Zeitgeist

I am horribly sad. The whole situation with Jason is sad to me. He just doesn't try, and that really makes me feel like I'm not worth it. He doesn't care to offer up any of his free time, when I used to leave at the drop of a hat just to meet him up for half an hour. Oh well Jason, I hope she's worth it, I hope the girl you meet up on weekends rather than me will make you finally deny my existence completely so I don't have to sit here wondering, why am I not good enough.

I don't want to be here anymore. I'm not kidding. If this is the best my life can be, the most freedom, the most money, the thinnest, the least bothers, the deepest relationship with God, the best connections with people I'll ever have, then there's no point. BC God, I am still ALONE, and unloved. I know what I am, a quitter, and right now, I just want to quit my life.

So Jason and I finally, finally, finally called it quits. I am sad about it. Of course. He was special and will always be special to me. I'll miss his banter in my life, and kissing him, and the way he made me feel.

I expressed my concerns to him last night about how it was hard for me to date someone who can go without hearing from the other for days. I told him that I needed more than that. And finally he said it: Well what do you want to do, have us fall in love? We can't.

And I told him I couldn't go on dating him, because I don't know how NOT to fall in love with him. And I told him about my long ago birthday gift for him, a book of kisses. I just want to kiss his face and hug him and tell him how much I wished we'd had a real chance. I dreamed about him last night, to the point where I woke up waiting til my clock would go off with the alarm calling me in to work.

Work was horrible by the way. Simply terrible. Although I somewhat managed to keep my head a bit above water...

Jeffy and I had a good date yesterday. I'm wary of him, and in my head all I can think of is how when I finally get over Jason and perhaps start liking Jeffy, I'll go through this again. My relationships seem to all get to this point.

Anyway I'm out. Jason obviously has blocked me off his messenger list...sad. Oh well. I guess this is the for the best.

This won't make me bitter about love, although I called it, though I had told him endless times in the beginning how it wasn't a good idea. Love is never fair anyway.

When the right person comes into my life I will be so happy, I can only imagine because I feel such grief and love over the wrong person walking out of mine. Sigh.

I don't think Jeffy and I are meant to be. Honestly I don't like him. But he is a safety net. My parents are happy that I am at least "talking" to someone, but they don't like Jeffy too much either. Jeffy seems to me to be a nice guy, but sort of...stupid. I don't think we'd get along long term, or in a relationship. I have high expectations, and I throw myself into a relationship...so I doubt we will work out.

I don't feel like fessing up with Jeffy just yet because I know that he is the best way to get my parents to stop introducing me to this never ending series of guys who I am not attracted to and can't stand even talking to. So to avoid one bullet I'm placing my future in front of another. Because of course, there is a chance Jeffy won't appreciate this at all...when I finally do tell him...that I'm just not interested in him in that way. Probably never will be.

Jason avoids talking to me. It shocks me how gullible I was to believe that Jason would truly have time for me this time, to talk to me, to like me and pursue a relationship with me. Although logic and history begged to differ, I believed his sweet words, and was persuaded to the contrary. So I walked into it. And now my heart is being pinched so severely that I dare not ever believe in another guy's smooth talk ever ever again. Because it seems, most guys are liars. And most have no idea what to do with what they want when they finally have it.

Oh how I hate hate hate this.

So the tables have turned again. My parents have received some assurance from a pastor that Jeffy is actually a good guy, his parents will be difficult though. So now my parents want to meet his family. Except for the fact that although I think Jeffy is a nice guy, I don't know if he's the one I want to spend my life with...if I can see us go down that road.

However, the problem is...there's a guy who's now making his interest clearer...an old friend, a cousin of a cousin of mine, which is kind of odd since I've known him forever, he's like a brother to me. But he's not. The look he gave me when I saw him at the wedding totally was not brotherly....lol. It was kind of...amazed. And since then we've been talking about everything. And I'm not sure now whether I view him as a brother or not...I'm now leaning towards "no"....wow.

Can it be that the guy that I've always been looking for has been my friend this whole time? The one who's annoyed, bothered, listened, taken care of my own brother like his, taken care of me? God, if this is real, if he really DOES happen to be the guy and I'm the right girl for him...then make it evident. Give me a dream or vision. Because I can NOT hurt him. I'm scared to ruin what's become a great friendship in my life.

ETA: Seriously the most confused person in my life at this point. Now I'm leaning towards Jeffy. Bc I don't know if Sony HAS changed. I met with my friend Josh today, we had a loooong conversation (5 hours) and he has a totally low opinion of Sony bc Sony is his brother's gf's ex. And it's all so confusing and crazy now. Who likes who...what to do...but none of the stuff I heard about Sony was good. Sony is a good guy but he's secretive. But he's also not truthful. To quote: "he's a pathological liar". I felt bad hearing it...this guy likes me...what am I going to do now. I don't want a pathological liar or someone who's not honest to his word and other guys dont respect (Sony). I can't date someone who's stood up one of my friends and has tried talking to two other girls at the same time (Jeffy). I don't know what in the world to make of anything.

God what is your will? I don't want to deal with crazy in-laws! Oh darn it all, I miss Ron. He would be my first choice if he was still interested in me. Although I can't choose him over you Lord, and that would be the choice he would be bringing me to, which is why now I understand the reason God didn't bring us together.

It's Jason's birthday today...I didn't call him, sent him a text and fb message. That's all he's getting from me. I can't go back to him, regardless of whatever pull of attraction there was.

So fb can be evil when you've thought everything out and have nothing left to do but send messages produced by an idle mind. I sent a fb message to Ron...saying pretty much that I missed us talking and have not gotten over the fact that I think we still had a better connection than any guy I've seen since him.

He hasn't responded. So that's over. I have no shame over this oddly.

And I also messaged a pastor buddy of mine, he's a year younger than me and is being used to preach all over the world, great guy. I asked him to pray for me about relationships and marriage. I'm soo confused about who I like and who God wants me with. I could have almost anyone...but the one I want is not an option. So I don't know how to decide between the rest. Checklist? Pros and cons? Sigh.

Anyway got a lot of stuff to take care of today. school school school. Wish me luck.

ETA: Scareder and scareder. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. Ron is comfortably far away so I don't have to face him. And truthfully if I were to face him and he made some comment detailing that he misses me I would like come close to slapping his face. What a jerk he continues to be. He has a right to refuse me, but he should have the decency to acknowledge it at least....and that he knows it's NOT out of the blue. Thinking about attraction recently.Sony is cute, but he has a bit of a girl face. How rude I am. But he does his eyebrows, seriously. I can't deny however there was some spark there at the wedding. I don't know if it was the way he kept putting his arm around my waist, and acting so gentle with me. He's so thin though. He has a good sense of style and is committed to God and is working on getting his life in order. Can I get over his past? Can I even say that without feeling like the biggest hypocrite? I have been very careful to hide my indiscretions...he has not been so fortunate in his life. I just don't know if he's smart enough either, but he seems committed to understanding me.

I have this worry about whether Jeffy is smart enough either. Although Jeffy has his MBA and is working on his CPA currently. Also he didn't necessarily attract me when I first met him. He just wasn't bad...but I didn't feel like I was so attracted to him either. Sigh.

Jason of course said "I hope to see you soon" today on chat to me. Whatever. I refuse to let him have his cake and eat it too.

Like a Ferris wheel in my head. Dizzy and fast and uncomfortable and spinning, spinning, spinning.

So after all, I let go of all the other guys. And who am I with now, who loves me...and dare I say it...I'm loving back...Sony. He's the ONE. Seriously y'all, this is it, in a year or so we're getting married, I can feel it in my heart.

He told me today that he loves me. And I felt just soooo amazed and grateful and happy and almost near tears that I couldn't say anything. That I could have someone who loves me and takes care of me and is as God fearing as he is. Oh thank you God, I really didn't think it was possible. But You surprised me. His kisses swept me off my feet today. He's so incredibly sweet and thoughtful to me, and at the same time funny and just surprising, that I'm actually shocked all over again when I think of it...that I can discover these loving feelings for someone I've known my whole life....amazing.

This is it y'all, no going back. I've cut ties with all the guys from my past and now all I have is this one. And he's enough.

Jason is not taking this well. He's heartbroken. Quite literally he wants to marry me, he wants to give me everything...but I'm not interested in him anymore. He's not the one for me...but I fear based on his insistence that he wont get over this...and it hurts me for him. He's told me he's never been in love like this, never known that he could love like this. How strange, when I've finally come to the opposite conclusion. He's brokenhearted that while he was falling in love with me, in his words I was falling in love with someone else. Poor guy, we had a chance, but it's too late for anything now.

How feelings change. Sony and I are so happy together. He literally makes me feel like the luckiest girl I'm blessed to have him in my life.

I can't entertain Jason anymore, can not. He said he's moving out of Houston to get away from this, and I don't doubt he will do that. I want to see him again, but I'm scared, and it's not fair to Sony. Jason is incapable of reason at this point. How did this happen? Why now??

Sometimes life is a mystery. Poor poor Jason.

Maybe Jason is right. Sony IS the safe choice. But I've made it. And I have to stick to it. I am still very sad. I feel so alone. Yesterday was amazing, today not so much.