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  #1  
Unread 9th September 2006, 08:54 PM
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I Can't Repent

I can't. My heart is unrepentant, unwilling to let go of sins that are committed. I pray to God, I ask for His forgiveness, but sorrow is upon my heart. And, why, I should wonder if my prayers are of the Spirit or of the flesh. How callous, how hardened, how unwilling I am to turn away from my sins. I lust in my heart, I cause my lips to become unclean when I am angry, and I become angry with people, saying, "I hate my life, and everything in it!" The fear of hell would not cause me to turn, but to turn secretly, because I would still desire my sins, but I would only make of myself a righteous semblance like that of the Pharisees, wanting to look pious before men, but knowing in my heart that I am uncircumcized. But I know of God's grace, yet I cannot obtain it, because I am want. I care not for my life, and I would live my life in the desert, if that were possible. I would be able to escape the trappings of worldly things.

My conscience is against me. I used to read the Word of God daily, but what has happened to me? I know that prayer, readings the Scriptures, attending church, and the like, will not have one enter heaven, but only the grace of God. Yet, it is God, not I, who chooses. I could say in my heart, "I am born again," yet I cannot say that, because I know that this is of the flesh. I could only say this if I ever felt the power of God overcome me, that I would be willing to go and preach the Gospel! But, even the Scriptures state that in the last days, people will take the form of godliness, but be without God's power. If I went to preach the good news, who would preach it to me? I do not know if I am born from above. I await for God to do something awesome to me, I remain passive. But, I will only be passive, concerning the act of regeneration, unless the Holy Spirit redeems my soul and fills my heart with an overflowing power of love towards God and man, and to deny the sinfulness in my own hardened heart.

Oh, how I was so secure in the past, so thoughtful and confident that I was born again, simply because I prayed some "Sinner's Prayer," yet, when I came across these doctrines that I so readily confess, I was lacking something in my heart. I sought to find a way to be born again, but I knew that I could not, not by my own will. I even confessed this beautiful doctrine to people at my church, even to my mom and my sister. "Theologians have been debating on this for centuries!" - said my pastor. He even said in church, "God does not predestine some to heaven, others to hell." And then my sister claimed, "You sound like you're in a cult," and from my own mom, "I want you to stop reading whatever it is that you're reading, or else I'll take away the Internet from you." And so, what I thought would be wonderful to teach to people that I knew, I was shunned away. But even so, I shun myself, because though I love these doctrines, I kind of do not like them. But, to love them, that is of the Spirit, but what I do not like, that comes from the flesh.

But, what am I, but a man? How I wish the day that I was born was blotted out. I loathe my very self, because I know that I am a sinner. And again, I await for the power of God, the grace of God to be granted to me, to be given to me, yet I will never feel satisified, unless I am born again. I know that the wicked can know the ways of righteousness, and even act upon them as though he were living a godly, pious life. Yet, I know that one must have great discretion to understand and to know, and to examine one's own life to see if what he does is false, or if what he does is not of God. But, you might ask, Why is this person saying all of this? Because, my heart goes out, and I cannot help but speak about this. It's been in my heart for so long. Why, I have become depressed, knowing that God loves sinners, but I asked God one night, "Do I love You?" I ask for prayer, pray to God! Pray that He will redeem my soul. I need it, I know.

God commands that we repent and believe, yet I am like a man who squandered all of his money on something, and he cannot repay. I am want, I lack everything, apart from God. But, I cannot repent, because my heart is unwilling. I know that I should live a godly life, but again, I do not want to have some semblance of righteousness. I want to be godly, I want to be righteous, but only if it comes from the fountain of my heart, if it only comes from the grace of God. Pray for me, someone! Pray for me, anyone! But, pray to God about me for what? So that I may repent and believe! But, do not say these words. Instead, use whatever words that it is from your heart, that if you weep of my poor soul. How my self-righteousness goes against me! How my pride has filled my heart! What a wretched sinner I am.
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God is deemed omnipotent, not because he can act though he may cease or be idle, or because by a general instinct he continues the order of nature previously appointed; but because, governing heaven and earth by his providence, he so overrules all things that nothing happens without his counsel. For when it is said in the Psalms, "He has done whatsoever he has pleased," the thing meant is his sure and deliberate purpose. -Institutes i, xvi, iii
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  #2  
Unread 9th September 2006, 10:25 PM
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Oh, how I was so secure in the past, so thoughtful and confident that I was born again, simply because I prayed some "Sinner's Prayer," yet, when I came across these doctrines that I so readily confess, I was lacking something in my heart. I sought to find a way to be born again, but I knew that I could not, not by my own will. I even confessed this beautiful doctrine to people at my church, even to my mom and my sister. "Theologians have been debating on this for centuries!" - said my pastor. He even said in church, "God does not predestine some to heaven, others to hell." And then my sister claimed, "You sound like you're in a cult," and from my own mom, "I want you to stop reading whatever it is that you're reading, or else I'll take away the Internet from you." And so, what I thought would be wonderful to teach to people that I knew, I was shunned away. But even so, I shun myself, because though I love these doctrines, I kind of do not like them. But, to love them, that is of the Spirit, but what I do not like, that comes from the flesh.
Calvinism isn't a cult. It is very much a part of Christianity. I don't agree with Calvanism. I think there is error in it. But then too.. there is some degree of error in every segment and denomination of orthodox Christianity. That doesn't make the theology sinful... or that of a cult.

As long as Christian denominations agree with the basics of the apostle creeds.. it is still orthodox Chrisianity.

As far as 'repenting'...
You sound as if your heart has already repented. I'm not sure what of.. but of something.

You're very young. There are some things that may take a bit of growth and time for you to come into the knowledge and wisdom of those things. And even sometimes for deliverance.

One thing for sure.. if you feel you're being convicted, (and it sure sounds like you are to me).. regardless of how intense it is, you can be sure you still belong to the Lord.

The Lord convicts His people of error and sin. He does that because He loves them. Ride it out. Keep in contact with the Lord. Keep your heart open for correction. Even though you're admittedly stubborn about it. The Lord even knows about your stubbornness.

As you've already acknowledged.. there isn't anything we can hide from Him.
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  #3  
Unread 10th September 2006, 10:18 AM
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Read Psalm 51 and pray it aloud to God. It is a prayer that David wrote when he was confronted about his sin with Bathsheba. He had committed adultery with her, while king, and then had her husband killed to hide her pregnancy by him. Psalm 51 is a prayer for repentance. Read it aloud everyday for a month. Ask God to change your heart while you read it.
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Seek always to do some good, somewhere. Every man has to seek in his own way to realize his true worth. You must give some time to your fellow man. For remember, you don't live in a world all your own. Your brothers are here too.
Albert Schweitzer
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  #4  
Unread 10th September 2006, 10:12 PM
Simul Iustus et Peccator

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Originally Posted by madison1101 View Post
Read Psalm 51 and pray it aloud to God. It is a prayer that David wrote when he was confronted about his sin with Bathsheba. He had committed adultery with her, while king, and then had her husband killed to hide her pregnancy by him. Psalm 51 is a prayer for repentance. Read it aloud everyday for a month. Ask God to change your heart while you read it.
Psalm 51 has always been the greatest psalm to me. It would always bring reassurance to me, knowing that if David had committed adultery with Bathsheba, how much more if I have done so in my heart! I even have wanted to, and kind of cited each word that King David said. "Do not take away from me Your Holy Spirit," I once said, and again, "Give me a pure heart and a steadfast spirit, and teach me Your ways so that I may obey and teach sinners!" I thank those who have kindly responded to me, and have encouraged me.

One of the main reasons why I feel like I cannot repent is because I am afraid to do what is good, if it is not from the heart, and I do not know if it is from the heart. And if it's not from the heart, then it's all vain. I wonder often if my heart has been made new, and I know that Christians struggle. What Christian can say, "I have never struggled! Life for me has been pleasant"? But, only could he boast this, if it was from the Lord. Yet, I know that those who are in Christ will struggle. The servant is not greater than his Master, and if his Master went through trials, all the more for His servants! Yet, I know that we suffer for the sake of Christ. May I be reconciled!
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God is deemed omnipotent, not because he can act though he may cease or be idle, or because by a general instinct he continues the order of nature previously appointed; but because, governing heaven and earth by his providence, he so overrules all things that nothing happens without his counsel. For when it is said in the Psalms, "He has done whatsoever he has pleased," the thing meant is his sure and deliberate purpose. -Institutes i, xvi, iii
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  #5  
Unread 11th September 2006, 02:35 PM
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My conscience is against me.
You hit the nail on the head--so as a man think...Now YEAH for you, you have identified the problem, now all we have to do is change your thinking.

Start with Affirmations--say them (even if you don't feel them in your heart)

Use scripture--work the word and it will work for you.

Repeat after me:
Whosoever meaneth me.

I am blessed and highly favored.

Just for today, I will show kindness, I will do a random act of kindess in secret, if it is found out it will not count, I will do another.

My Father is a King.

I am blessed going in and coming out.

I am a new creature.

I will plant a seed of forgiveness and watch it grow, I will start with myself.

I will find positive people to spend time with.

I am grateful I can read and will not forgo that gift.

Try that for 14 days and then add 3 things to be thankful for.

Humor me, please--I have blessed you with 500 blessings, please pick 3 people and bless them asking them to do the same. See you soon!
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  #6  
Unread 12th September 2006, 05:06 AM
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Originally Posted by madison1101 View Post
Read Psalm 51 and pray it aloud to God. It is a prayer that David wrote when he was confronted about his sin with Bathsheba. He had committed adultery with her, while king, and then had her husband killed to hide her pregnancy by him. Psalm 51 is a prayer for repentance. Read it aloud everyday for a month. Ask God to change your heart while you read it.
I need to hear that myself also. Thanks.
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  #7  
Unread 14th September 2006, 01:13 AM
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iI AM PRAYING FOR YOU . GOD LOVES YOU
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GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE; COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN HALLELUJAH !!!!
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  #8  
Unread 14th September 2006, 01:15 AM
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I'd offer help, but i'm there too.

feel free to pm me, we might be able to figure something out.

-hallee
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Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver
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"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."
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  #9  
Unread 15th September 2006, 11:52 AM
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Who says you can't repent? Who says your not willing? What causes your sorrow and weeping? Why must your heart be filled with pain? What causes your mind to be heavied with negative and burrdon?

Are you strong enough to go through the process of God's grace in your life? Do You KNOW that God gave you a free Choise? Are you ready to walk the path with God and leave you sins behind?

I beleive you are and so does God..... Can you see the God is confident in "YOU"? And are you confident with yourself to just trust in Him?

All God wants you to do is trust in Him cause he knows YOU and where your heart is and He's just waiting for Your everyday submission to Him.

God's not afaid He's confident and since Jesus died for "YOU" He has suffered More than anyone can imagine, then He's right there with you.

You must make the decision yourself and be willing to open your heart to the LORD.

We will all pray for you but "YOU" must find it in yoursefl to Folow Him no matter what.

And remember this: You actually have control over your own thoughts.

Be still and spend time with God. And Hey, if you don't have time durring the day to sit down and be with God Then do what I had to do.... Talk to God all day just like a Friend. Cause He's allways with you so why not talk to him all day.

And trust me that hepls to build a Huge close relationship with Him.

So, God bless You and I hope you'll be stong in every area of your Faith with God.

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  #10  
Unread 17th September 2006, 07:51 PM
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Hope against hope

You have great faith and it is well examined. Martin Luther had many of the same concerns you express. I too have scrupulosity, a form of obsessive compulsive disorder, that often leaves me feeling unforgiven and outside of God's grace as well.

I have found 2 passages to be helpful:

1. 1 John 3:20: For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart and knoweth all things.

2. Ephesians 1:13-14: In whom you also trusted, after that ye heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation: in whom also after that ye believed, ye were SEALED WITH THAT HOLY SPIRIT OF PROMISE. 14. WHICH IS THE EARNEST OF OUR INHERITANCE UNTIL THE REDEMPTION OF THE PURCHASED POSSESSION, UNTO THE PRAISE OF HIS GLORY.

Even though I often do not feel "SEALED" it's God's promise. Who else can we trust, especially when we don't trust ourselves?

I will have to read Psalm 51 myself. Thanks all!
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