So Im going to keep on asking what 'wiki' means until someone bothers to comment on it. SO What does wiki mean?
I can feel the anxiety returning again...strange. It's a constant battle, a constant mind game with me...I tell ya...other people have real problems: lack of education, prospects for the future, money, friends, family, love, the God connection. I have all of those things yet my mind creates barriers for me.
Forgiveness...when can I begin to forgive? At a point I think I have, and then I will grind my teeth again, a comment will come out of my mouth that hours later I will still be in a state of regret for it...sometimes the words in my head haunt me. My lack of effort, propensity for overindulgence in my emotions, my laziness...is something that still...gets to me although Ive stopped those negative aspects of me from overwhelming. But at times it returns: my easy distraction, my careless abandonment, my divided mind.
Not to sound so down on myself. Most of the times I think Im pretty great, if not the best, if not the brightest...but not bad, even better than simply good, but maybe a little defensive, no where near the person Ive always wanted to be, the person I could be. Maybe Ive created that in myself.
There is some ill feeling in me right now, some evil eye. How superstitious. Forgive me. This means that Im sorry. That I'd like to change, and be the non abstract thinker or feeler for a time.
I lied earlier; I haven't been spending as much time in the Word as I could be. Ive completely given up on it in fact, even on the bible study I was launched in online through a cf group here. I lose track sometimes, bc Im so involved with things, and tho the mentality that Im about to describe doesn't come natural to me, it's the one that has turned into a default. Take care of yourself, bc no one else will.
and to clarify I read the Bible, a few words, everyday, but don't study it like I once did.
Why do I only rarely talk about relevant things in my life? Like actual events or people? Well...I guess, I'd like this journal to just catch the essence. The spirit of the times that Im living in, the zeitgeist if you can think back to philosophy or have any facility with German. And also I never want this journal to link back to me. To implicate me in real life, however, in whatever way to someone in real life. The things Ive shared don't narrow things down do they?
Sigh...tired, this week was a drain. And this weekend I can't let myself slip up. Have to do this...because no one else will...and no one else will truly care about me if I don't.
This is honestly terrible and is a sign of my growing obsession but the purpose of this post is to give me one more blessing so I can buy a new shirt for CF character. I change her outfit every day. It's made even more embarassing when it's realized that my CF character is better dressed than the real me!
We go in circles all the time. All the time...in thoughts/attitudes/actions....people do. People say they won't do it ever again, and they do it again. And by the end, you've lost faith that they will see the straight path; you believe in the inevitability of the circle yourself.
Last edited by Periann; 16th March 2008 at 06:21 PM.
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