How to forgive my father

Hi Joi C. Welcome to CF. I just saw this. I am so sorry for the loss of your father. My deepest sympathies. I know it is not easy losing someone and even harder when we have unresolved issues. It's okay to feel angry and desperate. All I can suggest is pray and keep putting it in the hands of God. He will carry you through this. In the mean time you can always reach out to our wonderful chaplains. Here is the link. They may have some advice and they are so wonderful. I do encourage you to share your feelings with your pastor or a close friend. Talking it through with someone or even journaling will help. Praying for you. God bless.

OP,

Please, don't call your Dad or no other man your Father, there is only one Father and that is the almighty Father above (Matthew 23:9)

That being said, I never had a Dad either. My Dad is also an alcoholic who did nothing but physically and verbally abuse me when growing up. He never encouraged a single thing I wanted to do with my life, when I graduated high school and finally got my GED he was proud for a minute and then for the rest of my life he's persecuted me saying that I accomplished nothing.

He's told me that he regrets the day I was ever born, and I regretted that he played a role in giving me life. I regretted BEING alive.

My Dad turned me to Atheism and brought me down a dark, dark, road that I don't really want to get into details about. Point being, because I listened to and wanted acceptance from my Dad, I've wasted so many years of my life because, of my Dad.

Do not think that I hate my Dad though, he played a role in giving me life and I love him very much. And, I've forgiven him and continue to forgive him for the things that he's done for me.

But, It took me almost 26 years to fully forgive him and my Dad and I just reconciled a few months ago but, he still tells me that I'm worthless for being a follower of Christ and he still tells me how to live my life. But, you know what? I don't need him. Besides, he is not my Father. My Father is the great LORD above.

Besides, Christ said that he had no family either.

The true followers of Christ are your family, I am your family, and the great Father above is your Father (Matthew 12:46-50).

Now, learning to forgive your Dad won't be easy. It wasn't easy for me. You will get through it in the coming days, I promise you. Just turn to your real Father for guidance and support and pray for the strength to get you through this and, you will. I promise you, you will get through this. May the LORD guide your life forever all your days, and lead you to the truth. I will pray for you.

Joi C said:

I'm new here and I just wondered if anyone has had the experience of a father passing away with your relationship unreconciled? My father just passed away after a long struggle with cancer. He was an alcoholic, pathological liar and abusive to most everyone all his life. Despite this, I willingly took on the huge task of caring for him through the cancer until his last month of life when my spirit completely broke and I couldn't tolerate being involved directy with the situation anymore. To be honest...deep down I hoped if I gave my best effort....he would finally be pround and consider me worth his time. That didn't happen. He never apologized for all he put me and Mom through all those years. I wasn't there when he passed away. Now heis gone....my hope for a reconciliation, an apology, and actually having a father is also gone. The issue now is I still feel RAGE toward him. I'm furious that there was no accountability... and furthermore, no explanation of WHY his only daughter was never worth his time, attention or concern. I NEEDED those things and never got them. I want to stop hating him. I need to be able to move past the PTSD type memories of awful days past and forgive him and move on and accept that I never had a father and never will as he is gone and it is what it is. I desperately want to forgive and stop being so angry..... The problem is....I DO NOT KNOW HOW. If anyone out there does know how...I'm desperate for your instructions. I know no one is perfect and i feel ashamed of my anger. Help?

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The anger is only hurting yourself. Go to some Christian orientated Al-non meetings to talk out things with others who have to deal with the same issues. Do not allow a root of bitterness to take hold of you. His behavior was related to his health problems.

Hi Joi,
I wanted to reply to your post because I can say "yes" I have had the experience of a father passing away with our relationship unreconciled, and "yes" I am an only daughter who was never worth my father's time, attention or concern. So I think I can understand a wee bit.
I hope it's okay if I share with you some thoughts that I have about that. I hope it might help.

First, can I say that it's a really good thing to acknowledge the facts. You said that your Dad "was an alcoholic, pathological liar and abusive to most everyone all his life". Those are facts. Not things that you 'felt' about him, but the truth about who he was. And it's really, really sad. Another fact is that you are not responsible for who he was, but you were greatly affected by who he was. That is the truth.

You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel some anger and frustration and confusion and rejection. Not to mention ongoing stress and painful memories. It is a heart breaking, painful thing to be hurt and rejected by someone who is supposed to be a Godly, loving, influence in our life. The spiritual, loving, guiding head of the household that God intended for ALL father's to be. People often misinterpret the verse in Matthew 5:22 where Jesus said "if you are angry with your brother or sister (or father) you are in danger of judgment", because, unfortunately many Bible translations leave out a word - it actually says "if you are unjustly angry" or "angry without a cause". Which is quite a big difference. Because there are times when we can be 'justly' angry, or angry with a just cause (for a reason). There are many places in the Bible where God is angry and Jesus himself was angry - with just cause. We would be denying our own hearts if we say we are not hurt and angry about things that are clearly, honestly, genuinely bad things. God hates sin and we hate it too! I think you will feel better if you understand that it isn't wrong to feel angry with your Dad. God understands that!! And perhaps if you accept that it is okay to feel angry, you might find that the anger will then start to fade.

But, Praise God, you have said "I desperately want to forgive and stop being so angry". The good news is that you can! But only with the help of the Living God and the truth of His word.

Here are some questions for you which I thought about after my Dad died. I'd be interested to know what you think. Is forgiveness the same when it involves someone who has passed into eternity as opposed to someone we are living with? What does forgiveness mean to you? Does it mean wiping the slate clean? Overlooking wrongs? Canceling a debt? Accepting or approving of someones wrong behavior? My answer to those questions is this - The act of forgiving others is between us and God. If someone has not asked for or accepted our forgiveness, that is not our responsibility. That doesn't mean that we weren't willing to give it. But if we can say to our Loving Heavenly Father that we honestly want to let go of any bitterness and anger and then leave it on the altar before him, then we have done the best we can and God accepts that. Our faith is in God for the grace we need from Him for what we cannot do by ourselves.

The hard part is actually leaving it with God and not holding onto it. It's a conscious choice we have to make, day by day, minute by minute. To not dwell on the pain and hurt and anger, but to surrender it to God. Leaning on his promises. To choose not to think about the bad, but just keep on turning it over to our Loving Lord and trusting in Him. Choosing instead to dwell on what is good. The joy of our salvation, the good, loving, helpful people and activities in our lives (your Mom, friends, husband/boyfriend, church), the future that God has called us to, the grace that He gives us each day to cope with all the things life throws at us, and the useful, meaningful plans and purposes He has for us. Philippians 3:13 - "But I do one thing. I forget everything that is behind me and look forward to that which is ahead of me".

Here is a big question for you. Now that your Dad has passed into eternity, how do you think he stands in respect of the forgiveness of God for his sin? If he did not receive salvation and forgiveness from God in this life, does he now stand forgiven before God, or condemned under God's judgment? And if he has not received Gods' forgiveness, do you think that maybe the best forgiveness you can have in your heart towards your Dad is to leave him in the just hands of God who knows all hearts? If a persons sin has not been covered by the saving blood of Jesus, then they are not forgiven. Jeremiah 17:10 says "But I, the LORD, search all hearts and examine secret motives. I give all people their due rewards, according to what their actions deserve." And Romans 12:19 says "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”

So, can we acknowledge some more facts together?
Your Dad wasn't a good Dad. It's okay to be sad, hurt, and angry about that. You don't need to feel ashamed of it.
You made the effort to care for him in his illness. That was the right, good, best, forgiving thing to do, and God himself noticed it even if your Dad didn't.
You're right that your hope for having reconciliation, and apology, and having your Dad in your life is gone. It's very, very sad, and I'm so sorry for the hurt that it brings to your heart. But God understands and as you trust in Him, he WILL heal those wounds.
You want to forgive, let go of the past and the anger and that is the best attitude you can have. The only way to do it is by leaving it all in God's hands, deciding not to dwell on what you can't change, and trusting in God - for He is the strength of your heart. As you do that, He WILL give you His peace.

I remember two things I thought when my Dad died. First, that after all the years of separation, he still had the power to hurt me. And the second was, that now he was in eternity, he would fully understand the effects of the choices he made in his life, and that God would deal with him.

Joi, I am living proof that God can heal all wounds. I spent most of my young life mourning over the absence of my father. At his death my heart broke over the loss of opportunity for healing and reconciliation (even though I had tried), but I can tell you honestly, that now, 17 years on, I can think of my Dad without feeling sad or angry or hurt or much of anything anymore. I wanted to love him, but he wouldn't. It was his loss. I left my case in the hands of the Living God. My Loving Heavenly Father has been my joy and my delight. He is infinitely more to me than any human father could be. My home is with Him and my joy is inexpressible. We can't change the past, but we can look forward to a future where God himself has promised that there will be no more death, nor crying, nor sorrow, or pain (Rev 21:4)

Psalm 34:18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

If there's anything you want to say or ask, please feel free to do that.
I pray that you will find rest and peace and comfort for your heart in the mighty towering rock that is our Mighty God.
HP

Joi C said:

I'm new here and I just wondered if anyone has had the experience of a father passing away with your relationship unreconciled? My father just passed away after a long struggle with cancer. He was an alcoholic, pathological liar and abusive to most everyone all his life. Despite this, I willingly took on the huge task of caring for him through the cancer until his last month of life when my spirit completely broke and I couldn't tolerate being involved directy with the situation anymore. To be honest...deep down I hoped if I gave my best effort....he would finally be pround and consider me worth his time. That didn't happen. He never apologized for all he put me and Mom through all those years. I wasn't there when he passed away. Now heis gone....my hope for a reconciliation, an apology, and actually having a father is also gone. The issue now is I still feel RAGE toward him. I'm furious that there was no accountability... and furthermore, no explanation of WHY his only daughter was never worth his time, attention or concern. I NEEDED those things and never got them. I want to stop hating him. I need to be able to move past the PTSD type memories of awful days past and forgive him and move on and accept that I never had a father and never will as he is gone and it is what it is. I desperately want to forgive and stop being so angry..... The problem is....I DO NOT KNOW HOW. If anyone out there does know how...I'm desperate for your instructions. I know no one is perfect and i feel ashamed of my anger. Help?

Click to expand...

Joi C said:

I'm new here and I just wondered if anyone has had the experience of a father passing away with your relationship unreconciled? My father just passed away after a long struggle with cancer. He was an alcoholic, pathological liar and abusive to most everyone all his life. Despite this, I willingly took on the huge task of caring for him through the cancer until his last month of life when my spirit completely broke and I couldn't tolerate being involved directy with the situation anymore. To be honest...deep down I hoped if I gave my best effort....he would finally be pround and consider me worth his time. That didn't happen. He never apologized for all he put me and Mom through all those years. I wasn't there when he passed away. Now heis gone....my hope for a reconciliation, an apology, and actually having a father is also gone. The issue now is I still feel RAGE toward him. I'm furious that there was no accountability... and furthermore, no explanation of WHY his only daughter was never worth his time, attention or concern. I NEEDED those things and never got them. I want to stop hating him. I need to be able to move past the PTSD type memories of awful days past and forgive him and move on and accept that I never had a father and never will as he is gone and it is what it is. I desperately want to forgive and stop being so angry..... The problem is....I DO NOT KNOW HOW. If anyone out there does know how...I'm desperate for your instructions. I know no one is perfect and i feel ashamed of my anger. Help?

Click to expand...

Sadly, some individuals are never capable of what you want from them. Abusive personalities from what I have learned in life are individuals that lack empathy. I speaking of true empathy here.

It could be that you finally feel safe to feel true anger over what you had been through, but that doesn't mean you will hold onto that angry all the days of your life! That doesn't mean you won't be able to put to the side all the ugly stuff, and learn to live life going on in the future in a healthy way. I do believe God will hold him accountable.

Allow yourself to feel the injustice you were handed, and don't stuff those feelings down. Allow them to happen. It doesn't mean you have to marinate in them for the rest of your days. Acceptance tends to come afterwards. You have every right to feel upset and angry over your experiences. If you don't allow yourself to FEEL them it will cause health problems.

My mother grew up in a home with domestic violence, and she struggled with her relationship with her father forever. She had time prior to his death to process those feelings, and she was able to kiss him on the forehead in his casket before they closed it.

Please know life will happen again, and its okay to process those feelings. Just know you don't want to live them for a lifetime. Freedom from the past is learning to live life despite what happened. In time many aspects of what you are struggling with will pass. You just learn to live with what happened, and doing your life better? For a lack of a better term...is the best revenge!

My heart breaks for your message, because my father's father wasn't much better. I have friend's in which it was their mothers that was the source of true pain. Don't be ashamed of your anger. Even God gets angry at injustice.