Confessions of a Catholic Girl

GRRRRRR!!!! GA ppl. are dissing me again!!!!!

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

Rosa's lost. She is so, so lost.

That's all I have to say.

I am so thankful I have a belief system. I don't know what I'd do w/o it.

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

"Love...love will tear us apart...again." (Joy Division). I could never understand/identify w/ this song before. Now I can...

You know, this whole preoccupation I have w/ converting others makes me think of a great saint whose prayers eventually helped to bring about the conversion of the great St. Augustine.

St. Monica, pray for me...

***

Hey, I just thought of something. I've been debating posting my life story in the Testimonies forum (still undecided about this). If anyone here would be interested in reading it, please let me know.

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

Okay, my mother just had to come in the middle of posting my very sad entry. I don't want to post it again. All I will say is that I can't see myself ever reaching D. Ever. He's happy as an atheist. I know he wishes he could be Catholic b/c he knows it would make me happy, but he definitely doesn't believe in the existence of any sort of deity. I wish he hadn't figured out that I would like for him to convert. He wasn't upset w/ me or anything upon finding this out. He felt very sad that he couldn't give me what I wanted. I don't know why he wished to date a Catholic woman. I feel like such a pitiful example. I know that God put me on this earth to be an example for others, but I've never been able to reach anyone spiritually (except my scummy ex-friend, but he was already Catholic, so big deal). So much for carrying out His mission for me...

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

Okay, I'm back.

I've started posting my life story in the Testimonies forum. It's over 80% complete. If you haven't read it yet, I'm inviting you to! I can almost guarantee that you'll find it to be positively captivating!

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

What good luck: I'm moving into my apartment next month. I actually got a place set up for me.

What bad luck: My entire family is giving me sh*t for it. All they do whenever they have a free moment is tell me what a screw up I am for not going back to school and continuing to work part-time. And, to make things worse, they all hate my boyfriend, even though they haven't met him yet. Of course, they don't even know that he and I are going out- they think we're still just friends. I don't look forward to telling them. They're gonna hate me even more. The problem is, my bf and I work together, and my mom and sis both work for the same employer as me (though not in the same bldg.). They think he'll spread gossip to other employees about them or something, so therefore, we shouldn't hang out. It's like no one wants us to see each other. Everyone is against us! No one is happy for us. Of course, neither D. or I are idealists, so we know that we may not last (due to religious differences mostly). I'm hurting so bad- I don't want to lose him b/c of my family. If we aren't meant to be, then I don't want it to be b/c my family tore us apart.

Guys, do you think I'm messed up? Do you think I'm a screw up b/c I'm not in school and don't give a rat's behind about social status like the rest of my family does? Do you think I'm stupid b/c I'm saving myself from abuse? Please, someone tell me!

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

No one loves me, this I know.
For my family tells me so.

Well, not in those words, but their actions are indicative of this fact.
I feel like my family has a higher authority than God much of the time. I suppose some might say this kind of statement is disrespectful, but when you're abused, it can almost kill your relationship w/ Jesus.

Oh, Beautiful Saviour, stay w/ me. I need You in my time of need.

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

It hurts, okay? Everything just bloody well hurts. I can't even feel a moment's joy, b/c this is not allowed me. I'm trying to remain grateful to God for helping me find a place (thank you, Sweet Jesus ), but I'm still in paiiinnnnnn. For anyone here who's never been abused: you have no idea how lucky you are. I do, though. I'd trade places w/ you any day, just to experience genuine familial love. But I'll never have that. No matter how badly I want this, God will not give this to me. There is a reason for this, I'm sure, but I really wish He hadn't placed me in an abusive home. I'm a mistake, okay? Nothing more than a bloody mistake! My parents' marriage should have never occurred; therefore, I have no right to exist.

I am nothing!!!!

Oh- and I hate my parents! Hate them, hate them, hate them for all the misery they've caused me! And all the false guilt they've instilled in me. How can God love me if my parents don't? They don't love me; love does not abuse, threaten, belittle or manipulate!!!!!

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

I'm off to Confession and then dish shopping.

Wish me luck, guys. And pray for for me.

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll

D@mn her for doing this to me!!!!!

My mother will not leave me alone. She keeps telling me what an awful place I've chosen. She keeps instilling false guilt in me. She tells me that she "has tried everything I can to make life more bearable here." That's f____g
bullsh!t!!! She has neglected me. She refused to save me from abuse at every possible freaking opportunity. I hate what she is doing to me!!!!!

Guys, I need an objective opinion here: do you think my mother is the poor, victimized saintly woman that she claims to be? Was I wrong about her all along? Do you think I'm exaggerating the seriousness of my situation? Or am I the one who's right. Please, someone let me know!!!!

***

On an upnote, my bf and I shared our first kiss today. It was awkward, yet beautiful at the same time. He loves me; he told me so himself. He said: "Even if we break up, I will still love you as my friend." See, he's not scum like my family says he is, and I have many different pieces of evidence to back this up. My family doesn't know of our involvement. I'm gonna wait to tell them, but if I feel I never can, then I think I will end the relationship. D@mn them for ruining my love life! My sis thinks it's disgusting that I associate w/ a guy who's a decade my senior. I do not. I have a friend who's engaged to a guy who's ten years her senior. I don't think it's disgusting at all.

Does anyone here think otherwise?

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"God so loved the world that he made up his mind to damn a large majority of the human race." — Robert G. Ingersoll