Yes, a practicing Christian unbeliever who would like to have faith. What's dishonest about that?
Mother Theresa felt like you do, Mountain_Girl. So, it's not uncommon for various Christians to feel as if there is little or no meaning in what they do or in their attempts to have faith.
But, if you've hung in with Christianity for almost 50 years, you're doing more than a lot of people do. Many would have thrown in the towel years and years ago. By contrast, I say you're on the right track, and even though you don't feel the 'emotional' conviction that some other Christians claim to have, this doesn't mean you're somehow grossly deficient---it may just mean that you have more questions than the typical person.
Jesus said the path "to eternal life" is narrow and difficult, and it isn't something which all people will necessarily jump for joy about at all moments of their waking existence. Neither will they find that they can always avoid encountering some doubts along the way. It is for this reason that we see admonitions given to Christians by Jesus and His Apostles about
the importance of persevering in Christian faith--we have to learn to persevere since the Christian life isn't expected to be an easy, gratifying, or exultant, path for any of us. In fact, if there is anything to be exultant in, it is in what Paul states in Romans 5:1-5,
5 1 Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. 3 And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; 4 and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; 5 and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
In other words, our encounter with personal tribulations (whether physical or psychological) provide some of the 'proof' of the truth of Christianity and of our striving to have hope in God. So... part of the bible's "predictive model" is that we'll encounter challenges to our faith; and if we don't, then we might surmise that Christianity is false.
Don't give up on Jesus, Mountain_Girl. You've come this far, and you shouldn't focus so much on having epiphanies or ecstatic experiences (like tongue speaking or whatnot). Those are not 'proofs' of your possession of personal faith; rather, it is the Fruit of the Spirit (not spiritual gifts) that is the evidence of personal faith. Just know that, despite what you feel in the existential muddle of this life, Jesus Loves You, gave His life for too, and is drawing you to Himself with arms outstretched!
2PhiloVoid