One day closer to heaven.

Mustaphile · #1 2nd December 2004, 01:14 PM

Dear Christian Journal (or can I call you CJ?),

I've been trying think how to start this journal. I've never been very good at journals. After reading a few others I have finally come up with an appropriate subject heading, "One day closer to heaven". I think it appropriately expresses my generalling feeling about waiting to see my Lord. Putting my hopes in things above makes me quite impatient to be there. I have to say at the age of 40, I am now quite weary of life on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy, but at the same time I'm keen to move onto the next. I figure if God hasn't snatched me from this Earth yet, there must be a few more things for me to do in his service still. I'll try to be patient Lord.

Today has been a usual run of the mill day. I've been looking after my grandmother, tidying around the house in preparation for an inspection, sitting at my computer communicating with the world from my comfy chair. Most days are the same for me. Lashings of solitude, interspersed with some forced gregariousness when I walk down the shops to buy something to cook for dinner. I managed to read my Bible for a bit. Had some time in prayer. Watched some television. The usual stuff.

I've got a gal online who I have known for many years who loves me to death. She's always great company and keeps my spirits high. It's an unusual relationship. Not normal by any standard. We've met in person and feel certain about our intentions to be together. She posseses a quiet and caring nature that I have found in no other women. There is a lot to be said for developing relationships online, if people are sincere in the expression of their feelings. I'll try not to get too soppy in my opening post in my journal, though.

What else is happening...hmmmmm....oh yes!...that's right... It's 3:00 am in the morning and I should be in the bed. That's a nice responsible thought. I must act on that.

Goodnight CJ! Goodnight God! See you all tomorrow!

Mustaphile · #2 3rd December 2004, 12:04 AM

Dear CJ,

Another day closer....

Hmm this is therapeutic.

The Real Estate inspection went off with no hitches. I wasn't expecting any, but I'm always anxious when under scrutiny.

I've spent the morning going over the threads I posted in yesterday, and looking for new subjects of interest. The themes for today have included love, charity, utility, pragmatism, ideology and effective witness.

I'm now at the end of a long session of reading and posting, and it's time for me to be quiet again and listen to God. Writing this journal is helping me to tie up the loose ends of my day and bring completion to the many thoughts that have been on my mind as I have been reading.

Ideology, what a divisive force it is and we love it so much these days. Someone defined me the other day as more of a centrist in that I take my views from both sides and look for the good in them both. The atmosphere of ideological conflict leaves me exasperated, knowing that so much middle ground is ignored. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Degrees exist in between that to my way of thinking have greater value than the extremes. Pragmatism on it's own could be said to be ideology, so I'm having a dilemna finding a word to describe something without forming a new ideology. I came across the word invention, in my thoughts, which implies creativity for the purpose of necessity leading to utility. Is the word invention a good substitute? I'll think on that some more.

Love is always a theme in most things I discuss. I can find no greater value in life than love and no greater relationship than the love that God I share. That eternal love sustains me when I lack the temporal love of this life. The combination oftemporal love, under the eternal love of God brings ecstasy at times. I do love my gal.

Lately I've discussed with her the overwhelming desire I have to please her needing to be tempered by the hazard of losing myself, in my zeal to please. I talked about how if I can't resist that temptation, then perhaps its best sometimes if in the spirit of love the other partner pushes back, to allow there significant other the time and space to be themselves. The problem being, how will we perceive this pushing away? If it is interpreted as rejection, then it causes hurt. When we have both experienced some suffering through rejection before, its becomes easy to quickly attribute the will to seperate as rejection. Trust can only come with time, I think. Trust in the sincerity and commitment of your partner.

Time to be quiet with God. Hopefully it doesnt become a quiet time watching the inside of my eyelids while I snore loudly. I need God to be more demanding in his presence to keep me awake.

Cya next time, CJ.

Mustaphile · #3 4th December 2004, 04:29 AM

Dear CJ,

I've just arrived back home from visiting my three daughters for the day. It was great to see the smiles on their faces when I arrived. We caught up on old news, listened to some MP3's I brought over them, and then my second oldest daughter played a couple of news songs she had written recently, on her guitar. We talked about there new jobs, at a local amusement park. My oldest daughter has been working there for quite some time, and she facilitated the younger two in getting positions there over the Christmas break. After that we went and bought some McDonalds and DVD's and settled back in front of the television to relax for the afternoon. We watched "A Night at the Roxbury", which was quite a funny movie. I've missed them a lot lately and I am glad I took the time to go and remind them that I love them and care for them.

I'd describe my mood now as peaceful but melancholy, as I come back to the solitude of my computer. I would have liked to have stayed longer, but I have commitments to care for my grandmother and she wouldn't appreciate me leaving her at home starving. I arrived home with cooked chicken and ceasar salad for us to feast on. My wallet feels considerably lighter after the days expenses. I try not to dwell on that too much.

I'll probably catch up with my girls again face to face around Christmas time. My sister and nephews are probably going to be there too.

Time for me to settle back and look for something on the CF forum that piques my interest. I reviewed the replies to threads I was in earlier and haven't found anything I need to respond to. There might even be something interesting on TV later on.

My gal is probably fast asleep atm. She would have been out with a couple of her girlfriends and probably catching up on news until some late hour of the evening. I'm looking forward to talking to her on the phone tonight (tommorow her time). She has sent me an email informing me of her keen expectation of some quality time talking. It will be nice to touch base with her. The presence of her love and devotion in my life does much to soothe the soul.

Not much more for me to say at this time. I'm a bit worn out from the day. Once I get my head into the forum, I am sure to find some new themes to discuss with you, CJ.

Goodbye for now.

/me ticks off another day

Mustaphile · #4 5th December 2004, 01:33 AM

Dear CJ,

My searching eye last night led me to sit up far too late and into the early morning. The sun was coming up as I lay my head down. With some regret I have found myself spending my Sunday without face to face fellowship with other believers. I temper this regret with the knowledge that my search is sincere for an authoritave method of seeking truth and that simply diving into a community of believers without some strong framework for seeking truth could leave me once more adrift in a sea of confusion. The solitude of my faith allows me the latitude of convinction in my thoughts.

When it comes to claims of authority, I know no more confident claim than that of the Catholic and Orthodox faiths. The Protestant claim of authority, though it has been the nursery and nurturer of my faith, is now ringing more hollow in my heart and mind. I find myself chaffing at the bit of the restrictive ideas of Sola Fide, Sola Scriptura. I dare not be so bold as to proclaim Protestantism as serving no purpose, as I feel all the christian experience must have some utility for God. In my own personal journey however, I have been tugged incessantly in the direction of the more traditional institutions of Christendom. I am hesistant to embrace them without first coming to an understanding of the dynamics that drive them, both past and present. Reading through the Catholic Catechism today, I came across to latin phrases. Sensus Fidelum (the sense of the faithful) and Ecclesia semper Reformanda (the church must always be reformed). On searching the internet for some discussion of Sensus Fidelum, I came across an interesting article.

Article on Sensus Fidelum

When I contemplate Catholicism and Orthodoxy (I find wisdom in both), I get a sense of great conservatism in Catholicism. Being of liberal mind and guided by my hearts love for God, I have many time found it hard to reconcile how I would immerse myself in this conservatism. This 'sense of the faithful' and 'the Church must always be reformed' offers me some hope of reconciling this barrier to my faith walk. I must be able to reconcile my conscience concerning the authority of Jesus Christ and whatever earthly authority I would utilise to guide me towards a more explicit understanding of Jesus Christ the Word of God, God's complete revelation of his purpose.

The search continues....

Thanks for listening CJ.

P.S. I need to record a new line of thought that I wish to pursue. The relationship between love and happiness. God communicates himself to us through love. Is our aim love or is it the method by which we attain another aim, happiness. I feel inclined to search for the word happiness in the Bible and see where this leads me.

Mustaphile · #5 5th December 2004, 10:16 AM

Dear CJ,

I'm seeking you out to vent my frustrations. I'm so drawn to the reasoned thinking of Catholic teachings, but so frustrated with trying to find a reasonable Catholic. It's a dilemna I find most perplexing. Hmmm...the Anglicans perhaps? I might be gleaning some reason why the Anglicans found themselves seeking to put some distance between themselves and Catholic elitism.

Ok. Thanks for listening CJ.

Mustaphile · #6 7th December 2004, 01:42 AM

Dear CJ,

I've overcome my frustrations and chastised myself for my lack of patience. God forgive me for my trespasses, as I forgive those who trespass against me.

It's been an interesting couple of days in the forum for me, as I continue to wrestle with the problem of division and contention. I understand the frustration of those he see wrong or perversion in truth. I'm often moved to repugnance and abhorrence by things I see. Both these things stem from hate. Hate is a funny sort of term. It's considered the anti-thesis of love. I've been trying to think of the links between hate and fear based on the idea of perfect love casting out fear. What causes hate to rise in us? Are we fearful of the consequences of abhorrent behaviours?

I've type so many large posts this day that I have little energy left to share the ideas that I was expressing in those posts, CJ. I think the essence of those ideas where drawn from a particular chapter of the Bible that deals with the role of love and it think it bears recording in my journal how vital this little scripture is to my may of veiwing the world.....

1Jo 4:1 My loved ones, do not put your faith in every spirit, but put them to the test, to see if they are from God: because a great number of false prophets have gone out into the world.
1Jo 4:2 By this you may have knowledge of the Spirit of God: every spirit which says that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is of God:
1Jo 4:3 And every spirit which does not say this is not from God: this is the spirit of Antichrist, of which you have had word; and it is in the world even now.
1Jo 4:4 You are of God, my little children, and you have overcome them because he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.
1Jo 4:5 They are of the world, so their talk is the world's talk, and the world gives ear to them.
1Jo 4:6 We are of God: he who has the knowledge of God gives ear to us; he who is not of God does not give ear to us. By this we may see which is the true spirit, and which is the spirit of error.
1Jo 4:7 My loved ones, let us have love for one another: because love is of God, and everyone who has love is a child of God and has knowledge of God.
1Jo 4:8 He who has no love has no knowledge of God, because God is love.
1Jo 4:9 And the love of God was made clear to us when he sent his only Son into the world so that we might have life through him.
1Jo 4:10 And this is love, not that we had love for God, but that he had love for us, and sent his Son to be an offering for our sins.
1Jo 4:11 My loved ones, if God had such love for us, it is right for us to have love for one another.
1Jo 4:12 No man has ever seen God: if we have love for one another, God is in us and his love is made complete in us:
1Jo 4:13 And his Spirit which he has given us is the witness that we are in him and he is in us.
1Jo 4:14 And we have seen and give witness that the Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the world.
1Jo 4:15 Everyone who says openly that Jesus is the Son of God, has God in him and is in God.
1Jo 4:16 And we have seen and had faith in the love which God has for us. God is love, and everyone who has love is in God, and God is in him.
1Jo 4:17 In this way love is made complete in us, so that we may be without fear on the day of judging, because as he is, so are we in this world.
1Jo 4:18 There is no fear in love: true love has no room for fear, because where fear is, there is pain; and he who is not free from fear is not complete in love.
1Jo 4:19 We have the power of loving, because he first had love for us.
1Jo 4:20 If a man says, I have love for God, and has hate for his brother, his words are false: for how is the man who has no love for his brother whom he has seen, able to have love for God whom he has not seen?
1Jo 4:21 And this is the word which we have from him, that he who has love for God is to have the same love for his brother.

I will meditate on this scripture often to reinforce it's value. In fact the whole of this letter, 1 John, is inspiring to me. Praise God for he is just and righteous. In him I place my hope for perfect justice and my faith is in that hope, in love. Amen.

Till next time, CJ.

Mustaphile · #7 9th December 2004, 08:03 PM

Dear CJ,

Sorry about the delay in my returning. I can't say I have much to talk about today. I've been out shopping and stocked up the cupboards, watched some DVD's and tended to my plants, as well as my usual responsibilities of looking after my grandmother.

I'm looking forward to having a chat with my lady on the phone today. Ummm....that's about it. I hope I have more to chat about when I get on the phone!

I'll keep in touch, CJ.

-edit-

Ok CJ. I'm back.

I feel a bit guilty about leaving without putting some thoughts down. I can't find any other threads in the forum that are really inspiring me, so I might as well use this time to think about some issues in my life. Ok then....

I've been using this forum as a form of fellowship, so that my walk with God is not always filled with solitude. I have difficulties joining in any particular denominational fellowhip because I don't want to be found nodding in assent to things that I don't have any real conviction for. It's lacking in sincerity and should I voice my opinion it would certainly lead to dissent. I guess that's the whole thing about not being in assent. By default your in dissent. I have assent for the values and principles of christianity. I also have assent for all things of the nicean creed, which places me in the scope of mainstream christianity, even if that still finds me on the edge of the wedge. I'm comfortable in the convictions of my conscience in this place, but not comforted by the lack of unity with the more common believer.

It's at moments like this I think I need to remember that when we think we are alone, we are just experiencing something that is shared amongst many, but in silence. This gives me an idea for a thread actually. How do people deal with these feelings of being on the 'edge of orthodoxy'? Are these people fated to meet in shadowy corners of christendom unable to partake fully in the completeness of christian life, through marginalisation? I guess I could turn a blind eye to those things I disagree with, and partake anyway. I could concentrate on the commonalities and think less of the differences. Ironically enough, its something I have stated I before but found hard to practice.

The biggest issue that weighs on my conscience is communion. I want to partake, but the doors seem closed. Very few churches, in my area, offer communion to people who aren't members. Since I can't become a member in good conscience I am restricted by my own convictions. Why do I need to lose my convictions to partake in communion? I've been thinking of having my own communion, since noone else seems to be offering me the chance to partake. Break some bread and drink some wine alone? It's communing with my Lord, but its lacking in the feeling of communion with my brothers and sisters in Christ. I don't have an issue with seeking forgivenes for my sins before partaking. My faith is stronger now in my solitude, so i feel more at ease between myself and God now, than I would by being a church member. Some might say it is an issue of obedience. I'm perplexed by this, since I feel I am being in obedience with God, and giving to God what is God's. By consenting to conditions of membership to a church, I am not giving God what is God's, but giving man what man is asking for, when it ought to be God's. I'll make enquiries about when communion is being held again and see if I can get involved. Now I think about it more, it's less an issue of obedience than it is an issue of forgiveness (which I think relates to obedience. How terribly circular.

). I need to forgive my christian brothers for their transgressions, just as God has forgiven me for mine. Hmmm...I'm sensing a nice shift in thinking here. So to bring myself to communion in a spirit of seeking forgiveness and offering forgiveness for others, then I bring myself before the Lord in the appropriate manner. Progress!! Praise God!

God give me forgiveness for my sins, and guide me towards your wisdom. Place in my heart the desire to seek forgiveness from and for my christian brothers and sisters, so that I may present myself spotless before you in communion.

In the name of your Son, Jesus, I ask this, Father.

Amen.

/me marks another day on the countdown to the Tree of Life.

Catch ya on the flipside, CJ

Mustaphile · #8 12th December 2004, 11:25 AM

Hey CJ!,

I'm in such an ecstatic mood at the moment I have to share, though words couldn't describe the joy in my heart.

Life is so simple when I get a hold of it. Faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love. What incredible power love has to move us and lift us up high.
I was watching the Passion tonight and I let myself feel the message deeply and allowed it to move me. What an incredible love God has for us and how perfectly that love was shown in his incarnation on Earth. No fear, no pain, no suffering could stand in it's way. Humiliated, mocked, scorned, betrayed and crucified, his love never ceased and his love was truimphant. God's love inside of me is there for all and I spread it freely. The Good News! God love us!

God's love alone is all I need to unlock the power. I've got a song I have been playing over and over, while I've been chatting to my gal (my heart's distraction

). I'm telling her about the love I have for everyone at the moment and the words of this song are ringing in my heart with a resonance that brings bliss. There are two versions of the song that I know, but my version comes from a performance by Casey Donovan on Australian Idol that touched my heart so deeply when I first heard it. The Tiffany Taylor version make is so earthly, but the words that Casey sang soared up high to places I dream of being. It reminds me of how powerful God's love is in my life and my declaration to the world of the direction I am taking.

Here in the dark,
I stand before you,
Knowing, this is my chance to show you my heart,
This is the start. This is the start.

I know I'm not a child any longer,
I am stronger.

Here's where I stand. Here's who I am.
Help me to move on, but please don't tell me how.
I'm on my way. I'm moving out.
In this life we've come so far, but we're only who we are.
With the courage of love, show us the way.
Unlock the power. Stand up and say,
Here's where I stand. Here's who I am.
Love me and we'll make it through.
Here's where I stand.

The more I let the song move me, the more the tears of joy flow. I'm standing before you all today. This is my chance to show my heart. Here's where I stand, God's love has unlocked the power within me. My heart is crying out for you to join me in this joyous journey. I'm moving out. I'm soaring so high in the power of his love, I'm on my way to heaven. Help me to get there, but don't tell me how. I'm on my way. I'm moving out. Look at my heart now and know God's love. You can soar with God too, and we can all be on our way to heaven. I want you all to experience this joy so badly it brings tears to my eyes with the power of my need within me, to show you my heart, right now, this very moment, when nothing can stand between my love for God and God loves for me. How do I know? Because Jesus Christ sang the same song to me. Here's where I am, here's where I stand, he said. Let me show you my heart. The heart of God. Know my love for you. I'm on my way. I'm moving out. Follow me. I can't express in words how hard I am holding to on to the love of God. I'm trying. I want you to know so badly. I hope this has given you some small inkling of this the courageous power of love, that life of Jesus has brought to my heart. Grab hold now people! Don't wait another second!

I love the pleasure of sharing with my gal. She's my righteous distraction on this earth and my holy desire. I look into her eyes and see God's love shining back at me. I'm soaring high with God, and I love the comfort of her hand on mine as we go higher. Stay with me, I say to her. Don't let go, because I ain't looking back. My eyes are above on the love of God, so hold on tight my sweetness and light.

Woohoo!!! I'm flying high!!!

/me hugs CJ

Catch ya later on CJ

Mustaphile · #9 16th December 2004, 04:48 AM

Dear CJ,

I'm here today to make sure that start to discipline myself to keep writing something in my journal everyday. I've typed out so many replies today and of course worn my brain out in the process. I've since been done to the shops and picked up some food for dinner. Nothing to flash tonight. Just a frozen pie. Although I picked up some diced lean beef for a casserole, and some mince, that I can freeze for a time in the future. My grandmother requested frozen party pies and frozen sausage rolls too, for those times when she wants a quick snack.

I'll try to recall the themes of some of the posts today. The one that stuck out for me was the thread asking, "What things are you thankful for?". After some thought I decided on a single answer of, things that endure. This would include many things, some mundane and some more spiritual. Another post was about my thoughts on attitude, and how it relates to direction. I spent a lot of my evening last night reading the stories a group of people who had left a religious community, which did not allow open questioning, stifled dissent and encouraged the loss of self. It was an affirmation in my mind about the importance of retaining self, but at the same time refining to self to conform with the true self, Jesus Christ, revealed through our self. This 'self' gives us an attitude to the world which keeps us from being swayed by those who would manipulate us. There were some interesting comments made by a few ex-members of this community who had only remained for a short time, because the leadership had told them they had an 'attitude'. I think they should thank God that they did have an attitude, that is an attitude that sprang from an understanding of self, refined by the transforming power of the holy spirit, to reveal Jesus within them. This attitude saved them from being led astray, whereas others who chose to 'submit', 'obey', 'lose themselves for Jesus' etc., where left open to some pretty serious spiritual, emotional and physical abuse that haunts them many years afterwards. Attitude might be considered wrong by many, but an attitude for Jesus is a good thing from what I can see.

Back tomorrow I hope CJ.

/me marks another cross on the calendar.

Mustaphile · #10 17th December 2004, 05:02 AM

Greetings to you CJ,

I'm back from my regular walk to the shop. I'm stuffed with fish and ice cream.

/me rubs his full tummy

I watched 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind' last night. It was an interesting movie. I expected a light hearted movie, but got a quite cerebral experience, that required some concentration to follow. The ending was well worth the wait, as it wrapped up the whole complex story quite nicely, while making a meaningful statement about the mystery of love.

Not much to say today, CJ, me ole pal.

Au Revoir, CJ.