| Clean/Christian Jokes A forum to post Christian or clean jokes and other funny stories. |
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8th April 2003, 08:33 AM
|  | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62       
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood 
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | |  You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#1)
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your front porch collapses and kills more than three dogs.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.
There is a wasp nest in your living room.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it. 
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 08:37 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#2)
You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a huntin' dog.
You're an expert on worm beds.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath!"
Your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
There is a gun rack on your bicycle.
Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.
Your primary source of income is the pawn shop.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my ship came in."
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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Last edited by 357magnum; 22nd October 2009 at 03:55 AM.
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8th April 2003, 08:40 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#3)
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
Birds are attracted to your beard.
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
Bikers back down from your momma.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 08:44 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#4)
In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you eat Spam Lite.
Your idea of a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 08:47 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#5)
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
The fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year."
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a convertible top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 08:50 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#6)
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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Last edited by 357magnum; 22nd October 2009 at 03:57 AM.
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8th April 2003, 08:53 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#7)
Your favorite hunting dog has a bigger tombstone than your grandfather.
Your masseuse uses lard.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
On stag night, you take a real deer.
There is more oil in your cap than in your car.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.
Your baby's favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.
You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 08:57 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#8)
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You list your parole officer as a reference.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
You don't think Jeff's Foxworthy's jokes are funny.
You have to throw down a rope ladder to get out of your truck.
The tires on your pick-up are taller than your children.
The duct tape on your car seat sticks to your rear when you get out.
You think "dual airbags" refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
It doesn't bother you when you walk through a barn barefooted.
You ask your 10-year old son how to spell a word.
You have all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes on tape.
You can give a summary of all the "Dukes of Hazzard" episodes.
You think that Roe v. Wade is a decision you make when crossing the creek.
It takes you and 31 others in the same room to show off a full set of teeth.
You've ever shoplifted Spam.
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 09:00 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#9)
Your blood alcohol content has ever exceeded your I.Q.
You have to call the police more than once a week to remove your drunk mother-in-law from your front lawn.
None of your zippers have all their teeth.
You've ever used scissors on food.
You can't go to church this year because your Sunday socks are being used as the truck's gas cap.
Your tackle box contains dynamite and blasting caps.
You have the policeman hold your beer while you get your license.
A tornado goes through your trailer's yard and makes it look neater.
You think "Meals on Wheels" is another name for roadkill.
The number of times you've seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
After the divorce you still call your Ex "Cuz".
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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8th April 2003, 09:02 AM
| | AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace
62
| | Join Date: 21st March 2003 Location: In Christ
Posts: 9,450
Blessings: 2,899,496 My Mood
Reps: 9,223,372,036,854,775,808 (power: 9,223,372,036,854,794) | | You Might Be A Redneck If - Clean
You might be a redneck if...(#10)
The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.
In the delivery room, your husband says,"That's worse than skinning a deer!"
You've ever entered yourself in a "Howdy Doody Look-alike" Contest.
Your lips move while reading a stop sign.
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'
__________________ Love In Christ,
Tom
Philippians 2:5-11 KJV Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus: 6 Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: 7 But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: 8 And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. 9 Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name: 10 That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth; 11 And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
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