Have you heard...?

Church Signs #5

1. How will you spend eternity -- Smoking or Non-smoking?

2. Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives.

3. It is unlikely there will be a reduction in the wages of sin.

4. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

5. If you don't like the way you were born, try being born-again.

6. Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.

7. This is a ch__ch. What is missing? U R.

8. Forbidden fruit creates many jams.

9. In the dark? Follow the Son.

10. Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up.

11. If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to The Shepherd.

12. Avoiding the Son can be hazardous to your health.

Notes From God

1. Let's meet at My House Sunday before the game. - God

2. Come on over and bring the kids. - God

3. What part of "Thou shalt not..." didn't you understand? - God

4. We need to talk. - God

5. Keep using My Name in vain and I'll make rush hour longer! - God

6. Loved the wedding; invite Me to the marriage. - God

7. That "Love your neighbor" thing, I meant it. - God

8. I love you...I love you...I love you... - God

9. Will the road you're on get you to My Place? - God

10. Follow me. - God

11. Bing bang theory? You've got to be kidding. - God

12. My Way is the highway. - God

13. Need directions? - God

14. You think it's hot here? - God

15. Tell the kids I love them. - God

16. Need a marriage counselor? I'm available. - God

17 Have you read My #1 Best Seller? There will be a test! - God

Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

A: Only God knows the eggs-act (exact) answer.

Nietzche

A poster read: "God is dead!" - Nietzsche.

The graffiti underneath it read: "Nietzsche is dead!" - God.

Q: What do they call preachers/ministers/evangelists in Germany?

A: German shepherds.

My Dad's Better Than Your Dad

Three boys on the playground were bragging about their fathers. One said, "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks ($50)."

"Oh, yeah?" the second boy responded. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks ($100)."

"That's nothin'," said the third boy. "My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six men to collect all the money!"

Bible Confusion

Kaylee, a little girl, was sitting with her grandmother, who had presented her with her first little children's Bible, in an easy-to-read translation, when she was very young.

Now, a decade or so later, the elderly lady was ready to spend a few sweet moments handing down the big old family Bible, in the time-honored King James Version, to her only grandchild.

Understandly excited, the youngster (teenager, that is) was asking a number of questions both about the family members whose births and deaths were recorded therein, and about various aspects of the Scriptures themselves.

Her grandmother was endeavoring to answer all the child's questions in terms she could understand, but the one that stopped her cold was this sincere inquiry:

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? Was it the Virgin Mary or the King James virgin?"

ist is Nietzsche, not Nietzche. The "sch" is pronounced like "sh" in Englisch. BTW, the "tz" ist pronounced like ts.

The joke is rather old, I know other versions, e.g. this one:

A graffiti reads: God is dead! - Nietzsche". A fellow comes and writes under this Graffiti a second slogan: "Nietzsche is dead! - God". A person passing by asks him: "Oh, You must be God!? ". - "No, but I know him!" - "Then can you tell me his name?" - "Of course", the fellows says, "HIs name is Jesus!". - Silence.

That's Morbid...

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown, and say: "That's not it." and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the U.S. Army. The soldier picked it up, smiled, and said "That's it!"