- Sep 8, 2014
- 174
- 47
- 39
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Pentecostal
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- US-Republican
I know this is long but please read .Hey I need some help. Lately my mind has been took over by demons. Or so it seems. On top of that I have horrible intrusive thoughts of which I feel like it's me now instead of demons or cod. Iv become totally spiritually numb. Meaning the passionate 4 years I had with Jesus were every day was soaked in him seems to be hard to get back. My thoughts were of him first thing in the morning and I dozed off praying to him in bed. I was CONSUMED in him. Went to bible school. Studied the bible non stop. I ate slept end and breathed the bible. Couldn't wait to take the knowledge I learned and help somebody else with it. Those days are gone all gone…..I don't hate God or the Holy Spirit…..and even as I type the last one my mind as always wants to curse…after alitle over 2 years of this now it seems Iv developed derealization….depersonalizations……numbness in life meaning I do my daily routines but Iv lost purpose of living for God…can ocd or demons make you feel like you hate God or even the Holy Spirit when you don't and then after awhile you become so confused. Iv had every thought, feeling, and attack you could imagine. Of course most of my thoughts or 92 percent of them are centered around the Holy Spirit….again as I write the words HS I'm used to this weird feeling coming up along with the f word…….it's like I know the Holy Spirit exists. I'm Pentecostal by the way so I now he is real Iv seen his power…….it seems that now anytime I even think about talking about the HS I start feel the temptation to start thinking the most disgusting thoughts against the HS…..WHY!!?? It's like my minds been this way for so long that Now I can't get away from it it's like I'm addicted to my mind being this way…it's like if I feel any type of happy emotion my mind starts cursing….my mind was raped against my will…..I started having these blasphemous thoughts of the most disgusting nature that now after 2 years of obsessing so bad after the thoughts in my head, and having accidental slips of the mouth and stressing day and night 24/7 over the unpardonable sin, it's like now I'm addicted or at least my mind is……it's developed theses blasphemous habits of which I can't seem to ever get away from or even it seems at times I want them there for the fact It feels weird without them there. Because they have been there 24/7….Does that make since to anybody. I know in my heart I don't want this crap but it's like I don't know. But then it feels like my heart is extremely hard…..I know Iv kinda backslid to…Like I said I'm just numb now…..there's no fear anymore…..the thoughts have lost there fear and what ever else they carried with them even though there still there 24/7. I mean I got saved in early 2009 and I truly gave my life over to the Lord I've been raised in church all my life and I knew Jesus I hit rock bottom and the only place was to look up was to Jesus I spent four years truly selling my life out to him but then in early October 2013 is when they started. I abscessed so much I started developing compulsions that involve cursewords like if the devil or if not the Holy Ghost or just crazy stuff like that now my days consist of constantly fighting blasphemous thoughts I mean whenever I look at anything remotely related to Jesus my mind has an urge to curs or say the f word to it and most the time I do I can't stop myself I've been through this for so long I just can't stop if I even think about thinking about thinking about God or the Holy Spirit my curses it......it's like I expect ot and I get this icky feeling With it .at times my mind shows me blaspheming it's like I could have a thought of killing my mother or my dogs but that doesn't mean I will ever do it but the most ungodly just blasphemous thoughts have been there so long it's as if the devil tells me you didn't find it and now they're your thoughts when at the beginning I did everything and anything to get rid of them but it was as if I couldn't. Like I said I've been through this before but it was like this time it was the mother of all trials and I fought it and I did all I could I even got prophecies over me that encourage me for a little while but then I went back to thinking i had blasphemed.now I'm to the point Now like I said I Backslide and I started smoking again....When I got saved at that with this fear but it went away and for my walk with the Lord I would have faults but I would rebuke them in the name of Jesus but now it seems you're permanently in my mind and now it's so bad like I said I can't even begin to even want to think on the Lord without my mom purposely cursing and it feels like I want to do it because I've done it for so long it's a habit and I can't stop myself like a drug attic shooting up with heroin but he doesn't do it or doesn't want to do it deep down in his heart but yet he keeps doing it
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