I Attract Abusive Men

I'm just going to throw this out there, but have you sought counseling? It might help you identify what it is about you that draws in abusive men and allow you to change it.

If I had done that I might have avoided (essentially) marrying the same person twice, even though the second hid it for a bit longer.

Really two years isn't a long time.

I have had the same problem in the past, and what I think the issue is that people who are abusive, be it romantic relationship or friendship or even family, they tend to latch on to people quickly and progress through relationship fast and become possessive. If you fall for someone too fast, who pushes you into a relationship faster than it can develop in a healthy way, then you are likely with an abusive person. They know you are easy to control or take advantage of because you let them go as far as they want, as quickly as they want. If a relationship of any kind is moving faster than you can get to know someone, then it's too fast. Put on the breaks to slow down. If they don't like that, then get out.

I don't understand what abusive guys get out of abusing people. So I don't know.
I listened to David Data and he says there are there stages. The 1st is we don't set boundaries and others take advantage of us. 2nd we set boundaries to protect ourself. Once we are healed we only attract other healthy people.

Jam3b - I really liked what you said, I'd not heard that explained before and I can see how some one pushing the relationship fast starts to give them control right from the beginning. Thanks for sharing that insight.

Have you ever heard of the web site, meetup.com ... way to meet people that are interested in the same things as you are in a group setting.
I've been going to them for years.

Sunshine158 said:

Luckily I see the red flags and get out but why can't I meet a nice guy?

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Because you aren't attracted to nice guys.

Nice guys aren't socially adept, which is a turn off for most women.

Sunshine158 said:

I do know I am lonely. It's hard being single after being married. I really miss making breakfast on my day off with someone. I miss cooking dinner with someone. I often go places by myself because all of my friends are married or have significant others which make for busy lives. I'm really tired of doing things by myself.

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I would like to echo that two years really isn't that long. You sound as if you are a little desperate to be in a relationship and if so then perhaps that allows unhealthy choices.

Friends being married and busy can make it difficult. Have you talked to any of your friends about doing more with them. I'm lucky in that I managed to find a good support network. I also have two friends who are also single parents like me and we catch up without out kids each school holidays and other times with kids. It was still tough and one set of school holidays I had a meltdown. As a result one of my friends now takes me out for dinner every school holidays (toughest time for me when son is at his mum's).

I also want to encourage you to look on meetup if you haven't already. Try and find a group that is not about dating but just being friends.

I work 6pm to 6am and have Wedsneday through Saturday off. A woman that I hit it off with works Monday through Saturday, so we have been chatting occasionally at work but have yet to actually go on a date in two months since learning we were both attracted to each other. It is frustrating, but I am learning patience...

sunshine ... learning that those guys are the wrong guys shows to me that your well on your way.
You probably already know that it take a long time to build character.
Yes, since you are on a strange schedule it will take longer. But something will work if you keep looking.

Sunshine158 said:

I hate it. I'm good at spotting it now but I attract abusive men. I'm tired of it. I never let it get too far but every man I meet that I might be interested in is abusive. Luckily I see the red flags and get out but why can't I meet a nice guy? Someone who wants to like me for me instead of some guy who just wants to have relations with me and boss me around. So so tired of this...

I've been single for two years after my divorce. It's hard living alone. I really want to find my best friend.

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What personality type are you attracted to ? I hear women all the time say they are attracted to confidence,sense of humor etc and those things are fine but sometimes personality traits have a dark side,the guy who is the life of the party and has that winning smile might not always be the best choice just like the best looking woman may not be,believe me I know that to be true.

There might be somebody for you who is a little quieter and a little less outgoing but would realy come to life once you got to know them.....just a suggestion.

Try just letting yourself heal...just start off slow and try to make single friends.

It's funny that all the guys you meet are abusive. Always good to check yourself first. Are you doing something to bring that out of them. To blame them is like you're saying you're good and proper but they're not. You will find what ever you look for in a person good or bad. Are you too submissive or too demanding.

rickster said:

Because you aren't attracted to nice guys.

Nice guys aren't socially adept, which is a turn off for most women.

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LOL..not socially adept...lol

I'm a nice guy and extremely social.

Sunshine158 said:

I don't feel desperate. I feel lonely. I don't have children so when I am at home I really am alone. I go to restaurants alone, vacation alone, I do a lot by myself and have for over 2 1/2 years.

I actually do not go out on dates a lot, at all. I just get hit on by abusive guys. It happened last night. Fortunately I pick up on it quick now. The guy kept asking if I was going home. He asked three times. Each time I said yes. I have a long day tomorrow. After the third time he left rather quickly. I guess to find whatever it was he was looking for.

I joined a bunch of groups on meetup but a lot of them have hikes or other activities when I am working I have a strange schedule. I guess I will just have to be patient with this. Maybe God's teaching me not to fall into the same trap I did with my exhusband and past boyfriends.

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Hey
I've been single now for nine years. And I know it is for a reason. I thought I was pretty selfish when it came to serving God. Oh, I preached, I witnessed, I taught Sunday school, I love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind...but I keep having this one fault. I wanted to be popular.
I was very popular during my teen years, while in the army and a bit afterwards.
I thought it was selfishness, as said earlier, when the Lord showed me it was more Pride than selfishness. I wanted to be noticed so I let my pride get in the way. This also reflected on my marriage, my work and social life.
But I was hardheaded and didn't listen to God. With Pride comes the fall. I lost everything because of it.
God reminded me who should be number 1 in my life...and it ain't me.

I say all this to let you know. God knows exactly what your going thru and there is a reason for it. No, I'm not saying "God's got a perfect plan for your life" bit...That's not even biblical. But He knows what you need. He knows how your heart feels. He knows where He wants you and maybe (I'm pretty sure of it myself) He has a work for you to do and He wants you to focus on Him and not yourself or anyone else.
Focus on Him, be like Christ and all the rest will come to you in His gracious time, (which can be just around the corner or years from now.
Put Him number one in your life. Let Him do the rest.

smithed64 said:

Hey
I've been single now for nine years. And I know it is for a reason. I thought I was pretty selfish when it came to serving God. Oh, I preached, I witnessed, I taught Sunday school, I love the Lord with all my heart, soul and mind...but I keep having this one fault. I wanted to be popular.
I was very popular during my teen years, while in the army and a bit afterwards.
I thought it was selfishness, as said earlier, when the Lord showed me it was more Pride than selfishness. I wanted to be noticed so I let my pride get in the way. This also reflected on my marriage, my work and social life.
But I was hardheaded and didn't listen to God. With Pride comes the fall. I lost everything because of it.
God reminded me who should be number 1 in my life...and it ain't me.

I say all this to let you know. God knows exactly what your going thru and there is a reason for it. No, I'm not saying "God's got a perfect plan for your life" bit...That's not even biblical. But He knows what you need. He knows how your heart feels. He knows where He wants you and maybe (I'm pretty sure of it myself) He has a work for you to do and He wants you to focus on Him and not yourself or anyone else.
Focus on Him, be like Christ and all the rest will come to you in His gracious time, (which can be just around the corner or years from now.
Put Him number one in your life. Let Him do the rest.

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Well said. I like that God has a plan is not biblical. All these ear tickles say so

lancey said:

Well said. I like that God has a plan is not biblical. All these ear tickles say so

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Yeah, Well God's plans are always perfect. But we aren't. So while we try to follow His plans we tend to mess things up.
But does He sit on His throne and say "Well, Ed is going to do this, say this, go here and go there, and then in the end be exactly what I want Him to be." Scripturally, It doesn't say this. It says that we are all sinners, forgiven by Grace, that which we don't even deserve, He gives us. And then....even then...we goof.
The awesome thing is. Because we aren't perfect...we can have that personal relationship with God. Yeah, Albert Finney a preacher back in the day said "sinning was the best thing man could have done"...yeah, my jaw dropped when I read that to. But it's simple. When Adam and Eve walked on the face of Earth before the fall. They were perfect. Handsome, gorgeous, no sickness, no aging, Highly intelligent (remember Adam named all the animals and their kinds with Eve's help) and completely oblivious of shame, self indulgence, selfishness and self loathing.
They had a relationship with God, kind of like we do with our parents. We know they're our parents, we know that they've been there. But do we truly know who our parents are or were?
Many ppl are surprised when they find out that their parents did certain things later in life that they never did when they were all together.
Well, don't get me wrong...sin is wrong and it means death...to our soul and body. But because of it. God came down in the form of man, was crucified for us, died for us, so that we might be saved and then We have now a personal relationship with God.
Sorry, got off on a tangent....Love talking about God and Christ.