Teens and food

Not sure there is a perfect answer for this. You can't force feed a teenager and shouldn't (that is considered an assault). Do you MAKE your husband eat everything on the table if he looks down at your new recipe and says, "ug, I REALLY don't care for yellow squash"? The difference between you and your teenager is that you aren't going to cook food you hate so you have already shown a preference when selecting dinner. It is easy to eat food you like. I would expect my teenager to try everything...which means a taste. If I am cooking and I know that my child hates peas, I will probably also make some green beans so she will eat something green. I don't see that it is an issue to fight over. Food is to nourish our bodies and there are much more important things to get in a power struggle over. I think I might expect that person to sit politely with the family while we ate, but so what if they make a peanut butter sandwich to eat as long as they are getting their nutrition and not ruining everyone else's meal. Don't fool yourself, you don't have that much control over what they eat anymore. Teenagers usually have money and will fill up on garbage if you don't provide food that they can at least tolerate.

Think about this, if your best friend came over for dinner and you had made a dish that she didn't care for to the point, she just past that bowl and ate everything else. Would you really feel that disrespected that she didn't eat everything you prepared? What if you are eating at someone else's house and you look down and see that one food you can't possible place in your mouth...are you going to put a normal size portion on your plate and eat it with a smile?

It is unfair to expect kids to like everything they are served. We are supposed to nourish our kids and teach them how to behave properly when addressed with hard situations. Stop taking it so personally. It isn't about respect. If you respect them, why are you cooking food that they don't like? Can't you find a happy medium and just make sure there are enough side options that they can skip your favorite "casserole delight" that everyone else enjoys?

In our family, we have what we refer to as the "No thank you bite." Even if you don't like what is being served, to be polite you take a small helping and eat it.

With that said, by the time a child is a teenager they should have this skill (politely eating what is served) already well developed. If they are only now, as teens, being asked to develop such a skill they might rightly wonder, "Why has this not been important before?"

Food is a very personal thing. It enters the body. It effects the senses, emotions, mental state of a person. To force someone to eat something is a violation. I have never made my kids eat anything, not even when they were little.

Teenagers should be polite, but they should not be expected to eat something they do not want. It should be their choice.

JAM2b said:

Teenagers should be polite, but they should not be expected to eat something they do not want. It should be their choice.

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Yes, they should!

Learning to eat something you don't particularly like is a part of becoming an adult and learning to live in a polite society. Parents with your mentality are contributing to their children's inability to participate in a polite society and, likely, the the juvenile diabetes epidemic.

Mudinyeri said:

Yes, they should!

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In your home maybe. I know that a lot of parents agree with you. Not all parents do. Believing that your way, and the way people you agree with, is the right way and there is no room for anything else is arrogant, haughty, and prideful.

Mudinyeri said:

Learning to eat something you don't particularly like is a part of becoming an adult and learning to live in a polite society.

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Politeness is a matter of perspective, opinion, and culture. Not every one thinks the same things are polite. For example, I think the way you responded to me was very IMPOLITE. My son's whom you assume are not becoming adults or learning to live in polite society would never talk to some one the way you just did to me. I personally believe that making someone eat something they don't want is rude, impolite, dominating, inconsiderate, and a bit bully-ish, my way or the highway. I also think it trains children to go along with whatever someone else wants or thinks they should do without feeling free to use the brain God gave them, feeling self-empowerment to make their own choices, or say no to something that could potentially be harmful. I don't train my children to blindly follow authority when it comes to something that is not putting them in direct danger. However, I did not attack your parenting or make a claim that your kids are going to be bringing down polite society. I simply read what everyone else posted, and then replied with my opposing view and the example of how I raise my kids.

Mudinyeri said:

Parents with your mentality are contributing to their children's inability to participate in a polite society

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My children are often complimented on how respectful they are by a wide range of people. They are liked by kids and adults alike. They always get invited to do things, and they are often asked by other adults to help because they are responsible and respectful. Other parents want my 17 year-old son around their kids because he has become a good influence during this last year. His teachers are impressed with him, and are encouraging him to pursue academic projects, scholarships, and activities that will expose him to better opportunities, in spite of having some special needs. So, apparently, not making my kids swallow broccoli hasn't harmed their character too much.

Mudinyeri said:

and, likely, the the juvenile diabetes epidemic.

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Not forcing my kids to eat something they do not want does not mean that they are eating cake and french fries all day. Make assumptions much? If I make something they don't like, they don't have to eat it. Period. Full stop. End of sentence. It doesn't get replaced with cookies. If I have something that would be a reasonable alternative which causes me little to no effort for them to have, then they can have that. If there is not a good alternative, then they can choose to eat what we have or POLITELY say, "No thanks." They are also free to change their mind later and have what they POLITELY declined the first time.

A further note, if you don't allow your children to make their own choices about food, then I think it causes them to not be as skilled during adulthood in making choices about food.

blackribbon said:

Not sure there is a perfect answer for this. You can't force feed a teenager and shouldn't (that is considered an assault). Do you MAKE your husband eat everything on the table if he looks down at your new recipe and says, "ug, I REALLY don't care for yellow squash"? The difference between you and your teenager is that you aren't going to cook food you hate so you have already shown a preference when selecting dinner. It is easy to eat food you like. I would expect my teenager to try everything...which means a taste. If I am cooking and I know that my child hates peas, I will probably also make some green beans so she will eat something green. I don't see that it is an issue to fight over. Food is to nourish our bodies and there are much more important things to get in a power struggle over. I think I might expect that person to sit politely with the family while we ate, but so what if they make a peanut butter sandwich to eat as long as they are getting their nutrition and not ruining everyone else's meal. Don't fool yourself, you don't have that much control over what they eat anymore. Teenagers usually have money and will fill up on garbage if you don't provide food that they can at least tolerate.

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I agree, and do things much the same way. For every meal I cook, I make sure there is at least one thing that each person will like, and I try to have a good second choice when I can. Another thing I do is if something has more than one ingredient such as casseroles or something that gets toppings, sauces, etc, and there are ingredients that not everyone agrees on, is to not mix it together or top it off myself, but offer it all separately and let people add what they want. Some good examples are pastas, or chili and cheese (I keep the cheese and chili separate now), tuna salad (they each get their own small can of tuna and mix what they want in it). It's not hard to be a considerate cook if you care about the people who are eating your meal.

My daughter is a very picky eater. So was her father but since I loved him and only cooked food he liked, it wasn't so obvious. What I noticed is when I got pushy about making my daughter eat what I thought she should be eating, she simply stopped eating. After a visit to the emergency room with stroke like symptoms (lost peripheral vision, experienced one sided weakness, and change in mental status) that was most likely hypoglycemic episodes after not eating (no food in the house that my daughter liked) then going to 2 hours of figure skating and 3 hours of softball practice...we sat down and had a very serious talk about food. Since she is an older teen (therefore almost an adult who will be completely in charge of her own eating habits), we found some compromises in food options. Food that she would eat and food that I felt was a healthy enough balance of nutrition. She also took a college level nutrition class so that she would hear the same things from someone other than her mother. Forcing kids to eat can cause eating disorders and reduce the foods they will eat because they have bad mental memories associated with those foods and "food" becomes a control issue. FYI: She limits the times she eats at other people's homes but has recently come home and told me the food that she has eaten to "be polite" and her ability to eat a greater variety of food is increasing. She doesn't like them but she can remember that we often "eat for fuel and not just for taste." I have never had anyone say anything but praise for her manners and behavior when she does stay at other people's homes. Most hosts are actually very gracious do give options to guests and understand that we have different tastes...and don't take offense if someone passes on a single dish. I know I always ask my guests if they have foods they can't eat or special eating considerations before I plan my menu and try to please THEM instead of expecting them to please me.

I grew up very poor and we didn't have a lot of options. We just ate what we had or chose not to. I have always pretty much liked all foods so it wasn't ever an issue for me. My older brother had health problems and sometimes would not eat certain things. He got the option of having a sandwich if there food available for making one. Now he eats like a horse and won't turn any kind of food down.

My own sons both started out as very picky eaters. My youngest has a history of difficulty eating foods because of a cleft lip and pallet. As they have grown up they have been eating more and more foods. My oldest will now eat just about anything and enthusiastically tries new foods. My youngest still struggles but is improving, some of his problem has to do with the structure of his mouth anyway.

If given space, reasonable freedom, encouragement without force, good example, and teaching, I think most kids will end up being OK with food as an adult. It's a process, and it takes time.

So here's a question. ..I'm vegan, and I allow my kids to eat meat if they choose. I think veganism, like other ethical philosophies, should really be their choice. Would it be better if, as suggested, I force my kids to eat what I eat, a vegan diet? Or does that only apply if the parents eat a more mainstream diet?

I would give them the choice.

Mountain_Girl406 said:

So here's a question. ..I'm vegan, and I allow my kids to eat meat if they choose. I think veganism, like other ethical philosophies, should really be their choice. Would it be better if, as suggested, I force my kids to eat what I eat, a vegan diet? Or does that only apply if the parents eat a more mainstream diet?

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No reason to avoid having them try it - as long as you understand children's nutritional needs and how to meet them with a vegan diet. Why not at least expose them to it, if you believe it's "ethically right"? Notice I didn't say, "force them."

Mudinyeri said:

No reason to avoid having them try it - as long as you understand children's nutritional needs and how to meet them with a vegan diet. Why not at least expose them to it, if you believe it's "ethically right"? Notice I didn't say, "force them."

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Oh, I do expose them to a vegan diet, and cook vegan meals for them, but I allow them to choose other meals, or add meat to something I make. Sometimes I even cook multiple dinners

I don't understand this "force" issue.

This appears to be a First World problem--people who have enough money to waste on "choices" for everyone in the family. I suspect that where there are barely enough calories in a meal to go around, they don't have this problem.

When I was a kid, children in Europe were still going hungry.

RDKirk said:

I suspect that where there are barely enough calories in a meal to go around, they don't have this problem.

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I suspect you are correct.

a) Eating traditionally is a time of relationship, belonging, sharing, and thanksgiving. Finickiness negates all of those.

b) In a world where many have insufficient food it is immoral to lack thankfulness and empathy.

John
NZ

DaveW-Ohev said:

I suspect you are correct.

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Assumption not necessarily correct. Kids may have just had "failure to thrive" issues and been very sickly ...

And this kind of comparison ... that since some people would be grateful to eat the food that you don't like ... or "Clean your plate because there are starving children in China" argument has led to many people having obesity issues as adults because they have learned to eat because it is on their plate and not learning to stop when they are full. The weird obsession that the only food "wasted" is the food that doesn't get eaten instead of realizing that food consumed that isn't needed is also "wasted" and more unhealthy than putting it in the dog's bowl or the trash.

blackribbon said:

And this kind of comparison ... that since some people would be grateful to eat the food that you don't like ... or "Clean your plate because there are starving children in China" argument has led to many people having obesity issues as adults because they have learned to eat because it is on their plate and not learning to stop when they are full.

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My wife is a dietitian with a masters degree who works with diabetics and has worked in an eating disorder clinic. There is no evidence that "clean your plate" leads to obesity. If you'd like to discuss research-based evidence related to obesity and eating disorders, I would be happy to do so.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/should-you-make-your-child-clean-his-plate-the-129361755102.html

https://evolveweightlossexperts.com/blog/how-clean-your-plate-leads-to-obesity/

https://consumer.healthday.com/vita...rom-parents-may-backfire-for-kids-675613.html

http://foodpsychology.cornell.edu/discoveries/clean-plate-kids

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/nutrition/Pages/The-Clean-Plate-Club.aspx

Do you need more?

I can look up the scholarly research too...some are listed in the articles.

The basic gist of all these articles is to NOT control what your child eats but to allow them to have healthy options and learn to follow hungry cues. Definitely don't reward finishing your dinner with a dessert (sweets for overeating?). And recognized kids are still learning how to serve themselves portions that match their appetite so they will often put too much food on their plate meaning "clean your plate" forces them to overeat. Kids who have seriously restricted diets at home tend to overindulge when given the opportunity to eat these restricted foods and often have more difficulties with healthy eating as adults.

(What else has your wife's degree taught you?)

TheresaC. said:

Should teens eat everything parents cook even if they don't like it to respect them or should they choose freely if and what to eat?

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I believe respect should be a precept for everyone in the household, with parents and kids giving and receiving it to one another. To me respect entails having regard for the needs and preferences of one another, and being amenable within reason. Self-respect is also vital, and that involves taking proper care of yourself. It's more challenging to do that when you lack control over what is going into your body. What you eat affects how you feel, emotionally and physically.
Teens should not be ordered or obligated to eat everything their parents cook. Our palates and maturity have evolved enough for us to make choices for ourselves. At the same time, teens need to be respectful of their parents, of their time and their financial situation, and of other members of the family. It's not reasonable for a teen to be forced to eat whatever is on their plate, but it's also not reasonable for a teen to expect to be catered to at every meal. She can take some responsibility for her own choices and meal preparation. There needs to be a balance.

I've had health problems that have affected my eating since birth and contributed to me being underweight, and just before my tenth birthday I became a vegetarian, which further limited what I could and was willing to eat. My parents respected my choice but put conditions on it. They insisted that I work with them so that we could devise family meals where I and everyone else was content and nourished. They saw to it that I learned about nutrition; over the years we've continued to consult with my doctors and registered dietitians several times. They taught me how to navigate social settings that involve food in a polite way, and to be respectful of the dietary choices others make.

Mudinyeri said:

Yes, they should!

Learning to eat something you don't particularly like is a part of becoming an adult and learning to live in a polite society. Parents with your mentality are contributing to their children's inability to participate in a polite society and, likely, the the juvenile diabetes epidemic.

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The expectations for etiquette in a social or business setting differs from the politeness expected in an intimate one such as around the family dinner table. When you're a guest in someone's home or at a dinner party where an effort has been made to provide a meal for you, then eating what you know you comfortably can is a courtesy. You can also make provisions for yourself in such instances like eating something small beforehand so you won't be ravenous. Your family members hopefully know you and your tastes in far more detail. My parents think of each of us (including one another) and our eating habits and preferences when meal planning. That consideration has trained us to be more thoughtful and caring towards one another. When I'm married one day I'll do the same for my husband and children.

I'll add in as a personal note that there can be negative consequences for eating something purely to be polite. I'm interning and living away from home this summer, and one of my roommates' mom has sweetly tried to take me under her wing. It's become like her mission to do something about me being "skin and bones." He's from like 30 minutes from here, so she has been trekking in with bags of groceries and meals several times a week since we arrived. She knows I'm a vegetarian, but doesn't realize that I have digestive issues (serious ones that required surgeries) and have to use a lot of care. I ate the meal she made especially for me last night because I was so touched by her efforts, and then was in misery all night. I started throwing up at 3, and then got sick in the restroom at work, and they insisted that someone take me home in a taxi. I'm just going to thank her profusely next time and make a polite excuse for not eating the meals. I can give them to friends, and then everyone will be happy.