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  #1  
Old 4th June 2006, 07:47 AM
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Insecurity and the ex wife - Question for the remarried women here.

Hello, I am new here. I actually have been reading the forums here for quite awhile, but finally joined

Anyway, I have a question to the women here. Are you ever insecure about your husband's ex? Maybe it's stupid, but it always seems to be in the back of my head to the point where I'm almost obsessed with it.

She's younger and thinner than me, so already I feel bad about that. Plus she's the mother of his children. Since my husband and I are not having children together, this is a huge bond they share that he and I never will. Also she was the first (and only, until we got married) woman my husbad was with sexually, and I can't stand the thought of that. Of someone else being with him.

I just can't help always comparing myself to her and I know it's driving my wonderful husband bonkers. He adores me and has never done or said anything to make me feel less than incredible.

The ex cheated on him while they were married, asked for a divorce and would not go to counseling with him. She consequently ended up shacking up and a year later marrying the guy she had the affair with. So, in addition to feeling insecure and almost jealous of her, I will always hate her for tearing that family apart and hurting my husband the way she did. I have horrible thoughts about wanting to cause her grief - and I know this is wrong. I just hate the woman so much, I can't stand to have to see her. I just want to smack her sometimes. Of course I never would. I'm just being as honest as possible here and hope it's met with understanding. I want to add that I never act out on this, and I never speak ill of her to the kids - EVER.

They were married for 12 years, and that is a lot of history, we have only been married less than a year.

I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he is so in love with me, he's such a great man. It's just been hard dealing with it. The marriage is great, the kids are wonderful, and in every other respect, things are fine.

I have seen how some posts are flamed, so I am prepared that my honesty may draw fire from some people here. However, if any of you have ever (or currently) have had similar thoughts, please post. I'd appreciate not feeling so alone.
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  #2  
Old 4th June 2006, 08:14 PM
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I'm not insecure about my husband's ex at all. She did the same thing to my ex-husband that your husband's ex did to him. I don't like having to see her either. I know my husband loves me more than he did her because I treat him so much better than she did. They were married for 23 years, so there is a lot of history with them, but it's mostly bad. She mistreated him, and degraded him to the point that he almost felt non-existant. That's what makes me so angry with her. She treated him like dirt.

I know it's hard to deal with, but you've got him now. She had her chance to be the wife she should be and she let him go. Try not to let her get to you. Enjoy being his wife and try not to worry about it.
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Old 5th June 2006, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Godisgr8r
She did the same thing to my ex-husband that your husband's ex did to him. I don't like having to see her either. I know my husband loves me more than he did her because I treat him so much better than she did. They were married for 23 years, so there is a lot of history with them, but it's mostly bad. She mistreated him, and degraded him to the point that he almost felt non-existant. That's what makes me so angry with her. She treated him like dirt.
Wow, that's EXACTLY what happened to my husband. It's hard for me to believe that women can treat men so badly. Especially good men! They are hard to find, when you get one you should be thankful and be the best wife you can be!

Thanks for your reply.
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Old 5th June 2006, 04:09 PM
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I think it's only normal for you to feel the way you do.
I was very jealous of my husbands first wife for years.
They were also married for 12 years.
Right now we have been married for over 15 years, and I still get jealous of her every now and than.
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Old 8th June 2006, 06:27 AM
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Yes, I can relate to what you are saying. My husband has been married 3 times before, and I know his most recent ex was a young Meg Ryan lookalike. Sometimes when we fight or he doesn't want to make love, I wonder if it's because I don't look like her.

However, she also slept around when they were married and was so horrible to him. I know he is sincere and would choose my sincerity anyday over her looks.

I do get insecure sometimes, but I know in my heart of hearts it's unfounded.
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Old 9th June 2006, 12:11 PM
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My DH and I were married just June 3rd ... but I have been dealing with his ex the entire time we were dating.

I have similar jealousy issues ... however ... my husband's ex is NOT cuter than I ... nor did he ever love her as much as me. The jealousy is mainly because she had the times with Hunter (his 6 year old) that I feel that I missed. She got to have that time with both Hunter and my husband during his infancy that I am seriously envious of. We have full custody of HER son because she's a negligent mother ... and I often feel like she doesn't DESERVE to be a part of his life. However, Hunter deserves to be a part of HER life.

She also cheated and shacked up with several different guys until she recently got remarried. So there's no fear of DH wanting back what he lost. The reality is that what he went thru with his ex makes our marriage more difficult. He is always wary and he always feels guilty for actually having to divorce her. for that I resent her and it makes it difficult to face her sometimes.

God is helping us through all of this and with our love for one another ... I am learning to tolerate her presence.
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Old 11th June 2006, 04:18 PM
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I have my jealous moments too. My husband's ex is VERY different from me. She is older, has a different set of morals, and has a personality very unlike mine. Still, since hubby and she have a 14 year old daughter and a history together, they still have to talk and stuff. Sometimes when he talks about stuff they used to do together, and sexual experiences they had, I fight the green-eyed monster. But, my hubby loves me and constantly tells me how much batter at everything I am. That makes me feel better. I don't even care if it is true or not!
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Old 12th June 2006, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by benotte
Hello, I am new here. I actually have been reading the forums here for quite awhile, but finally joined

Anyway, I have a question to the women here. Are you ever insecure about your husband's ex? Maybe it's stupid, but it always seems to be in the back of my head to the point where I'm almost obsessed with it.

She's younger and thinner than me, so already I feel bad about that. Plus she's the mother of his children. Since my husband and I are not having children together, this is a huge bond they share that he and I never will. Also she was the first (and only, until we got married) woman my husbad was with sexually, and I can't stand the thought of that. Of someone else being with him.

I just can't help always comparing myself to her and I know it's driving my wonderful husband bonkers. He adores me and has never done or said anything to make me feel less than incredible.

The ex cheated on him while they were married, asked for a divorce and would not go to counseling with him. She consequently ended up shacking up and a year later marrying the guy she had the affair with. So, in addition to feeling insecure and almost jealous of her, I will always hate her for tearing that family apart and hurting my husband the way she did. I have horrible thoughts about wanting to cause her grief - and I know this is wrong. I just hate the woman so much, I can't stand to have to see her. I just want to smack her sometimes. Of course I never would. I'm just being as honest as possible here and hope it's met with understanding. I want to add that I never act out on this, and I never speak ill of her to the kids - EVER.

They were married for 12 years, and that is a lot of history, we have only been married less than a year.

I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he is so in love with me, he's such a great man. It's just been hard dealing with it. The marriage is great, the kids are wonderful, and in every other respect, things are fine.

I have seen how some posts are flamed, so I am prepared that my honesty may draw fire from some people here. However, if any of you have ever (or currently) have had similar thoughts, please post. I'd appreciate not feeling so alone.
My husband and I have been married several years and you sound EXACTLY like me. My husband's ex was also his "first," they have a child together (and we don't want children at all), they were married several years, she was rotten... I don't struggle with this as much as I used to but I do still struggle with it. I hate her so much if I think about it, it eats me up inside.

I'm actually working on getting rid of these bitter feelings right now so that they don't destroy me. The few times I think about her I immediately turn the thoughts over to the Lord and start quoting scripture. It's tough. Hopefully someone will have some good advice for you.
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  #9  
Old 21st June 2006, 02:47 PM
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my current boyfriend was married and still is married, she walked out on him after 1 month of marriage with another man.

she is now demanding money from him - he believs that god did not join them, but they joined themselves and sh only marries him for money, it certainly seems that way.

she is the only person he has been sexual with and at first it did make me very nervous as im still a virgin and waiting for the big day!
:-)

but iv come to acept that she was a mistake that he made, and he has been forgiven of that mistake, and move on.

your husband has obviously moved on - he is with you!
he loves you, the children are not the bond between the parents of they no longer love each other, its jsut an agreement to keep the peace in front of their children.to stay civil.

its hard not to compare i know, the parents at the moment have only jsut met me and are alreadt comparing me to his x wife!!!
but that is why we have both got to be strong in who we are in christ and not let the devil make us doubt ourselves and our relationships.
me with my boyfriend and you with your husband
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  #10  
Old 26th July 2006, 07:47 AM
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My husband's first wife left him in a scenario much like that described by the first poster. (Except she is still looking for someone to marry her.)

I was at first, because they had children together.

Now we have children of our own and that doesn't bother me so much.

There's really nothing for me to be jealous of. She doesn't have any obvious "advantage" over me in the looks, brains, money, etc. departments.

She also has what another poster so charitably described as "a different set of morals," so while I get angry about what she does sometimes, I don't believe that she's someone my husband admires and that doesn't stick in my craw.
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