My Wife won't forgive

This still reeks of chauvinism, desi.

I have never seen such a misogynistic attitude as I have seen in these posts. Disgusting. FYI, I, along with most women I know, are not vapid, hyper-emotional needy women that think we know what we want but we don't really. *I* know what I want. I know how I should be treated. My man treats me right, I treat him right. We respect each other and communicate our feelings very well. Not because we feel obligated to, we want the other to be happy. We've had to deal with some serious situations in the short time we have been together, but we are not afraid to communicate and talk about the issues and come to resolutions.

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Are you serious?!?!! If the divorce threat is merely for shock value, you're playing mind games. Obviously not the way to really communicate in a marriage and FIX THE PROBLEM. If it's serious, you'd have quite a lot of nerve to go to porn and thereby hurt your wife in one way, and then have the audacity to go further and say you're "WILLING to grant a divorce." Repulsive, in my mind.

Desi, you seem to be looking at this in a very one-sided way. From the woman's perspective, his admitting it to her might be sincere and have the best intentions, but if he really expected her to "help him overcome it" as a first reaction, that's outrageous. I caught my husband downloading porn last year. It hurt so badly that I could hardly look at him. We have completely worked through it (NOT through idle threats of divorce, but through real communication) but the fact is, it hurt like hell at first. It took TIME to work through those feelings. Pulling something like "How many times can I say I'm sorry?!" doesn't help. A huge change in actions will. Go overboard, g-man. Make sure there's no doubt in her mind that you are devoted to her, that you will never go to the pornography industry over her. She is completely justified in feeling hurt. Not in witholding sex, I agree. But if you haven't come to peace w/ the issue together, sex would merely be an act, not a connection. Most women can't do that, especially w/ their husband who hurt them in a sexual way. I felt inadequate and like I could never match up to whatever he had seen online. I took 3 days for myself to work through my emotions without saying damaging things to him in the initial shock and hurt. After that I watched him carefully to see if I could really trust him again, since he had betrayed my trust big time. A week later it still hurt, but it lessened day by day because he kept proving himself to me. That was absolutely necessary for me to be able to come back and trust him again in the most vulnerable way, sex.

PLEASE keep your patience with your wife. Surely she will come around if she gets the message from your actions and words that all of that is behind you, that you are fully devoted to her and you always will be. No matter how frustrated you are with her hurt reaction, she deserves that after you turned to porn. The world may tell you it's not a big deal - I guess it's easy to buy into that. Stay strong, stay in prayer, stay in God's word and you will know the best way to treat your wife and get past this.

You're a 31 year old woman with a boyfriend. No wonder you don't care for misogynistic attitude. If I were your father...

You're a 31 year old woman with a boyfriend. No wonder you don't care for misogynistic attitude. If I were your father...

So what is that supposed to mean? That I am stupid for waiting for the right man? I guarantee you that my father is EXTREMELY happy that I won't settle for less. It's what he taught me. He would rather me wait for the right guy instead of entering a marriage too quickly (which I almost did) to the wrong guy. You would SO not last in a conversation with my father with your attitude. He is a strong, God-fearing man, I love and respect him dearly for the way he and my mom raised me to be a self-confident woman who won't put up with being disrespected by a man.
I am so thankful that I have held out and found a man who treats me the way I should be treated, with love and respect. And he is happy that he found a woman who is just as loving and respectful to him, a woman who is not insecure and needy and carrying emotional baggage.
Don't presume to know me or why I am single at 31. I feel I have made a smart decision to NOT SETTLE for less that what I am worth. I have watched my best friend, who is my age, go through two divorces because she doesn't know her worth. I have prayed for and with her through all this, and believe that she is finally breaking through her insecurities.
BTW, this will be the last time I respond to you on this topic. I would prefer to spend my time and energy while I am at CF on other things than having to reply to yet another misogynistic post.
Sorry to the rest of you for my off-topic rant.