How important is physical attraction in a successful marriage?

Well you can look like a supermodel and be ugly on the inside. Or you can be ugly on the outside and be beautiful inside. I should note I don't even use the word ugly really because there is no such thing as ugly when it comes to look. Only opinions. And honestly the only opinion that matters is Gods. He thinks we are ALL beautiful. So as far as how important is physical attraction....well... its complex. I mean alot of people do have things they "prefer". Like some guys like women with curves for example. So that may something that is physically attractive to them. And while it may do something for you, in the end looks fade away with age. Aging is unavoidable.

Sadly many go into finding a marriage partner with beyond crazy long lists of what they want. I mean some things like "Be a christian" is something you need of course. But when I was at that Match website some christian women had a list a mile long. I had to be within a certain height, certain weight, certain degree of health, eat certain foods, have certain color eyes, have a degree....etc. These things are silly. Again theres nothing wrong with preference but we need to rely less on lists and rely on God. Because he may send you someone that was WAY different then what you were always dreaming of. And you will fall in love with that person because you will realize (hopefully) God knows what He is doing when we try to find a soulmate. Once I stopped being picky about who exactly I wanted God brought my wife into my life. I am beyond happy with her. Doesn't matter her weight, height, race, age...whatever.

Sadly I seen to many who beyond all odds find the perfect men or woman who matches their list. Then years down the road they divorce for many reasons. Including the person they married changed. One example was this one woman I talked to briefly said I wasn't what she was looking for physically. She found her tall man with blond hair, blue eyes, 6 pack abs...etc. Within 3 years he gained weight and she stopped loving him because her dreams were shattered. Love for her was based on fairy tales, not reality.

Looks are important. So is recognizing that looks will fade.

I find it nearly impossible to believe that every single guy who fits into your "desirable looks" category is taken - unless you're looking for one-legged albinos or something like that.

As @Brianlear said, don't be afraid of being alone. I watched a lot of people marry out of loneliness ... to their detriment.

Having done online dating christian women have a list a mile long. Especially when it comes to looks. Some things I get like denomination, christian views and so on. But they always want athletic, skinny, tall guys with perfect hair, perfect eyes.. this that and the other. And you must want kids. Must enjoy this, this and this activity. Must not like this, this and this activity. Must agree to spend x amount of time doing this with them...etc.

I had two profiles at Christian Mingle. One was of me before my meds put weight on me. The other was of me with the weight gain (not massive but in the overweight category). Both profiles has the same information on them. Aside from the weight differences of course. So many replied to the "skinny" me. They said things like they loved my profile, they loved this that and the other. But obviously they loved my looks more because the non-skinny me got only one person that contacted me. Shows the bias of people who care about looks. Even Christians.

Sure maybe when your 60 your body may relatively look the same. But thats the exception not the rule. The beautiful person you married now will have droppy, saggy body parts when older. Wrinkles. Moles and everything else all over including places you wouldn't expect. This person will also as they become elderly maybe need depends, have shaky hands and so on. So if you married based on looks, odds are high you will be disappointed by the time 35 rolls around. Maybe even sooner. I've seen so many who marry based on looks that divorce later because they fought once the other persons body changed.

Proverbs 31:30

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.


It's been 35 years and 2 kids since my wife and I met, and we've both gotten heavier and less photogenic since then. We knew that would happen. We also trusted God to keep us together through the ups and downs of life, and He has.

I don't miss the "beauty" we've lost; I treasure the love we've gained.

NothingIsImpossible said:

Having done online dating christian women have a list a mile long. Especially when it comes to looks. Some things I get like denomination, christian views and so on. But they always want athletic, skinny, tall guys with perfect hair, perfect eyes.. this that and the other. And you must want kids. Must enjoy this, this and this activity. Must not like this, this and this activity. Must agree to spend x amount of time doing this with them...etc.

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I'm curious what these women looked like themselves. Were any of these women overweight?

One of the things with online dating is that can just type in what their ideal is, not what they'd accept. If she prefers a 6 foot man to a 5"10' man, she will put 6 feet, but a few inches shorter may not be a deal breaker.

I had two profiles at Christian Mingle. One was of me before my meds put weight on me. The other was of me with the weight gain (not massive but in the overweight category). Both profiles has the same information on them. Aside from the weight differences of course. So many replied to the "skinny" me. They said things like they loved my profile, they loved this that and the other. But obviously they loved my looks more because the non-skinny me got only one person that contacted me. Shows the bias of people who care about looks. Even Christians.

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Did you choose a wife whose weight and looks did not appeal to your own personal tastes.

A thousand years ago, in a village of a few hundred people, most folks had probably never seen anyone who was in the 90th percentile for good looks. So expectations for looks may have been reasonable. But now, with television and other media, we see plenty of people in the 90th percentile and above it for looks every day on TV, and they work out or have plastic surgery to stay fit and thin. We see that over and over again, while the general population has gotten fatter. Over the decades, the US population has eaten more and more processed foods and plenty of people eat meals like those sold at McDonald's on a regular basis.

LinkH said:

I'm curious what these women looked like themselves. Were any of these women overweight?

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I'd say about 70% of them were what the world would call "normal". Skinny, average height. Good looking. Various hair styles, views, clothing choices...etc. The rest were what the world would call overweight. Two were disabled.

LinkH said:

Did you choose a wife whose weight and looks did not appeal to your own personal tastes.

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Well thats the thing. I have no personal taste really. I mean I guess in video games where you create a character I always make red heads with blue eyes. Close to where I live. Maybe thats a preference. I've talked to many women through dating sites. Short, tall, fat, skinny, disabled (wheelchairs, non-wheelchairs), autism, loud, quiet, funny, not funny, more wild views, more simple views. In short I had no real prefrence. Aside from the obvious one of being christian and views closer to mine since thats important.

My wide is 4'9. Blake hair and eyes. Shes not overly serious, She can be funny. Works hard. Relatively skinny. Really loves the Lord. From the Phillipines, which I never thought of going overseas. Now when I was younger some some said they could see me with an asian woman.

NothingIsImpossible said:

Having done online dating christian women have a list a mile long. Especially when it comes to looks. Some things I get like denomination, christian views and so on. But they always want athletic, skinny, tall guys with perfect hair, perfect eyes.. this that and the other. And you must want kids. Must enjoy this, this and this activity. Must not like this, this and this activity. Must agree to spend x amount of time doing this with them...etc.

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I noticed that too. I am Asian so in a way I was lucky. But when I was online dating and I look at the white profiles (not trying to be racist here) they always wants to do extreme spots where you can die. Rock climbing, parachuting, ocean kayaking, etc. What happened to the normal sports like biking and tennis?

And many of them follow up with "I am not into the clubbing scene anymore." Great so you had been around. Good for me to know as a total stranger, before the very first date. I mean I know the chances of finding a virgin GF is slim to none. But do I really need to know you used to be into one night stands before our very first date?

Anyways I know people say they aren't racist. But while I got many responses from Asian ladies, I got a grant total of ZERO from white ladies. And I was doing online dating for 2-3 years.

The whole online dating world is a bit of an oddity to me. Two of my brothers found their wives through online dating. After watching them do so, I don't think I would ever pursue online dating (in the event that I somehow ended up a widower or divorced). There are just far too many women available in the real world with way more opportunities to filter based on reality and not some profile created to do who knows what.

I know this is kind of an old thread, but I think it's an important thing to consider. I'm a pretty girl, and had a defined image of the guy I wanted to date. But every time a guy fit my criteria and I actually approached and started a conversation, he disappointed me.

In contrast, I'd been friends with a guy since we were kids, I never found him stunningly handsome (even though he was attractive) and he didn't fit my bill of perfect physical handsomeness. However, as we grew in our friendship, I began to see some amazing qualities that made him even more attractive in my eyes.

The old saying, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" rings true. If you marry someone for their physical attractiveness, that attractiveness wears off after awhile. You get bored of it. It's like buying a house that looks aesthetically pleasing, but is leaky or right by a highway or has electrical problems. It looks great, and at times you appreciate it. But when you're living with it, the practical parts of the house/guy come to play a hugely important part, more important than physical appearance.

I could choose a girl by her looks, but I choose not to; I think that would be shallow of me and against my values. But over the years I have found I have a certain talent for choosing who I find attractive.

leothelioness said:

I get told a lot that looks don't really matter all that much when choosing a partner suitable for marriage, but I think it's important. The problem is that the types of guys who have an aesthetic I am attracted to are usually taken. The ones that are left for me to choose from are not attractive to me at all.

Admittedly, I am very picky and I don't want to be unrealistic about looks in a potential partner and possibly pass over a great guy because he's not attractive to me.

Should I lower my standards and date men I don't find physically attractive or should I hold out and possibly be alone forever?

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I would advise to think about and look for traits you find attractive in a man's character first. Get to know people before you decide if you're attracted to them or not. Some guys that are outwardly hot are not that attractive in their character traits and even if they are, like you said, some maybe already taken. Not to say there aren't hot guys who are also attractive in character and single out there... just saying maybe you should broaden your ideas about what is attractive. I personally find people way more attractive physically once I get to know them and fall in love with their character and their heart and who they are as a person. Those attractive qualities last a lifetime. Looks change.

leothelioness said:

I get told a lot that looks don't really matter all that much when choosing a partner suitable for marriage, but I think it's important. The problem is that the types of guys who have an aesthetic I am attracted to are usually taken. The ones that are left for me to choose from are not attractive to me at all.

Admittedly, I am very picky and I don't want to be unrealistic about looks in a potential partner and possibly pass over a great guy because he's not attractive to me.

Should I lower my standards and date men I don't find physically attractive or should I hold out and possibly be alone forever?

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I second what Darkhorse said: get attracted to something besides looks first; most likely, they will become attractive to you as you get more interested in their personality. My example is somewhat similar to his. I met my husband here on CF. We had instant chemistry over the internet, but of course didn't know what we looked like outside of a picture each (which didn't do much for me). I'm still not sure if I'm attracted to him based on that he is physically attractive to me or if I find him so because I like his personality; it's probably the latter. Looks fade however; and even if you do find someone you're attracted to physically, most likely years into the marriage that will not be such a prominent factor in your love for each other.

One other thing I would add though, is that you can't force yourself to be attracted to someone (at least, that's how it is in my experience); either the chemistry is there or it isn't. I wouldn't waste my time dating men that aren't attractive to you on some level. I suppose you could go that route and pick someone based solely on their "good" characteristics and not at all on any attraction level you have; you'd have to be okay though with possibly never having any feelings of that chemistry that often goes along with people who get into relationships.

leothelioness said:

Men are not judged as harshly for stating a preference for an attractive woman. Women are judged a lot more harshly for desiring an attractive man. It's quite a tiring and old double standard.

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I'm of the same opinion--in my mind I have to be physically attracted to a man in order to consider them for a relationship (which is why it still seems to me that I actually do consider my husband to by physically attractive, to me, outside of just his personality; I have a strange taste though as other people have commented and don't find the "typical" physically attractive people to be attractive, in my opinion).

CCHIPSS said:

Anyways I know people say they aren't racist. But while I got many responses from Asian ladies, I got a grant total of ZERO from white ladies. And I was doing online dating for 2-3 years.

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do you mean girls contacting you, or responding to you after you msged them?

leothelioness said:

Like you said, they have to be attractive to you first. That's how it is with me. I tried dating someone that I was not physically attracted to because, hey, I *might* become attracted. It was a total disaster and I will never do that again. I knew better than to ignore what I know will work for me. Attraction for me does not grow unless there is some there to begin with. It can fade for me, however.

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THe church I attended in college taught that you were NOT supposed to marry anyone you found attractive as it led to a "fleshly" foundation for the relationship. The elder board actually broke up a few engaged couples they thought were too attracted to each other.

I rebelled and married a girl I found very attractive.

Oddly enough, [or NOT] many of those marriages broke up after about 5 years. My wife and I are still together almost 39 years later ......