Need Love Advice...

CoolShadow · #1 8th July 2003, 11:32 AM

So I need some advice. There's a girl I know from college that is really great. We had been friends for a few years until we both hit it off last semester and have since lovingly grown together emotionally, intellectually, physically, and spiritually. However, this relationship has been more of a fling in definition. I'm ready to take the relationship to the level of courtship to see how compatible we might be in the long run and to see if this is where God wants us to be. But, she doesn't want to commit to anything exclusive because of another guy...
Now they're not together and they hadn't been together for some time when her and I started getting close. It's a situation where he went off to the navy and they didn't live in vicinity of each other in the first place. So it wasn't a breakup because of differences as much as it was a breakup of convenience and I'm sure both of them had expectations that they'd eventually be back together. None of us knew that she and I would begin having feelings for each other and if I had really known that strong feelings still existed between the two of them I'd have kept myself at bay. But I've come into the picture and the girl and I really feel close to each other, but she doesn't feel like she could completely give into a devoted relationship because she is not over the navy guy. She had been in relationships before but the relationship with this guy was the first one that made her think "this could be the one."
How do I deal with this situation? What should I tell her when she wants advice? We've been praying to God, how do you know when you hear him?

Icystwolf · #2 8th July 2003, 01:13 PM

Originally Posted by CoolShadow

She had been in relationships before but the relationship with this guy was the first one that made her think "this could be the one."
How do I deal with this situation? What should I tell her when she wants advice? We've been praying to God, how do you know when you hear him?

First of all, hearing God is hard. It's like doing kung fu, you can't go to one lesson and expect to be a master. You need to train to hear God.

As for your situation, I don't know how to help you. In one sense, if I joined the army, and all of a sudden my gf leaves me for not being their for her....I would get annoyed and my temper would flare, because my immediate assumption is that the guy she's going with has manipulated her...even though that might not be true.

It ultimately depends on the whole situation, it's better that if theres any chance talk with the navy personel, and talk about the girl to him in a good way.

But currently your in a tricky situation that any pins that fall could tip the balance.

Just becareful...ok?

KeepTheFaith15 · #3 8th July 2003, 02:43 PM

First im giving you big props for being their with her and for her and praying with her, guys here is someone tells them theirs another guy they'd be like forget you but for you to humble yourself and be selfless like that i give you big credit. I think what yall are doing the praying and giving her advice is great sounds like shes just natuarally and honestly confused and the way i hear God isnt a voice its feelings like when im just chillin and someone like just pops into my head i know its for a reason ya know so i just ive started when someones name pops into my head ive started to just pray and be like i dunno why God but youve put them on my heart and mind to pray for so whatever is gpoing on i just pray for your hand in their situation. everyone hears God in different ways i promise you it will go exactly how God wants it to if you both have faith in yourselfs and the relationship and most important your faith in God. Good Luck

DaveKerwin · #4 8th July 2003, 03:43 PM

She is emotionally attached to the navy guy, which is a long process to move past. I have encountered endless numbers of women who have the same type of emotional attachment. I was turned down for dates many times because of that. What a bummer. Some guy is ruining my chances!

Anyways, she needs to realize that another man can love her as much, or more. I did my best to care for a girl that I really wanted to date. At first, it didn't seem like it would happen. But I showed her what a real man was like, and after a few months, she saw what she really wanted. She wanted me, not him. So what I have to say is this: If you are crazy about this woman, I mean crazy... then persue her. Don't push boundaries, but persue her. Show her what kind of man you are. Don't force it, but be natural. If you are what she is looking for, she will realize that before long. It is difficult to be patient, and at the same time difficult to be forthright. It is easy to sit back for too long, and it is equally to easy too move to quickly. If she is someone you are wild about, don't let her go, show her who you are.

ZiSunka · #5 8th July 2003, 04:41 PM

If her heart is even slightly with another guy, she is not free to start a serious relationship with you. You want your wife to be yours exclusively, not yours except when she is thinking about him.

If you are going to have a happy life together, her heart has to be completely free to love you. Until then, courtship is out of the question.

CoolShadow · #6 8th July 2003, 08:48 PM

Icystwolf: Great analogy on hearing God's voice... thanks for the good advice.

KeepTheFaith15: Thanks for the big props, big credit, and good advice.

DaveKerwin: I like how you handle things. Thanks for the good advice.

lambslove: I agree. Thanks for the good advice.

psycmajor · #7 8th July 2003, 11:46 PM

I'm liking what everyone says, with one exception.
=====
Dave Kerwin, with all due respect, I completely disagree with you. And I feel very strongly about this topic, I might add.

It sounds like what you're saying is that the female's decision is wrong if it's not *for* the person with the crush on her.

To me, what you're saying is that the female cannot make a decision for herself. And of course, I believe women are perfectly capable of deciding what man is right for them. In my opinion, you're saying that a woman can be manipulated into believing that YOU are the one for her, even if she supposedly doesn't realize it. And unless a man gets a passive and/or naive woman, that is not true. I know it wouldn't work for me, that's for sure. I keep getting images in head of some guy pounding his fist on a table and saying, "You WILL love ME! You WILL love ME!!! Of course you cannot think for yourself! You're going to do what I tell you to do, and that's the end of the story!"

Frankly, I DON'T see how what you appear to be promoting is NOT about "pushing boundaries" and "being forceful." Because to me, that's EXACTLY what that behavior is!

You say you showed that woman that you were a "real" man is. I think you're saying, 'Look at me. I was able to get her to do what I wanted, and I'm proud of that.' That's my interpretation, anyway. Personally, I think it's incredibly selfish to assume that one can manipulate a woman's feelings in that manner. It sounds like you're encouraging someone (namely, CoolShadow) to totally throw a woman's interests to the wind for the sake of GETTING WITH THAT WOMAN, regardless of what is happening in her life already. That's not being a man; that's attempting to control another human being. Just the thought of "men" doing that irritates me.

Any "man" with the mindset that he can push me around and "persuade" me that he is for me all the while disregarding my feelings and interests will get the door slammed in his face so fast, he won't know what hit him. I don't need anyone to decide what is right for me.

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Donny_B · #8 9th July 2003, 03:45 AM

I think that she will go back to the navy man eventually, and that in the meantime you are simply using one another. I agree that a relationship can't be forced. The right relationship will come together naturally.

Also, keep in mind that college life is totally different from the real world.

psycmajor · #9 9th July 2003, 09:21 AM

CoolShadow,

If you'd like, can you share with us what you believe a healthy romantic relationship is? How closely to that image of a "healthy" relationship do you conform to?

You told me via PM that she might be "the one." What is it about her that makes you think that's so?

CoolShadow · #10 9th July 2003, 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by psycmajor

CoolShadow,

If you'd like, can you share with us what you believe a healthy romantic relationship is? How closely to that image of a "healthy" relationship do you conform to?

You told me via PM that she might be "the one." What is it about her that makes you think that's so?

A Healthy Romantic Relationship to me: A relationship in which both persons connect and grow together Intellectually, Emotionally, Physically, and Spiritually. The most important of those being the connection of the spirit with Christ. The relationship must be centered around God and must be seeking to grow with Him, not only together, but individually as well.

In my relationships my goal is to respect the person that I am with. Respect is very important to me. Seeking to grow together within those "healthy" ideals shows respect. Granted, I slip up sometimes and don't do everything that I should to strive toward this, but with God's help I try to correct what gets messed up.

I don't know for certain that this girl is the one that God has chosen for me, but I know that I feel very strongly for her. I have had long, serious relationships in the past where feelings were strong there also, but this one seems different. Here, this girl seems compatible to the point of being made for me.... And I feel like I have grown more in my walk with God than I have ever in my whole life. She has been an inspiration in my relationship with God and even if we don't end up together I will be thankful for that alone, not to mention the great friend that I would have made. Somehow, it just seems like something inside of me is telling me to pursue her; although this situation kinda puts that option to rest...