Hi Loyal
I feel your pain, as many of us here do. We sometimes think having God on our side means life should be easier, but most times it seems harder. I have learned to remind myself - Did Jesus have it easy? Was His life free from suffering? I mean, He was the Son of God Himself, you can't get any closer than that! But He suffered greatly. There was immense meaning in His sufferings that we know NOW, but no one knew while it was happening. I am 44, a survivor of SRA (satanic ritual abuse), I suffer a myriad of issues stemming from this including depression, PTSD, DID, extreme anxiety, and more. I have tried to kill myself several times. I am on SSI, food stamps, medicaid. I live with my mom and have never left home, never went to college, worked only 3 months of my life, no skills, I do not drive so I am isolated, very few friends...I could go on, but I wanted you to see that I understand where you are coming from and the pain of your situation. I am sorry you are struggling so much. I have tears in my eyes just typing this and I wish I could give you a hug. Please, let my words take hold in your heart - I have walked away from God. Things got much worse. I found that He has always been there, just not in the ways I wanted Him to be. I found He always hears my prayers, but sometimes the answer is "not yet", "that's not good for you, I have something better", "be patient, it will come", or "it will come when you learn what I am trying to teach you because your heart is not yet ready". I found that most of the heartache in this world is caused by the poor choices of people, not God, and our free will He will not interfere with. But He is there. When my father and others used me violently in horrible ways, I've no doubt He cried with me, held me, kept me safe from the worst of what humanity has the potential to offer.
He is with you, Loyal. His heart breaks with yours. He has a way out for you, but you need to let go of expectations and trust that He knows the best way there. The things you ask of Him, if He does not give them to you, are not the way to the greatness He has in store for you. Life is hard. People will hurt us. Circumstances will seem hopeless. But if we keep hold of His hand, it will all be worth it, that I can promise you.