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what are you feeling right now? (23)

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chaoticfirefly

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Oh those terrible moods in the end we turn on ourselves, talk about being explosive, or isn't it that kind

I don't think I'm turning this on myself. More like, my soon to be roommate is some kind of pedo and rape apologist who thinks its cool pretend that she doesn't have empathy and is actively trying to kill her pets because she no longer wants any of them and I've been drinking a lot tonight even tho i work in eight hours and i am so sick of pretending i'm happy and nothing hurts and want to be spiteful to that "friend" i mentioned yesterday by making sure she can't take it back
 
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Jeshu

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I don't think I'm turning this on myself. More like, my soon to be roommate is some kind of pedo and rape apologist who thinks its cool pretend that she doesn't have empathy and is actively trying to kill her pets because she no longer wants any of them and I've been drinking a lot tonight even tho i work in eight hours and i am so sick of pretending i'm happy and nothing hurts and want to be spiteful to that "friend" i mentioned yesterday by making sure she can't take it back

I'm afraid that the 'friends' you currently keep will not bring you your good life back.
 
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chaoticfirefly

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I'm afraid that the 'friends' you currently keep will not bring you your good life back.

i know right

i've been trying to find other people, the college here offers creative writing classes that anyone can join for free and they host the year authors visit thing (i forget the name) and been trying to socialize with my co-workers and avoiding the toxic people while keeping a close eye on roomie and her activities and trying to keep her pets alive simultaneously. i know the person who gave her, her cat personally (in fact we were best friends in high school). I may just say something to her tomorrow. And make an anonymous report to the police department on Monday.

The other girl, I'm just ignoring her.
 
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blessedbethyname101

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I'm tired today. Today we had craft day. We made aroma jars and decorated them they way we wanted. I made mine with pink and gold glitter and put peppermint, rose, and lavender as scents. It smells kind of interesting but the aroma jar looks really cute. Afterwards, I played with the children and am exhausted now.

I feel ok. I don't feel on top of this world but am just feeling so-so. I had a good time today. I did not have a chance to talk to people that much though. I was too busy playing.

Tomorrow, I go to church again. I think I will try to come home early to rest.
 
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its supposed to blizzard pretty badly, starting at six tonight. just when i thought that maybe we could get a warm winter. the snow should go elsewhere, like the south. or canada. or minnesota.
 
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MBHammer

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its supposed to blizzard pretty badly, starting at six tonight. just when i thought that maybe we could get a warm winter. the snow should go elsewhere, like the south. or canada. or minnesota.
Not been great here in England either. Wind, rain and flooding. Not sure I have ever been in a blizzard though.
 
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Tempura

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Matthew 25:15 mentions that gifts and talents are give "according to one's ability". So all I am capable of doing is giving away money, clicking links all day and babysitting a mentally handicapped person because I can't handle anything else?

I must be really ____ing worthless, am I?

Even the ability to encourage, and EVEN SERVING, is considered as a gift in Paul's letters. Mundane, good things. When we want something special, it's easy to overlook these simple things. You may have gifts you don't even recognize, because you are focusing on other things. You are not worthless, no matter what you say. I will not believe it, and you sure can't fool God.


Why? Because God had this wonderful idea to give me numerous disabilities, trials and tribulations while giving those who abused me a life of ease and comfort. I have Psalms 73 in mind but I'm getting real tired of waiting for my reward while everyone else gets to enjoy life.

Then why do people say that He tests us? How many times do I have to flunk the test in order for him to stop sending trials to me? I just want to drop out of this class instead of repeating it over and over again.

I don't think God gives us disabilities. They're just something some of us have to deal with. Nature. My aunt had down's syndrome and CP. What's that in english, cerebral palsy? She was very handicapped. Nobody thought God was punishing her. She lived a simple life, had to be taken care of all the time. I love how childish she was, happy about little things. I'm sure she wanted to be normal and it weighed her heart, but she lived, and then she died. I don't remember her as God's punching bag, neither does anyone else.

People say "God's testing you" because it's an easy answer. And sometimes it might be true. I see it like this: whatever hardships we have, it can bring us closer to God. Some of the things are something that we have no control of, so all we can do is humble ourselves in front of God, and try to learn from it as much as possible. Some people who live with very difficult things are also very important in advising and comforting the ones in the same position. Many of them can be truly inspiring, and some of them don't even know how many people they have affected.

Whenever I suffer from something, I never think it's from God. I don't see Him as a cruel trickster. If God is love, and He gave His only begotten Son for us, He wants us to be relieved. And God gives plenty in spirit, even if we don't always have the patience.


I just happen to be good at complaining and putting it into writing. Same as all those LiveJournal accounts.

Doesn't matter if you're complaining. The skill remains the same. You have something you want to express, and you express it well. It works, and you're good at it.

Yes, I give generously but people abuse that. I get freeloaders and scam artist milking my generosity. I babysit my mentally handicapped friend because no one else wants to be around me. I click links on Free Rice all day because my Asperger's allow me to do mundane tasks for hours on end. No skills involved whatsoever.

I can't monetize any of this to support myself. Why do I have to do all the work while others get all the reward in life? Many successful Christians will get the best of both worlds while I have to get 18 years of a terrible childhood, 5 shorts years to recover from it and an eternity of a fixed position that may or may not be what I would want.

Yes, some people do that. It's their shame, not yours. You'll get smarter about it, and you'll get better at knowing who to give. Not that giving for even those people isn't wrong, but it can bring you down.

Many christians are killed because of their faith. They have nothing. I'm not saying that you don't matter because you're not dying right now, or that you don't matter because someone else has it worse. I'm saying that God cares about your heart, and you are just as important as the succesful ones. God doesn't pick his favorites and throw around money and success for them. We do, the people do. And if we don't, the greedy ones manage to get it anyway. Much like the people who abuse your generosity, they only care about getting something, even if they have to lie and cheat to get it. Many of them worship money. And it's impossible to worship both money and God.


When I was a child, I did charity work so people could praise me. It was one of the few methods that got people to give me positive reinforcement and good treatment instead of using negative reinforcement, put downs and social neglect. People have always looked down on me and I literally had to pay them in order to honor me. When I learned of eternal rewards, I worked for Heaven and the praise I got on Earth was just a bonus.

Good, you understand that any praise here is not the point. And if you stopped giving, it's not like Christ's mercy would be taken away from you. This is why I said that I hope you don't give grudgingly, feeling bad for yourself. Because when you understand the nature of God's unconditional love, and truly accept it, you want to give, out of happiness and feeling thankful.

I really hope so. I'm not expecting anything grand in Heaven though. I'm afraid on judgment day He's going to humiliate me in front of billions and sentence me to clean the sewers for an eternity because I wasn't the super saint that radical Christians expect me to be.

I apologize for being so negative but I'm really losing my grip on all of this. I never had a revelation from Heaven or an angel telling me what I'm suppose to do and everything I did in life was through trial and error. Quite frankly, I am sick of this.

That sounds like people. You know, like the people who have abused you. That sounds like the world we have. That doesn't sound like God. God gives his only Son for us, and that son is the good shepherd who lays down His life for us. That is perfect love and perfect grace. God isn't like people. He is love, and He is perfect. You will not be humiliated. God's love doesn't come with a catch. Instead, your tears will be wiped away. Remember the mount sermon, remember which ones are blessed. Believe that Christ is your savior, your brother and your friend, instead of a tormentor. You can have your own relationship with Him. If He was a tormentor, none of us could stand. No, we have a savior, who even forgave those who killed Him.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

This is our Christ. This is the part where I go to, again and again when things seem too hard. None of us are perfect, and none of us can save ourselves. We can burden ourselves however we like, but Christ wants us to be free from it. Christ gave Himself for us, and when we believe that incredible love, we begin a journey that will give us peace and a thankful heart, no matter where we are now.

Sometimes it's a very long path to get away from negativity. It can also be hard to not think the worst of yourself, if that is what you have been conditioned to do. God won't abandon you, because you need Him, and you turn to Him, and none of those He will ever abandon.

But continue to pray, and ask God for guidance and comfort. I said a prayer for you too. God bless, brother.
 
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The widow gave all she had. Although it was not much, God said that she gave more.


Mark 12:41 Jesus sat down opposite the place where the offerings were put and watched the crowd putting their money into the temple treasury. Many rich people threw in large amounts. 42 But a poor widow came and put in two very small copper coins, worth only a few cents.

43 Calling his disciples to him, Jesus said, “Truly I tell you, this poor widow has put more into the treasury than all the others. 44 They all gave out of their wealth; but she, out of her poverty, put in everything—all she had to live on.”
 
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I'm sick of everything, which is just sad because I have about as good of a life as one can have. I don't have any responsibilities that choose not to have, but I pray for God to kill me everyday. I wish he would just answer that prayer. Yet I'm afraid to die because I'm not sure if God will let me into heaven or not when I do. I feel exhausted everyday. I'm now working part time for my dad and going to school part time, but it just feels like too much responsibility. I used to work really hard and got into a top tier university, but I dropped out and now because of mental illness and depression I'm taking these pills that sap my strength and make it hard to do anything. It's probably part of the mental illness too. So far I'm doing ok in school because it only started two weeks ago and there hasn't been that much homework. I really have very little to complain about other than being several years behind in school and having mental illness and depression, but since I was diagnosed with mental illness I've been thinking about suicide everyday. I'm probably not going to do it anytime soon, but I'm tempted by the thought of it everyday. I just wonder how I'm going to handle anything in life in the future if I'm constantly fantasizing about suicide now when everything is fine.
 
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chaoticfirefly

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Not been great here in England either. Wind, rain and flooding. Not sure I have ever been in a blizzard though.

There's been flooding in England? Anyone hurt? Are people safe?

Just think it's like a bad rainstorm but instead, everything freezes and it's not relaxing or fun.
 
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Even the ability to encourage, and EVEN SERVING, is considered as a gift in Paul's letters. Mundane, good things. When we want something special, it's easy to overlook these simple things. You may have gifts you don't even recognize, because you are focusing on other things. You are not worthless, no matter what you say. I will not believe it, and you sure can't fool God.

I was hoping you wouldn't see my post but I guess you got to it regardless. Once again, I am very thankful for your encouragement.

My reasoning on all this is that humanity has been so abusive towards me because I wasn't born 'perfect' like the rest of them. After being mistreated by so many people, I just assume God is the same way since He's the one who created humanity in the first place. We were all made in His image, aren't we? I never made physical contact with Him so I honestly don't know what He's really like.

Lots of people abused my trust. Many promised me Heaven and then put me through Hell. Many people in positions of power promise me a better life only to fail me in the end. Because of this, I've developed trust issues.
 
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I'm sick of everything, which is just sad because I have about as good of a life as one can have. I don't have any responsibilities that choose not to have, but I pray for God to kill me everyday. I wish he would just answer that prayer. Yet I'm afraid to die because I'm not sure if God will let me into heaven or not when I do. I feel exhausted everyday. I'm now working part time for my dad and going to school part time, but it just feels like too much responsibility. I used to work really hard and got into a top tier university, but I dropped out and now because of mental illness and depression I'm taking these pills that sap my strength and make it hard to do anything. It's probably part of the mental illness too. So far I'm doing ok in school because it only started two weeks ago and there hasn't been that much homework. I really have very little to complain about other than being several years behind in school and having mental illness and depression, but since I was diagnosed with mental illness I've been thinking about suicide everyday. I'm probably not going to do it anytime soon, but I'm tempted by the thought of it everyday. I just wonder how I'm going to handle anything in life in the future if I'm constantly fantasizing about suicide now when everything is fine.

Maybe it would help to look at things in smaller pieces. I use to freak out at work, my boss would tell me to not look at the size of the workload, but instead take it one task at a time. It really helped, the work seemed to go faster and smoother. It no longer seemed like a lot of work. Its good to take things one day at a time as well. I know that's easier said than done, but i found that advice to be helpful.
 
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I was hoping you wouldn't see my post but I guess you got to it regardless. Once again, I am very thankful for your encouragement.

My reasoning on all this is that humanity has been so abusive towards me because I wasn't born perfect like the rest of them. After being mistreated by so many people, I just assume God is the same way since He's the one who created humanity in the first place. We were all made in His image, aren't we? I never made physical contact with Him so I honestly don't know what He's really like.

Lots of people abused my trust. Many promised me Heaven and then put me through Hell. Many people in positions of power promise me a better life only to fail me in the end. Because of this, I've developed trust issues.

I feel the same way. I believe that God can fill the void. He promised us his spirit.
 
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Tempura

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I was hoping you wouldn't see my post but I guess you got to it regardless. Once again, I am very thankful for your encouragement.

Lots of people abused my trust. Many promised me Heaven and then put me through Hell. Many people in positions of power promise me a better life only to fail me in the end. Because of this, I've developed trust issues.

It's alright. If you feel like you had a moment of weakness, so be it. We can be weak. I'm weak every day.

I know what you're saying. I don't trust people much myself, and try to trust in God instead. I don't always fully trust in God, but I know that it's my weakness, not His. So I doubt myself, and put my hope in God through Christ. My feelings have certainly betrayed me enough, and I know how fallible I am. It's alright to ask him for guidance and to let us know Him better. He knows we are weak and sometimes blind. I guess it's a matter of letting go, of sorts. Letting go of our own inability, and start to hope in Christ instead.

About not trusting people. Here's a funny thing. I don't usually trust people, like I said, but I find myself trusting those who suffer a lot. Of course I use my judgement even then, but it's easy for me to like and trust those who are probably ashamed of themselves. Shy people, downtrodden people, humble people, suffering people, hurt people. No arrogance, no pretenses there. And if there are pretenses, they're most likely just defense mechanisms, nothing bad or wicked about it. So I find myself trusting in people who don't trust themselves. I guess I'm one of them.
 
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Jeshu

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Lots of people abused my trust. Many promised me Heaven and then put me through Hell. Many people in positions of power promise me a better life only to fail me in the end. Because of this, I've developed trust issues.


Yeah I know about feeling distrustful towards God, but that was before I knew God. The truth is God is totally trustworthy and will never let us down. Neither is it His fault that you are the way you are, nor is mine condition to blame on Him or all the others who suffer bad life because of physical conditions. The destroyer of life, satan the devil, he has been stuffing around with our DNA and God only knows whatever else to distort and maim life. It is satan who is guilty of all that has one wrong, because wrong came into being when he choose to try and play god over our lives through the lie.

The truth is God has created you for a very noble purpose and that is to give praise to Him, just as you are. The first thunder in Revelation is about accepting yourself in good and in bad, just like Jesus does. This is an incredible task. Where what was useless and no good in the eyes of the world is precious and special and full of special beauty in His kingdom. I swear to God that this is so. All the downtrodden, the fatherless, the abused and misused and everyone else who has suffered the wicked will be rewarded eternal life by Jesus Christ. He has paid the price. For you to take part in the kingdom is to lay down your bad life and take on His new life, every day again, until you are completely dressed in white and you shall see God and awe and wonder like all of us who have seen Him or have been touched by Him.

However there is a logical fact that keeps you from having life with God, and that is your sin of doubt anbd unbelief - You who have life in wrong needs to be saved. It is of utmost importance that you see and understand this. It is a incredible battle between good and evil. That can only be won when we keep our eyes focused on Jesus. The Word of God speaking in our hearts and minds and teaching us to be free from the power of sin. We are not saved in one go, but one by one God takes us in, for we are not just one, but spiritually we are very many, for we are in the image of God.

Jesus turns everything upside down. He is not like the world. The world has ranks, but God's kingdom has barnyards that need to be filled. The fuller our heart is of His loving truth the more love and grace we receive.

So honest my dear suffering brother there is comfort to be found. Incredible comfort and that is in the truth of the word of God. See when you begin to follow His command - which is to love God and neighbour as well as yourself you will find good pasture because Jesus and God The Father, in Spirit will come and reside within your heart and that is what you want my dear brother, for then your suffering will begin to produce good life and then it wont be long before your suffering will turn to joy. (John 14:23)
 
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RuthD

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Its 2 am I got 4 hours of sleep and I'm up again, wish I could sleep 8 hours straight for a change. I'm feeling a little down today, missing my wife I suppose.
I'm sorry your sleep has been so rotten! I, too, wish you a good 8 hours at least straight sleep without any wake ups. I have that problem with waking up often at night. I took some extra melatonin last night and that seemed to help. Usually I am looking at the clock every hour or every other hour while trying to sleep. It can really mess up one's day to be deprived that way. May you sleep well. Said a prayer for you.
 
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I'm sick of everything, which is just sad because I have about as good of a life as one can have. I don't have any responsibilities that choose not to have, but I pray for God to kill me everyday. I wish he would just answer that prayer. Yet I'm afraid to die because I'm not sure if God will let me into heaven or not when I do. I feel exhausted everyday. I'm now working part time for my dad and going to school part time, but it just feels like too much responsibility. I used to work really hard and got into a top tier university, but I dropped out and now because of mental illness and depression I'm taking these pills that sap my strength and make it hard to do anything. It's probably part of the mental illness too. So far I'm doing ok in school because it only started two weeks ago and there hasn't been that much homework. I really have very little to complain about other than being several years behind in school and having mental illness and depression, but since I was diagnosed with mental illness I've been thinking about suicide everyday. I'm probably not going to do it anytime soon, but I'm tempted by the thought of it everyday. I just wonder how I'm going to handle anything in life in the future if I'm constantly fantasizing about suicide now when everything is fine.
It sounds as if you may need your meds adjusted by your doctor. I don't think they are working well for you IMHO. Everything is okay yet you think of suicide all the time. That's why I advise you to talk to your doctor about your meds. There have been times when my meds were doing me more harm than good and I thought of suicide often. Sometimes they can work on the wrong chemicals in the brain making us more depressed. Pleas talk to your doctor. Only trying to help. Said a prayer for you.
 
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