advice to give to a mother

Goodbook · Feb 6, 2016

What biblical advice would you give to a mother who is a widow, and a christian who has a son who is in his thirties and has never left home.

She keeps saying to me when we talk about things that she wants her son to move out of home but I don't have any advice to give her because
1) its not easy for people to set up flat these days in my town. It's not cheap
2) it seems like she would even push her son to give live with his gf, which isn't christian, because they are not married and have no plans to marry, they are not even engaged.
3) he has traveled abroad, so its not like he's disabled, he has his own business

I haven't actually met him or had a conversation with him, so I don't know what he is like but he doesn't go to church with her.
She has one other son who has married so she's got grandchildren, and I asked her if he would stay with his relatives like uncles but she says they can't take him in as they aren't well.

I just think she must learn to appreciate him while he's still with her, but I know it can be annoying I guess, primarily because he fixes up boats and leaves them all over their property, because people default on their payments.

Goodbook · Feb 6, 2016

I mean I would pray but I don't really know what to pray in this situation, except Gods will for them both. I think she's just frustrated and would actually like to move to a smaller house as the house they are in is their family home and it's quite big and probably reminds her of her late husband all the time.

BFine · Feb 6, 2016

Pray and encourage her to speak heart to heart
with her son about the matter.

[Ask the Lord to give her wisdom about the situation
she's shared with you.]

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I'm going to have to pray about this and ask Him because its really annoying me. I wouldn't want my own mother to push me out of the house, it really hurt when my dad tried to do it years ago. You can't have children and then refuse to care for them even when they older, if you want them to move out before they marry you need to provide for them at least, so you know they are safe or give them options.

Hank77 · Feb 7, 2016

Goodbook said:
I mean I would pray but I don't really know what to pray in this situation, except Gods will for them both. I think she's just frustrated and would actually like to move to a smaller house as the house they are in is their family home and it's quite big and probably reminds her of her late husband all the time.

She could sell the house and buy a smaller house or even rent a small place for awhile. As long as he is financially stable she shouldn't feel any guilt for doing that. He will be fine and the problem will be solved.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

Well she had been talking about selling the house and i dont know why she hasnt put it on the market...she wants the neighbour to cut down their tree, and then last year her basement got flooded...she had it painted but I dont know if you should pour money into adding value or renovations and not just sell it as it is. Its a two story home with a decent size section, so not sure why she is stalling.

If she sold it and bought a smaller home and gave any money left over to her son as inheritance would that work? I just got the feeling she wanted to be rid of her son...? I dont understand that.

I asked the Lord and he gave me scripture out of exodus, which was weird, about keeping the sabbath holy, and how on that day you shouldnt do any work and not even make your son work. Yesterday, saturday was the sabbath and she didnt want to spend it with her son and he was having dramas with his gf. We went out to see a movie as her car was broken down she felt stuck and couldnt go anywhere. So she was glad i called to go out. Then when we got back to her home and saw his car was still there, he was at home she said to me she wished he wasnt home when she got back.

..??

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I did ask what her son did for dinner if she wasnt home and she said she didnt know, and didint care, I was puzzled...i once asked her if he ever made dinner and she said he wasnt interested in learnign cooking. So I dont know if they even eat together.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

He doesnt come to bible study and she hosts it at her house. I just find it weird hes never talked to me although once i think he waved but if he is home hes in the basement or outside working on his boats. She does say hes a christian though and she prays for him but..ive never seen him at church. I dont know if its because he works or he just doesnt go or goes elsewhere.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

Hank77 said:
She could sell the house and buy a smaller house or even rent a small place for awhile. As long as he is financially stable she shouldn't feel any guilt for doing that. He will be fine and the problem will be solved.

Hes not financially stable. People owe him money.
Also as mentioned its very expensive to rent in auckland now.

She is not feeling guilty. Actually she is the opposite it seems she just wants him gone so she can sell up.

Boidae · Feb 7, 2016

I don't really have any advice, but I too am currently living at home with my parents during my current separation and looming divorce.

I can tell you it is not easy. I am 41 years old, but constantly butt heads with my mom. It's gotten better since I moved back home in August, but there is still conflict at times. I know that while I am at home, I am to follow the rules of the house, even at 41 years old, but it's tough to do so since I know that I am a grown adult. She wants me to handle things differently than I do when it comes to the divorce or my future ex-wife. When I have my kids she tells me how I should parent.

Having me home is not easy on my parents either. That much I know. I do help around the home, so there is that.

While I realize that it's not the same situation, I'm pretty sure that he is going through many of the same things. It is not easy living at home with your parents when you're a grown adult.

I hope to be out of here by the end of the year, just need to get my EMT certification back and start working as an EMT, then I can afford a place of my own. It's not easy finding a three bedroom (or two bedroom) apartment/house here in Florida either. Need at least a two bedroom for the kids when I have them.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I just find it disturbing...maybe God wants her to spend more quality time with her son? I never see them together so I dont know how they interact.

The bible says to be a friend to the fatherless and the widow.

I have an aunty thats a widow with two sons still living with her at home and cant imagine them ever leaving her on her own. They are in their 20s now but even so, most if the widows I know have children that they live with or are around other family.

QuietBeauty · Feb 7, 2016

I think that if he has a good job and is able to move out then why not? I feel that if he is staying there just to stay there then he needs to move out. The mother should put her foot down because it is her house and unless he has a valid reason for staying there such as a disability or something, then he should move out. I feel that he should move out because the mother deserves to have her own space, She's raised the kids and now she should be able to live on her own. He should respect his mother by letting her have her own space. If she really wants him to move out she needs to give him a move out date and be stern.

Hank77 · Feb 7, 2016

Goodbook said:
I just find it disturbing...maybe God wants her to spend more quality time with her son? I never see them together so I dont know how they interact.

The bible says to be a friend to the fatherless and the widow.

I have an aunty thats a widow with two sons still living with her at home and cant imagine them ever leaving her on her own. They are in their 20s now but even so, most if the widows I know have children that they live with or are around other family.

Not every widow needs their children to care for them. If she got married fairly young she has been a caregiver most of her life, maybe she would just like to live on her own for awhile. Mom's can feel responsible for everyone in her home. Maybe she would like a break from that, a breather.
A time when she can cook if she wants to, or not. A time to just clean up after herself. Just peace and quiet that she can count on or play Bach on high volume at midnight. Whatever.

And maybe if she told her son how she feels he would be relieved. He may be wanting to move out on his own but feels like he shouldn't for her sake, and that isn't fair to him.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I don't think he wants to move out. plus he can't really when he's got those boats as there's nowhere to put them and people are defaulting on their payments.

I don't know if she has had a heart to heart talk with her son, or whether she's afraid to talk to him, I mean, if my mum didn't want me around she would definitely let me know.

I find it odd she would complain to me about it, I mean, I still live at home and I don't want to move out, I can't anyway. Not just because its cheaper but theres no where to move to. She can't hint that he move out without giving him any options, I just find that stupid. sorry. Europeans are funny that way I find. I've noticed that some people just assume that everyone moves out when they get older but thats not the case.

As she's getting older she may need to move to a retirement village in the end anyway if she doesn't want family looking after her or keeping company.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I just thought she ought to change her attitude and actually try to get along with her son better. Its like people that get divorced cos they don't like each other. But they were family.

its not fair on the son as he's got nowhere to go really, there will always be homes for old folk but not for single young people these days as flatting is only temporary.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I really don't have much sympathy for her as she's the mum so she ought to tell her son how she feels. Not me.

I am tired of people complaining to me about stuff I can't do anything about.

Goodbook · Feb 7, 2016

I think I will just stop hanging around her, she wanted me to go back to her bible study but I tell her I'm busy on those days, I already go to a monday one, I can't always go to bible study all the time.

Her son ought to be studying the bible with her but he's never there. I think when she married she wasn't a christian and so her husband (his dad) wasn't one but then she became one and he wasn't. Not sure, but I know that the boys while raised in church probably followed their father. He has asked her to pray for him but as far as I know he isn't a christian.

And its not up to ME to tell him as he doesn't even talk to me. I just feel disturbed and uncomfortable around her when she brings up this topic and like she's judging me for living at home with my folks as well, like she will say to me 'did you think about moving out when you were away on holiday'? And so I said no, which was the truth, I thought no more about it. I was having too much fun. Why would I think about it anyway? I haven't made any plans to, haven't bought a house, signed a tenancy agreement, found a job in another town, so why would I????

Goodbook · Feb 8, 2016

Also in the bible says a man leaves his father and mother to cleave to his WIFE. not for any other reason.

You don't just move out for no good reason because your mum just can't handle living with you. I understand when children move out because their parents are tyrants and make them want to leave home, but not this.

Goodbook · Feb 8, 2016

Hank77 said:
Not every widow needs their children to care for them. If she got married fairly young she has been a caregiver most of her life, maybe she would just like to live on her own for awhile. Mom's can feel responsible for everyone in her home. Maybe she would like a break from that, a breather.
A time when she can cook if she wants to, or not. A time to just clean up after herself. Just peace and quiet that she can count on or play Bach on high volume at midnight. Whatever.

And maybe if she told her son how she feels he would be relieved. He may be wanting to move out on his own but feels like he shouldn't for her sake, and that isn't fair to him.

she should just go on holiday if she needs a breather, thats what I do.

Goodbook · Feb 8, 2016

epiphany. She hasn't been taking her sabbaths.

She ought to go on a sabbatical, go travelling on her own for a year or two, and then he can have the house and look after it while she's away. And then decide what to do with it then, he might have a taste of truly independent responsible bill paying living for a year and then might want his own place or have it fixed up ready to sell. She's much too stressed I think living there.

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