My wife and I have been married for almost 6 years. We have 2 young children. About 2 weeks ago my wife told me she wanted a divorce. It came as a big blow to me. Now there are many reasons she cited for wanting this. We have had many issues throughout our marriage. About 2 and a half years ago I spent about a month texting a girl that I dated in high school. I seriously questioned our marriage at that point but my wife gave me time and I realized how much I loved my wife and wanted to be with her. My wife has not forgiven me for this and anytime it is brought up she tells me that she can't and probably will never forgive me again. I understand I broke her trust and completely messed up. When told of her wanting a divorce she also spoke of my lazy attitude towards our marriage and my condescending and sometimes downright mean behavior. Every point that my wife made is valid. She's absolutely right. I have failed her as a husband. Since she told me of her thoughts I have done a ton of reflection. I have tried to change a few things in my life. I love my wife. I cannot believe it took me this long to see how badly I have hurt her. I cannot believe it took us getting to this point to wake me up. I want to stay in this marriage. She does talk to me and has told me that she does see that I've been trying to do better. This hasn't changed her mind. She says she's done and doesn't care anymore. She has brought up every little thing I've ever done to try and bolster her case. I feel like no matter what I do I am not getting anywhere. She has hardened her heart towards me and no matter what I do it isnt enough. We sleep in separate beds but we do periodically talk throughout the day. She has talked to me on numerous occasions about things explaining her thoughts and feelings. I'm at a loss though. I don't want our marriage to end. I know most of the problems in our marriage have been my fault but her refusal to forgive anything hasn't helped. I'm just curious if anyone can offer me any advice on what I need to be doing or what my next step should be. Thanks in advance.
Need Some Advice
- Thread starter Andrew Lykins
- Start date
Hi Andrew,
Thanks for sharing during such a difficult time.
My wife moved out six months ago and has filed for divorce. We are in similar situations, I believe there can be restoration and growth but she does not.
Anyway, I can only speak from my experience and what I have done to connect with God improve myself etc.
First: I connected with some older brothers in the faith and confessed my sin. Some of these fellows are married, single and divorced. It was helpful gaining perspective on how they had successfully won their marriage back and how God blessed them years later. Although I cannot speak from someone who is on the "other side" yet I can speak that gaining many perspectives has helped me connect with God better.
Second: Go to your church counseling or a Christian counselor. My wife said similar things and even said I was manipulative and narcissistic. I know I am flawed and my counselor has helped me see my blind spots. I am now working through ways to treat my wife and others without being controlling or manipulative. Taking this self assessment has helped me connect with God so much better than I ever had in my life.
Third: Know you cannot control your wife. As much as you want the marriage to stand she is still an individual and has free will to make decisions regarding your marriage. I have now turned all my thoughts of frustration of my wife into prayers. Pray for her every day, every hour. There may be lies the Enemy is feeding her that need to destroyed with intercession. Only the Holy Spirit can convict and bring about forgiveness. Pray her heart would be softened to His doing and that she be empowered to forgive. Pray, pray pray. Ask your church to be put on the prayer chain, submit online prayer requests. Do everything you can to make sure you and especially your wife are COMPLETELY showered in prayer.
Four: Look at your flaws and see them for what they are: the past.
You have made mistakes but that is not who you are.
You have failed but you're not a failure.
You have deceived but you're not a deceived.
You are an adopted son of the Most High King. You are loved right there. God loves your wife so much and wants to see her thrive as the woman. wife, mother that God has intended her to be. Pray blessing on her to be these things.
Hang on, pray often, love always.
And lastly, think extra long in these times before you speak. An emotional outburst may send your wife in fight or flight mode and really damage the marriage.
Praying for you right now Andrew.
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Hotinco
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[QUOTE=" I don't want our marriage to end."
[/QUOTE]
You need to get professional help at this point either a marriage counsellor or marriage facilitator.
It is great you don;t want to give up and you need to hold on to that passion. You also have to remember for her this has been a long slow death and recovery will not be instantaneous.
None of this is in lieu of professional help, but here are some things you can do
1) Take your wife on a date - ask her out, make a reservation, bring her flowers, whatever that looks like to her.
2) Ask her to share quality time with you, give her your full attention and spend quality time with her. Go for a walk, sit on the porch and just talk about anything. Spend time getting to know each other all over again
3) Have open and honest dialog with her - not fights, not arguments but open and honest listening and responding in a loving manner.
You need her to remember why she loved you and she needs to fall in love with you again. None of this will be easy as she is coming from a position of hurt and she will not want to open herself up to being hurt again.
The Number one thing you can do is PRAY - pray for your marriage, pray for your wife, pray for guidance, wisdom and peace in the situation.
[/QUOTE]
You need to get professional help at this point either a marriage counsellor or marriage facilitator.
It is great you don;t want to give up and you need to hold on to that passion. You also have to remember for her this has been a long slow death and recovery will not be instantaneous.
None of this is in lieu of professional help, but here are some things you can do
1) Take your wife on a date - ask her out, make a reservation, bring her flowers, whatever that looks like to her.
2) Ask her to share quality time with you, give her your full attention and spend quality time with her. Go for a walk, sit on the porch and just talk about anything. Spend time getting to know each other all over again
3) Have open and honest dialog with her - not fights, not arguments but open and honest listening and responding in a loving manner.
You need her to remember why she loved you and she needs to fall in love with you again. None of this will be easy as she is coming from a position of hurt and she will not want to open herself up to being hurt again.
The Number one thing you can do is PRAY - pray for your marriage, pray for your wife, pray for guidance, wisdom and peace in the situation.
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NicoleWilliams
Active Member
Oh, I am so sorry to hear about the pain in your marriage, brother. Certainly, circumstances such as you described are never easy, and I know you must be hurting right now. Even I think it would be a good idea if you and your wife seek marriage counseling before giving up. There are many Christian counselors who are available to listen and pray with you. I’ll certainly be praying for you, as well. May our Heavenly Father comfort you daily with evidences of His great love and compassion (Lamentations 3:22-23). Just hang in there, it will all be fine soon!
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