Ex-wife wants to meet

olds8598 said:

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olds8598 said:

It has been a while since I have been here. Greetings to everyone . I'm hoping to get helpful advice.

Last night I got a snail-mailed letter from my ex-wife. Today is 21 years my mother has passed. As I was getting the key for the mailbox, I jokingly said I would drop down dead if I got a letter from my former spouse at this time of remembering my mom. When I opened the mailbox I yelled "Oh my God!" The second envelope from the top was hers. I guess I should have 'drop down dead.'

It was a response to a snail-mail letter of mine two months ago. Actually it was two letters from June. My letters were primarily letting her know I was still getting mail for her mom even though she promised me she did the address change two years ago. I also mentioned that my beloved physician had died from cancer.

She did not mention anything about Mom. She was heartbroken to hear about my doctor and that her own also had a similar cancer. She told me any further of her mom's mail could be thrown out. Then she asked to "please" meet her at our old NYC subway stop. She asked if I remember the money her brother borrowed 15 years ago and never paid back.

My story: In early 2011 I was downsized from my job. A year later I was unable to find a job, the unemployment ran out, and I was on the verge of being evicted. In February 2012 I asked her to ask her brother if I could move in with his family while she moved in with her mom (the parental apartment was not big enough for both of us, and I had spent many a weekend over the decade old marriage at this brother's with his youngest daughter considering me a second father.) He said yes. On April 22, 2012--my personal 9/11--my wife, who was at her parents' that weekend caring for them, called me and said they changed their mind. I couldn't move in (even though there was room and they had done the same thing for a friend and her two children a year prior). I asked my wife what was the reason for this change especially since it was known I was in dire straits. She said they didn't give her a reason. Incredulously I asked what did she say in my defense. She said, "You want me to argue with my family? It's their apartment." I was shocked, hurt, etc. I declared we were separated. A week later I had an epiphany while asleep, the Lord telling me to forgive my wife, his brother and his wife. I went to see her at her parents' and said I was willing to forgive, wipe the slate clean for all three. She said she wanted a divorce, no longer wanted a man in her life, and was moving back in with her parents. (I am now 51 and she will be 56) this year. Again astounded I asked "I'm willing to forgive and you're not willing to meet me half-way?" She said no.

In a subsequent phone call, she admitted that she had often put her family before me/the marriage throughout the years. I knew this and it was also a grievance with her. I told her I didn't want the divorce and she would have to pay for it. In May 2012 I again offered an olive branch, believing God wanted me to make this offer. I told her this call was Divinely based and it did not guarantee a reconciliation but I was willing to come to the table. She declined the offer.

Re: the pending eviction. God Himself saved me from that! Through neighbors, friends, and non-blood relatives I got help, especially a job. BTW: My family also 'fled like Judas' too. I got no moral, financial, etc. support from cousins, aunts, and uncles.

I had called her in November 2012 to see how much she had saved. She hadn't saved anything but said nothing about not wanting the divorce. Early the following year I saw her as a literal drag on my life and changed my mind about funding the divorce. In March 2013 I started the divorce proceedings through the union of my job. Since we didn't have children, this would be a relatively easy process. It was. When she was served, at no time during the proceedings did she ever tried to contact my attorney or me. She never got her own lawyer. August 2013 were legally divorced.

The irony that we were officially divorced three years ago to the month that she wants to see me is INCREDIBLE!

In 2014 I saw the movie Unbroken. It touched me in such way because it helped me with a self-defeating attitude I had for twenty years. My wife saw me struggled and was always supportive with this. Also the movie reminded me of her and her family. The main character, a WWII vet, had forgvien his Japanese captors. I had forgiven late the prior year in my mind and with God as part of my own healing from the divorce. I decided to write to my ex/snail mail about the movie and its connection to my old mindset and my forgiving her. She replied within a week, happy for me about the self-improvement. Even though I stated to her she and her family were forgiven, she asked for forgiveness. She also gave me her cell #. I wrote back declining her cell phone offer, saying my girlfriend uses my cell. She in turn wrote back saying she was happy I had a girlfriend and she gave her # "in case of an emergency."

I didn't have a girlfriend then or now. I have grown quite accustomed to being alone. I am happy not having a gf. I briefly tried a dating service for a month. It went no where and I was ok with that. I spend my money and time on the best person I know: me!

So for the past two years we have written/snail-mailed each other 2-3 times per year.
I made mine minimally informative with a distant tone, and usually because I kept getting her mom's stuff. I forget if in that "cell phone" letter or another after that had another request for "pardon" (her word.) In another letter she mentioned the family of that brother still loved me. I have been thinking about and missing that youngest daughter. I remember one of her replies was almost two months after my letter.

Last night's letter was also almost two months since my letters. Here's the thing about it: she could easily write a check or money order and mail it to me. Heck, she could have included the check/money order in that letter. What's so important about meeting me to give me this money at our old subway haunt?

So here we are, August 9, 2016. Around two years ago I decided that I never wanted her back in my life under no circumstance: friend, lover, and definitely no marriage sequel. I still happily maintain this attitude. I jokingly say that if it was a choice between jumping a cactus or seeing her, I'd ask "How far away is the cactus?"

I believe my choices are: (1) ignore her letter and if she writes again tell her to mail me the money or just forget about it because there's no reason for us to meet, (2) respond now with the specific "why meet?", or (3) meet her. I dread and have dreaded the possibility of (3). There's WAY, WAY too many emotions--positive and negative--involved with that. I don't want to go through the emotional wringer; in fact, I don't want her to go through it too.

Last night as I fell asleep I decided I would do (1). I felt extremely at peace with this. I felt this is what God wanted. Then a customer of mine came in today and was relaying her harrowing experiences which included a divorce. I felt such a religious/spiritual bond with this woman she gave me her #. I want to speak to her about my situation, but I am afraid she will advocate me meeting my ex.

What say you?

Thank you.

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olds8598 said:

Thursday and Friday I briefly debated whether to send my ex-wife a reply letter. I was/am sincerely happy for her upcoming wedding. I also wanted to send my condolences about the death of her physician. (She had mentioned that first before she went on her childlike ramble.) I decided not to mail anything.

Then this morning while doing the laundry and mapping out stuff for work, I reconsidered sending the reply. I decided to write it and would determine by tonight whether to send it or not. I prayed for guidance on this decision.

In my letter I asked for pardon for writing to her. (She asked me not to anymore.) I really wanted to wish her well. The letter was genuine congratulations for her upcoming marriage and condolences for the death of her doctor. Like mine who passed away over 3 months ago, the culprit was cancer.

To keep the tone of the letter light, I copied a congratulatory wedding graphic. My original intention was a simple “Congratulations on your wedding” with bells. When I was searching online I came across a different graphic, which I ended up using. It was much cuter and more colorful with a bride standing next to greeting card with the words “Best wishes on your wedding day” on it.

Besides sincerely wishing her well with her new husband (though I speculate if this is true because of her snappish reply to my rejecting her request to meet me in person), I wanted to sincerely and subtly let her know I do not want her back in my life.

My decision? I decided to send it. I felt/feel peaceful about it.

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