you get Chrismtas changes for you. When I was a kid, it was the best time of year next to summer vacation. I want a low key Christmas, slower, not as stuff orientated. I like the holiday but not the presure to buy, buy, buy. But I had a nice time with my family and that's what matters.

TexasBluebonnet · #44 7th January 2008, 11:04 AM

Yesterday could have been a disaster. But fortunately, I have two very, very good friends who are so much smarter than me. One a red head like me, and the other a professional hair stylist. I bought two boxes of brown hair color a few days ago, realized it wasn't permenant so I took it back and exchanged it for something that was. So, I go over to my friends house and we sitting around looking at the hair color and what I thought would be a simple conversation turned into an hour consultation, that in the end I chose not to have my hair colored. For some reason lately, I've got it in my head that I want to be brunette. I'm not sure why. But I've decided that pretty much any brown will not look good and be too dark for my fair complexion. Why can't people just be happy with what we've got? Why do I always reach for what I don't have and shouldn't have? I think because society says to always go for what you don't have. Attain, reach, achieve, gain. I think I should add learning to be happy with me and who I am to my list of New Year's Resolutions. I really do have the best friends. They saved me from a horrible mistake that I would have regretted and hated. That and I really didn't want to risk my friendship that way. I mean, I'm sure now I would have hated my hair and then I would have gotten mad at my friend for coloring it in the first place. But when she said yesterday that she liked my hair the way it was, that changed everything for me. I'm so grateful for my two friends who talked me into reason again. I guess I was already on the fence to begin with, and kind of unsure about it anyway and all I needed was that little budge.

Also on my way home last night there was a kid on a unicycle. It's not really relevant to this story, but how often do you see a kid on a unicycle? He was crossing the street at my intersection and I asked out loud why he wasn't at home. It was getting kind of dark and I was concerned about his safety. But he was able to ride his unicycle very well. Good balance

. Something I could never do. I was rather impressed. And mystified at the same time. A strange end to a very interesting day.

TexasBluebonnet · #45 9th January 2008, 04:08 PM

Today, I've felt something I haven't in a long time. A long time meaning a few months. I wanted to die. I wanted to trade places with my dead sister. I've never been suicidal and I'm not now, but I just kept thinking as I was crying that my sister could probably live her life better than me. I'm writing a book, but it's a constant struggle. I feel like I can't do it. I've always believed it was my purpose, my calling. But what if my calling was a wrong number? I don't feel like I'm good at anything at all, and I'm scared that my life is going to be one big waste. I was spared the fate of Roe Vs. Wade for a reason, but I don't know what. I was already feeling bad as it is, but when my father told me about my dead sister who is a victim of Roe Vs. Wade, I felt worse. I feel like I've squandered my life and now to be saddled with this aweful truth about my sister is worse. She had no choice in living or dying and here I am, frittering my time and life away all the while, I was given this gift that she was denied: life. Is this what I was spared for? This? This misery? This desperation? I don't understand why I'm here. And at times, I don't even feel like I deserve this life.

TexasBluebonnet · #46 9th January 2008, 11:39 PM

I guess God really is faithful to answer our prayers and forgive our sins. I prayed to become a Christian a while ago, but it wasn't until today that I understood what it meant. I was listening to the radio and they were saying how you need to name all of your sins and confess them. I thought, I've already prayed to be forgiven. I don't need to do that. I was adament. I wasn't going to. But then later today I did. It wasn't until just today that I felt truly saved and forgiven. I went to church tonight and met some new friends. I'm so glad I did. I didn't even realize until tonight that I was needing them in my life. Thank you, God for giving me not what I ask for, but what I need. I was able to talk about my sister for the first time in nearly a year of my learning of her, and it felt great. Great in the sense of lifting off this huge weight. Now, healing can begin. I've kept it in for so long, I just need to let it out, and let it go. I'm so thankful for God in my life and for the people I met tonight and for the class I attended.

TexasBluebonnet · #47 22nd January 2008, 08:22 AM

I try not to dwell on the past. I don't try to forget things, but I do my best not to get bogged down in the past. But these last few days I've had memories rise to the surface of my mind and I can't stop it. I guess it's because the sister of a friend of mine has died. She was kind of my friend too, but we didn't really get to see a lot of each other. Especially in the last few years. I've been thinking a lot of the roadtrip that me and that friend (the one who's sister died) took with her husband, granddaughter (the granddaughter I used to babysit), her brother and my sister. I keep thinking about it and the least thing can trigger a memory. Seeing a picture of Las Vegas (we took a road trip to Vegas), a commercial for a casino. I thought, if Eugene (my friends' husband) were alive Henry (her brother) would want to go there. He was bound and determined to gamble when we got to Vegas. Even though I was thinking the whole time how lame it was. I only went because of the fun of spending time with them, the roadtrip and the stops along the way. Went to Carlsbad Caverns, Grand Canyon, and The Petrified Forrest/Painted Desert. That was the roadtrip I got the worst sun burn ever. I was major pain. I'm pretty fair so I burned easily. Despite the pain that trip is number #2 of my most favorite vacations ever. The number #1 being Hawaii. Nothing can top that. I'm just missing my friends I guess. I miss Eugene and his wife. They moved about an hour and half away to be closer to his son and his family so that he could spend time with them before he died. And since then I haven't seen much of Faye. I e-mail her often, but I really miss her.

My mind keeps going back to the days when Eugene was alive. The memories are so strong and I've found myself wishing that I could go back to those days. Things are so different now. It almost feels like we're growing apart mileage wise. Faye wrote me when her sister died and she remarked that her family just keeps getting smaller and smaller. She's suffered a lot in the last year and a half. She lost a brother-in-law, a brother and niece, her husband, and now her sister. How much more is she expected to suffer? I'm trying not to get depressed by all this, but my heart misses those days, my friends, and the times we had together. It feels like life is just going to keep changing and I'm not sure if I can deal with that right now. Memory is a funny thing. It can be a blessing and a curse. Right now it's pretty much a mixed bag. I'm grateful for the memories I do have, but they are mixed with sadness that they will never happen again.

P.S. It's been nearly a year since Eugene died.

*February 11, 2007

He was burried on Valentine's Day and that year V-Day uck-sayed for me. I'm sure this Feb. 11th I'll be thinking about Eugene and hoping Faye's okay. This V-Day will be hard too. That will mark one year since his funeral. I really miss him. He was such a great friend. Quiet, but funny and someone you liked being around.

TexasBluebonnet · #48 23rd January 2008, 10:13 PM

Suicide is not an option. As a first born only child I understand the urge though. Suicide is high among first borns and only children. I have a family history of depression too. So, I've got a lot going against me. However I've got two things in my favor. God and my sister's death. I was granted a gift she wasn't allowed. I was given a chance she was denied. I can't give up. I can't kill myself. I can't wimp out and end my life as a way to try to improve my situation. For a long time I've felt that I've wasted my life. I still live at home. I don't have a car. I don't have a job. I'm never going to get married. I could use all of this as an excuse to give up. But I won't. I still feel that my life is empty. Useless. Wasted. But I will not kill myself. Each day that I wake up is another day my sister didn't get. And each day I wake up I have to ask myself what I can do to improve myself, improve my life today. I can't worry about a week from now. Or a month. Or a year. I need to focus on today. Today is all I have and tomorrow is not a promise. Each time I think about giving up, each time those thought enter my mind, I always think of my sister and it's then that I realize I can't kill myself. It's no longer an option. I have to live no matter what until God says my time on Earth is through. So, that's my problem. I'm stuck. I'm stuck in a life that I've royally screwed up, but not even death is an option. I guess the question becomes, "Can God fix the problems of our own making? Can He fix a life that's been screwed up?"

TexasBluebonnet · #49 25th January 2008, 01:43 PM

I'm finally getting help. I've struggled with knowing about my sister's death, her murder for nearly a year and trying in vain to handle it alone. Well, I can't do that anymore. It's impossible. I've reached out to two people. One works at a crisis pregnancy center and the other is my former therapist. I started crying while talking to the C.P.C lady.

I hope I didn't freak her out. I'm afriad I did though because she ended the call kind of abruptly. She said that she'd call me back within the hour but I haven't heard back from her yet. I'm still holding out hope. I don't want to be judgemental and say that she won't call me back like she said she would, but I am worried that I freaked her out with being so emotional.

Then not long after that phone call, I called my former therapist. I started crying on her voicemail too! What is wrong with me? I haven't been able to stop crying since last night. Grrrr. Every time

I start to talk about it I start crying. I'm so frustrated. I fear that my first appointment with Toni will be nothing but crying. Maybe that's okay. Maybe that's what I need to do. I'm confident that she'll call me back. I know that she's a caring person and that she will return my call. I just hope that it all goes okay.

I don't really want to do this. But I have to. I'm not thrilled with the idea of spilling my guts about it, but I have to because I have to get involved in the pro-life movement. It's not enough anymore to say I'm against abortion. I have to get involed. Someone has to stand up for these children who are being murdered every day.

5,000 a day die from this. 50 million since 1973. The day that abortion became legal was the day my sister's death warrant was signed. I'm not delusional and think that I can single handedly ban abortion much in the fashion of William Willberforce. But we need a William Wilberforce for abortion.

We need someone to stand up and say, "This is wrong and cannot continue." We need that kind of righteous anger over a horrible wrong that has been allowed to perpetuate. But before I can even think about getting involved, I have to have healing for the pain of my sister's death.

I need to take care of myself before I can leap into the fray like that. Last night was clear evidence that this pain is still fresh, and raw, and un-healed. After "debating" someone here I shut down my computer and sobbed. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I know now that I have to get help for this.

It's just too big for me to handle aloen anymore. It's a process that scares the living daylights out of me, but I changed last night. I feel different. I'm not so superfical anymore and I'm working on being fearless. I have to be bold. I can't give in to my fear any longer. Being a big 'fraidy cat will not benefit anyone, least of all me.

TexasBluebonnet · #50 26th January 2008, 12:07 PM

I am not happy with myself. In fact, I suck. I say that because last week I had decided to visit my old Congregation. A Messianic Congregation called Bat Zion in Duncanville, Texas. I had everything ready. I put together all of my stuff in a large purse, I had my scarf, my ballet slippers for dancing, I had it all together to go today and I did that earlier in the week. Well, last night at dinner with my family I mentioned I was going to visit there. My sister very kindly, but very destructively told me that in essence I was making a bad decision. I explained my reasons and that I believed that G-d spoke to me that I should go back, but then she started to tear that apart. By the end of last night, I was so conflicted and confused I could have cried. And I was exhausted. I guess being second guessed and made to feel like you're making a horrible decision tiring. After it was all said and done, all I wanted to do was sleep in. So, I thought if I get up in time I'll go. Well, I heard my alarm clock go off and I hit the snooze thinking, just a few more minutes. A few more turned into an hour. I woke up at 9:30 and by then it was too late to get there by the time I wanted to be there. I wanted to be there before anyone else really had a chance to get there so I wouldn't walk into a room full of people who hadn't seen me in a year. And I wanted to sit with this older lady I used to always sit with. I knew if I didn't get there early enough I probably wouldn't get a seat next to her. So, I didn't go. And I'm mad at myself. I'm mad because I let my sister's destructive words shake my cofidence that I was doing what G-d wanted me to do, I'm mad that I didn't go, and I'm mad that I'll have to wait another week. I feel like I made a mistake. I just wish I hadn't said anything at all now.