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Old 20th July 2005, 06:33 AM
psychedelicist's Avatar
aka the Akhashic Record Player

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How to improve your relationship with god

Note: the proceeding article is satire. Don't take it seriously as it might be bad advice.


See, the problem with most people is they have no idea how to have a relationship with God. That's because they're caught up in the infinite,the indefinable.

You need to think of God in human terms. Instead of worrying about your relationship with God, imagine you're trying to have a relationship with Charlie Sheen. Why Charlie Sheen? Because like God, most people wish they had a better relationship with Charlie Sheen. Like Jesus, Charlie Sheen hangs out with a lot of prostitutes and has great hair.

The first step in improving your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop asking him for stuff. Sure he's got tons of cool stuff, and probably wouldn't miss it. He's got galaxies full of junk and all you want is enough money to buy a new toaster. Well unfortunately, Charlie has that money earmarked for nipple waxing and crack so he's not going to just hand it over. Like God, Charlie gets requests from people he doesn't know all of the time. Even if he did know you, he can't just hand you everything you want. Are you starting to understand how God works?

The second thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop holding him responsible for things that you did, or didn't do. Nothing is more annoying to Him then you saying, "If I don't get that job, it was because Charlie Sheen didn't want me to get it." or "Charlie Sheen will get me out of this speeding ticket, even though I'm messed up on Percocet, morphine, and Peach Schnapps." I'm not saying Charlie will never help you, but you really need to take some personal responsibility. "Charlie Sheen wants me to beat up this prostitute. After all, did he not shoot Kelly Preston?" Believe me Charlie Sheen probably does want you to beat up that prostitute, but you're still the one holding the sock full of nickels.

The third thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop talking about him behind his back. Don't be bragging about how well you know Him, and how everyone else should get to know Him. Your relationship with Him is not special. Plus, Charlie Sheen has more friends than he knows what to do with. If other people want a relationship with Charlie Sheen they only need to go to the nearest topless club.

The fourth thing to do to improve your relationship with God/Charlie Sheen is to stop going to his house so often. Would you want someone coming over your house every Sunday? Even though you're going there to praise Him, it's all a little much. Plus, look at the fakers all around you. They're not really friends of Him. They all just want stuff, or want to blame Him for stuff. You don't need to be associated with these people.

Finally, stop questioning everything he does. He has done good things like "Wall Street" and "Hot Shots!" I and II. And yet, he has also done "Men at Work" and "Two and a Half Men"? He broke up with porn star Ginger Lynn. Some things he does are beyond our human comprehension

Try being a good friend to Him for a change. That way when you die, you can go live with Him in Malibu.
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Last edited by psychedelicist; 20th July 2005 at 09:02 AM.
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