spouses 6 hour calls

why me said:

She has expressed to her sister if I say anything to the other guy to alter their relationship that she would kick me out of our 29 year marriage.

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That is already happening.. The "other guy" is stealing your wife one emotional phone call at a time.

If she's not willing to accommodate your concerns, you might want to think about making preparations to protect yourself both financially and emotionally..

I'm not sure if this fits, but there's a thing called Post Traumatic Relationship Syndrome .. Something along the same lines as the Florence Nightingale effect maybe?

This other guy is developing a bond with your wife.. I'm guessing its not going to stop there.

You are wise to recognize the trouble.. An hour once or twice a week to share with a support entity is not a concern, but your description goes far beyond that.

The fact she said she would kick you to the curb if you interfered shows theres MORE going on then what she says. Maybe shes calling him or meeting him somewhere. I understand when people have certain issues and go to a group they can "bond" with another person. But that bond can easily turn into love if unchecked.

Now here are some other questions. Why is your wife going to this group? What is her depression from? Is it marriage related? Or something else?

Do you hear her end of the phone calls> Has anything like this ever happened before, has something changed in your relationship or in her life that she needs more support than usual, does she include you in her friendship, have you talked with her about how it's making you feel, have you asked her how she would feel or respond if you were to start talking to another woman for 6 hours a day, is the other guy married, etc.

why me said:

Hello all, My wife has befriended a guy she has met in a depression therapy group.
It started about 6 months ago and begin with short texts occasionally and it has progressed over time to be 2-3 phone calls per day and average about 6 hours per day on the phone. She is open about it and I see no inappropriate actions or words to date but only concerned what else it can evolve into. She already tells him she loves him but in a friendship manner but I see trouble brewing and I have emphasized my concerns about it and she under no circumstances will change anything she is doing. She says I am trying to control her but I do not mind her friendship with another man but this seems to be escalating by leaps and bounds.
She has expressed to her sister if I say anything to the other guy to alter their relationship that she would kick me out of our 29 year marriage.
I do not know what to do.
Anyone, please advise.

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On the control issue, you can just say, 'So what?' That's an area where you can insist on being respected as a husband. You can also point out that if the other man gets the wrong idea or develops the wrong feelings for her, that what she is doing can harm him, even if she isn't feeling that way.

If her relationship with the guy makes you uncomfortable, she should respect that. It sounds like this you heard from her sister was second hand. Do you think she said this because she is so close to the man, or because she'd consider you to be heartless for hurting a man who could turn suicidal or something like that?

My wife and I are both very much into church and ministry and she's talked to men on the phone about spiritual type things. I was really busy in grad school and didn't go to one of the Bible studies she went to. What we did when there was a young guy (quite a bit younger than her) a new believer, in her cell group who liked to get her advice about stuff, is I met him, got to know him, and I'd spend time talking to him on the phone, too. She also avoids situations where she's off along with a guy, and she would respect it if I were uncomfortable with a situation. If she tries to minister with a man in some way, she'll talk it over with me, and she's aware that just, in general, certain male-female situations can lead to temptation, even if it is on the part of the man and not her, or to people thinking bad things and hurting ones testimony.

My mom went to church once with a guy whose wife left him after having an affair with another man. He kept calling the house to talk. My dad isn't much of a talker when it comes to stuff like this, and he'd talk to my mom. He was a friend of my brother, but older than my brother. I don't think dad really liked the idea. Mom was drained talking to him, too, and wasn't interested. He may have talked to a lot of other people when he was depressed. You want to be compassionate with people going through struggles.

If you do think the man is pursuing her, you could talk with the man, no matter what your wife says, and express your concerns. But only do that, if, after prayer, it's the wisest course of action. Getting to know the man yourself, even if you have to attend meetings of the support group, might work best. Then he could call you instead of his wife, or you answer the phone and just talk to him without calling her. You can be compassionate and do a bit of 'mate guarding' at the same time, without kicking a depressed man while he is down. It may alleviate an emotional burden from your wife as well.

You could also get to know the man one-on-one without making it seem like 'mate guarding.' You could go to the meeting to support your wife. Then you meet the guy. Tell your wife, he sure seems depressed. Maybe spending some time doing X with other guys would help. Then one-on-one, or with a group, you invite him to do some guy stuff, hunting, fishing, basketball, watching a game, bowling, grilling burgers, or whatever it is you do that he'd also like to do. Your just hanging out with a guy who needs to develop some more social bonds, not confronting some guy from a support group who keeps calling your wife.

If he really crosses a line, then it might be appropriate to confront him about it. And it's easier to do that if you know him. If she really does leave you over that, better over that than over your doing nothing. If she said she would, that doesn't mean she will. Women's speech can sometimes reflect more their feelings in the moment than what they are really going to do.

Quote of Why Me

She has expressed to her sister if I say anything to the other guy to alter their relationship that she would kick me out of our 29 year marriage.

2-3 phone calls per day and average about 6 hours per day on the phone

She already tells him she loves him but in a friendship manner but I see trouble brewing and I have emphasized my concerns about it and she under no circumstances will change anything she is doing.

She has expressed to her sister if I say anything to the other guy to alter their relationship that she would kick me out of our 29 year marriage.


Ephesians 5
33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.


First Corinthians 13
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, …..

A few questions.

First - how old are you? Are you close to your 60's? Next, what group was she going to? Something like Emotions Anonymous? Lastly - what the heck is going on in that other dude's life where he has 6 hours a day free to talk to some lady on the phone?

This is completely unacceptable in a marriage.
one, married women should not maintain any close/intimate/sharing of feelings relationship with any man other than her husband.
two, if your wife is threatening to kick you out, then you know that her relationship with this man is more serious than she is even letting on.
three, you make it completely clear that it is an unacceptable and inappropriate line that has been crossed and it wont be tolerated or accepted.

This is difficult without knowing if your wife is a Christian and cares about what God's word says.
But you confront her first, then if she does not listen you confront her and bring someone else, like a family member. If that does not work you bring her to the church to be confronted by her pastor. Regardless of what she does you should still insist on following what God's word says about sin. Sadly, it can hurt your marriage even further, but doing it God's way can bring about true repentance and change from her.
I really pray she re-considers what she is doing.

That's a hard one. I think you're right that there is a problem. Having a close friend and confidante is extremely comforting, and we don't get too many of those in a lifetime. It would be a tall order to ask her to just call it off altogether, after establishing this routine and probably becoming emotionally dependent on it. Can you imagine the void that would create, especially in a person who is already, presumably, struggling with depression?

But there's a problem with the six-hour phone calls too. And it's not just the "emotional infidelity" angle. People who ruminate over their depression, by themselves or with others, can sometimes exacerbate it. I read about it a long time ago, and was also advised about it by a high school counselor while trying to be a good friend to someone with depression. Perhaps you should research it a bit and present that concern to her. From there, perhaps take the approach of spending more time with her and/or incorporate more friends into your circle. Encourage her to develop more friendships, and strengthen your marriage, rather than target that particular friendship for removal.

I think this is one of those situations where you will benefit from showing kindness and understanding more than being stern or demanding an end to the phone calls.