How to deal with a person with Personality Disorders

Cheryl Hill · Aug 1, 2016

I am writing because I work with someone who seems to have a personality disorder. She is nice only when she wants something. The rest of the time she is down right mean in her dealings with me and others. She calls me names and she is very aggressive toward me. I never remember offending her. I have given her plants, clothes, and a variety of other things. I am coming up on my 5 year anniversary at work and I believe she is trying to get me to quit. I have seen her exhibit this behavior toward other people.

Lily76_ · Aug 1, 2016

Not all Bpd are like that she just sounds like she is rude
I have BPD and i make sure am polite and never get into fights
she sounds like she has her own agenda and seems to want to make your life as hard as possible
can you talk to your boss about her
your boss must of had dealing with her does he feel the same
you need to speak up if she is being abusive she shouldn't be getting away with it at all

I hope you dont think that all people with BPD are they same
there is a lot of sigma about BPD maybe you can read up on the condition

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

_Lily_ said:
Not all Bpd are like that she just sounds like she is rude
I have BPD and i make sure am polite and never get into fights
she sounds like she has her own agenda and seems to want to make your life as hard as possible
can you talk to your boss about her
your boss must of had dealing with her does he feel the same
you need to speak up if she is being abusive she shouldn't be getting away with it at all

I hope you dont think that all people with BPD are they same
there is a lot of sigma about BPD maybe you can read up on the condition

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Thanks... yes I have talked to my employer... He actually tries to get her to stop. But she will not agree to any compromise. It kind of came to me today that she would like her own office... he is not

Catherineanne · Aug 2, 2016

Cheryl Hill said:
I am writing because I work with someone who seems to have a personality disorder. She is nice only when she wants something. The rest of the time she is down right mean in her dealings with me and others. She calls me names and she is very aggressive toward me. I never remember offending her. I have given her plants, clothes, and a variety of other things. I am coming up on my 5 year anniversary at work and I believe she is trying to get me to quit. I have seen her exhibit this behavior toward other people.

Some people are toxic, whether or not they are actually personality disordered.

A quick search will produce strategies for dealing with such toxic people. You may well find that your attempts to be nice are interpreted as weakness, and that in turn leads to her despising you, so a first step might well be to stop trying to be nice. Switch into 'work' mode, rather than 'friends', stick 100% to the job in hand, and only engage in discussion which relates to it. She doesn't deserve anything else. Tell her absolutely nothing at all that is personal, only talk about work and only do that if you absolutely must. She will use anything she can against you, so don't give her any information at all.

Another strategy which might help is 'grey rock'; this says it is for dealing with psychopaths, but it works with other toxic people as well; turn into the most boring, dull version of yourself you can create. They will eventually get bored and start to pick on someone else instead.

http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Meanwhile, quietly look around for another job; life is too short to spend with such people.

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Thanks for the insight _Lily_said... My boss is pretty supportive, but it does not seem to change things. Like I said it is a small office he has offer to build a wall between us? Kind of silly but she wants her own office and I believe this is why she is pretending that I am horrible to her. It is just really a weird situation. I thought maybe Narcisistic? spelling. My concern is how to keep my behavior in check because this is beyond belief.

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Catherineanne said:
Some people are toxic, whether or not they are actually personality disordered.

A quick search will produce strategies for dealing with such toxic people. You may well find that your attempts to be nice are interpreted as weakness, and that in turn leads to her despising you, so a first step might well be to stop trying to be nice. Switch into 'work' mode, rather than 'friends', stick 100% to the job in hand, and only engage in discussion which relates to it. She doesn't deserve anything else. Tell her absolutely nothing at all that is personal, only talk about work and only do that if you absolutely must. She will use anything she can against you, so don't give her any information at all.

Another strategy which might help is 'grey rock'; this says it is for dealing with psychopaths, but it works with other toxic people as well.

http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Meanwhile, quietly look around for another job; life is too short to spend with such people.

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

That is exactly where everything is at... Unfortunately she likes to run people off. It gives her a sense of power. I really feel for the owner of this company.

Catherineanne · Aug 2, 2016

Cheryl Hill said:
That is exactly where everything is at... Unfortunately she likes to run people off. It gives her a sense of power. I really feel for the owner of this company.

Can you talk to the owner? It sounds as if she is not good for the company to have around.

And you could try this site for advice and strategies.

https://captainawkward.com/

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Catherineanne said:
Can you talk to the owner? It sounds as if she is not good for the company to have around.

And you could try this site for advice and strategies.

https://captainawkward.com/

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

I really can talk to him... I understand that he would like to keep her and I understand why. She is not bad at her job, she is quiet childish in her behaviors. I really pray about this and I am searching for guidance in that a person can only take so much.

Catherineanne · Aug 2, 2016

Cheryl Hill said:
I really can talk to him... I understand that he would like to keep her and I understand why. She is not bad at her job, she is quiet childish in her behaviors. I really pray about this and I am searching for guidance in that a person can only take so much.

If she is making you feel as if she wants you to leave, if she is talking unkindly to you and belittling you, and if you are not the first person this has happened to, then she is indeed bad at her job.

The problem here is your innate goodness; you can't believe the evidence of your own experiences, and you are making excuses and allowances for her. Some people simply do not deserve that kind of consideration.

Calling you names is verbal abuse. Treating people meanly is abuse. Trying to force you to leave is constructive dismissal.

Find the right words for what she is actually doing, and then talk to the company owner.

Catherineanne · Aug 2, 2016

Cheryl Hill said:
Thanks... yes I have talked to my employer... He actually tries to get her to stop. But she will not agree to any compromise. It kind of came to me today that she would like her own office... he is not

Your employer has a duty to ensure you have a working environment free from personal abuse. If he is too nice to do that, and you are too nice to ask for it, then there is really no surprise if your colleague assumes control and does exactly what she wants to do. If nobody stops her she will escalate and get worse; that is inevitable.

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Well Catherineanne I have actually taken a very serious stand... Every time she is uncivil I tell her "You don't speak to me in that manner" or "How many times must I tell you take it to management because I won't even hear it". On Monday she had an audience when I walked in the office she got very aggressive in front of this person. After he left I told her in front of the Owner "Don't you ever talk to me like that again" He then explained to her that there needs to be a level of professionalism. The problem with all of this is--- What would Jesus do? I feel myself becoming resentful and anxious. I have started looking for another job... however this job is perfect my partner is very very very ill and I can take him to his Dr. Appt and such. I have told my employer I am looking because I would not want to hurt him in anyway. He is a very nice person and I appreciate him immensely. I really appreciate our conversation here because just talking to someone helps... At times I feel like I am losing it. Thanks Catherineanne

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Catherineanne said:
Some people are toxic, whether or not they are actually personality disordered.

A quick search will produce strategies for dealing with such toxic people. You may well find that your attempts to be nice are interpreted as weakness, and that in turn leads to her despising you, so a first step might well be to stop trying to be nice. Switch into 'work' mode, rather than 'friends', stick 100% to the job in hand, and only engage in discussion which relates to it. She doesn't deserve anything else. Tell her absolutely nothing at all that is personal, only talk about work and only do that if you absolutely must. She will use anything she can against you, so don't give her any information at all.

Another strategy which might help is 'grey rock'; this says it is for dealing with psychopaths, but it works with other toxic people as well; turn into the most boring, dull version of yourself you can create. They will eventually get bored and start to pick on someone else instead.

http://180rule.com/the-gray-rock-method-of-dealing-with-psychopaths/

Meanwhile, quietly look around for another job; life is too short to spend with such people.

Cheryl Hill · Aug 2, 2016

Unfortunately I am the only other person in the office. Thanks for the article... anything helps

bhsmte · Aug 3, 2016

Cheryl Hill said:
That is exactly where everything is at... Unfortunately she likes to run people off. It gives her a sense of power. I really feel for the owner of this company.

She just might be a jerk.

There are specifically behavior criteria one must meet to be considered to have a personality disorder. Some folks are quite easy to put into personality disorder categories by looking at their behavior. Others, can be quite difficult as not all folks with personality disorders, have the same dominant behaviors.

dayhiker · Aug 16, 2016

I just read this thread. Doesn't sound like fun to work with this person, Cheryl.

I'm glad you took a stand. I still don't understand why your boss is putting up with this. Even to the point of you leaving to keep her.
Also work on not taking anything that she says personally. Its her sickness or what ever that is speaking thru her and not an attack on you.

Tull · Aug 29, 2016

It might be best to find another job if possible,sounds like the "boss" isn't much of a manager either.....pretty gutless,most people like him wont do anything to anyone unless they offend them personally,there simply isn't any discipline or accountability anymore and everybody has an excuse and those excuses are for the most part accepted.

juergen · Dec 8, 2016

If one hypothetically assumes that she is the manipulative and cunning type, it would make sense that the boss is feeling threatened by her in some way. Perhaps she has created a situation in which she has something on him.

Not saying that it is that way. But she clearly has her superior conform to her behavior, which is pretty strange.

How to deal with a person with Personality Disorders

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