The path of understanding

I just wanted to share the kinds of thins that are going through my head lately. You can consider this as a follow up to my earlier thread on being a heretic, or you can join in and put some of what you have been experiencing and learning recently.

Well, it's been some time now that I have been labeling myself an Agnostic Christian. When I tell other people that I'm agnostic (christian) people usually want to know if I'm doubting chrisitanity, or what my bugging questions are. Now even though I keep a rigorous writen thought diary and make an effort to put every thing in words, I usually find myself at a loss for words. Last Sunday I answered that if I had clear cut easy to ask questions, then I would easily get an answer. But that it goes beyond articulate questions. Today, talking to an 'almost christian', I said that it's not that I doubt the truth of chrisitianity, it's that I find it so multi dimentional, so complex, and the interlincking so difficult. Again, I was at a loss for words, (a rare thing for me) and all I could do was try speak parables.

So coming home tonight, I just noticed a parable to explain this:
I do ballet. When I started ballet, I thought that what was most essential to ballet technique (what defines the way you move) is that you have your feet pointing out, and you try to be sexy. As I continued learning ballet, I discovered that what was essential to the form was that you have your legs turned out. If you have your legs turned out, then your feet as a result naturally turn out. And then as I continued doing ballet, I realized that what really is essential and at the heart of ballet, that which is decisive for deciding if you 'have technique' or not, is if you retroverse your pelvis and turn those knobs on your hip bones out. The result is that your legs are naturally turned out, and therefore your feet are naturally turned out. I am still working out the application of this new system. But who knows what really is the heart of ballet techinique? How many more times will I be changing my mind?

Well, in the same way, christianity is like that. When you first become a christian, you are so happy that Yeshua saved you from your sins. Then after a while, you realize that faith without works is dead. You realize that to have works, you need a change of heart, and to abide in Him. I don't know what one realizes after that. But I am sure that there are many layers yet to be uncovered, many new ways that Christianity can be understood. All of what you thought before, still remains true, yet you understand it differently.

Well, I have to admit, this is about the most positive thing I can say. Because the truth is that I spend my days suspended between intense inarticulate questionning, (and fighting my way to allow myself to ask questions, even stuped ones,) and a sort of down to earth desire to take things logically and simply: Bear fruit, and meditate on Yeshua.

I have been reading a lot of oppinions testamonies and reflections by knowlegeable people. Yet their knowelge always seems to be finite, fall short. This is normal. And I guess, I desire to know as much as I can, in the hopes to process as much as I can, understand it, and find that which surpasses knowlege and wisdom. (Sorry, that is poetry, not anything you can understand something logically from)

I guess I seek to be aware, and consious, ans much as possible. And every day seems to be like finding out how what I thought to be true and 'the way it works' the day before isn't quite like that. I might find that the parable I gave above is more temporary than what I think.

I am in an uncomfortable place, one which I know many of you have been in: I want clear guidance and structure. Yet that seems to work differently than the way I thought it did in the past. It's also an exciting place to be. Each day I feel both happy to learn new things and upset, fighting learning new things because it makes me more agnostic than ever. (It's a painfull process)

In Jewish Kabala, I remember hearing of a place called a "pardess" (it's an abreviation for something) but it also sounds like it means an orchard or a paradise. And it is said that those who venture in get lost in it. That's what it feels like, when I stop allowing fear to get in my way of my searchings.

Funny enough, the people to whom I tell that I am an Agnostic Christian, ask me about the agnostisism aspect. Simply put: I don't trust in my ability to know and understand whith my finite mind. But they usually forget to ask why I still consider myself a Christian. I have met Agnostic Christains who aswer this very well. I can answer this too, if I need to. But the truth is I don't know any more. I see the bread broken by the priest. I love this ritual: "Take, eat, this is my body broken for you". And the priest opens his arms out wide, like Yeshua did, like an offering. After the priest blesses the wine, he stops acting Yeshua's part and administers the eucharist to himself. He, like us, needs it too. Then he takes the bread and the wine and serves it to people. Wow. What a ritual. I'd love to be the priest who does it,and I could do this ritual every single day. It's so magical. Yet to tell you the truth, I don't understand it anymore.

And so, it seems that a larger aspect of me becomes day by day more Agnostic, and at the same time, another aspect of me becomes more into the symbols and parables and new ways of understanding things. I am still trying to figure out why I am a Christian, what makes me one, and in the face of the many facettes, what use there is in calling myself anything in the first place.

This isn't a comfortable place to be, I would like to see if there are other existing systems that are more functional... more positive, and just as true... here I go again.

Well, if this post didn't make sense, that's fine. I'm having a hard time puting words to things.

Thanks Saint for your post. Indeed, you are right: there is a joy in being a seeker.

In some bible study that I saw recently, it gave categories on what "stage" you are. It gave a thing for "seeker" that was under a person who was about to accept the gospel, which was under a person who accepted the gospel, which was under a person who was a mature christian. Well, it's utter ridiculousness. How much more sense does it make to be a long-time christian and (still) a seeker!

It's funny that the term Christianity is so crucial to my identity. Yesterday I convinced myself that I was still a christian because:

There is the Light. If you can accept The Light and walk in His paths, that is great. If you can grasp and accept the Light, which is the way the truth and the life, without knowing about his physical incarnation, then that is great. But if "The Light" is too abstract a thing, then The Light incarnated himself as Yeshua. I believe that the concept of "The Light" preceeds his reincarnation as Yeshua. But I am not able to think in such abstract terms, so I follow his incarnated physical self is a sort of way to understand it and grasp it. I now think, (Wow, my ways of viewing the same thing change all the time) that everything that Yeshua did physically on earth is just as true before he actually did it. And it's just as true, when somebody decides to "consider it true myth".

Any way, if it sounds crazy or illogical, or stuped or useless -- I have made progress since my post on being a heretic: I don't care (that much).

...I would like to see if there are other existing systems that are more functional... more positive, and just as true...

…I wonder sometimes if different religions are understanding different legitimate true "systems". Or if Yeshua came to show us the system, or a tangible system, or a couple systems that are functional. Who knows? Just a thought.

Well, in the same way, christianity is like that. When you first become a christian, you are so happy that Yeshua saved you from your sins.