Zeitgeist

It's scary sometimes how accurate my premonitions are. My dreams. I'm a dreamer. I dream about the future, I build castles in the clouds and it's hard for me at times to accept that the reality is a lot different than the dream that I painted it to be. Than I imagined. Sometimes the dreams I have at night are more real than these hopeful imaginings...those premonitions hold more truth than my whimisical planning.

And I have no control over those night dreams, but certain ones will press their thoughts into my spirit...into my mind, fill me with a sense of wonder at it's content. And that's when I usually think...ok it's JUST a dream. For heaven's sake stop thinking about it. And then it'll hit me, the dream in full force, in reality. More than a deja vu.

I am learning to appreciate them as gifts from God. To pray to be able to interpret them with His spirit. For guidance.

But there was a painful dream that I had a year and a half ago...a long while ago at least...very painful. And it came true. And I didn't know it. And now I know...and now I'm rambling. The hidden tragedies and reckonings that determine the twisted course of our lives.

The pain inside is intense, threatening to overwhelm me but I can't let it. The knot in my throat is hard to swallow and keep down. The tears that I've shed are hard to disremember. I want to lash out but I can't. I can't but accept it, if it's Your will God that I go through this...then You need to be here with me. Help me through this. Right now I am protected, in this circle of diamonds. But I am alone in the middle. When I walk out I will need Your help to not look back. To forget the past and not dream a future of pain and missed opportunities.

Is God allowing this horrible destruction to my family because I didn't pray enough? Is this the consequence of not praying for the things I should be?

Dear Lord, I want to be in your perfect will, I want your Holy Spirit, but sometimes I admit I don't want these things like I should want them, but only because you ask me to want them.

Is this my punishment? Not directly aimed at me, but at all the things I hold dear and never thought (foolishly) would really change.

I haven't had the easiest life, but it hasn't been entirely difficult by any means, and now here it is...I feel the greatest test of faith coming on, and I'm falling.

Dear God, if you are going to allow your children to be tested and almost destroyed within the next weeks please please come back in 2007. And preferably on 1-1-07.

Oh Lord, what am I saying...

I can't think, I'm shocked, I can't pray because I will simply cry and cry and will not do any homework, I can't do anything but gaze at this massive dark hole. I could hardly take it before, and now, this tragedy is changing again. It's like a monster with many faces, each face even more terrible than the last.

Damn you Satan. I won't give in to you. I believe in Jesus, I believe in the redeeming power of His blood, I believe that He is enough, I believe that by His stripes we are healed, I believe that He loves me, and always will.

Please God, protect my house, protect my family, protect me, cover us with the blood of the Lamb, forgive me, heal our diseases, forgive us. Please don't turn your face from me. I need you.

y

It is truly amazing...that I can go through such intense periods of loneliness (such as the last post) to such intense periods of (umm trying to find the right word) connectedness, and then back to myself. In balance.

It's crazy that I've glanced at this blog more than 700 times. Honestly crazy. And most of the times I consider it a bit crazy that I even log onto this site, as it has always been strange to me to have 'online' friends. You know? Kind of sad. But whatever, I'm hypocritical to a certain extent.

I really am. When I have the time and the right opportunity to party I do...and at the very moment I enter the club I start dancing. You know...I'm not one of those sitting on the lounge chair types. But when I'm in a worship session...my feet and heart are slow to move. I feel this huge guilt, that I'm not right. That I don't have the attitude and desire to be closer to God that I should have. That my heart is far from His heart. In fact Im TERRIFIED most of the times that the verse in Isaiah about a people who only pay lip service but their hearts are from God is true of ME. So how do I get to that level of honesty and truth, and closeness with God? How do I serve Him with thoughts and actions, with a full heart? How can I do right when it seems there isn't anything that seems really wrong?

I ask God to be fully baptized in His Holy Spirit...but most of the times...I'm scared to recieve it....if I were to be truly honest. I'm scared of what it will do to me.

So my New Year's Resolutions for 2007:

1) Become closer to God. Read the Bible every day and have a devotional time with Him.

2) Become baptized in His Holy Spirit and speak in tongues. Have my heart knit to His Heart.

3) Better understand the gifts that I have (I think this will come with resolution 2 )

4) Stop thinking about not being single. Focus on resolution number one.

5) Be in His perfect and not permissive will for my life.

And then I could throw the regular stuff about losing weight and hitting the gym but I don't care to put things in that I have no intention of really really sticking to.

The fourth resolution came after a truly revealing conversation with a friend that I had about being single. She was interested in hooking me up with a guy, and he was supposed to be in love with Jesus, well versed in the Word of God, and etc. Then she told me that he had amazingly changed after being I think (a convicted) drug user. And I was like...hmm...sounds good...maybe.

And later on I was thinking...wow you have really sunk to a new level. A convicted drug addict. I have prayed my entire life to not be married to a guy who has addiction problems, since I've had a lot of experience with that in my life with other people who are close to me, and know how much hurt that causes. And at the first chance I was actually thinking about meeting someone like that. To be sure, the being in love with Jesus part sounds good, but the other stuff is not something I could get over.

And then I started thinking that I really need to STOP thinking about having someone or whatever, because when it's the right time...I will. Although it's a bitter idea to me, either my parents will find someone appropriate for me...or I will meet him myself. So I should stop diverting my attention on the lack of that. Because one day that void will be filled.

So there you are God...Is that grown up enough for you?
I'm just one girl...trying to do what's right by you.

That's all...

Welcome in the new year...I have a good prescience about the good things to come.

Peace.

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So I was cooking those in the bag skillet dinners, beef and broccoli teriyaki style, and I messed it up. Cooked it on high heat instead of medium so there are lots of burned bits. That's bad. I mean...really bad. Believe it or not...I like to cook. Dang...high in sodium stupid skillet bags. I could of made the exact same meal myself fresh. It would have just taken longer. Ooo that gives me an idea...maybe I will. Easy enough.

So I am home alone for a month...yay...! I'm totally looking forward to fun times. Though to be sure it's Friday night and the only plans I have are church and maybe a movie. But whatever. Tommorow's going to be lots of fun I know it.

Anyway...bored right now. I should really start getting ready for church. And vacuum clean a little.

And about those new year's resolutions...I think I need to push them to February. I haven't even read my Bible for study purposes ever this year. I need to start.

Ok Im out.

I think that should have been the title of this blog. In fact it should also be the title under my user name. This site to me is a guilty pleasure, writing in this blog is akin to luscious chocolate cake.

So let me describe my day to you...had 2 classes in the morning where nothing of note really happened. Except for the fact that the math teacher forgot my name again (and I'm the only person's name she can't seem to remember) and asked me how to pronounce it again. I mean it's been 5 weeks! Am I really that unnoticeable? But I was angry with her today (I've decided to steer clear of the word irritated-except that I just mentioned the word irritated now and there I mentioned it again, so I apologize for both times) and the expression on my face and general countenance probablly showed it. I was surly for about 3 minutes, whence the surliness stopped. I can't keep a bad mood for the life of me when directed at another person. Fickle fickle fickle....is me....I feel a ridiculous urge to rhyme right now. Pickle pickle pickle.

Ok you see then after class I went home and headed straight to bed where I fell into a delicious and resting and just amazing sleep, a deep sleep. Some weird dreams that I will put to the back of my head right now. And then I woke up interrupted by random phone calls and text messages.

Then I had a bit of bad news from a friend about her mother who is going through open heart surgery which I assume is an emergency (are they always emergencies I dont know?). So praying for her. *moment of prayer*

And then my brother came home from school. Then I went to the library which was closed, and now Im bored. Watched tv, checked email and facebook and all that. Now I've nothing to do, and I dont want to re-read anything. I stayed home rather than go out with friends on the pretense that I have actual work to do for school but I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I should. But I need to stretch out the work right now.

Tommorow I need to go to the gym, feeling positively heavy though I ate half as much today as I usually eat, which is still well around the recommended daily caloric intake don't you worry. And I need to wash my clothes. And wash the floors. Sheesh. And clip my dog's nails. And my papers.

And I just signed up for a free dinner event for a school organization which I've just learned is a formal event and so I tried on the dress that I had bought for my birthday and only worn once and found that I must have lost weight because it's very loose. Yay. But of course it still fits and darned if I have to buy a new one. Leaves me enough cash to get the appropriate accessories so thats the bonus if Im not getting a new outfit.

That takes so long anyway though right.

And now if possible I've made myself more bored though hopelessly indulged by this spewing of unnecessary words from the tips of my fingers. I read a phrase yesterday that was absolutely beautiful and I need to go find it. The right words together make beautiful harmony, it's synergetic.

I am addicted to TopChef, and not the least because of the host whom I like a million, no a billion, times better than the old one. And not the least because she is married to Salman Rushdie who's written quite a few books that I adore (as does apparently the rest of the literary world). But it's more than that, she's gracious, and smiling/happy and right on the spot with her judgments, even though she's not what I'd call beautiful she is a stunning woman. I wish I could exude that air of confidence and grace all wrapped in one. A lot of it I speculate lies in her voice, which is really low and sultry. My voice at times is annoying high and air hostess like. My brother told me that I would never get on tv with an audtion of American Idol because my voice is too average and I suppose he's right.

Tommorow I must also go buy food. Whenever I think of my brother I inevitably think of food because he makes me feel guilty that Im not feeding him properly. To be fair (to me) he doesn't appreciate anything I make, even though most of the times the food that I make is really good but there are a few times that I've had disasters and Im afraid that I've been making a few in the kitchen lately. Yesterday I made the most unappetizing chicken curry in the world. I had a spice mix so didn't bother with the coriander and turmeric and all that, just used the mix with garlic and ginger paste and the chicken and salt pepper onions tomatoes and water. It didn't taste as bad as it looked though my brother swears that he is now completely justified in calling my food nasty. I had to agree with him on this chicken curry though.

So my other plans are to redeem myself in the kitchen.

So I've a full day planned for tommorow. Will see how much (if anything at all) gets accomplished. *crosses fingers*

Adieu Adieu (to you and you and you!)

Where would I go though?

I was watching tv and there was some touristy thing about Tucson, AZ and I just slipped into this daydream of life there. I could see it perfectly, the outdoorsiness, the kids, the husband and me taking vacations, the great unstressful work life, the nice good life. Sigh.

And then I snapped back to reality. Hello! I aint white and can't allow myself to slip into their stereotyped good life dreams.

Anyway, so on a weird note, and this is weird to me, I feel like I'm not the only person who is reading my journal anymore, so if it happens to be you (YES YOU!) reading this, just drop a line. I know half of the things I say make no sense, a lot of the times I'm ashamed to read them later, but if you read them I would like to hear from you. Of course the rule of if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all still applies. Just kidding, say what you want. I still get repped for it.

Well if you can't be a terrible person, you can be hurrible warnin' (is that the phrase, dang I prolly screwed that one up).

And my stomach is aching dully from eating 2 bowls heaped with "lowfat" chocolate chip cookie dough icecream for dinner. And my hands still smell like garlic. Maybe that's why I feel sorta funny.

Cleansing rain came today, or is it healing rain. well this rain was more cleansing than healing.

And where would I go really? London, Toronto, Prague, Kuwait, Singapore, Chennai (better remembered as Bombay) all of these places are waiting for me. Do I really want to go?

Maybe so. With the right...sigh...the right...attitude, is that the word? The right conviction.

I was thinking on convictions today. On how I always feel like correcting someone if they happen to say..."if you feel that's the best thing for you go" that's not right all the time. I mean in a weird way, feelings are how I live my life. I go by feelings. But if a person is convinced a hundred percent on one thing, and another is convinced on the opposite, do you tell them both that it's only a matter of conviction? Whatever you believe is right and that's what matters only? Isn't there ever a right?

Sigh. The achiness is fading.

Oh and can you believe I haven't been asking my old question about wiki? Describe this people. What is wiki and why do they call it wiki? What makes something wiki? What a weird word.

If you're wondering how my resolutions are going, well Im wondering how they're starting. I need to pray for the infilling of the Holy Spirit, but dang it I am scared to. She got me so right, my attitude is the thing that's stopping me, I'm afraid to be uncomfortable which I think will probably happen if I do what I'm called to do. I don't want to look back and pine for my comfortable life and cheat God that way. I've had enough of that to last me a while. So is it better to go on without thinking anything of all and pretend that you never had convictions to begin with? The best way to survive and achieve your highest quality of life, according to what I've deciphered from the rules of life is to be concerned with what effects you. Block out the rest.

Perhaps that's why running away seems a good idea at times because there I would forget it all for a while. To escape to an island vacation. Although you only really enjoy the first day when you know there'll be a last one.

I feel kind of gross right now, unkempt, unwashed, etc...all the things that make you want to take a nice long hot shower and get a nice spa treatment done with your hair did. Yes i said hair "did" on purpose.

And wow there are some people whose reactions that I know so well that I can actually know what they're going to say before they say it. I dont even need to hear the words out loud, I know what they're thinking. And maybe vice versa.

Oh wait I had another situation today that I wanted to add in here. Pulitzer Prize winning authors are not interesting. We had the author of the G-D at uni today giving this speech, she was soooo incredibly boring. When she started talking about the anomalies of the semantics of gravity and the changing faces of genomics (without ever looking at her audience and only by reading her ENTIRE SPEECH) and relating it to God and the continuum of religious thought and how it's actually a form of liberation and not chaining her down to anything concrete which in fact..did you know is paradoxical...I wanted to scream REALLY REALLY scream. With all the sound and fury at my disposal. Like you <insert> no one understands what the hell it is you're talking about! Shut up!

On another note, same old annoyances.

On another note entirely, or maybe not entirely another, but someone is leaving the small class that I'm part of for no reason at all except for the longing for a break. This person is all of 19 or 20 years old, what break does she need? I mean come on, we're not even doing clinical work yet. Grow up. But whatever, she always copied other peoples notes anyway despite her high GPA and relative book smartness. And she was also quite annoying at times.

And on another note: Grey's Anatomy episode today was pretty much one big SHUTUP! *gasp* fest the whole night. Can you believe the crap they pull? Two proposals and no answers.

And on another note, I haven't touched my homework, but I've done a bit of housework, which I'm proud of doing. And I want to kill my little brother for not taking out the trash when the garbage collection is coming tommorow. He never does any work. He is, in fact, the laziest person that I know and Im not being mean, in fact I'm worried about him.

But thou hypocrite...can thou not examine the plank in thine own eye first?

Ok so I'm going. To do work. But before that a nice hot shower.

I missed GA today but for a couple of good reasons. I have a major project deadline due tommorow so was working (and am still working) on that. Also my parents came home from more than a month out of town.

It wasn't as joyful as I thought it would be. I heard some things from my mom that really dissapointed me about how my dad acted while on vacation. I think the only thing that surprised me was that I actually was a little surprised. Before they left my dad and siblings were baptized, it was a really happy day for the entire family, a sort of redemption, a sort of deliverance from the past. And I guess, maybe, it's all coming back again. Dear Lord, please not seven times worse

Sin never just affects you, but it also affects the people you love, your family, the people close to you. Remember Achan? He stole from Jericho and not only was he stoned in the time of Joshua on God's orders but his whole family died along with him.

I know that we're not living according to deuteronomic theology here...but maybe there is something to it after all in today's world. In today's Christianity.

Oh Lord I do wish you would come soon.

Yesterday I went to see bellydancers at this really cool place downtown. I was rather scandalized for a couple of minutes at the girls' dancing, and kept on looking away while my face heated up, betraying myself for the extremely sheltered girl I am. But it was still cool. A feast for the eyes as well as the ears. And there was good strong tea. I don't know if I'll get the chance to go again so I'm glad I went yesterday.

And have I gotten it all out?

Oh I don't think the surprise has worn off yet...!

What am I going to do now? My faith is hanging on a moment as it is, even throughout the entire immersion period that happened a while back. Yet I can't betray whatever faith I have left. I have to hope in you Jesus, not because I am strong, not because of anything but the fact that I need you. The hope and love I have in the small revelations that are afforded to me by my small measure of faith gives me the hope to imagine a better future for myself and deliverance for my family. I know that perhaps my present burdens won't ever change in my youth. Perhaps these issues will always be my cross. But I refuse to lose faith completely, not because I am a good person (far from it) but because Your Goodness has followed me all through my life, and I refuse to let myself think that everything was just a series of fortunate coincidences. And that You are satisfied with a widening seperation. I need to believe that You are real, that you care, that you love me (and in effect those whom I love) and that Your words are true. That all plans work according to the good for those who love Him and call upon His name (was the last part something I just added? I know it belongs in your word).

So that is all. Hopefully...