what are you feeling right now? (23)

Jeshu said:

Feeling much better today

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I am glad you are feeling better.

chaoticfirefly said:

can a parent explain to me how one forgets their own child tried to kill themselves multiple times

and expect them to cancel a therapy appointment for vanity reasons.

can anyone explain this to me, because i'm unable to understand my mom. yeah, i get my hair is shaggy and long and she hates it, but i think my mental health is just a smidgen more important

oh wait lol

no it's not lmao what was i thinking her feelings her wants her needs are far more important

and there is nothing keeping me from playing passive aggressive, angry and moody today. because i canceled something important for me just for her own [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] vanity

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Parents can be worse than strangers, my parents hardly ever understood me or my feelings when I was ill and cared more about my wife and children than about me. I found that its best to forgive them and understand that they are not in our skin so that they cannot know what the matter is. It is true though, their judgements can hurt a lot, but I still advise you not to break the bond of love, like they did so easily, but to love and respect them anyway, as such is much healthier for your mental health than being upset and disappointed in them.

Hoping you will not hurt yourself because they did.

grandvizier1006 said:

Huh.mfir me, it's a bit different. I try and hide my mental issues from my parents because I am afraid that if they knew everything they'd get annoyed. They often seem to have this "Don't get depressed!" Mindset. I fear that every time I do or say something wrong in college, they could find out and be furious at me,meat her than sympathetic.

I think their idea is that I can help all of my behavior, and that I can "just stop being anxious/sad", and that if it's really bad they should hide me away from the world so that I can't get help. But sometimes, I have to be vulnerable and ask a stranger to pray for me, you know?

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I get where you're coming from. I think my parents mean well, but they simply don't understand mental illness. It's hard for any neurotypical person to understand mental illness. To them, the fact that I'm high-functioning, can hold down a job and am generally cheerful likely contrasts the idea that I could have a serious psychotic/depressive disorder and they don't take it as seriously as they should. That doesn't explain why they would seemingly overlook nine years' worth of hospitalizations and suicide attempts, but I don't think any of us could claim to know what our parents are thinking most of the time.

i'd respond to everyone but i'm on my phone so it's a bit difficult. thanks for your guys' responses to one of my posts.

i've gone to incredibly low contact and made it clear i do not wish to speak to them unless i contact them. they are not allowed in my apartment, they are not allowed to contact my doctor, my therapist, or anyone i am seeing that requires confidentiality. the only person they can speak to about me is when the person i am seeing about transitioning contacts them. if anyone who is not my parents speaks to me about my personal issues (relatives, acquaintances, STRANGERS), all ties will officially be cut.

when we talk, i informed them that we are not to talk about my weight, me cutting or personal issues UNLESS i bring it up first.

yes, i will see them for Christmas, they have one of my cats after all. I also told them that I would rather die than live with them and it would be much easier on my own mental health to move into the dorms this coming semester without the transitional period and getting used to the city.

If dad ever decides to play passive aggressive and go back to when I was living in his house, threaten me physical harm or otherwise, that will be it. I should have done this when I was sixteen and he threw me out in below zero weather and it was snow storming. I should have done this when he threw a chair at me because their puppy peed on the floor. And I most definitely should have done it when he started to curse me out because his sons started to smoke cigarettes.

tl;dr: i'm VLC with the woman who gave birth to me and the man who emotionally abused me. and i call the shots on what happens.

chaoticfirefly said:

i'd respond to everyone but i'm on my phone so it's a bit difficult. thanks for your guys' responses to one of my posts.

i've gone to incredibly low contact and made it clear i do not wish to speak to them unless i contact them. they are not allowed in my apartment, they are not allowed to contact my doctor, my therapist, or anyone i am seeing that requires confidentiality. the only person they can speak to about me is when the person i am seeing about transitioning contacts them. if anyone who is not my parents speaks to me about my personal issues (relatives, acquaintances, STRANGERS), all ties will officially be cut.

when we talk, i informed them that we are not to talk about my weight, me cutting or personal issues UNLESS i bring it up first.

yes, i will see them for Christmas, they have one of my cats after all. I also told them that I would rather die than live with them and it would be much easier on my own mental health to move into the dorms this coming semester without the transitional period and getting used to the city.

If dad ever decides to play passive aggressive and go back to when I was living in his house, threaten me physical harm or otherwise, that will be it. I should have done this when I was sixteen and he threw me out in below zero weather and it was snow storming. I should have done this when he threw a chair at me because their puppy peed on the floor. And I most definitely should have done it when he started to curse me out because his sons started to smoke cigarettes.

tl;dr: i'm VLC with the woman who gave birth to me and the man who emotionally abused me. and i call the shots on what happens.

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I'm so sorry you've been through so much, chaotic. Really, I know you're an atheist but I really wish you could just find a nice church and tell them everything without fear of condemnation or judgement. I think if people were more willing to open up with each other about their problems then we'd have a lot less of them.

grandvizier1006 said:

I'm so sorry you've been through so much, chaotic. Really, I know you're an atheist but I really wish you could just find a nice church and tell them everything without fear of condemnation or judgement. I think if people were more willing to open up with each other about their problems then we'd have a lot less of them.

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thank you.

there used to be a church i went to nearby, and they were a church mostly young people went to simply because their views weren't extremist and were more intune with today's changing beliefs even if the pastors didn't agree with some of it and we all let that slide, simply because politics was kept away. however, they've fallen out of favor with everyone because they bought out a small strip mall where buisnesses usually start up and raised rent high so shops are closing. it's really awful because a lot of those shops are from immigrants, some of whom i know personally from being customers at my job or volunteering to teach english as a second language at one of the schools. i hang out at a catholic church every so often when i gotta bring the kids there, 80% hang out because architecture downtown is beautiful and caught between modern day America and Scandinavian influence, with buildings from bad fires/flooding. 20% because I like to talk history with a church goer. And also, I'm the kids' ride. I don't attend mass, though. And there's a little bread shop nearby that I like to buy cookies from, that hipsters and vegetarians love.

I mostly chill with the elderly, and volunteer at the homeless shelter though. Quieter.

^ that's amongst the strangest church scenarios I've heard in some time. I only go to my church as a volunteer for the production staff to allow those who are at home or in other places to view the service online. I just cannot seem to be interested in church, singing, stories and so on. I'm so distracted and it's like I'm rebelling against it. On the subject of the thread,,,,,

I am feeling mixed today with a dash of lonely which is nearly everyday. It's the first black Friday since 2005 that I have not worked it since stepping down from retail and getting my own business going. Being self employed is fantastic but I do feel more lonely now than before because I work alone at this point and have no human interaction except when I get lunch somewhere.

I'm feeling well today. Four of our grand children are up (1, 3, 6 and 8 years old,) totally adorable. The oldest played computer games. I played Broken Age with Ella, she loves that game and wants to know how it ends, but I can't seem to work out a puzzle piece and no walk through can give me the answer, because the pattern to discover is randomly generated. A real pain. I have to see if I can discover it a bit more seriously, but I haven't got a clue as how to discover this particular pattern.

Jack loves Need for Speed even though he is finds it hard to loose when he is driving the lowest model car. He is getting better at it though. His second best game is Jazz the jack rabbit - who remembers those games? Ella likes the game Ice Age 2 as well. They can play these games for hours. If I play a game for 30 minutes then I have enough of it. And this has come back only recently. I like tinkering with my operating system a lot better, or writing computer scripts to make my programs or games run better, or help me overcome a limitation or something. I love problem solving and I love Linux. For free!

My Ubuntu is constantly updated in the back ground, with very few restarts. No blue screens. Very few technical problems. Change or add whatever you want, there are thousands of programs to choose from. Like Firefox, Thunderbird email, Gimp graphic editor, or Open Office. To name but just a few. And security is much better, hardly ever have problems with hackers or viruses. As a matter of fact I haven't installed a firewall yet, nor do I bother with a virus protector. Once a year I download a freebie, scan all my files but only find window viruses the don't harm Linux systems.

I have a top panel decked with system information. My Up and Download speeds, my CPU and Graphic card temperature, the weather temperature out side, and at my mums place in Holland. My CPU load is displayed graphically, as well as my email alert. Furthermore I can change my security settings on the fly and got my trusted Skype icon telling me if someone tried to contact me. I installed this system two days ago and had it up and running in just half a day with all the kids games installed, 16500 photos and everything else as well. Including my browser in the same condition it was on on the other system. That is what I love about Linux free for all and so easy to use. All installed on my U.S.B disk which I can take with me and run on any computer, full of tools and all my programs, totally functional and no problems with re-activation or any nonsense like that.

Have a nice day friends.

Sick. I bought Tales of Zestiria the other day and instead of being responsible and sleeping, I've been playing that.

I'm passing out in the break room. I need to sleep. I work eight hours tomorrow but I have a feeling I won't be able to from sheer exhaustion

chaoticfirefly said:

Sick. I bought Tales of Zestiria the other day and instead of being responsible and sleeping, I've been playing that.

I'm passing out in the break room. I need to sleep. I work eight hours tomorrow but I have a feeling I won't be able to from sheer exhaustion

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It is hard fighting sleep, please take care working it can be dangerous going to work when exhausted.

Jeshu said:

It is hard fighting sleep, please take care working it can be dangerous going to work when exhausted.

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Yeah. I'm calling in sick today. My coworker said I sounded awful yesterday.

I'm trying to sleep, but I'm nearly out of sleep aids because it seems like I take I gotta take near overdose to feel marginally sleepy. "Natural" stuff doesn't work, I downed a ton of melatonin back in high school after three weeks of no sleep and was still wiiiiide awake, seroquel makes it hard to breathe (anything with histamines or anti histamines don't work) and i don't want it as an anti psychotic. Sleep aids only ever seem to work for a day or so and that's it.

My friends call me super-human, at least. I can function up to two/three months with no sleep. Mood and memory can't be promised though.

' I don't think any of us could claim to know what our parents are thinking most of the time.'

Maybe the problem is sometimes they don't think - their brain is switched off.
The problem is that they lived in another time - when they grow up life is 'hard'
and there are no computers.
Maybe they weren't from wealthy families and had to work hard to make themselves
'successful' so then there is a lot of resentment because they weren't born into a rich family
....and it goes on and on and on...I'm sure you can think of other things

For depression and other mental illness it is hard for people to understand
anything unless they have gone through themselves

I'm a little overwhelmed and slightly depressed, but not too bad.

BlessedMommy05 said:

Hello Everyone I haven't been on in few days been crazy weather here in the Ft-worth/Dallas Metroplex we had major T storms along with rain and possible sleet mix tonight we're in the 30's today high and I feel like my head has been in a pressure cooker for days and I taken cold med to see it helps back off sinus pain and Excedrin for regular headache if that doesn't work I take my Rx for it.. I know we need the rain and thank God for it but goodness.

Our thanksgiving was great I helped cook the 2nd year in a row and learned few dishes I not done before, and it was fun to do and made devil eggs which I not done in years but was fun. Today we're taking cats to a no-kill shelter the kittens due to I'm allergic to them n my friends think that's why I'm having issues with my sinuses plus the cold n such. So we'll see. Hate to give them up but its costly to care for them.

I hope all are well and safe in the storms if you are getting them. Blessings to all and prayers.. I'm finishing up laundry as I type and hope to rest the rest of the day we'll see.

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I live near Tyler and I still need to get acclimated to colder weather. Happens every year. I guess I get spoiled by the nice weather we have so much of the year.

It was 4 am when I woke up this morning, a tat early for my liking, but there is not much I can do about it, awake is awake. I did experience a beautiful Dawn. I love a praising heart in the morning. When I'm thankful and loving towards Him, He who was there when I woke up this morning and He hasn't left me since.

is it tuesday yet

edit: actually, can we start deciding who gets to be parents and who doesn't? because if i ever have to search two hours for parents who forgot about their own daughter, cranky police and social worker, plus they're Canadians, i will scream.

GOODBYE FOREVER. Since no one cares about me at all, I'm biding a permanent farewell...

LoyalToGod said:

GOODBYE FOREVER. Since no one cares about me at all, I'm biding a permanent farewell...

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Sorry to see you go. blessings