I need reasons to live

gerbilgirl said:

God treats me awful, he must hate me. I'll keep living though I have nothing to live for. I'm just an expensive waste of space.

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Would you be comfortable sharing what's bothering you specifically on the forum? We would be more able to help you. Thanks.

It is horrible that people who claimed to be Christians abused you as a child. It has happened a lot over the centuries, however such has nothing to do with God hating you or anything. The Bible forbids abuse of any kind and encourages us to love God and neighbour. God doesn't like it when people get hurt, especially children and warns that it would be better for offenders to be thrown in the water with a millstone around their necks than facing God with what they have done.

It seems to me that the first step you have to take is stop blaming God thinking He hates you, or had some hand in your abuse. Once you believe the truth that He loves you a lot, your depression will already have been beaten, and your life will get much better than it is now.

I was molested and almost murdered as a kid and according to some experts I suffer from P.T.S.D as well because of that. It sure brought me a lot of suffering in the past but I think now that I have left the pain behind and grew stronger from the experience instead of weaker.
I found that forgiving my abusers, as well as forgiving myself for getting myself in such a situation helped a lot in settling the pain that I suffered at the hands of my attackers.

People who abuse children are very ill in their minds and need urgent help so that they can stop creating more victims, please pray for those people who have hurt you and forgive them from the heart - time and again - you'll be amazed how much that will lighten your daily burdens.

Remember however that it is easy to cultivate wrong in our life but it is much harder to eradicate it - unconditional love is the answer - get to know Him - and stick to Him for He will save your life out of the pit and turn the bad that has happened to something beneficial, however hard that may be.




Surviving Murder.

All is blurring blurring...
I'm choking.....
death is closing in fast
I can't breath any longer....
I just want to give in..

The coldness is taking hold,
Light is departing fast...
In utter darkness to be....
The pain inside my chest..
Agonising fire!

"Hey you..., fight on!
Its time, time to strike back...
Awake, death cannot part,
Life from you!
You may not die!"

So I fight on...,

No one may harm -
on all God's Holy Hill!
Ever!

"Yes, hear well - no one,
No, no one, may harm!
No one murdered,
No killing anyone ever!
Feel the fire...
Receive the Love..,
Light up the holy fire....!
Be alive!"

All around, yes all around,
A wall impenetrable,
Holy fire surrounding,
Completely encircling,
My Whole Life!

God doesn't hate you. He cares about you. It is hard to deal with the things you have/are dealing with. Almost every person I have seen suffering from similar issues, tend to blame themselves or see themselves as waste. I guess it's so hard to make sense out of it, so it's better to find themselves as guilty or bad somehow. But it's not.

God works through love and grace. Many things have been done - and will be done - in His name that are the opposite. In fact, the most horrible things probably have been done in His name. No evil works in its own name. We can't change that, but we can learn to slowly accept the love He is giving. Not that He won't give it anyway, but our minds have their ways of blocking it. It will most likely take time, but keep on going.

You are precious, and there may come a time when you can actually use your troubled life to comfort someone in the same boat. My problems have not been the same as yours, but God knows I've needed those people who have suffered and seen horrible things, and somehow managed to survive and guide/comfort the rest of us. At the lowest points of my life, God has been closer. Or I have been more willing to open up to Him, that's probably also the case.

Are you going to therapy? I hope you are. If you can't afford it, I could scrape few euros for you, paypal will convert them to dollars.

Said a little prayer for you. Don't give up. I like you.

gerbilgirl said:

Thank you Tempura! I am going to therapy, but it's not helping as much as I would like. But I guess good things will come eventually.

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It took years for me for something to "click". Some sessions were bad, sometimes it felt like it had no effect. I even stopped going at some point. It'll come with time. It's not a miracle cure and you already know this, but it's always good to have that certain place and time you can reserve for those things with a professional. It's about realizing your own thought patterns and understanding them better. You're probably already aware of them already, and you're just waiting for that "click" when you can actually learn to not let those bad feelings get the best of you. It'll come.

gerbilgirl said:

God treats me awful, he must hate me. I'll keep living though I have nothing to live for. I'm just an expensive waste of space.

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I feel that way most days but then I think about my husband and puppy. They would miss me if I was gone.

Write a list of what your thankful and "if you were gone, what would people think" list.

gerbilgirl said:

Thank you Tempura! I am going to therapy, but it's not helping as much as I would like. But I guess good things will come eventually.

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This is so true - good things come eventually - when we build with good. When hopelessness presses and all we do is hopeless and then we pray in faith and ask for good life. We sow the seed - the promises of the Word to us and put our faith in Him and fight to retain it. That is what this battle is about. So yes - Israel proves it - the deserts can bloom and desolate place become lovely hiding places - it took a lot of hard work though!

It is hard to have faith when you whole inner reality feels the opposite - depression attacks our faith in God and makes us doubt Him.

However even science has caught up with the fact that we are dynamic psychologically till our death bed, we can always change. Hope in the truth is not hard. When I walk through our own garden I can see that God made it good and robust and dynamic just like myself. Such speaks words wherever He has been busy making things.

For myself I found God, or rather He found me, I was unprepared, naked and really no good at all, I attacked Him within my own heart with murderous hate. I really was no good at all but He still loved me when He came. For I believed Him. I soon saw that He is innocent of all wrong and yet I had so often charged Him with wrong. Depressed people don't often understand that lies caused the hurts to come about in the first place. The truth told me - what you sow you shall harvest. What could I say in response to His question where is the good life I gave you? All I could do was acknowledge the truth that I had lost it and didn't have a clue what had happened to it. My good life was stolen by the wicked lies ruling my mind, especially after my assault this has become clear to me. Wrong produces wrong, right produces right.

When we are stuck in the lie, we are naked and unprotected and have to cover ourselves and hide. But not only that we hurt without comfort. In the kingdom of the lie God isn't. The truth is not present in the lie. So when lies rule our hearts and minds then God isn't present any longer inside of our reality, a very sad ending for God, and for us depressed people as well. God suffers our depressed lives that much I know for sure. The devil is so cruel to those he can captivate with his lies.

So if you are hurting the wrongs of others within then be of good courage. Jesus loves you immensely and is fully prepared to help you heal the wounds. Counselling did help me to see some truths about myself that I hadn't understood but otherwise proved to have little value. The real value I found was in the words of the bible - believing the bible and let it work as a personal revelation within. Spiritually eat that scroll just as the book says and God's truth will begin to attack the wrongs living within us, saving His lost ones in the process.

Jesus comes spiritually first. He comes in our hearts just as the Word teaches. Please do read it. Even a few verses can set you free if you believe the truth of the word of God.

In His truth you are His Child and He is your God.
In His truth we meet peace and inner rest. (that is how He greets! Shalom!)
In His truth we dine with Him.
In His truth our inner being grows a new life
In His truth we grow a little paradise within.
The New Jerusalem from above (The rule of Babylon shall be gone!) spiritually this means a mind ruled by the truths of God. (Very liberating.)
In His truth love, faith and hope remain always present.
In His truth we are loved completely. ( in both good and bad)
In His truth damage from the past is undone and good life restored.
In His truth we can cry and we will be comforted.
In His truth we can do.
In His truth we are beautiful.
In His truth we grow a harvest.
In His truth we are never hungry - we never meet darkness instead of light.
In His truth we are treated when we have wounds or sores
In His truth we grow self worth.
His truth sets us free to be ourselves.

Be of very good courage and rebuild your inner world with the truth of His word, with Him your safe, He will never harm you.

Everything what Jeshu said. There is great hope in Christ, He loves you unconditionally. It's hard for us to understand it, but just seek with an honest, loving heart. In time, dear.

And also little piglets. Piglets are great. I got to pet one for a few minutes this summer. Though it was an adult mini pig, not a piglet, but close enough.

Jeshu! Thanks so much for sharing. What you found to be true, I have as well.