I've been having a hard time these last few days with my vow based OCD. It's really getting to me, it's really impeding my life.
The trouble with my current vow based OCD is that the "vows" have become much longer in duration. Instead of not doing something for a few days or weeks, I've been not doing things for months, even over a year in one case. Here are some that are really troubling me:
So here's what's bothering me right now, and I think why the music "vow" has gone on so long:
Some "vows" I think are very intrusive, these are easier for me to label as OCD, at least later. Then there are what I call "counter vows". Which are OCD vows that I use to counter something else. These are more purposeful. For example:
If the "counter vow" is out of some type of anxiety, then it's easier to label as a compulsion. Compulsions are the OCD answer to OCD anxiety. But if there's not bad anxiety, or at least some anxiety, I feel like I'm doing this on purpose and God will hold me to it.
It would be one thing if I tried really hard not to "counter vow", but then I still said it. And I would have a lot less trouble with it if I was having awful anxiety and then "counter vowed". But I don't think this is always the case.
For example, I believe this happened yesterday. This might sound a little weird, being that I'm 24, but I've always really enjoyed getting my back scratched, and still enjoy it. For a long time my mom and grandma have both done this for me.
Well it seems lately that if I ask my mom to do this and she doesn't right away, I get a lot of what seems to be intrusive thoughts. I worry that they aren't intrusive though and I could not say them if I tried, like I just want to say those things and say them. It's like it drives me nuts that I can't get my back scratched immediately because I want it so bad. Well, yesterday I guess my back really itched. Ugh this sounds so weird. Anyways, I asked my mom to scratch my back and she didn't do it right away, the thoughts came (which I think were intrusive) and I got to the point where I thought that I couldn't get my back scratched that day or some "vow", or I would be somehow restricted with doing something or another, or something bad in general, I can't really remember. Basically the thoughts made me think I could not get my back scratched that day. Well, I really wanted my back scratched, so I did a "counter vow" that if I didn't get my back scratched, it would be another month without music. And I may have done this because I knew I'm scared of not being able to listen to music, and this would make me let my mom scratch me back.
Well, I'm pretty sure I ended up getting my back scratched after that, but now I'm really worried I still have to follow the month thing. I feel like I did this on purpose, simply because I really wanted my back scratched, and that it's my fault. I feel like this wasn't from anxiety and that I simply used a "vow" to control something. I don't think I put effort in to not "counter vow" and simply did it. This makes me feel like I am responsible and will be held to this. This is probably not the first time this has happened, where there wasn't much or any anxiety and I "counter vowed". It's probably happened a lot in the last year or two, but I'm too worried to say that with certainty.
Now I'm worried about another month of no music. And now I may be going to New York for business for two weeks, sure would be nice to be able to listen to music on the way there, during the probably 12 hour shifts, when I'm sitting bored in the hotel room after work, etc.
Then earlier, I ended up getting worried that I associated biking with one of the existing "vows", maybe it was the music one. So I think I went to write it down (I write down a lot of my OCD) and I guess I simply didn't want to write it down (not sure if there was anxiety or not) and I think that I countered not to. I can't remember the exact wording but it was to the effect that I wouldn't be able to bike for a month if I wrote it down. Now I'm worried about that for the same reasons! I don't think I was trying not to counter, I just did it, maybe because I didn't want to write it down (I think I was worried that if I didn't write it down I would have more anxiety about it later). I'm worried I'm responsible for this too, and now can't bike for a month. Now I'm also worried I can't work out at all because I associate biking with working out.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel like I'm responsible for this, yet "counter vowing" does seem like part of my OCD. It seems like such a grey area. I mean one part of me wants to say "ok, let's make a hard effort not to 'counter vow' again" and not listen to music for a month and try to go through with it. And if I really make that conscious effort and slip up I won't be held to it. But I just want to listen to music! This is ridiculous, it's been so long. And what if I just mess it up again? How many months will this go on? I was planning on listening to music again in early January, then I think because of three different "counter vows" I thought I had to wait until April (three more months).
I'm really struggling with this!
The trouble with my current vow based OCD is that the "vows" have become much longer in duration. Instead of not doing something for a few days or weeks, I've been not doing things for months, even over a year in one case. Here are some that are really troubling me:
- I'm worried I "vowed" not to listen to music, and later on I kept on with this because I used the music "vow" to counter something (counters are going to be a big focus in this post). I don't think I've purposely listened to music since sometime later last year, with a couple minor breaks (probably less than 10 songs)
- I'm worried I "vowed" not to drink coffee. I think the last time I've had coffee was last November. Because I thought I couldn't have caffeine because of this "vow", I'm worried about eating chocolate as well, because I think chocolate has caffeine, as well as tea, and many pops.
- I'm worried I "vowed" not to drink (multiple times). I think it's been over a year since I've drank. This has significantly impacted my social life. I'm worried that if I drink before June 2015 (I think) that I can never drink again.
So here's what's bothering me right now, and I think why the music "vow" has gone on so long:
Some "vows" I think are very intrusive, these are easier for me to label as OCD, at least later. Then there are what I call "counter vows". Which are OCD vows that I use to counter something else. These are more purposeful. For example:
- I want to do something so I use a "counter vow" to make myself do it
- I have an intrusive OCD vow and use a "counter vow" to cancel it, so to speak. For example, if I'm worried I "vowed" not to do something, I might "counter vow" to do it, to fix the original "vow". I think sometimes I use "counter vows" to counter things other than other "vows" as well.
If the "counter vow" is out of some type of anxiety, then it's easier to label as a compulsion. Compulsions are the OCD answer to OCD anxiety. But if there's not bad anxiety, or at least some anxiety, I feel like I'm doing this on purpose and God will hold me to it.
It would be one thing if I tried really hard not to "counter vow", but then I still said it. And I would have a lot less trouble with it if I was having awful anxiety and then "counter vowed". But I don't think this is always the case.
For example, I believe this happened yesterday. This might sound a little weird, being that I'm 24, but I've always really enjoyed getting my back scratched, and still enjoy it. For a long time my mom and grandma have both done this for me.
Well it seems lately that if I ask my mom to do this and she doesn't right away, I get a lot of what seems to be intrusive thoughts. I worry that they aren't intrusive though and I could not say them if I tried, like I just want to say those things and say them. It's like it drives me nuts that I can't get my back scratched immediately because I want it so bad. Well, yesterday I guess my back really itched. Ugh this sounds so weird. Anyways, I asked my mom to scratch my back and she didn't do it right away, the thoughts came (which I think were intrusive) and I got to the point where I thought that I couldn't get my back scratched that day or some "vow", or I would be somehow restricted with doing something or another, or something bad in general, I can't really remember. Basically the thoughts made me think I could not get my back scratched that day. Well, I really wanted my back scratched, so I did a "counter vow" that if I didn't get my back scratched, it would be another month without music. And I may have done this because I knew I'm scared of not being able to listen to music, and this would make me let my mom scratch me back.
Well, I'm pretty sure I ended up getting my back scratched after that, but now I'm really worried I still have to follow the month thing. I feel like I did this on purpose, simply because I really wanted my back scratched, and that it's my fault. I feel like this wasn't from anxiety and that I simply used a "vow" to control something. I don't think I put effort in to not "counter vow" and simply did it. This makes me feel like I am responsible and will be held to this. This is probably not the first time this has happened, where there wasn't much or any anxiety and I "counter vowed". It's probably happened a lot in the last year or two, but I'm too worried to say that with certainty.
Now I'm worried about another month of no music. And now I may be going to New York for business for two weeks, sure would be nice to be able to listen to music on the way there, during the probably 12 hour shifts, when I'm sitting bored in the hotel room after work, etc.
Then earlier, I ended up getting worried that I associated biking with one of the existing "vows", maybe it was the music one. So I think I went to write it down (I write down a lot of my OCD) and I guess I simply didn't want to write it down (not sure if there was anxiety or not) and I think that I countered not to. I can't remember the exact wording but it was to the effect that I wouldn't be able to bike for a month if I wrote it down. Now I'm worried about that for the same reasons! I don't think I was trying not to counter, I just did it, maybe because I didn't want to write it down (I think I was worried that if I didn't write it down I would have more anxiety about it later). I'm worried I'm responsible for this too, and now can't bike for a month. Now I'm also worried I can't work out at all because I associate biking with working out.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I feel like I'm responsible for this, yet "counter vowing" does seem like part of my OCD. It seems like such a grey area. I mean one part of me wants to say "ok, let's make a hard effort not to 'counter vow' again" and not listen to music for a month and try to go through with it. And if I really make that conscious effort and slip up I won't be held to it. But I just want to listen to music! This is ridiculous, it's been so long. And what if I just mess it up again? How many months will this go on? I was planning on listening to music again in early January, then I think because of three different "counter vows" I thought I had to wait until April (three more months).
I'm really struggling with this!
