Struggling to breathe

Before i found my faith i was often depressed, i turned to self harm to release the inner pain that i felt and often came close to suicide. I never cared whether or not i lived or died and often wanted to be seized by death just to end the monotonous pain of life.

Then (with a lot of help and guidance from caring friends) i found faith, and i made it a part of who i am. Only, nobody knows this, my family and friends (even those who helped me) believe me to be an atheist. Sometimes i want to scream at them, and sometimes i want to cry. I can't tell them that i've changed because if they take it badly and resent me for it i'm scared that i'll become the same person i was before, and i have enough scars without adding any more. I want to share what i have, but i know my family and friends too well, and they will resent me for it. Knowing i can do nothing is slowly driving me back into depression.

Im slowly sinking in quicksand, and it feels like no matter what i do, there is no escape.

Hiya Shattered_Rainbow
I'm sorry that you're in this situation, it must be very hard for you at this time. First of all though I want to give you a big *hug* for finding your faith. It's a huge step. Just remember that now you know that you're not alone. Jesus is always with you... I know sometimes its hard to accept that, but even if your family didn't accept you, you would never be alone.
I know how hard struggling with self-harm is. I also struggle daily. I am so proud that you've managed to get yourself out of the cycle, that is a real feat. I just want to encourage you to keep going.
My family are also not Christians. They don't mind me being a Christian but a lot of the time I think they'd rather I wasn't. They think I'm a bit weird really. It's not fun, but I just have to keep praying for them and hope they get saved too.
If you ever want to talk with someone a bit more, I'll be here, you can PM me or e-mail or whatever. It seems we have a little in common and I will try to help if I can.

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~hugs~

Thankyou.
It helps just to have someone that can understand what i'm going through. To know i'm not alone, sometimes it helps to be reminded

You're definitely not alone in this so don't think that you are. A lot of people go through similar sorts of things but some don't ever voice their concerns. Thankfully you have and it means you can get support, which I think we all need most of the time.
Just out of interest, why do you think your family's reaction will be so bad, is there any particular reason?
Also one more thing... Pray about it. God can do awesome things.

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My family is kind of weird. I remember when i was a child my mothers side of my family were protestants and my fathers side were catholics. Neither of my parents were especially devout but they both believed. Everytime someone died the family would get together to pray for them, i don't remember any of them ever doubting their religion.

Then when i was 7 my cousin killed himself. Some of my aunts and my grandparents found that this strengthened their faith, however, my family and the rest of my mothers side kept asking 'Why would God do this?' and they lost what little faith that they had.

My father was close enough to my cousin to lose his faith as well, and so he was shunned by his family because he wouldnt go to church and midnight mass, etc.

Now my father hates his family because they didnt understand and respect his beliefs, instead of supporting him when times were hard, they deserted him. He projects this onto most people who believe.
My mother isnt so bad, but she has little tolerance in people who believe, whatever their religion because she thinks they are blind and that God cannot exist amongst all the hatred and suffering in the world.

So, since i was 7 i've been brought up as an atheist/agnostic. Now that i'm a Theist i don't think they could understand or forget the past. My mother especially would feel as though i have betrayed her.

I do pray, alot. Though i never pray about my own problems, there are too many people out their that suffer more than me. I pray for them.

Awwww
That all does seem like a bit of a confusing mess. It's not fun to have all that go on in your family. I'm not really sure what to suggest you do, I certainly don't have all the answers.
As for your comment about praying for others but not yourself... I understand how you feel and I struggle with that too. I always feel selfish when I pray for myself. But just remember that you are a valid person and your problems are just as valid as the next person. We all need help sometimes, even if we don't like to admit it.
Try simply praying that God will show you what to do. He could even use this situation for his glory, you never know what God has planned. So try to trust him, even though I know how hard it is, and then see what happens.
My family are a little similar to yours I guess. My mum and dad were both bought up going to church and sunday school etc, but it all sort of fizzled out as they got into their teens. My mum's brother (my uncle) was a really solid believer until one of his friends was killed in an accident, and like your family, gave up his beliefs there are then.
Thankfully my aunt (mum's sister) is a strong believer, so although I hardly see her its nice to know there's someone in my family (apart from me and my sister) who are saved.
I was bought up to be neutral... I guess I never really thought about religion much. Then when I was about 7 my best friend invited me to church, and my parents thought it would be good to get some moral values into me. So they let me and my sister go. We never stopped going and I accepted God into my heart when I was 14, and was baptised at 16. My family attended, but they've never really supported me all that much. Especially my dad, we've had a number of discussions and arguments about it. I don't mind though. I know this is my choice.
I just found out a couple of weeks ago that my parents are probably seperating. This situation hurts like anything and I don't really know what to do. I've just got to trust God that he could use this situation to make one or both of my parents believers, or at least get something positive out of it.

I don't know quite what I'm trying to achieve by posting my testimony... Lol... I just hope you can find it helpful in some way. You're not alone.

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I am sorry to hear that your parents are seperating, i know friends who have gone through the same and it can be a hard time, I will pray that God may give you the strength to get you and your family through it,

It is hard at times to know that so few people that i care for are believers, yet knowing that i can pray for them often helps. Sometimes i feel selfish when i think of all that i have, to be worried about something like this when i know that i will be accepted and loved where they may not. If i must hide what i believe in until i leave home then perhaps that is not so bad, so long as i keep my faith and perhaps help them to find theirs.

Thankyou for telling your story here, it helped me to see things more clearly