|Remarriage A forum to discuss remarriage after loss of spouse or divorce. |
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18th March 2007, 04:58 PM
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Join Date: 11th March 2007
Reps: 13 (power: 0)
| | Originally Posted by Evangelina gf follow your heart i plan to marry mike buttttttt i do have doubts and insecurities i will hold off marrying mike untill i can walk down the aisle knwing i made right choice mikes a good man hard working but does need to gorw alittle more as a man but i love him sometimes love doesent conquer all and it does change things sometimes but weigh the pros and cons before marriage this is what mike and i did when we first met 2 yrs ago we both made a list with two coloms he wrote why he liked to be with me then he wrote negative things every six months we do this and compare notes and talk it over if the list hasnt altered much ide say its stable enough to marry if new problems arise talk it over this is a very good tool for finding out if u r compatible lovers also talk over feelings have with him smoking weed anything that bothers u talk it out and love him enough to listen u have two ears one mouth use that less and listen more just hope this helps
I think you're very wise to be listening to your doubts now! I'm not saying to dump him on the spot... just be wary, and know exactly what you're getting yourself into.
You might find the book Boundaries in Dating (Drs Cloud and Townsend) useful... sounds like a dating book but it's mostly about finding a person you'd want to marry, and finding the weak spots in your relationship (and dealing with them!).
20th March 2007, 01:02 AM
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Join Date: 29th November 2006
Reps: 58 (power: 0)
I havent wrote in for awhile basically because things have been going well until just recently. My fiancee got his SSI finally. Well, he was told by his case worker that when we get married that my income will either cancel out his social security disability check or reduce it dramatically to almost nothing per month. He says he has fought to hard and to long for it and won't give it up for marriage. My pastor at church says that if he doesnt love me that much then he is not worth sticking by. My fiancee says that his cousin says he went through the same thing and got married in a church by a pastor but did not file with the state. My pastor says it is not a legal marriage, therefor not a real marriage, his cousin says , it is a real marriage in God's eyes. I addressed this with my pastor and he says that is not true. That it is not a real marriage because it is not legal. I tend to agree with my pastor. Because anyone could go before a pastor and say a few words not sign anything and walk off and then decide one day the didnt want to be married and not have to pay for a divorce or file a divorce and no one would know any different, right?
I think my fiancee is being selfish and lazy, i mean he does have a disability but there is work he could do if he had to.
30th March 2007, 11:30 AM
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Join Date: 26th September 2006
Reps: 39,582,609,961,551,952 (power: 39,582,609,961,563)
pballgirl quoting you:
"I love him very much but don't feel we have the same goals spiritually. He also acts jealous of the time i spend with my kids. He doesnt act like he wants to do things with me and the kids. I suppose i just need alot of prayer about this step. "
Ok personally this is the reason I'd honestly NOT marry this guy> As far as the drinking, I drink a beer or glass of wine every other day, sometimes every 3-4 days, sometimes in the summer every evening. It's a cultural taboo for people here that kids should view any alcohol as sinful. It is a normal ocurrence for us, as it was for me as a child but I grew up w/wine or beer on the table in S. America. Not a big deal for us nor did I abuse/sneak alcohol as a child. However it seems with him it IS a problem because of the 2 DUI's...it's all part of the pattern of irresponsible behavior.
As far as the smoking for him, it very well could be an excuse OR he is using it for pain, I personally don't see is as much of a big deal as it is for some but a continuos daily habit is definately a problem. It would be wrong if he's doing this around the kids or coming over high or having it accesible. I know plenty of highly functional moral, kind and outstanding people that very occasionally light up. I don't think it should even be illegal but that's for another thread. Again, it's just adding up to part of the pattern with him see?
COntinuosly uses alcohol, weed, irresponsible, lives of SSI, jealous of the kids, wants you all to himself, lazy.....see where I'm going here?
Now, the other, not having the same spiritual goals, most DEFINATELY a reason to not marry someone, him being jealous of your time with the kids, most DEFINATELY a reason to stop. These are internal issues, the other is external stuff but combine these together I really dont' see where it's smart to continue a relationship like this that you already know is not good for you.
Edited to add: just read your update, had missed it somehow. Really, loose the guy, the whole lazy, take advantage living off others and all of that combined, why would you want someone like that around you or the kids? You may be 46, with even more reason you can be wise and picky. Don't accept the unacceptable just to have a man in your life.
Ok, so we don't have the occasional light up guy, we have the regular pot smoking guy, who get's lazy (and that is a side effect of prolonged used lol) and wants to continue cashing checks w/out making any effort to improve his quality of life, the relationship or anything else. Drinking beer, smoking weed and having a grand time w/a gf to support him but w/out having to do right and marry her because he'd loose his check and God forbid he had to get an actual job and be an adult like the rest of us huh?
You are 46 yrs old, you can't blame being naive or making bad judgements on young age any longer, be wise, you deserve and the kids deserve better then this. Listen to the advice given and your pastor. He's shown a personality/behavior/characteristic pattern that is completly of someone I would never want around.
Last edited by overit; 30th March 2007 at 11:43 AM.
30th March 2007, 03:09 PM
You can find a better man who honors God. Dont marry him, think about your children seeing him smoking weed or drinking. Even if its for pain this is not right, there are other medications for severe pain that he can use. You still have a chance to meet another person who will really make you happy. Who will honor God and obey Him. Sweety you can do better...
My voice, song, music and inspiration is only for you my Lord God and Savior Jesus Christ, because you died for me to live. Thank you Jesus.
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Last edited by LilBoo; 30th March 2007 at 09:11 PM.
31st March 2007, 07:05 AM
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Join Date: 8th September 2006
Reps: 17,218,512,115,253,144 (power: 17,218,512,115,263)
I don't believe that marrying this guy will bring you a life of happiness.
These issues that you have with him will only multiply and he just doesn't appear to be a Godly man. He claims that he is a Christian...all Christians know that a Christian without church is like an arm without a hand. It doesn't work.
I just see red flags and hear the bells and whistles going off.
Who comes first....this man who drinks, smokes pot, and gets jealous of your children? Or your children and their well being?
I think you know in your heart that marrying him would be a bad idea, but for some reason you still hang on, maybe because you don't want to raise children alone...I don't know, but bringing a man like this into your children's lives might bring a future of heartache.
He needs to be focusing on his relationship with Christ first and then preparing a Godly life with you and your kids. He's not doing this. God should be a number one priority with him.
I'd run far and fast.
12th May 2008, 12:15 AM
I once dated a "good" man who said he was a christian. He claimed to have accepted christ right when we started to get to know each other. It turned out he never was a christian....he never even believed in God. I didn't find this out till 4 yrs. later.
He told me this because it's what i wanted to hear; because he knew i wouldn't date an unbeliever. He went to church with me, went along with my bible readings/prayers, but never initiated these things or showed me any indication that he wanted these things on his own. I told myself, "well he's a young christian, he'll grow with time"....... Now mind you, this guy lived a pretty moral life on the outside....didn't do drugs, didn't cheat, was complient with us not having pre-marital sex etc. He treated me great and showed me love and he was also a hard worker.
well 4 yrs. passed but he was still the same spiritually....no growth. We ended up getting engaged somewhere in the middle of our time together..... after some time, my relationship with god grew distant and cold. One day after a much needed prayer, god revealed to me the truth that i was not willing to face about this man's true spiritual state and i knew it would ruin my life to marry him even though he treated me well and we loved each other etc. We were on 2 spiritual planes and he was not or could not follow the path i was desiring to walk in. I realized i'd be alone in the marriage spiritually which would eventually affect and erode all facets of our relationship (it already did), only i was not willing to look at the truth. I didn't want to see the truth because i wanted the comfort of this relationship rather than obeying what god wanted for me. I was compromising what i deserved and ideally desired because i was attached to this man and afraid to be alone. 2 weeks before our wedding, i confronted him with my concerns and he finally admitted to me that he really did not believe in god....that he just told me that so as not to lose me. I canceled the wedding and walked away. Don't ask me how, but i was so relieved instead of heartbroken. My relationship with god was rebuilt and became stronger than ever. Four yrs. later i met the most amazing man of my dreams. Not only do we share so many common interests and ways of thinking, not only does he love and appreciate me like no other man i've known, but he loves god and desires god as i do. This last ingredient is crucial to a successful marriage.
The reason i shared my story was because of something you said: "he states he is a christian...." You say that as if it's something you're are not certain of. Do you know in your heart of hearts that he is someone that knows and loves christ? If you are unsure of this, then that should be a huge red flag. Christians aren't perfect and do make mistakes but you can know a tree by its fruit.
It sounds like you are starting to get to know the real him now. I suspect there is still a lot more that you don't know about him. He sounds like he has an alcohol/drug problem. Is that something you think is going to stop after you get married? Do you think he's going to love your children as his own after you get married? If he changes some of his behavior for only you, that change will not last long....it will only be outward, mechanical change rather than inward organic change that can only occur as a result of the holy spirit.
The jealousy thing with your children would also be of great concern to me if i were you. Since you have children, the man you marry should desire to love your children as his own and work to cultivate bonding with them. This should be a requirement in your choice of a husband. He obviously does not love them if he's jealous of them. Do you think by january this will change?
If my fiance had children, i would do everything in my ability to love them and bond with them out of love for my fiance.
It's great that you are going to pre-marital counseling. Is this counselor a christian?
My advice to you is to search your heart in prayer, search god's heart....read, research, seek counsel from those who are wise and do not get married until you have found peace from god of which direction to take. One yr. is a short time imo to make such a huge life time decision.
p.s how old are your children? what do they think of him? what do those who know and love you think of him? Do your children know that he is jealous of them? Has he behaved jealously in their presence?
Last edited by wonderwoman; 12th May 2008 at 12:26 AM.
16th May 2008, 03:12 AM
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Join Date: 13th October 2005
Reps: 10,402,081,355,687,844 (power: 10,402,081,355,700)
I feel for you. I just ended a 7 month relationship. Even though we were down to seeing each other just once a week, there is a big void in my life without all the phone calls. My guy was a recovered alcoholic/drug user. That wasn't our problem, but hearing all about this stuff made me so relieved I had ended an earlier relationship with a guy who had some DUI's, still drank and told me he wasn't an alcoholic.
I would suggest you go see a Christian counselor and tell him all about this guy. Listen to the advice and do the best you can for your kids. I think you already know. Do expect it to hurt when you (I hope) leave the guy. I believe the Holy Spirit answered my prayer for direction very clearly that I end my relationship, but it still hurts. He just took over full custody of his dd and doesn't know if he will ever get remarried. He was willing to compromise sexually since marriage wasn't going to be happening any time soon and I don't need that temptation. I want my kids to experience a Christian father before they get much older so I feel I need to move on for me and them.
Oh, and the man I married also said he had accepted Christ when he was losing everything. I believed him and we studied the Bible together. We quickly got married and I really regret I picked that man as a father of my kids.
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