The "I can't tell a joke to save my life" thread.

NOTWHATIWAS · Jun 29, 2016

A safe place to tell "The worst jokes on the planet!"(but keep it clean!)

Lazarus Short · Jul 1, 2016

Don't know if this qualifies as "worst on the planet," but here goes:

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two?

One...or two?

NOTWHATIWAS · Jul 1, 2016

Lazarus Short said:
Don't know if this qualifies as "worst on the planet," but here goes:

How many optometrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One or two?

One...or two?

Wow! That's really bad!

JackRT · Jul 1, 2016

And how many psychiatrists to change a light bulb?

Just one. But it takes a long time and is very expensive.

And the light bulb must want to change.

Lazarus Short · Jul 1, 2016

NOTWHATIWAS said:
Wow! That's really bad!

For really bad jokes, go to antijoke.com

NOTWHATIWAS · Jul 1, 2016

How many christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb must be willing to be used to shine new light.

JackRT · Jul 2, 2016

A farm couple in Saskatchewan had their farm right up against the American border. North Dakota was just across the fence line. They had been aware for years that there was some dispute as to just where the border was. One day the mail brought an official envelope from the Canada / USA Border Commission. The husband read it aloud. It told them that after all relevant documents had been reviewed and a new survey had been completed, their property was determined to be in the USA and that their farm was now in North Dakota. They were asked to sign a document to acknowledge receipt of the notice and that they were not going to appeal the decision. The wife said “Sign it Frank, sign it! I don’t think that I can handle another Canadian winter!”

NOTWHATIWAS · Jul 2, 2016

JackRT said:
A farm couple in Saskatchewan had their farm right up against the American border. North Dakota was just across the fence line. They had been aware for years that there was some dispute as to just where the border was. One day the mail brought an official envelope from the Canada / USA Border Commission. The husband read it aloud. It told them that after all relevant documents had been reviewed and a new survey had been completed, their property was determined to be in the USA and that their farm was now in North Dakota. They were asked to sign a document to acknowledge receipt of the notice and that they were not going to appeal the decision. The wife said “Sign it Frank, sign it! I don’t think that I can handle another Canadian winter!”

LOL Actually, that's pretty funny!

JackRT · Jul 2, 2016

A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

NOTWHATIWAS · Jul 2, 2016

JackRT said:
A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

So, what you are saying is Canadians are more righteous than us in the USA?LOL

Lazarus Short · Jul 4, 2016

OTOH, it has been said that to call Hell from anywhere in the world, country-to-country long distance rates apply, except in Haiti, where it's only ten cents because it's a local call. I think since I first read that joke, lots more places now get those local rates...

Archie the Preacher · Jul 17, 2016

A Bob Heinlein reader?

Lazarus Short · Jul 17, 2016

Archie the Preacher said:
A Bob Heinlein reader?

Me? Yes, his early stuff mostly - later on, he got self-indulgent and weird.

Waterwerx · Jul 26, 2016

Did you all hear the one about the old constipated mathematician? No?

He worked it out with a pencil.

crossnote · Aug 5, 2016

Waterwerx said:
Did you all hear the one about the old constipated mathematician? No?

He worked it out with a pencil.

No, but I heard about the mathematical farmer...

he specialized in square roots.

Douglas Hendrickson · Aug 10, 2016

JackRT said:
A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

Nice one!

daughterofthemosthigh7 · Sep 10, 2016

NOTWHATIWAS said:
A safe place to tell "The worst jokes on the planet!"(but keep it clean!)

How do you make a Venetian blind?

Poke him in the eyes :/

Archie the Preacher · Sep 10, 2016

Lazarus Short said:
Me? Yes, his early stuff mostly - later on, he got self-indulgent and weird.

That's exactly how I see it. But some of the later stuff was pretty good if one learned to ignore the 'avant-guarde' stuff.

JackRT · Sep 10, 2016

So this guy makes an appointment with his optometrist in the Czech Republic. He sits in the chair and the optometrist dims the lights and asks "Can you read the bottom line in that eye chart?" The guy says "PKQZKY --- he's my next door neighbor."

Archie the Preacher · Sep 10, 2016

I'm trying to think of a really bad joke. Filtering out the ones I won't repeat here....

Oh! Got it!

My third wife.

The "I can't tell a joke to save my life" thread.

I take my stage direction from God.

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I take my stage direction from God.

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I take my stage direction from God.

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I take my stage direction from God.

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I take my stage direction from God.

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Apostle to the Intellectual Skeptics

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Berean

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AGE 52 and as if our votes matter!

Apostle to the Intellectual Skeptics

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