How long until you must pick?

sundewgrower · Feb 6, 2016

JacquelineDeane55 said:
My little sister met her boyfriend on a Christian dating website, and then they started seeing each other in person. They have been dating face-to-face for about a year now and there is a high chance they will get married. They've been talking about it.

It's OK to meet someone online, as long as you actually see them face-to-face sometime. Otherwise it's not a real relationship.

That's where I'd like to go sometime if I do LDR.
Put the time in, see them, let it settle so both can mull it over, and go from there. It's just a really hard thing to find, and getting to the point of being able to communicate often for a few months isn't easy.

Deidre32 · Feb 6, 2016

JacquelineDeane55 said:
My little sister met her boyfriend on a Christian dating website, and then they started seeing each other in person. They have been dating face-to-face for about a year now and there is a high chance they will get married. They've been talking about it.

It's OK to meet someone online, as long as you actually see them face-to-face sometime. Otherwise it's not a real relationship.

Agree very much with this!! I think that social media, skype, etc just creates a false idea of a relationship, if you have never met the person face to face.

sundewgrower · Feb 6, 2016

Deidre32 said:
Agree very much with this!! I think that social media, skype, etc just creates a false idea of a relationship, if you have never met the person face to face.

I agree you can't build it on that most of the time. All it does is enable you to know a good part of them but to really have anything workable that you can deem a "relationship" you've gotta see them. I'd want to wait three to four months tops, then see how it rolls once I visit.

blackribbon · Feb 7, 2016

If you are "dating" online and your "relationship" does not involve any actual face to face contact, then I would say there should be no (as in zero) expectation of exclusiveness. And to assume that you are "exclusive" is just setting yourself up for disappointment because our "online" persona can be just that an invented and closely controlled representation of who we are...even when we honestly believe we are being truthful and open.

sundewgrower · Feb 7, 2016

blackribbon said:
If you are "dating" online and your "relationship" does not involve any actual face to face contact, then I would say there should be no (as in zero) expectation of exclusiveness. And to assume that you are "exclusive" is just setting yourself up for disappointment because our "online" persona can be just that an invented and closely controlled representation of who we are...even when we honestly believe we are being truthful and open.

I wish this thread would die. But I guess I'll keep it alive...

It's hard to manage and I could sound ambivalent. Heck I've never been on a date, and could be for all intensive purposes talking out of the wrong end....

Past a certain amount of communication I'd want to know they're interested in seeing me, and if we get along we'll consider commitment. During the time of communication before visiting, I'll have to figure out how long I want to put into it, and when we'd want to focus on each other enough to determine if a visit is worth it.

blackribbon · Feb 7, 2016

sundewgrower said:
I wish this thread would die. But I guess I'll keep it alive...

It's hard to manage and I could sound ambivalent. Heck I've never been on a date, and could be for all intensive purposes talking out of the wrong end....

Past a certain amount of communication I'd want to know they're interested in seeing me, and if we get along we'll consider commitment. During the time of communication before visiting, I'll have to figure out how long I want to put into it, and when we'd want to focus on each other enough to determine if a visit is worth it.

I don't think this thread is just about you anymore but rather a way to think through online dating for all of us. If any of us try online dating, these are things we all will have to think about and consider. We also have to deal with what the other people (those we communicate with) think and feel and it is important to remember that there is no "universally" accepted viewpoint. We have to remember that we are all different and our views and expectations aren't necessarily right or moral or ethical just because we believe them.

Travelers.Soul · Feb 7, 2016

If you want the thread to die you could contact a moderator or someone and ask them to close it.

sundewgrower · Feb 7, 2016

blackribbon said:
I don't think this thread is just about you anymore but rather a way to think through online dating for all of us. If any of us try online dating, these are things we all will have to think about and consider. We also have to deal with what the other people (those we communicate with) think and feel and it is important to remember that there is no "universally" accepted viewpoint. We have to remember that we are all different and our views and expectations aren't necessarily right or moral or ethical just because we believe them.

Yeah I sense that. I suppose it's just been crazy lately, and so I'm being overly sensitive for no apparent reason. You are correct in that.
More bantering on my observations and personal reflections....

I guess one thing is I don't enjoy it when people are friendly, and bale right when they sense a relationship won't work. Or they're on the friend boat (cool I'll take that clear cut friendship), but then just leave.. I understand they might find something a person said unappealing, or boring but why not give margin? What if a really attractive person just blew you off who seemed great in every way? Wouldn't you want him/her to cut you a little slack? I don't run off of looks really, but sometimes a women seems interesting, and then she's gone on the premise something better came along five minutes later.

I conclude online dating attracts a lot of people who aren't the "kinder" demographic if you will. So since it's more impersonal and need fulfilling than actual social interaction it can turn into a cold system. I like to joke about it as a "market", a "card game" or other thing to exemplify the somewhat cruel nature of the internet at large.

sundewgrower · Feb 7, 2016

Tossing in an easier usage of online dating...
You're in the same big city, you chat for two weeks, and maybe even give Skype a shot since you're both busy so you want to weed it out without scheduling a date. (that's my lame excuse for being nervous, and wanting to break the ice more)
Then you meet, and that's that for whatever is next. Such a situation sounds rather nice to say the least. Finding people in town that way isn't easiest since there aren't a lot looking for the same deal, etc. But I think keeping watch, and see what comes up time to time is smart.

CCHIPSS · Feb 8, 2016

sundewgrower said:
Yeah I sense that. I suppose it's just been crazy lately, and so I'm being overly sensitive for no apparent reason. You are correct in that.
More bantering on my observations and personal reflections....

I guess one thing is I don't enjoy it when people are friendly, and bale right when they sense a relationship won't work. Or they're on the friend boat (cool I'll take that clear cut friendship), but then just leave.. I understand they might find something a person said unappealing, or boring but why not give margin? What if a really attractive person just blew you off who seemed great in every way? Wouldn't you want him/her to cut you a little slack? I don't run off of looks really, but sometimes a women seems interesting, and then she's gone on the premise something better came along five minutes later.

I conclude online dating attracts a lot of people who aren't the "kinder" demographic if you will. So since it's more impersonal and need fulfilling than actual social interaction it can turn into a cold system. I like to joke about it as a "market", a "card game" or other thing to exemplify the somewhat cruel nature of the internet at large.

My current GF is one of the nicest people around. She is nearly always laughing and making jokes. And as you know I found her online.

I don't think we should generalize online dating. Just treat it as another method to chat and meet people. =)

ReesePiece23 · Feb 8, 2016

You know I love you Sundew, but how on earth do you keep getting yourself into these impossible situations?

I'm mystified as to how you do it.

sundewgrower · Feb 8, 2016

ReesePiece23 said:
You know I love you Sundew, but how on earth do you keep getting yourself into these impossible situations?

I'm mystified as to how you do it.

I told a girl I don't want to do emails anymore, and I'd rather just end the friendship since they were infrequent at best.
Then I wound up with some confession along with the thought of possible marriage, and whatever. She seemed cool, but it gave me a lovely headache, and didn't give me all the facts first. I get myself into this stuff since I befriend people online and it's so flipping remote here so you stick with what you can get.

ReesePiece23 · Feb 9, 2016

sundewgrower said:
I told a girl I don't want to do emails anymore, and I'd rather just end the friendship since they were infrequent at best.
Then I wound up with some confession along with the thought of possible marriage, and whatever. She seemed cool, but it gave me a lovely headache, and didn't give me all the facts first. I get myself into this stuff since I befriend people online and it's so flipping remote here so you stick with what you can get.

Rule it out, and write off what she said about marriage potential. I think you'll just end up going around in circles with this thing, because of the blatant mixed signals. I know some people will disagree with me and say that I'm just being overly cynical, but, I know people who have been through a situation similar to this - I to a degree, have been through it too, and what I can say is that it only ends in madness IF communication is out of sync - which in your case, it is.

If there was an understanding between the two of you, and the situation was consistent, then I'd say consider taking it seriously. But I'm willing to bet that she changes her tune within a month or two.

I would have replied last night, but I was 90 proof by the time I read your message. I was having a hard time finding the keys on my keyboard.

CCHIPSS · Feb 9, 2016

I think for LD relationships, it is very important to have real-time chats "face to face" with phones or webcams for at least 15 minutes a day. That way at least you get to see each other for a bit. Apps like WeChat are great for face-to-face chat over the cellphone.

sundewgrower · Feb 9, 2016

CCHIPSS said:
I think for LD relationships, it is very important to have real-time chats "face to face" with phones or webcams for at least 15 minutes a day. That way at least you get to see each other for a bit. Apps like WeChat are great for face-to-face chat over the cellphone.

I agree fully. Communication is key. She dropped a bomb, and was so busy she couldn't follow through with talking so it just put me through the ringer. If I ever do LDR I need to talk several times a week, at least a couple hours total for it to move.

sundewgrower · Feb 9, 2016

ReesePiece23 said:
Rule it out, and write off what she said about marriage potential. I think you'll just end up going around in circles with this thing, because of the blatant mixed signals. I know some people will disagree with me and say that I'm just being overly cynical, but, I know people who have been through a situation similar to this - I to a degree, have been through it too, and what I can say is that it only ends in madness IF communication is out of sync - which in your case, it is.

If there was an understanding between the two of you, and the situation was consistent, then I'd say consider taking it seriously. But I'm willing to bet that she changes her tune within a month or two.

I would have replied last night, but I was 90 proof by the time I read your message. I was having a hard time finding the keys on my keyboard.

I'm moving on and if a few weeks goes by without her giving me brilliant ideas I'm done.

Travelers.Soul · Feb 9, 2016

It sounds like you just need to be done, period. No more time, no more chances, just done.

sundewgrower · Feb 10, 2016

dreaminofireland said:
It sounds like you just need to be done, period. No more time, no more chances, just done.

I am done with it in my mind. Unless she has a crazy idea that sounds good I'm done.
Right now I'm chatting with a few nice women on a light and basic level. It's good, simple, and I'm moving on mentally as if I didn't I'd continue to be a total wreak.

Ubuntu · Feb 10, 2016

About your post about when to focus on one specific girl... I think you pretty much nailed it in your first post. Yes, talking to several girls on Skype daily or multiple times a week for a long time and then ditching them for someone else; well, that's not an ideal situation... I understand why you'd want to avoid this...

I'd say that your own feelings isn't the central issue here. The important thing here isn't to experience that golden moment when you realize that one girl is more “special” than the rest… Instead, the central issue here is that if we're befriending several girls at once, it's our responsibility to do all in our power to avoid breaking hearts. We shouldn't attempt to win hearts by making other girls sad and heartbroken. If we reach a point where people become hurt, then we've already gone too far.

I might be old fashioned, but personally I would be very careful about having several female friends at once if I thought of them as potential future girlfriends. (Obviously not thinking about female friends where a relationship is a non-issue.) Instead I would personally opt for befriending one girl at a time... It might be less "efficient" to do so, but I believe that dealing with hearts is a very delicate issue.

I'm obviously not suggesting that you have gone too far. You sound like you have your heart in the right place... You sound like a polite and considerate guy and I'm sure that many girls appreciates this trait in you.

blackribbon · Feb 10, 2016

Pondering a point: when did we become so desperate for companionship that we really can have a "broken heart" over someone we have never met in real life? I see people who talk online for weeks then meet the person...one actually feels some chemistry but the other doesn't and decides after one or two dates to move on...and the person who felt chemistry believes they have been "dumped" or betrayed or something similar. After two real life meetings? How do we even believe that this is a "relationship" yet? I think the broken heart is really just a broken hope and we need to recognize it as that.

I am not saying that I am not vulnerable to this irrational hope but don't we have some responsibility for owning our own hearts and keeping our expectations realistic? Did the other person really break our heart...or did WE actually break our own heart by putting too much responsibility on another person for providing us a sense of being loved way too early in a potential relationship?

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