It can be so difficult to bear one another's burden at times because sometimes it feels like you're not really doing anything to help. And in another way, as that person's burden becomes yours, you have to know when to let it go and relieve yourself of it - and let God sort it out. Otherwise, the pain can be too much.
I have a hard time understanding some people. Hell, I've studied enough on human behavior for how many years now and I still shake my head in disbelief sometimes. I wonder if I'll ever have some people even remotely figured out... like, just a little? It pains me to know that I can't slip into someone's mind and see how they think and what makes them feel. I don't know how to react anymore. I don't know how to help them. So, sometimes I feel like I'm so blase or indifferent to them and I don't like that, either. If I love you, I want to know how I can help. But, maybe that is just the classic human condition. We always think we can help and we want to believe that we carry within us the power to do it. But, don't we? Even a smidgeon?
I guess the proof is in the pudding and that maybe the whole goal here is to provide a good example. You can't fix anyone's problems and you can't change anyone but yourself... but the problem with that idea is that if you have the heart to help and the brains to guage and assess other things, when you can't do it for one or more people, it feels like you've failed.
I hate being judged for what I am so clearly not, but at the same time, those that matter the most are those that understand anyway. I guess that's what irks me so much about this problem. I should know and understand these people. I should have the history with them, enough to see what's going on. I guess there should be peace in knowing that, while I don't see and know all, God does. And where I fail is where He more than makes up for it.
Human beings can be so discouraging sometimes though. Gosh, it's like... There are times when I have so little patience, I wonder how God can ever tolerate the lot of us... or me, for that matter. We walk around sometimes like we have no responsibility and we have a HUGE amount of it just by being here. There was a time when I'd said that I must be too sensitive to be here. But, God knows what He's doing and there must be some plan. There must be some way. And in the darkness, I can't find my own path. I can scurry about, with my hands extended in front of me and reach out for what's not there... or take a hold of something that I probably should not. Or, I can use the brain that God gave me and flip on the light switch. I can rock myself in a fetal position in the darkest corners of my mind and wait there for some rescue, but if I don't seek out direction from the only thing that has ever brought me direction, I'm still left sitting there.
And yeah, I'll probably end up deleting this as I'd done the others. I miss being able to collect my thoughts in the stillness and quiet.
The corners of my eyes are so raw right now, from all the teary-eyed garbage this weekend. Allergies or something else. Whatever it is, it's a little obnoxious.
Also obnoxious is that I'm still waiting on whether or not I'll have a job next month. I wouldn't say I'm scared so much as I am just wanting to know for certain. The market looks worse and worse by the day and although I'm treading on thin ice, at least I'm on the ice, ya know? I understand that. But, that still won't stop me from looking and preparing myself should something hit the fan.
I have a lot of other garbage in my head these days; it's almost like one more thing might break my neck. The family drama isn't going away, which is just dumb to be quite honest. I have nothing to do with it anymore, so I almost wash my hands of it... but at the same time, I love my family and don't want to see any of them hurting or misunderstanding each other. We've received a huge blessing recently, all else be damned. I know that some people come to me in confidence for a reason. I don't mind being an emotional support, but at the same time, it blows that I just can't do anything to help. It isn't my situation, but I feel like it's my problem. Because when I walk away from it, even though my feet have moved me, my heart is still in the situation. I received some pretty disconcerting news recently, which just makes me all the more terrified of the reality of it all. I don't want a 3rd trip. I'm still praying about the 2nd one. But, again... not in my hands. And dad's age is catching up to him more... it's noticeable now... which terrifies me, as well.
School... I'm so embarrassed by how much I flaked out last semester. And I know why I did, too. And that's yet another thing I'm struggling with. I used to love school... now, I'm just wondering when it'll all be over with. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle - when I bother to fight at all. I'm not dumb... but I act pretty stupid sometimes. Needless to say, next semester will be one of humility, that's for sure.
Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto... but I'm going to have to let you go on and do your own thing. We both need to move on... and hopefully, onward and upward to where we both need to be. We can't grow together. And I'm sorry, but the friendship must be severed perhaps sooner than later for us to be in the place where we need to be. Separately.
For some reason, I'm thinking about Linkin Park's In the End lyrics. Specifically, the part about not recognizing myself anymore.
After my last relationship... or I should say, during... I stopped being able to recognize myself. Other people saw me as this flaky woman who just could not get her stuff together to save her life. I lost myself. Normally, when I'm with someone, I naturally do lose a part of myself to that other person - that part being selfishness. That person becomes an important focus. Although I may not be exactly as I used to be, I don't normally die to myself so completely.
I believe in sacrifice for the sake of another. I believe in selfless love. But, I also believe that when you are with the right person, you don't die to things that make sense to you. You don't die to the things that make you who you are. You don't just lay back and let it all happen to you, get comfortable and roll around in the mud. You fight for it; for what really matters... if it is worth fighting for at all.
You don't just die inside.
I feel like that's what I've done for the past few years. I feel like I've died so much and so many times over, I really don't recognize myself at all anymore. Physically, I look so different. I was so very stressed out in my last relationship, I'd actually started seeing some grey hairs. It's difficult to tell with my black hair though; sometimes, it just looks like shiny black hair and not shiny grey. I've gained weight; which, while normal to a certain extent in relationships, is not what I want for myself. I remember being able to wear a bikini and feel comfortable. Now? You've got to be kidding - which is a shame because I have a few cute suits. I'm also a lot more scared than I used to be. Maybe that's just my age catching up to me, I don't know. I'm afraid to take risks. I'm afraid to venture out on my own... or too lazy to, I haven't decided. I remember going to the parks or to the beach all by myself; maybe meet someone, maybe not. I remember a lot of things that I no longer do anymore that had satisfied a part of me that is so hungry and so desperate for fuel right now.
It's starving. That part of me deep down inside that needs what it needs.
I feel so many things tonight, but mostly I feel numb. I'm angry, frustrated, piiissed, scared, alone, confused, sad, blessed, hopeful, content and yet... nothing at all. I have so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in this vortex of a soul. I feel like I can't do anything right, that I've disappointed people and it's all my fault. I can change...
I actually care about those things.. because I care about those people. Family. Friends. You should care about them. I feel that I can never and will never measure up. I feel awkward and stifled... like a bird in a straightjacket. I feel like I'm 16 again and God, I never want to feel like I did back then.
I feel unworthy of the blessings that I do have. That I'm a pretty crappy person, unworthy of even being called a human, muchless someone worthy of love. I've let a lot of people down in my life and some things, although forgiven by them are things that I don't forgive myself for. I feel like I fill a role for people; I have my place and my duty... do it and move on. I'm almost okay with that. But, it doesn't feel right inside. I want more... because there was a time when I had more.
I'm saddened because even though this isn't the first time, it still sucks. And always will. I can't even think of a 3rd time... or however many we've gone through so far; the potential for more. I feel like he doesn't want me there. Supporting him. But, that's okay because my role is filled in his absence and in that way, I support him. I enjoy that role. I relish in it. I feel like the connection we once had is gone and doesn't come back.. it has in the past and maybe I just need to get my head out of the sand (or whathaveyou) and deal with these insecurities or whatever ball of confusion is stuck in my head right now. Sounds so emo and self-absorbed. Whoa is me. I hate all this crap because the love should supersede everything else. I guess this is just what I look like when I have every single emotion under the sun upon my heart, crushing my vertebrae upon impact.
I feel like I'm in "that" crowd, in "that" group and once in, I will never get out. I'm also mad about that, too. I don't understand... but then again, maybe I do. Maybe it's just a huge communication issue; in which case, I really don't know what to say.
It's like I'm grasping at straws, trying to make sense out of the chaos. I might be able to someday and these thoughts, this confusion will pass away under the night.
The financial aid stuff appears to be in the works and I will receive my award letter shortly. It seems that I will get enough aid with more that can be carried over to next semester. I'm EXCITED to start full-time next year. Even more excited to get my bum on out of college sooner than later. I'm already considering an overload of credits next year, so that way I can graduate in 2 yrs, rather than 5. This semester is all about me pulling up my GPA and giving me a relaxed start back into school. It feels like I haven't been there in a really long time. Thank you to everyone who's prayed for me about this -- even if you will never read this. I thank you.
Once I start school, I'm going to be more diligent about my work out routine. I want to build up more energy and feel better about my appearance before I start to sag into my socks. EWWW. Anyway...
My small business venture, though still in the birthing stages, is coming along. I'm excited and still brainstorming all the different options I have. I'll have to come up with a concrete business plan, but that can wait for a bit. I'm leaving myself a doable window and by God's grace, I can see my dream transforming into a reality. I thank God for people who've encouraged me. Seriously. Sometimes, God knows I need a kick in the bum to get going, but once I do....
Wow, so I guess this is what it's like when doves procrastinate, huh. I haven't added to this thing in awhile.
I guess it's all for the best. What I do have to update on is not that great.
Long story short, I feel like a huge weight is upon me and I can't get out from underneath it. It isn't even about backsliding; I don't even think that would properly convey how this feels. I've been there before and this isn't it.
I hate that I'd said months ago that I need to do something drastic and I have yet to do that. I mean, drastic for me is something pretty out there that I may regret later. I'm 30 though, can I do that?
I have that stupid Silversun Pickups song in my head. I heard it today and couldn't help but think how accurate those last few lyrics are when compared to how I feel. I don't mean in some ridiculously bleak way, but.. it sounds kind of nice. Even though the lyrics make me laugh and I can't really sing it because it sounds so silly... I still like it... because I feel it.
I'm waiting and fading and floating away...
I think I need to float away. Not from life, but in order to live it, I must.
I'm in a bit of a "hate myself" moment right now... and I hate that I am. I made a stupid mistake and now, I've lost something that meant a lot to me. I know it seems dumb and it is trivial and ridiculous and... materialistic, even, but still. I made that mistake and now, it cannot be found. My dad bought it for me on one of our artsy excursions. I didn't want him to because I said that I'd pay for it, but he wanted to. Parents. I could cry and a part of me wants to. I remember asking the vendor specifically if she'd had a website because I always like to check to see if I can sort of "follow" an artist online at the very least if I really enjoy their work. She doesn't. Or course not. I think a part of me would still hurt because I'd lost the original though. Gad, it's not like a pet or something, some living creature.. it's a thing, but still. I feel like crap about it.
So meanwhile, I'll Google the hell out of this artist, wipe my tears, wash my face and go on with...
I don't want it to be another 5 months before I have something positive to share in here.
I am worried. I'm worried about my dad. I'm worried about my uncle. I'm worried about my job. I'm worried about my car. And I hate that I'm worrying about the unimportant crap. Just worrying about my family is enough. I don't know who reads this, but if you know me from the good ole' days or whatever, if you could please just pray for my family's health and safety, I would be so grateful. I feel like today was a day from hell.. and the week isn't even over yet.
Thank you.
Last edited by white dove; 19th November 2009 at 01:29 AM.
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