Zeitgeist

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Confession 1: I think at times I would rather be more comfortable than uncomfortable doing work towards something I believe in.

This might be why I am settling on being a nurse rather than a doctor, why Im not competitive, why I tend to give in to pressure rather than fight it. I take the easy way out. The wide road...

Confession 2: I think other people confuse my meekness for weakness.

This confession might be in contradiction with the first one. But I think its true in its own right. Anyone can be rude, annoying and self-centered. However I choose to try and act the opposite around people because I know that is how Christ wants me to live. Not with an always 'me first mentality'. I will always remember (long story here just skip ahead if you're not into reading this part) when I had to spend a day with church friends. We were going somewhere and we were all leaving by car pools. As we reach the car the driver asks who is shot gun? Since no one called it I told my friend, 'go ahead you can have it and sit in front-I will sit in back' and she snapped back...'can you just make a desicion for once?' so rudely i was astonished. Had my stepping to the background-making sure that everyone else is seated and that everyone else is comfortable been interpreted for indecisiveness and weakness? Apparently so. It's wierd when a small little thing like that can affect your view of yourself so that years later you still remember it.

Confession 3: I dont think I can believe in what I say anymore.

I want to believe it. But there are certain ideas that I have that I dont think will ever come true. That I will never settle for a guy who someone else chooses for me. That I will never be afraid to say what I believe in. That I know what I want.

Confession 4: I push guys that I really like away.

It's immature, that I should get so shy to be around someone who likes me and who I like back. But I am scared. I dont want to be hurt. I dont have the energy and look at confession number 1. And it seems that Im never right about the guys that I really like for myself anyway.

Confession 5: I have always wanted to serve the poor and needy.

Usually Ive thought of it in a medical way, but now Im thinking that if that can't happen I should do it anyway. I want to do it, spend some time serving others like Christ did for His fellow humanity.

Confession 6: I have little faith in friendships anymore.

Being the meek person has taught me some things. That people use other people and that I am the used and not the user. People are only in it to get something from you. It makes it hard for me make real friends, though its prolly true that I have plenty of acquaintances.

Confession 7: I can never be innocent again.

Never ever again. My instincts have so crashed that it takes a really genuine person to pull me out of my zone enough for me to take the time to be real and genuine back.

Confession 8: It's lonely being me.

No explanation required.

Confession 9: Sometimes my best prayers and one on one sessions with God are when I turn my lights out and just cry (figuratively and sometimes literally) about everything...it feels good to just let things out.

Confession 10: I think I work to just forget whatever it is that's around me. I work to get tired more than its because I enjoy what Im doing.

Confession 11: Sad drunk people scare me.

Not that I havent been sad or drunk before at the same time, its happened a few times. But I really hate seeing other people sad and drunk. I really do.

Confession 12: I always blog when Im sad about something.

Right now Im sad about a few things (happy about a lot of things too) but just a few things that well suck right now. I am also feeling sad about Steve Irwin's wife and kids. I saw a part of the interview that his wife had with Barbara Walters and I just started crying it was so painful to watch that. He was totally crazy (in a good way). I hope his kids will always be proud of him.

Confession 13: Im tired now and am going to go to bed.

The only bright spot of today was me renting grey's anat season 2 ending and watching it up till now. I missed the end of season 2 on tv. It makes me feel better. Though I cry so much watching that show; its weird.

Today has been one of those semi crappy days. I could go into detail, but I dont think you'd want to read it and neither would I. So I would rather just think about things, speculate, and waste valuable cf space.

I do a lot of that...thinking that is. Sometimes I dont think at all and Ive gotten into a lot of trouble for those times in my life-believe me. Now all Im doing is exactly what I need to do and also thinking-- a lot. Run errands, do things, do school, thats it. And that's actually ok. If I expect too much thats when frustration sets in. And frustration is not a good place for anyone to be at.

You can't have it all. You can't expect to judge people and not have them judge you back. You can't expect to know what to do all the time. You can't expect that what you think will happen, will happen. You can't predict anything. I should know that. Right? When someone dies who's close to you, you figure it out. You're like, what the hell happened? I wasn't ready for that...no one informed me. Or if something ended that you weren't ready for it to end...a relationship or whatever. And the worst part is when you realize that you weren't ready after the fact of it ending. Because then its gone and thats it. They are through with you, and in order to move on with your life, you have to be through too. You have to pretend not to care. And shove your weakness down deep and grow up.

And its not easy, not for me. Im the weak link, on a team, on whatever it is, Ive been the weak link. And whatever lesson that Ive had to learn, its been hard for me to learn. I will deliberately try to not learn it and get frustrated and angry, when it would be so much easier to just learn it and grow up.

How can I forgive someone that isn't here? How can I do that? Pray for someone who the thought of literally makes me sick inside? Its really too hard. But I will pray about it. Because thats the advice I would give to myself if I were to ask for advice on CF about this.

You know a lot of people, everyone on Cf actually asks for advice? "What do I do? What should I do?" Ive done it many a time. But then there are some people who I have to wonder, where are they coming from? Are these people real? Because some of yall, I know I'll be seeing you in heaven and God bless you guys, are really odd. Its like no touch with reality people. Get a life, move on, gain some perspective. Get offline and get some real friends-these are only some people mind you. Some odd people. Then I feel guilty for thinking that-because Im obviously no better, I just percieve myself to be so . So I think I need to stop posting in the singles forum because some of the threads there are really odd. lol. im a mean jerk. yea you heard me say it first. I pretend to be nice, but in the end, I am just like you.

You can stuff your pity back in your face and choke on it. In fact I hope you do. Just so that I can give you the heimlich and you can realize that you aren't self sufficient after all.

There is nothing more aggravating to me then PITY. I do NOT want you wasting your time and acting condescending towards me because WOW you were SO damn smart and hardworking and thats why you got everything we both wanted.

Stuff it.

There is a daydream of a choice that I have, its far in the distance, but Im still wondering about it-the choice between money and danger or being in the comfort zone earning comfort dollars. Would you risk your life for mega bucks? Is it worth it to me? Heck yes, I am so going to do that if I ever get the chance, ever get through with this school.

It's strange; I waste a lot of time on the computer/watching tv/excercising but yet I am still ahead on my work. Maybe I should take it one day at a time rather than keeping on working myself to a frenzy when I have the energy and time to invest in school work. Anyway Im out for now.

Maybe I will update later in the day since today is only beginning, and judging the mood im in its going to be interesting.

_________________________________________________________________________

6:30 pm

so Im back. lots of school, friends and interesting conversations. i told you so didnt i?

hmm, it seems that there is a dichotomy in my heart. in one case, I want to make lots of money in a career that truly has a lot of value. then there is a part of me that says screw the money-be the person who you always wanted to be, help others, serve the least of these. can i have both? can i do the dangerous thing and make lots of money or should i sacrifice every impulse that i have and do the right altruistic thing, serving the helpless in a need filled community? i dont believe in altruism though. and i know that Christ said that its hard to enter the needle with a lot of money. or wait it was through the eye of a camel with a lot of money. neither of that makes sense, i think my brain must be overheated. oh right, its a camel can't enter the eye of a needle, and how that relates to how hard it is for the wealthy to enter the kingdom of God. though i dont take kingdom of God eschatologically, rather i take that as in the now. as long as i can make money and give to the Lord, if He wants all then all...then i should be fine...ok im well confused and will shut up about this now.

but one thing is i am getting out of here, out of this country. out of this community, out of this place. i dont hate it, nothing like that, and i also dont think i love it or want to always be here. i am grateful for the comfortable surroundings, but traveling with good people is something that's very cool to me.

there are some pent up emotions going on inside of me. firstly, why am i alone? whenever i do find my husband i seriously feel like i will need to hit him over the head for making me deal with all this stupid crap of finding him, makes no sense but im sure feeling nonsensical right now.

soooo aggravated i am. i just want to throw a temper tantrum and ask WHY NOT? why can i not have this?

sigh, can i be more selfish or greedy? truly I have everything I need and yet I still find time to waste in complaining and not doing. I have faith that God will give me my heart's desire, even when Im not wise enough to really know what that is.

Me me me....this journal is so self focused sometimes it is exhausting. seriously it is exhausting to think so much and not grow in any way.

i even avoid threads on cf where i have to think too much. if i dont already have an opinion on it, or the people in the thread are way smarter than i am, i dont want to share. my point of view is something i should shut up about because being wrong is so unpleasant.

its better for a fool not to open their mouth kind of thing.

dear God, I dont want it to be about me. Im sick of thinking about me. I want to do something for YOUR KINGDOM LORD.
im not the girl who knows what to do. im not the thin pretty smart or popular girl, i know at different times ive been perceived to be all of those things and perceive myself to be the complete opposite.

im just at this place right now where all i can think about is the place im at right now. i want to travel but i want to give it up to you God, i want to be the one to lay it down once. im a selfish girl and what makes me think you'll use a person like me to spread how much you truly love is beyond my comprehension. so i refuse to believe it. im just asking that my soul stop getting this sickness, this melancholy. because getting my head and heart to meet these days is getting altogether too much. and pretty soon i will be a robot, and wont be able to think for myself or choose to obey. my disobedience to your WORD will be preprogrammed, as my faith sometimes seems to be.

Oh Lord, Help me to have a heart like yours.

Seriously what does wiki mean? I asked that in my very first post and no one has bothered to answer it. This is not a rhetorical question and seriously I want to know what it means.

I have suddenly become big sister for other girls per their requests, but still can't be a big sister for my own little sister because my own flesh and blood doesn't respect my 'best in mind' sisterly advice. Sure Im not extremely bright, or amazingly disciplined, I dont have the toned body that I wish I had and once did, or the social life that I could have either. Ive made some major mistakes, in romance and in career. But some positive things about me are that I always recognize my mistakes and take it to God and excel the next time, I dont make the same mistake twice if I can help it(excluding certain ones of the heart-and keeping my room clutter free) and I do love her. But Im not giving advice to someone whose arguments are that they are smarter than me and that my mistakes have forfeited my right to say anything. I refuse to look the fool or play one. I dont like being used, or throwing whatever precious pearls I have before the swine, whether it be my own sister who has no respect for me, or other greedy people. You can't blame my sister though, so far she's done everything far better than I ever will, and I am so proud and genuinely happy for her. I just wish that she could recognize that and stop thinking that Im depressed about it because that's the only thing that makes me mad.

Anyway hasta la vista. Im going to the gym tommorow for a while to work out, and then off to work. Then maybe a little R&R, we shall see, there is an party that I might go to-might. But it feels like I might need a boyfriend to get there, and as I dont have one and don't plan on stealing one anytime soon I might just have to not go. seriously why do I always do this.

Take a risk, take a chance, just break away.

You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back

I'm too afraid to show

If it's coming over you
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded

I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there for me to
come back

I'm to afraid to show

I miss you, I need you
Without you, I'm stranded
I love you so come back

I'm not afraid to show

-Stranded, Plumb

Sidenote: Ive figured out that every time I glance at my own journal, which I do about 4 times a day, my views will increase by twice that amount. Also I really feel like nice isn't working for me anymore. I'll get over it. Lots more work to do...hopefully will finish this in time.

So it was my first venture into a Baptist church today. It was a school assignment for extra credit. Anyway it was pretty cool, the pastor is a teacher for one of my school classes so yea, I figured it would be good because I like the way he teaches.

I was thinking that it would be really loose and free but I guess Baptists are kind of strict, though there was the occasional lifting of hands and standing up from people during worship. I did some of that too. It's amusing to me because I come from a Syrian Orthodox/Syrianiate Episcopal background, very strict, very little room for the Holy Spirit like you see in A/G churches or even in Pente churches and Im surprised that I was free-er in worship then some of the people sitting in the service with me.

I was thinking of my first encounter with the Holy Spirit. It was when I was around 13, if you ventured into my profile that was when I first accepted Jesus unequivocally as the Savior in my life. I had gone to a Pentecostal church on my aunt's request since she had officially made the move to become Pentecostal and wash away the orthodoxy lol. Anyway so I think it was new year's watchnight service and my family were all in this strange church and wow these church people were SO LOUD. Their church was just a normal concrete building and everything was different. All the children, down to the littlest one was being lifted up in the Spirit, and people were speaking WHILE the special speaker-an evangelist from somewhere was preaching. But it was like -Amen, and some nonsense stuff (speaking in toungues I later found out). All of it was odd. By the end of the service I was the only one sitting in the back because all the other people had moved all the way up in their eagerness to hear the message. I swear I think I sat in that service for about 5 hours, I was literally in tears near the end. I was sure in my 13 year old mind I was going to die among all these ecstatic, unintelligible people. And I was so hungry! Finally the service ended at about 2 am (we didnt even count down!) and the evangelist started praying over people. I was pushed in line by my aunt and my mom. And the strangest thing happened, people were REALLY being moved. I mean something crazy was happening, they were falling on the floor, and people were speaking in toungues with a fervor that scared me and also strangely inspired me in it's intensity. I closed my eyes and started praying-"God whatever you want, whatever you want." And I started thinking on God and how much He really loved me and how He had sent His only Son to die for my sins. And how thankful I was for God loving me and protecting me. And suddenly it was the person in front of me's turn. As the pastor laid his hands near her (not even on her) I felt this huge wind, and I was over come. I started walking backward, unwilling to bend. Everyone behind me started walking backward too(those who were meant to catch us). But I couldn't stop walking back, I was audibly sobbing now, it was amazing, my heart was like on fire or something! And then the pastor turned his hands on me-waved them towards me, and that was all it took, I fell.

And that was my only overwhelming experience of the Holy Spirit in my life, though Ive had some amazing worship services later in life, and I am not ashamed to call on Him in service. I've yet to speak in toungues though. Isn't that an evidence of the HS? Perhaps Im not asking for it? I just am afraid of losing control I spose, which is why even after taking a second baptism (first when I was a little baby) Ive never experienced it. Worship is still an amazing experience, and I love worshipping God among people who are of a like mind and I dont have to care about anything except for truly wanting His love to wash over me and praising Him for His goodness. When that happens it's an amazing experience and I only wish I could experience that more often.

Everything is wrong and it completely sucks. Or not that is wrong right NOW...but its going to be. I can see it go there.

Im watching an avalanche in the making.

I'd really like to use this journal to say some not nice things right now. I'll get over it dont worry.

What to say about school but that it sucks right now. So much work and Im not doing so well What the hell is wrong with me?

I think Im the only person in my school among all my friends to not have a boyfriend, or not be 'talking' to someone. Again I have to ask: What is wrong with me? I know I can be wierd and random sometimes. I know that I don't dance like Madonna or look anything like Gwen Stefani. But I also know that I'm a forgiven person who believes in God and is never ashamed to say it. I am honest but have never been rude to anyone in my entire life if it can be helped. Im not ugly or fat (despite those days where that's all I feel I am) and I don't dress outrageously crazy.

In short, I dont think I deserve to not be ignored by guys who I could actually consider as potential bf's or to be noticed by only the really desperate ones. It's not good for a girl's self esteem; it really isn't.

And the sad thing is: there is no way for me to remedy it. I can't even think of one guy that I know who I would want to go out with. Now how pathetic is that, I mean if Im going to complain this much about not having a guy shouldn't I at least have someone in mind that could fix this problem? Well I dont. My entire life I have never even felt a scarcity in this area and now when I am in a place where I am working from the crack of dawn till dusk, no friends outside of school, no work, nothing at all I start thinking this way.

Grow up! Im talking to myself here. You know what I will do, PRAY. Because that's the only thing I can do. I'll just have to get over this funk and get into my work. There is nothing wrong with me and I know it. It's just too easy to complain sometimes.

Pray for me too.

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