My Journey with an ED....

blessedmomof5 · #1 1st October 2005, 08:57 PM

This might actually be helpful......

Lord as you know i had another day struggling with food, eat, oh don't the battle still rages on in my head.... woke up and had did my routine at 4 am....cannot sleep again, so i come here on the computer hoping to get those thoughts out of my head.
I am so Blessed for the wonderful friends i have made here, and for those who have tried to help, beg and plead, and pray for me.....but lord as you know there is something or someone holding me back........and i have no desire to fight right now.....

so for today i have eaten...ummmmmoh a handful of peanuts......and took the dog for a 2 mile walk, which is better then my 6 miles, but it was getting late and to dark and cold for me......

I am still having the left sided chest pains and i do know it from the lack of food, and the laxatives, brings my electrolites way down......\but i have an appt with my dr on thursday and as usual i will have a ekg, and hoping that does not show anything that would send me to the er again.....
funny how you would think i would want to get better , but i am ok now maybe it was the ip program and the nourishment, but i feel pretty ok....
but for how long? This Ed has a grip of me and i cannot let go of it, i like to be thin, actually more thin than i am now, but logically thats not a smart move......
Lord i also know you are there holding me when i cannot take it anymore, because if it was not for you i am sure i would not be here now.... and for that i praise you Lord, i just wish i could do more to please you.......but i am not at that point yet.....

Lord i pray you heal All that are suffering with an Ed, and bless them with your presence and let them know you are watching out for them.......
i pray this in your precious name Amen .....

blessedmomof5 · #2 2nd October 2005, 03:56 PM

I was shocked when i woke up at 5.45. not my usual 4am give or take a few minutes....

I watched john hagee minitries on tv, my sunday morning ritual, then get the kiddies up for church....the thing i look forward to most in my life.(church)

Today at church was communion, once a mth and it was that time, as i struggled with whether or not i should eat the bread, carbs...freak me out or the Juice, sugar sugar sugar.......i prayed for the strength to go ahead and allow myself.... now i do realize it is a tiny thing not a whole loaf of bread nor a bottle of juice, but to me it seems that way...trying to figure out how many calories was going to be overwhelming if i had started ...
I also met the counseling pastor today, i have an appt with him on the 10th of oct.....he counsels according to what the bible teaches, this should be a challange for him, and me.......since i feel this is Gods will.....

took the kids to the beach, it was a nice day a little dizzy from the heat , but i managed, it has been worse. then the fighting began ,with the kids, and in my frame of mind i cannot listen to it, so home we are......BTW the water is freezing now,,lol

as i sat on the beach there was not many of us, but i felt huge, and there was another mother there that was thin...and i sat there thinking,,hmmmm wonder what she weighs? she has to be less then me....but had i asked which i usually do , i believe she would have weighed more, but thats not how i see it...

so i still need my walk, think i will do that at dinnertime, saves me from eating, and will get some calories burned.... and then i won't have to eat ....
so far today i had communion, and 1 forkfull of tuna while making lunches.....and 1/2 an apple....way to much and it is only 3.00 o'clock.....
so that will be it for the day...once the pains go away from being hungry it gets easier......
weird how that all sounded so sick!
there are days when i wished i could just go out and have a normal dinner, but that starts that battle raging in my head, and it is not worth it nor do i feel worthy of the food.......

till later.

blessedmomof5 · #3 2nd October 2005, 07:45 PM

I went for my walk but i had to do 2 bc i could not make it that far the first time, maybe tired? so then i went to the store, walked, and bought stuff to make banana cream pie for the kids.......waiting for it to set.....they keep asking is it ready...lol

Had no dinner. just cannot do it today. but i did think and remind myself if i do not eat i will be back at a hosp ip program and that i do not want, so maybe tomorrow...

I have 2 job interviews tomorrow, i am praying for both of them. we are in need of money and i have decided if i get them i will work 7 nights a week.... it needs to be a night job because we need dh home to watch the kids...

Plus 7 nights will keep me busy and hopefully the battle will quiet down if i am busy...

Lord if it is your will for me to have these jobs i will accept them as such.....i pray this in your precious name....amen.

blessedmomof5 · #4 3rd October 2005, 10:08 AM

Everyone off to school, except the little one....have already done most of the work in the house, well ok some.....lol

am a bit hungry today, but as long as i stay away from the thoughts i will be ok...and go for a walk...

need to call my nutristionist around 10.00am, and see what her desion was about me contuniuing with me,if i am not willing to change yet or really finding it way to hard mentally to eat....wish me luck.....because i know come thursday when i see my dr he will be less than pleased....although we do have a wonderful relatioship, he said if i lose to much weight i will become a liability for him and he can no longer be my dr... which i think is part why i will try not to go below a certain # on the scale.

Oh and i have those 2 interviews today......hoping and praying for the best. but whatever it is it is Gods will....and i will accept it.
till later.

blessedmomof5 · #5 3rd October 2005, 03:43 PM

I went on the interviews,
first one wanted me at anytime, kinda hard when u have 5 kids.....so a no go...

the 2nd one was a supermarket, never worked in one before...yikes, feel like a litttle kid again.....so anyway winds up the manager is a twin b/g and had id twin sisters.......we both thought that odd seeing i have 2 sets of twins myself....

anyway got that one working 6 nights, start on wednesday training... the only day i remembered i could not work was friday the girls do awana at church....

oh and i am eating carrots......and i had a hard boiled egg today....now i need to stop......

blessedmomof5 · #6 3rd October 2005, 06:38 PM

well i have been pretty much eating all day...... feeling HUGE....

at least i got 3 walks in and hoping for 1 more....not that it will help...
mom is coming over and called and said u didn't wait for me to eat dinner? why so you can say i did not eat enough? no thanks.....

I am also sooooooooo concerned about a true friend in christ, I am hoping i will hear from this person soon......praying for him.....

no more eating till thursday......... I need the strength...

blessedmomof5 · #7 3rd October 2005, 09:16 PM

well she asked, the BIG question have you gained weight? i asked her what she thought i do not tell them my weight, and she so pleasantly told me no looks like i lost weight and i look horrible.....

ahhhh mothers.....gotta love em

still feeling huge.

blessedmomof5 · #8 4th October 2005, 09:25 AM

As my day starts, all the kids are home today from school, have a therapy appt this afternoon..see what that brings

There are just days when i think try, try , pray to get better, what is wrong with you? you call this fun?
Or then i think ok so you are doing this so you look good....nope..
so why then am i?
Because i cannot stop, Why can't i go to the Lord and ask for his help?
I know i need it, He knows i need it, and so does most everyone else...

what do i do go get a job 6 nights a week, so i will not have to be home for dinner.......almost like giving myself an excuse not to eat...
The battle in my head rages on.......

blessedmomof5 · #9 4th October 2005, 09:25 PM

Just returned from a walk /jog.... always clears my mind, and the cals from the apples today 2 of them.....
Had my therapy appt, and it is sad to hear what i say at times, do you know my mother would tell me as a child that i was such an ugly baby?
I would never tell my children anything like that even if i thought it was true.....
funny what you can remember and what you cannot,,,,,, the question remains do i want to remember? so tomorrow another therapy appt and the dentist....joy.
and one of the kids have a ent appt fluid in the left ear again, should have been outgrowning it by the age of 9.....tubes and all...
praying that it is gone and we will not have to go through that again, my poor daughter has been through so much......Lord i ask you to clear cassisy's ear of the fluid that should not be there, and i ask for a a wonderful appt tomorrow for her....in Jesus name Amen

blessedmomof5 · #10 5th October 2005, 05:36 AM

Been up since 4;00am cannot sleep, wish i could at least sleep until 5.30ish...i would feel like i at least gotten some sleep....having my 1 cup of Java now, anf got on the scale and lost a 1 or 2....feeling better about myself now.

ahhh i have to train for that supermarket job tonight....
also a friend works at the local hospital and lloked on the board there might be a job there for me, need to go fill out a application....maybe that would better suit me.a nurses aide. what batter thing then to help people who are sick and at the same time spread the word of God.