How important is physical attraction in a successful marriage?

I would suggest that you consider broadening your "image" of what an attractive guy looks like, and instead look for particular physical characteristics you find attractive. For example, instead of comparing guys to Brad Pitt (or whomever), figure out what kind of eyes you like, what kind of chin you like, etc. and look for those in the guys you will meet. People are "package deals", and rarely does the entire package fit society's idea of "good-looking".

Physical attraction has its place in relationships, but it usually comes down to liking particular features of a person you are compatible with.

Just for perspective, most of those attractive guys who are already taken will be available sometime in the next few years. Be careful; if they were that great in relationships, most wouldn't be "available" later.

It's not surprising that you would find attractive what other ladies do; that's kind of natural.

Maybe I can use an example of what I mean:

When I met my wife at a party, I wasn't bowled over by her beauty. She was a bit heavy, and her face was quite plain. Most guys wouldn't give her a second glance.

What caught my attention was (1) her intelligence, (2) her common sense, and (3) her natural, unpretentious attitude. We arranged a date for the next weekend, and...things only got better from there.

As we spent more time together, I came to notice her big eyes, her lush red hair, her hourglass figure (which I really like), her finely-detailed fingers and toes, and many other attributes which didn't jump out at first, but which I found attractive. It just took some time to see them.

Yes, I wish she looked like a movie star, but...overall, I couldn't ask for a better wife. We're still crazy about each other after 34 years.

While physical attraction is what first caught my eye with my husband, that's not what made me choose to marry him. Looks can only take a person so far. His love of God and his soul made me say yes.

Looks matter a little. Little. If you take an average person with a great personality, that person becomes better looking. If you take someone handsome and he is an immature, lazy, foul-mouthed jerk, his looks won't matter one iota. It is rare to find someone who has both handsome looks as well as a great personality as well as the ability to love a wife like he should.

Also, if someone is very attractive when you're young, does not mean they will be attractive when they are older, or even always. If you wait half your life to find the most attractive person with a great personality, that person could have an illness or an accident the day after you wed, leaving them with horrid scars or worse... and leaving them for no longer being attractive is not really justifiable because you vow to love that person for better or worse.

So looks matter, but they should matter little in the big scheme of what really matters. I'd rather have someone who does not have the features I prefer but loves me well, than someone I can't stand but is pretty arm candy.

leothelioness said:

I get told a lot that looks don't really matter all that much when choosing a partner suitable for marriage, but I think it's important. The problem is that the types of guys who have an aesthetic I am attracted to are usually taken. The ones that are left for me to choose from are not attractive to me at all.

Admittedly, I am very picky and I don't want to be unrealistic about looks in a potential partner and possibly pass over a great guy because he's not attractive to me.

Should I lower my standards and date men I don't find physically attractive or should I hold out and possibly be alone forever?

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There is a passage in the Old Testament about taking captives from conquered cities. If a man sees a beautiful woman among the captives, there was a way he could marry her. I notice it says a beautiful woman. That indicates to me that God may acknowledge the importance, to us, of being with someone we find attractive.

Of course 'beautiful', there, if I recall correctly is 'yapheh' which is 'noble' in the passage about the Proverbs 31 woman. So it's not only physical beauty. But the guy is just looking at the captives and sees one as beautiful. We are also told that Rebecca was beautiful. Apparently that was a plus for a wife for Isaac.

Something I've noticed over the years is that other men will think women are beautiful that I don't think are all that attractive. And when I was young and looking for a wife, I might find a woman attractive that another man might not find that attractive. There are some women that most men find attractive, and there are some that certain men find attractive. It also works the same way for women.

You can see it on dating game shows, where certain women find a man attractive and another do not. It's subjective.

So if the women are passing up on all the unattractive men, maybe you can find one most women don't care for that you find very attractive.

I think looks are a little important. They help get the relationship started. You can pray about your heart if you are too focused on it. It's possible to be too picky about looks, and maybe you could find someone you find attractive, just not super attractive like supermodel good looks or whatever. You should be looking at a lot of other things besides looks that are more important.

I am very physically attracted to my husband, but I never considered physical traits when looking for a spouse. What's on the inside makes a person beautiful. It may sound corny, but it's simple. I was more attracted to my husbands kindness and how he treated me as a person/woman, then what his physical attributes were.

I think there is big distinction between physical attractiveness - a certain bone structure or hair color that you have a preference for - and physical attraction - all the facets of a person that gets your motor running. I think physical attraction - not attractiveness - is pretty important actually. Not the sole importance, certainly. Having similar goals and values, having godly character, kindness, honesty, etc., etc., etc. (everything people will tell you to look for in a spouse) - those are all very, very important. But physical love is unique to a marriage relationship, and having no physical desire for your spouse tends to cause lots of problems. However if you're basing your physical desire based on a certain jawline or hair color, you're not looking at the right things to inspire your mojo. In my case, for instance, the facts that my husband does his darnedest to be a godly husband and father and can make me laugh about anything are just about the sexiest things about him.

Btw, for a lot of people, a partner meeting some bare minimum criteria for looks helps get the ball rolling in the relationship. It's more important to some people than others. In the long term, it is definitely not the most important thing in the relationship.

I would say it is very important. If you do not find your partner attractive, you will not want to be with them.

leothelioness said:

Should I lower my standards and date men I don't find physically attractive or should I hold out and possibly be alone forever?

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If attractiveness is important to you, then you must treat it as a factor accordingly when considering a date. Not to do so would be lying to yourself and setting yourself up for failure. That said, try and understand yourself better by understanding what makes you "picky". If you can work towards genuinely making yourself less picky, you will be better off.

I find attractiveness helps a lot even long term. Yet, getting to know a person and if I love who they are as a person can sure make a woman who isn't as attractive to seem more attractive.

In the beginning, you don't have to pay much attention to it. Before you get married you seriously have to ask yourself whether you feel enough attraction to this person to make love to him/her--and yes, physicality is part of that equation.

After you get married and sex becomes part of your relationship, you will find things to love about your partner's looks as you study them in the light of marital intimacy, things you almost certainly never noticed while dating no matter how he/she looks in clothes. But--BUT--know that your partner's looks and body WILL change, a LOT, and thus your view of his or her appearance must continue to evolve.

leothelioness said:

I get told a lot that looks don't really matter all that much when choosing a partner suitable for marriage, but I think it's important.

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I used to hear that all the time and I've always thought it was a bunch of baloney. That whole "I don't care what he looks like just as long as he has a good personality" philosophy. And how often do you see a really beautiful woman with a really ugly guy or vice versa? That's right... not very often. The reason is that too many people are shallow when it comes to looks vs. personality and they aren't willing to admit it. Looks DO play a role. Now how big of a role they play is extremely subjective.

My personal view on this is that you MUST be physically attracted to your partner on some level. And I'm referring to just the person's "looks" and not even considering their personality or other traits. We've all been told not to judge a book by its cover. Sadly, most people only see the cover and never open the book because first impressions go a long way in determining actions.

leothelioness said:

Should I lower my standards and date men I don't find physically attractive

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I think this would all depend on what you have as "standards." If one of your standards is that you feel a man must be physically fit (because you take healthy eating and exercise very seriously) then I'd say you're never going to be happy dating / marrying someone who is 30 lbs overweight. On the other hand if one of your standards is that your potential date / husband has to be over 6 ft tall (because you're almost 6ft tall yourself) then you're probably selling yourself "short" (no pun intended) on a lot of potential men.

Darkhorse said:

For example, instead of comparing guys to Brad Pitt (or whomever), figure out what kind of eyes you like, what kind of chin you like, etc. and look for those in the guys you will meet.

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Definitely have to agree with this idea. Very rarely are you going to find the "package deal."

Darkhorse said:

As we spent more time together, I came to notice her big eyes, her lush red hair, her hourglass figure (which I really like), her finely-detailed fingers and toes, and many other attributes which didn't jump out at first, but which I found attractive. It just took some time to see them.

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My wife said she was attracted to my eyes. I never could understand that because up until we met in person the only picture she had ever seen of me was my senior year high school picture. And back then I wore glasses with a dark tint on the lenses so I don't know how she could tell... One thing that I find extremely attractive are beautiful hands. Not necessarily something that men look at right away. There are many different parts to the human body. It's not just about a beautiful face, a nice butt, large breasts, or big muscles. Yes those things are desirable by a lot of men and women, but they aren't the totality of a person's body.

Odetta said:

I think there is big distinction between physical attractiveness - a certain bone structure or hair color that you have a preference for - and physical attraction - all the facets of a person that gets your motor running. I think physical attraction - not attractiveness - is pretty important actually.

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Personally I think this is the best way to think about it overall. There are two distinct parts to being attracted to someone - their physical attributes are one part and their personality and character is the other. They go hand-in-hand and the idea is to strike a balance that works for you. Most people will strike some kind of balance towards the middle of that spectrum. There aren't many that will live out on the fringes (all based on physical attributes or all based on personality and character).

You'll have to consider what is more important to you - 1) how the person looks physically, 2) what kind of personality and character the person has, 3) what kinds of beliefs and morals does the person have.

leothelioness said:

All of those are important to me (as they should be) and I hope I can find someone who fulfills all of them. I'm good with waiting until I find that person.

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That's what it took for me. Until I met my husband, I saw all guys as ugly or not ugly (so harsh D: ),but I'd never call any of them attractive. When he walked in the room - slightly overweight, hairy arms (I don't like body hair), balding already in his 20's - it was just like the light came on. He had my attention instantly. I was attracted to his attitude, and the more we talked and I got to know him, the more I saw physical features I liked - his broad chest and shoulders, his huge smile, his remaining hair all soft and fluffy, his strong arms.

Be patient, and something will click.

I think your question of "should I lower my standards or risk being alone" is a false dichotomy. Get rid of your notion of "standards" and also please do not fear being alone. You should proceed into the world with an open heart and looking for a man that you are attracted to, physically and spiritually. It seems that you have doubts that this is possible. Don't fear, it is VERY possible, in fact, probable. You just have to be open to it, and realize you may not have as much control over it as you think. Don't place the responsibility for "picking" someone on yourself. Let God take over.

I'm short, fluffy and quite ordinary looking. My husband thinks I look like a Victoria's Secret model. He's tall, slender and balding. I'd rather have him than Brad Pitt. We're now in our 50s and so far so good...after almost 20 years we're still attracted to each other. Looks ain't everything.

I will say you cannot find that guy ugly. If you first see a guy and you feel he is ugly, then most likely he wasn't meant for you.

Neither do you have to feel super hot toward a guy. Those are just passion and lust. They are not actual love.

What's more important is his character. Does he act like Jesus? Was he kind to not just his friends but also his enemies? Does he volunteer for the vulnerable? Does he love his parents who he knew way too well (because one day he will also know you way too well)? etc

Character is more important than looks in God's kingdom. Once again not saying looks aren't important. But you have to figure out a balance. =)