widows and divorcees

Goodbook · Feb 9, 2016

I know this is a singles forum but some of us may be widows or divorcees and so have been married.

But as we are all singles, I want to discuss different aspects of singleness.
For example, I have friends/church sisters who are divorcees and others that are widows.

I was thinking how to relate to them, as even though I'm single, I don't have children for example. I get annoyed sometimes that, widows and divorcees can be quite needy.
And sometimes these needs are legitimate and other times its not a need but more like a complaint that I can't do anything about.

Thinking on this widows have my sympathy because their spouse has died and thus they are solo parent.
But often divorcees or separated couple say they are solo parent even when they aren't - eg they are co-parenting with their ex. I don't think they have a right to complain or place burdens on other people when they made wrong choices or lack forgiveness to their partner.

What do you think? What does the Bible say?

K9_Trainer · Feb 10, 2016

Goodbook said:
I know this is a singles forum but some of us may be widows or divorcees and so have been married.

But as we are all singles, I want to discuss different aspects of singleness.
For example, I have friends/church sisters who are divorcees and others that are widows.

I was thinking how to relate to them, as even though I'm single, I don't have children for example. I get annoyed sometimes that, widows and divorcees can be quite needy.
And sometimes these needs are legitimate and other times its not a need but more like a complaint that I can't do anything about.

Thinking on this widows have my sympathy because their spouse has died and thus they are solo parent.
But often divorcees or separated couple say they are solo parent even when they aren't - eg they are co-parenting with their ex. I don't think they have a right to complain or place burdens on other people when they made wrong choices or lack forgiveness to their partner.

What do you think? What does the Bible say?

What burdens do you think divorced parents are putting on other people?

redblue22 · Feb 10, 2016

I think you should stay away from both groups. What you said is not right.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

hmm you want a list?

redblue22 · Feb 10, 2016

a list of what?

sundewgrower · Feb 10, 2016

A widow sounds very straightforward compared to a divorcee.
I know it's not on topic exactly, but I was chatting with a friend on it, and we concluded that it's very understandable compared to a divorcee if you're younger in life.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

Mostly complaints about their children.
Married people usually sort this out together as parents but a widow may feel she has has no one to talk to and latch on to the nearest person, even if that person is not related or even has children to give useful advice.

But divorcees can be worse as they may impose on your time and expect you to spend all day with them helping them because they are to proud to ask their exes or estranged partners for help, since they dont even talk anymore. They will treat you like a subsitute spouse or even as a someone they expect can do favours all the time. Instead of asking, they become demanding.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

For example, maybe someone doesnt drive, but they dont bother to learn and are always cadging rides from other people. If their child needs to go to hospital they will ask someone else before they ask the childs dad even though he has a responisbilty to care for his own flesh and blood too, the fact that they are separated or divorced does not mean he is not respomsible for the children as well.

The divorcee will refuse to ask for what is the dads duty and expect someone else to take that role. Because they too proud to ask. Then the person who is kind enough to offer becomes like that persons using person...to use for rides and everything. But they are not the caregiver, the parent is, both are meant to be.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

Also, instead of paying for a taxi, they may use you even if you dont know the way to go, have other things planned etc. i mean not saying that you have to say yes to that kind of thing but you will be called on and assumed you are always free to manage their crisis of not having a husband at home. Or maybe they ask if they can dump things at your house because they dont have the room, and assume you do, things like that. Things they would have to pay for, they cadge of you but ina way you feel that you just seen as like a support person instead of a friend who also needs reciprocation.

Im talking about some female widows and divorcees, i dont really have much contact with male ones. Although I remember one widower at church he talked to me a lot because he didnt have his wife to sit with, he was elderly and actually quite nice but he didnt ask for favours or hint he needed anything from me, just someone to chat with before the service.

So not everyone is like this but widows will have needs and divorcees will always have needs and complaints and sometimes a lot of bitterness towards their exes as well. I dont like to be the emotional dumping ground for that and their inabiltiy to cope with relationships.

Elliewaves · Feb 10, 2016

wow , honey. You are like the best Christian here! May you always be treated with the same compassion you show others!

Ubuntu · Feb 10, 2016

There are three groups of people that are specifically singled out in the Bible as people we should take special care of… These groups are a) widows, b) fatherless children, and c) immigrants.

See for instance Psalms 68:5 & Deuteronomy 27:19 ...

Ubuntu · Feb 10, 2016

Divorce wasn't so widespread in Biblical times as it is today, which is why the focus in the Bible is on the widows. But generally I'd say that we should try to help divorcees as much as we can, even in the cases where they've made bad decisions in the past. I do believe that the principles behind the many verses in the Bible about widows, also to a large degree can be applied to modern day divorcees who must raise children alone.

I'm sure that raising children alone is difficult, even in cases where you have joint custody over the children. You'll have to live on a single wage whereas you previously had two wages. And then there is the psychological issue, having to raise children without a special someone to consult with about day-to-day matters.

Being a single without children is a privilege in many ways, we only have to care for ourselves. I don't think that being “bothered” by divorcees or widows is a big deal, instead we should be thankful for the opportunity to do good to someone who needs our help. True, some people might be ungrateful or difficult to be around, but this is a problem with people in general, and it's not something that applies to divorcees more than other people...

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

Hmm
I think, because im always helping widows, fatherless, immigrants, that I get drained sometimes. They have more needs than other people. And you right it is a provelige, even a blessing to be able to help someone and do good, jewish people would call this mitsvot.

But divorcees, seem to be a different kind, well, I would say you have to be wary because they might be unrepentant adulterers. Its adifferent case if the divorcee was left because their spouse was unfaithful, but if they were the unfaithful one they need to be rebuked. Experience has shown me this.

As for widows, there are case in which they may have contributed to the spouses death, they are called black widows. They are not sad that their spouse died. But you dont always know peoples circumstances and history upon meeting them.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

There seem to be a LOT of divorcees around my area. I don't know if its a church problem too when people go into ill advised marriages, and some of that needs to be addressed to the ministers that married them in the first place, no proper pre-marital counselling.

As women tend to live longer than men widows are more common than widowers.
Also noticed that in most cases of divorce, the woman was abandoned by the husband who was unfaithful, and custody is left to the mother..esp if the children are girls.

But I have also met divorcees who aren't entirely honest to themselves and me for the reason they got divorced. I have met some who manipulate, or once they are single, go on looking for the next partner. I would think if they were involved in such a terrible marriage they would be glad to be free, not go looking for another. if it was just that they needed a husband I would think they just didn't work on their own marriage and stick it out, or think to ask God to restore it.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

in terms of financial issues, the single parent is always going to have it harder, for a widow, its understandable, but for the divorcee esp if they chose to be divorced, thats just a reality and consequence of divorce. They shouldn't be placing their financial needs on other people, expecting them to ALWAYS help out when perhaps they should be asking their divorce lawyer to mediate with the other parent so that he knows he is responisible, he can't just run off and leave his own children and not support them growing up.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

the Bible says if any man does not provide for his own household he is worse than an infidel..well, I don't know what can be done for deadbeat dads and the financial messes they leave their battered wives.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

I suppose just like their are orphanages for children there are homes for women who ended up marrying scoundrels. But I think they can relate to other women better who've been through the same...? I don't judge them but it can be difficult relating to them and caring for them.

William67 · Feb 10, 2016

Goodbook said:
Hmm
I think, because im always helping widows, fatherless, immigrants, that I get drained sometimes. They have more needs than other people. And you right it is a provelige, even a blessing to be able to help someone and do good, jewish people would call this mitsvot.

But divorcees, seem to be a different kind, well, I would say you have to be wary because they might be unrepentant adulterers. Its adifferent case if the divorcee was left because their spouse was unfaithful, but if they were the unfaithful one they need to be rebuked. Experience has shown me this.

As for widows, there are case in which they may have contributed to the spouses death, they are called black widows. They are not sad that their spouse died. But you dont always know peoples circumstances and history upon meeting them.

"Black widows/widowers" usually end up in prison. But, there is nothing wrong with a widow/widower who's spouse died from illness/accident/suicide or was murdered.

I do agree about adulterers/adulteress.

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

many divorcees end up going back to their parents and regret marrying in the first place. Maybe they were rebellious and didn't listen to their parent's advice. The worst is to hear divorcees regret that they had children, or widows who end up with problem children as they have no godly father to raise and guide them.

that said, married parents also have difficulties but they at least parent together and talk through their problems and financial issues.

Most divorcees have just one or two children at most, I haven't really heard of people who split up that had more than that. Although, I know of a seperated family that had four children but they still live together. It really is hard on the children when they at a vulnerable age at the time of divorce. Probably much harder to get over than the loss of a parent, because, a child of divorce cannot trust their parents to be truthful, esp if adultery is involved (and it usually is).

Goodbook · Feb 10, 2016

I mean we will all lose our parents at some stage of our lives if we don't go first.

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