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Dealing with a husband with BPD

WatchdogNP

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Anyone else have a husband with BPD? It seems to be mostly women, so it is hard to find any information/experiences concerning men. My husband frequently verbally abuses me (he will intentionally say the things that he knows will destroy me the most), and I just feel so torn apart and exhausted from constantly filling all of his needs, while he does not attempt to fill any of mine. He doesn't even care. Worst of all, he has manipulated me so much that I have no idea when he is telling the truth or lying. I feel like my whole marriage up until this point is meaningless... All a lie, and part of his game. He is always making comments about leaving me, or only keeping my around for very specific purposes, and I feel so used, empty, and unloved.

I'm just feeling hopeless. Any insight? My mental health is in shambles, and he doesn't even care, because he is sicker than me.
 
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JacksBratt

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Anyone else have a husband with BPD? It seems to be mostly women, so it is hard to find any information/experiences concerning men. My husband frequently verbally abuses me (he will intentionally say the things that he knows will destroy me the most), and I just feel so torn apart and exhausted from constantly filling all of his needs, while he does not attempt to fill any of mine. He doesn't even care. Worst of all, he has manipulated me so much that I have no idea when he is telling the truth or lying. I feel like my whole marriage up until this point is meaningless... All a lie, and part of his game. He is always making comments about leaving me, or only keeping my around for very specific purposes, and I feel so used, empty, and unloved.

I'm just feeling hopeless. Any insight? My mental health is in shambles, and he doesn't even care, because he is sicker than me.
I am not a professional and you have given a brief description here. However, your points are very very similar to the life that I live with concerning my wife.

Have you researched Narcissistic behavior disorder or OCPD? Just a hunch, nothing more.
 
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bhsmte

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Anyone else have a husband with BPD? It seems to be mostly women, so it is hard to find any information/experiences concerning men. My husband frequently verbally abuses me (he will intentionally say the things that he knows will destroy me the most), and I just feel so torn apart and exhausted from constantly filling all of his needs, while he does not attempt to fill any of mine. He doesn't even care. Worst of all, he has manipulated me so much that I have no idea when he is telling the truth or lying. I feel like my whole marriage up until this point is meaningless... All a lie, and part of his game. He is always making comments about leaving me, or only keeping my around for very specific purposes, and I feel so used, empty, and unloved.

I'm just feeling hopeless. Any insight? My mental health is in shambles, and he doesn't even care, because he is sicker than me.

How do you know he has BPD?

The behaviors you describe are harmful, but BPD has a bit more detailed pattern to it.
 
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Cairne

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I, too, have a husband with BPD. He has not been officially diagnosed but I'm positive he has it. My daughter in grad school learned about the disorder and in a conversation recently I brought it up and she said she had been afraid to ask but she knew he had it just by what she had read in class.
Anyways, we have been together almost 10 years and married just short of 8. When he is "on" he is "on" but when the disorder is raging, as I call it he is manipulative (he's manipulative always but it's worse when he's raging), isolates himself from our entire family, verbally abusive, and just plain horrid. I'm a Christian and believe in my vows, I've been divorced once already and already know the effects of that on children (I have 3 from a previous abusive marriage and we now have one we share), and I just can't shake this sliver of hope that some day a miracle will occur and he'll actually hear me when I say we can do this as a team and I love him and we just need to learn how to communicate and treat each other with love and respect. But, I don't see it happening. The past week has been a whole series of obvious signs that this I can't let this go on. I'm taking more and more meds just to numb the pain of never being good enough, never doing the right thing, or always doing the wrong thing.
I, too, am exhausted in every way from trying to be a good wife, friend, mother and generally loving and caring human being. But what about me?! When is it my turn?! When?!
 
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DaisyDay

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My husband has BPD traits, but he's a good person. He's worked really hard on his anger and emptiness issues. Now, after 30 years, we get along pretty well, but there were some really rough years. Now when the "verbal diarrhea" starts, which it still does occasionally, sorry to say, I just literally refuse to listen even if it means putting my hands over my ears and saying, "La, la, la, I can't hear you" over and over (which is really inconvenient when I'm driving ^_^) until it passes - which it does in about ten minutes usually.

The thing is that I know he doesn't mean it, but the things would hurt my feelings if I were to listen - so I don't...anymore. It took a long time for me to realize what was going on, though, and for us to figure out how to deal with it.

The "manipulation" doesn't bug me any more since I stopped seeing it as criticism and recognized it instead as a "request" for affection and attention. Now it's become sort of a ritualistic game between us, so when he whines about how "everyone" ignores him, I cry that that can't possibly be true that such a wonderful, handsome man should be so treated in his own home, etc. and pet him. I have fun and he's happy...it works for us.

There's a song that reminds me of him that starts (from memory):
I'm leaving you today
What's that you say? (okay...)
I'm half-way down the street
This is it (is it?)
I'm serious this time
Do you mind, do you mind, do you mind?
Please mind
I think it's called "We both know you love me" by One Ring Zero.
 
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Cairne

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My husband has BPD traits, but he's a good person. He's worked really hard on his anger and emptiness issues. Now, after 30 years, we get along pretty well, but there were some really rough years. Now when the "verbal diarrhea" starts, which it still does occasionally, sorry to say, I just literally refuse to listen even if it means putting my hands over my ears and saying, "La, la, la, I can't hear you" over and over (which is really inconvenient when I'm driving ^_^) until it passes - which it does in about ten minutes usually.

The thing is that I know he doesn't mean it, but the things would hurt my feelings if I were to listen - so I don't...anymore. It took a long time for me to realize what was going on, though, and for us to figure out how to deal with it.

The "manipulation" doesn't bug me any more since I stopped seeing it as criticism and recognized it instead as a "request" for affection and attention. Now it's become sort of a ritualistic game between us, so when he whines about how "everyone" ignores him, I cry that that can't possibly be true that such a wonderful, handsome man should be so treated in his own home, etc. and pet him. I have fun and he's happy...it works for us.

There's a song that reminds me of him that starts (from memory):
I'm leaving you today
What's that you say? (okay...)
I'm half-way down the street
This is it (is it?)
I'm serious this time
Do you mind, do you mind, do you mind?
Please mind
I think it's called "We both know you love me" by One Ring Zero.
My husband has BPD traits, but he's a good person. He's worked really hard on his anger and emptiness issues. Now, after 30 years, we get along pretty well, but there were some really rough years. Now when the "verbal diarrhea" starts, which it still does occasionally, sorry to say, I just literally refuse to listen even if it means putting my hands over my ears and saying, "La, la, la, I can't hear you" over and over (which is really inconvenient when I'm driving ^_^) until it passes - which it does in about ten minutes usually.

The thing is that I know he doesn't mean it, but the things would hurt my feelings if I were to listen - so I don't...anymore. It took a long time for me to realize what was going on, though, and for us to figure out how to deal with it.

The "manipulation" doesn't bug me any more since I stopped seeing it as criticism and recognized it instead as a "request" for affection and attention. Now it's become sort of a ritualistic game between us, so when he whines about how "everyone" ignores him, I cry that that can't possibly be true that such a wonderful, handsome man should be so treated in his own home, etc. and pet him. I have fun and he's happy...it works for us.

There's a song that reminds me of him that starts (from memory):
I'm leaving you today
What's that you say? (okay...)
I'm half-way down the street
This is it (is it?)
I'm serious this time
Do you mind, do you mind, do you mind?
Please mind
I think it's called "We both know you love me" by One Ring Zero.
 
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Cairne

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It's awesome that you have worked through the difficulties to find a place where you can come together and see one another for who you are and what you're trying to do. H is completely unable/unwilling to see that he contributes to any difficulties we may have and places all blame and fault on me. Just this morning I woke up to a phone call from him (he drives tractor trailer over the road) telling me for the zillionth time that he knows I don't want to be married anymore and that I tell everyone everything that ever is said between us and I have no respect for him. Let me say that in the past I have talked to lots of people about what was going on here, trying to figure out if I was crazy or he was and for support and encouragement. I have also admitted my fault in this, asked for forgiveness, and try very hard every day to not continue to do the same thing. Unfortunately, it's a really great thing for him to hold on to because I am undoubtedly going to fail at times. Not only because I'm human, but because he refuses listen or hear me and I need to talk to SOMEONE, and because people talk to one another!
Regardless, today is a really bad day and he is raging. Now he says he's not going to come home at all which I know isn't true. Honestly, a part of me wishes he wouldn't. I hate this and am very, very tired.
 
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DaisyDay

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Google "Welcome to Oz" for an online support group. I think it helps to vent to other people who understand what's going on.

Also consider leaving for your own health. My husband has BPD but that doesn't define who he is. Some people are irredeemable jerks with a difficult condition and some people are good souls at heart with difficult condition.

Regardless, today is a really bad day and he is raging. Now he says he's not going to come home at all which I know isn't true. Honestly, a part of me wishes he wouldn't.
A big part of managing relationships with people with BPD is establishing boundaries - sometimes it's really nice to have physical boundaries, a place of your own, a safe haven, if it's only a room of your own with a door with a lock.
 
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bhsmte

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Google "Welcome to Oz" for an online support group. I think it helps to vent to other people who understand what's going on.

Also consider leaving for your own health. My husband has BPD but that doesn't define who he is. Some people are irredeemable jerks with a difficult condition and some people are good souls at heart with difficult condition.

A big part of managing relationships with people with BPD is establishing boundaries - sometimes it's really nice to have physical boundaries, a place of your own, a safe haven, if it's only a room of your own with a door with a lock.

You are right on the boundaries, that is crucial.

Some folks with BPD, are relatively high functioning as well, while others reek complete havoc, especially with people close to them.
 
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DaisyDay

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Maybe you ladies should go talk to someone. There may be some medication out there to ease your stress
Medication, eh? I wonder if you realize just how offensive your condescension is.

Also, not all of us on this thread are "ladies", thank you very much.
 
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bhsmte

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Medication, eh? I wonder if you realize just how offensive your condescension is.

Also, not all of us on this thread are "ladies", thank you very much.

I think that poster had the medication part backwards. Although, BPD isn't really treated with medication.
 
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DaisyDay

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Unfortunately, it is too often self-medicated.

My husband had a psychotic break once about fifteen years ago - medication was a lifesaver for him, but it was short term, just to get him stabilized.

Dialectical behavior therapy is standard for BPD nowadays, I think.
 
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bhsmte

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Unfortunately, it is too often self-medicated.

My husband had a psychotic break once about fifteen years ago - medication was a lifesaver for him, but it was short term, just to get him stabilized.

Dialectical behavior therapy is standard for BPD nowadays, I think.

Yes, it is.
 
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dayhiker

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I have a long distance GF who has 3 traits of BPD. I had to set boundaries with her and she has been learning to respect those boundaries.
Also learning how to regulate certain behaviors that lead to her verbally lashing out is helping her a whole lot.
 
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I have BPD and married. Luckily I have a very understanding husband who works through different practices with me when I get triggered. One thing I found that worked is when I'm triggered (acts out), my husband talks softly to me and says...

"I know you are scared and it's okay."
He just keeps saying it over and over...

At that point he stays in the room and stays silent with me for awhile. After 10 minutes or so, he gives me a hug and it usually dies down.
Message me if you want some other ideas....
 
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