Please, I seriously need help... Habitual sin...

Ok, for the past 3 years I have been struggling with pornography. My parents always taught me that it was wrong to look at pornography, and I got my own computer for my room 3 years ago.
Since a young age I had this thing called macrophilia, it's when a person is sexually attracted to giant or small things or people. They have fantasies about being shrunken to a few inches. I never really knew much about it. It was casual for a long part of my life, I liked movies like "Honey I shrunk the kids", and I suppose I liked it because it got me aroused, but I didn't know what it meant to get an erection... I was really getting into it around 7th grade, looking for movies or some websites, I would delete my history on the internet, I guess because perhaps I found the subject weird and didn't want my parents to know..
I lived a pretty sheltered life, I didn't know a lot about sex, or homosexuality, or stuff like that at that age. When I got my own internet in my room I looked up more stuff on it, eventually finding a site that had pornographic pictures, but it was of men, and I thought that it was ok as long as I'm not looking at women. Or maybe I was just attracted to the men and not the woman, for some reason I still didn't know a lot about sex...
I guess I learned pretty quickly after I got the internet, I looked up the info I was too afraid to ask my parents, it was just in time to let me know what masturbation is, and to this day I have never masturbated. But I have a strong addiction to the macrophillic images, sometimes looking at pictures of nude men from low angles, or imagining them as giants.
Yeah, this is the point where I really, REALLY hate life.
I have absolutely no idea what I am doing, I try not to think about it, I try not to look, but I guess I am addicted to it... and the one thing that really confuses me is that I DON'T WANT TO. I can be looking at these pictures or reading stories, and all that I can think of is
"Why am I doing this? I shouldn't be doing this! God, help me, don't let me do this! Why am I so pathetic? Why can't I stop? I'm sorry..."
It's the most irrational blend of sexual gratification and self-loathing to ever be spoken of in confession. I think I have thourougly confused by confessor, who is convinced that 1) What I am doing is out of curiosity and 2) I was sexually abused as I child. I go to confession at least twice a week for this. They would be a lot better if I didn't have to spend 5 minutes trying to convince him that I was never sexually abused. I guess some of it could be curiosity, the itch of wondering if a new video or story or picture was posted on a certain website that deals in this kind of stuff. He says that it isn't mortal, because I don't want to look at this, and that I'm just curious. But, I can never stop asking myself, what if he's wrong? Or just too liberal? The Church says that pornography is a mortal sin. But it also says that "1735 Imputability and responsibility for an action can be diminished or even nullified by ignorance, inadvertence, duress, fear, habit, inordinate attachments, and other psychological or social factors." (I haven't looked at this quote in awhile, and seeing psychological factors does seem to prove his point...)
I was never sexually abused as a child. Since 5th grade I was NOT the most popular kid in the school, and was often teased. I made few friends. I guess the majority of the fantasy was of me being shrunken to a few inches for some reason, and then being found and protected by someone older and stronger than I was.
After putting that in writing, the self-loathing thing REALLY starts...
I HATE that image, I have always imagined myself as the Video game cliched self-dependant loner type. Even thinking about me thinking about something so pathetic is repulsive...
I guess this is really hurting my self-confidence too, I want so much to talk to some girls I like, but I'm too nervous, and how can I even think of getting into a relationship while I'm doing something like that?
I'm just too confused about this. I only know one thing. I HATE THIS with all my heart, I desire only God in my life, and I hate anything that comes between us.
... so why can't I stop?
Is this a mortal sin?

I struggle with this sin too. Pornography and impurity, that is.

Because of your age (and sex drive at that age), and the fact that it's habitual, I don't think you're in mortal sin. The important thing is to confess regularly. I try to go weekly, and my priest constantly reminds me that sometimes we slip and fall, but God is there to pick us back up again, and will always forgive us. Saints are sinners who keep trying.

My prayers are with you, brother.

I hear your pain. Thanks for being so open to everyone. I will be praying for you. i understand all about habitual sin, i dont have the same one as you, but i do have some habitual sin in my life and feel the same exact way you do ..like i hate it and i dont want to do it..yet i keep doing it over and over! So much of what you said in your post sounds like me. i feel and think the same things about my habitual sin and my lack of being able to do much about it. My best advice is to pray, go to confession regularly, ACCEPT God's forgiveness, stop continually beating yourself up about it. Let Go and Let God. I think that sometimes we concentrate so much on something..we end up doing it even more..even though its the last thing we WANT to do. I'm sure others here will have better advice than i can give! HUGGS! I understand!

karen

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Begin fasting. Talk with your priest about what to fast from and how many days each week so that you can slowly build up your "strength" and thus your ability to say "No!" to your impulses.

You are trying to to do the equivalent of attempting to lift 500Kg weight without having done any weight training prior to the competition.

You need to begin doing spiritual exercise which will in turn give you the strength to resist the impulses of the flesh.

Talk to your priest about it.

John

First -
The sin you are battling is a particularly difficult one for males. It takes the natural drives, urges, and hungers that men have and perverts them. That's what makes it so hard to fight - it is using our God-given gifts of sexuality to entrap us.
I would recommend a book for you entitled "Every Young Man's Battle." It is Christian, but not Catholic, so someone here might know a good book for Catholic teens. Also go take a look at the True Knights website.
I know from experience that simply accepting God's forgiveness can be an extremely difficult thing, especially if you feel filthy and unworthy. Trust me, I know that feeling.

Second -
Many, many people have unwelcome sexual thoughts. People imagine doing things which disgust them. It's normal for the thoughts to happen because our enemy in this struggle uses our natural gifts from God but twists them and perverts them.
The biggest piece of advice I can give you is not to make the fantasies your identity. You're not a ________-ist (or whatever); you're a young man who is experiencing some troubling thoughts which have extra power due to their being tied into your sexual drive.
I wish that at age 17, I had your desire for purity. For this reason, you are in better shape than many - don't give up. It is clear that you have a functioning conscience; don't give up on that. Porn addictions kill marriages and other family relationships, it kills your sense of self-worth, and it can kill you spiritually by making you believe that you are unworthy of God's grace. NEVER turn from God. He knows your heart and hasn't stopped loving you. Only He can save you from this. The enemy knows this, which is why he turns you away from God by making you feel too ashamed even to pray sometimes.

Some great advice has been given you in this thread (see prodromos especially), even if you don't think so. Keep an active prayer life. Even if it means confessing the same sins every day. Don't give up your prayer life - it is your lifeline to the only source of life there is. Don't stop talking to the Lord. Don't stop.

Don't give up on yourself and don't give up on Christ's love for you. He knows what you do, and he also knows your heart - let him strengthen the part of you that hates these thoughts.

One of my favourite sayings is that The Church is not a museum for saints; it is a hospital for sinners. We are all sinners, brother.
Keep praying and asking God for the grace to strengthen you in this fight.

In Christ,
Matthew

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